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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be worried about this woman

189 replies

Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 13:40

DH is a SAHP to our two children, one being a toddler. He has lots of mum friends but is particularly close to one who lives nearby.

She's attractive, flirty and a lot of fun. I hang out with her too and enjoy her company.

Last summer it came out that she had an emotional affair with another dad (not a SAHP but someone who worked part time) It seemed to be lots of deep stuff- texting about his relationship, hoe unhappy he was, how beautiful she was etc. Nothing physically happened but it was definitely a EA.

I can't stop thinking about the guys wife. She has two small kids and works full time, and her circumstances are EXACTLY the same as me and DH.

I trust DH 100% but I feel
Uneasy about them spending time alone (well, with toddlers around!) I know nothing would ever happen, but just the thought of him being attracted to her physically and emotionally makes me feel so low.

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous. I work with lots of men so I know it's ridiculous. They whatsapp a lot and see each other pretty much every day and I'm so worried history will repeat itself, DH is very attractive and kind, etc, but not at all flirty in any way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 17:02

I'm not happy about the nappy being thrown across the room (it wasn't at me or anything in particular) I was getting heated when talking to him but that's mainly because of my frustration at the night feed issue. I'm bloody knackered and haven't slept more than four hours in six months and even though weve discussed it billions of times he doesn't do night feeds. He says it's because I've been 'in charge' of the feeding as was EBF, but my point was he stayed up IN CASE they needed a lift back as she didn't reply to his text but he won't stay up IN CASE I say 'hey can you open that carton of baby milk and give her a bottle while I sleep' He's shit in the night- it's really hard to wake him but it's no picnic for me either! And he stayed up late sitting watching tv and didn't even think to sterilise. I'm just pissed off. We're supposed to be going for a Chinese at her house tonight (!!!) but I think I might have a migraine coming on...don't feel I can play happy families. He won't be happy...

OP posts:
MarvelleGazelle · 07/04/2018 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EweDoEwe · 07/04/2018 17:04

Yes your poor DH, so naive - staying up late on the off chance that a woman who endlessly talks about sex and her past conquests, might need a lift home from him Hmm.

Charley50 · 07/04/2018 17:10

Yikes!

Charley50 · 07/04/2018 17:12

Why is he a SAHP while you're on maternity leave? Do you mean he just doesn't need to work outside the home?

I'd be really pissed off that he's offering to be her taxi; don't quite know why you suggested it in the first place either (the first lift).

mrscampbellblackreturns · 07/04/2018 17:12

Hmmm, the staying up in case she needed a lift is very odd surely? No one does that do they unless it is their partner/child or they are interested in them?

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 17:13

To be fair to DH he is kindness personified and would go out of his way for any friend- male or female. I feel a bit neglected and sleep deprived.

A big part of me thinks, well if he did want to have an affair there's nothing I could do about it- where there's a will there's a way.

But if I think past that and look at the realities of what that would mean I get so upset- it would destroy me and break up our family. I don't want to bury me head in the sand.

So should I just wait till I'm calm and say that I don't like the idea of them spending alone time together. The problem is he would take great offence at that and think I didn't trust him. ALso the odd cuppa is inevitable as our dc are friends and neighbours and we've agreed when they start school they'll share the school run so there will be drop offs. I'd hate for him to be prescriptive of how I did my job or who I spoke to when I was doing it.

OP posts:
moofolk · 07/04/2018 17:13

What is the difference between an emotional affair and being friends with someone? Genuine question btw.

I've had jealousy issues with DP and his female friends. Jealousy is horrible and eats you up. You'll be painted as being unreasonable and perhaps you are being, idk, but that doesn't mean that you don't actually feel the way you do. I'm over my jealousy now and I don't want to deny a SAHP some company.

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 17:16

I suggested the lift because she was dropping hints! Plus she recently had our DS the whole day while we did some diy etc so she's very kind in that way. He said as he was dropping them off that he was happy to collect them and that the money saved could go towards tonight's takeaway but she said she had already booked it. He then texted to say 'are you sure' and she didn't reply so he just stayed up!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 17:17

Moofolk I've had jealousy issues in the past too- thought I was over it too especially as I really get on well with her. But I think she got well with the last SAHDs wife!!

OP posts:
MorningsEleven · 07/04/2018 17:21

Nah, come on. This needs knocked on the head. It's not about whether she fancies him, it's about her jostling in to prove she can take anything she wants. Total manipulator. She'll cause problems in your relationship then move on to the next stupid bugger.

DBoo · 07/04/2018 17:24

Why are yous spending so much time together? You spent friday night with her and are spwnding tonight with her?

Also the lift thing is weird.

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 17:29

Mornings that's my worry- he's spreading himself thin by always being so nice. He said to me 'why did you offer my services in the first place re: the lift and I realised she's manipulating me as well!!

I don't really see a way forward as I go back to work soon so won't be part of the SAHP group. In a way I want her to be around for support while he's juggling two kids etc as a friend and neighbour, so I guess I should just like it and lump it? I've been giving as good as I've been getting in terms of sexual innuendo- she probably doesn't have a clue how I really feel as I put on a front. I think she uses DH as he's a very kind giving person and will always offer to help anyone (I know she uses other friends in this way as she brags about it!) He's not in the slightest flirty with her- there's never been that kind of conversation between them, that's just not the dynamic. But she's talking about her sex life to me/her other SAHM mates and it makes me feel uncomfortable that DH is in earshot. I don't know why- it's my insecurity about my body and our own sex life I guess which isn't brilliant with a baby of course!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 17:30

DBoo she likes us and we're neighbours. I like her too, I have really mixed feelings about it all!

OP posts:
DBoo · 07/04/2018 17:31

I get that and its nice to be friends with your neighbours but your dp see hers every day and on a weekend you are spending both nights with her?

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 17:32

Oh god, reading your updates...this is even worse than I thought. I really think you need to do something about her, but what can you do?

RandomWordsStuckTogether · 07/04/2018 17:32

the more you type, the more i think he's being a bit of a dick.

i completely get where you're coming from with the staying up late thing. he's too knackered to do one out of the four night feeds and help you out, but he'll stay up until midnight just in case the woman who likes to talk about sex a lot needs a lift home from the fin night out she's having and you're not.

i feel pissed off on your behalf!

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 17:37

I hope I'm giving the full picture of the situation and not being to biased. I wonder whether getting DH to read it all might help him see we need to cool it off? Her DH is a lovely guy and we all get on well, as do our kids who are the same age. I think I'll talk to him tonight when we're back.

OP posts:
Ski40 · 07/04/2018 17:38

I don't have any unbiased advice as I'm a naturally jealous person and I would not be cool with DH hanging out with female friends at all ( he is the same with me so it doesn't cause any trouble as we understand each other well).
I'm following the thread out of genuine interest, you seem like a kind person OP. 🌹🌹

AnyFucker · 07/04/2018 17:41

Your husband is "so lovely and would do anything for anybody"

Except you, it would seem

Elendon · 07/04/2018 17:43

I personally feel sorry for anyone who trusts their partner 100%. Fools the lot of you.

She's a flirt and she shows it. Personally I find these people incredibly tiresome and they ALWAYS demand a lot of work, whether it be friendship or in a relationship.

If you like and love your partner then trust him to deal with her. If you don't like or love him then you need a lot of thinking to do.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/04/2018 17:45

Your DH he is NOT kindness personified who would go out of his way for anyone
He refuses to share night feeds with you,knows your knackered but isn’t bothered

loopylou6 · 07/04/2018 17:46

If my husband had off stayed up all night on the off chance he got to be her taxi, I'd be fuming, especially as he's showing his own WIFE zero respect.
She sounds a knob, and clearly doesn't have boundaries.
I think she has her sights firmly on your husband op.

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 07/04/2018 17:48

Omg she's married? Christ.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/04/2018 17:50

Yes I trust my partner 100% Eldon,and I’m not a fool.nor do I need sympathy
You see I won’t live my life on what ifs if maybes.i refuse to live thinking I’m being had over.its toxic
if a partner is inclined to cheat they’ll do it
And being suspicious or being trusting of them won’t alter their behaviour or predilection

If my partner is unfaithful I’ll deal with it
But no I’m not going live with the what ifs and dramas in case he’s unfaithful

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