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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be worried about this woman

189 replies

Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 13:40

DH is a SAHP to our two children, one being a toddler. He has lots of mum friends but is particularly close to one who lives nearby.

She's attractive, flirty and a lot of fun. I hang out with her too and enjoy her company.

Last summer it came out that she had an emotional affair with another dad (not a SAHP but someone who worked part time) It seemed to be lots of deep stuff- texting about his relationship, hoe unhappy he was, how beautiful she was etc. Nothing physically happened but it was definitely a EA.

I can't stop thinking about the guys wife. She has two small kids and works full time, and her circumstances are EXACTLY the same as me and DH.

I trust DH 100% but I feel
Uneasy about them spending time alone (well, with toddlers around!) I know nothing would ever happen, but just the thought of him being attracted to her physically and emotionally makes me feel so low.

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous. I work with lots of men so I know it's ridiculous. They whatsapp a lot and see each other pretty much every day and I'm so worried history will repeat itself, DH is very attractive and kind, etc, but not at all flirty in any way.

OP posts:
MorningsEleven · 07/04/2018 14:19

I wouldn’t want my husband being friend with he because she sounds like a twat

I totally agree.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 07/04/2018 14:19

How would your husband feel about you spending time alone with a man who had form for emotional affairs with married women? Would he be ok with it, I don't think he would , my other half wouldn't like it and tbh I wouldn't want to introduce those types of issue unnecessarily so I wouldn't agree to spend time with that man. It's about having respect for your relationship and protecting it . Xx

MaisyPops · 07/04/2018 14:23

She sounds like a drama llama who is desperate for attention.

But YABU if you want to try policing DH's friendship.

He can stay in the group chat, be perfectly civil and friendly to her. If you trust him them I'd just ask him ti keep his eyes open because it's a bit odd that a woman would be talking so openly about her ability to get male attention/an affair. Warn him to be wary of any impending damsel in distress moments. Otherwise let him be.

Idontdowindows · 07/04/2018 14:23

Lots of people will say "if you trust your husband etc.".

That's not the point though.

The point is that if she does try it on, even if she is unsuccessful, she will have shown you such a massive amount of disrespect that you cannot expected to maintain a friendship with this person or be involved with this person in any way.

Even if your husband does not reciprocate her flirting at all, the fact still remains that it is ridiculously disrespectful towards your husband, yourself and your relationship for her to even try it on.

Many people forget that it's not the outcome of the act that's the problem, it's the very act itself, because it shows you that she has no respect for the people in the relationship and she is willing to be horribly offensive (because yes, making a pass at someone who is in a committed relationship IS offensive) just to do what she wants.

I wouldn't want to be around her, and my husband would not want to be around someone like that (and yes, we have experience in this field).

It isn't about not being able to trust your husband. It's about not being able to trust her to respect your relationship.

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 14:27

The point is that if she does try it on, even if she is unsuccessful, she will have shown you such a massive amount of disrespect that you cannot expected to maintain a friendship with this person or be involved with this person in any way

Yes agreed. Also, people who like to create drama, don't tend to take rejection lightly. She could say anything to her hangers on and before you know it people will think something has happened with the DH. Maybe nothing at all happened with the other DF that she's boasting about...Maybe he rejected her.

Personalsituations99 · 07/04/2018 14:28

Tbh can't say I'd be happy and if she was that type of woman my husband wouldn't spend everyday with her. That's a little bit wierd to me.
Others will disagree. You can be freinds with the opposite sex. But spending every day with an affair junkie (by the sounds) is not okay!

Idontknowwhatithink · 07/04/2018 14:30

There are as many women out there as men who enjoy the 'thrill of the chase'. Unfortunately I have also known women who get a 'kick' out of flirting with married men and enjoy feeling something 'could' happen if they wanted it to.

I would keep a close eye on their friendship and make sure their group chats and playdates don't start becoming 1-1's.

swingofthings · 07/04/2018 14:32

You can't win in such situation. If they were to fall in love, so that although your OH never intended to have an affair, he grows to believe that she's the woman of his life and decide to leave his family for her, nothing you will do now can change this. If you were to start voicing concerns, it would only make him more aware that maybe he has feelings for her.

If he isn't interested, nothing she will do, nor you will make him respond to her advances.

Your best action is to focus on being confident in yourself as you seem to be and just keep an eye so that at least if something were to happen, you'd find out about it earlier rather than later.

tenterden · 07/04/2018 14:33

she's quite open about that other dad and what went on and herself draws parallels between DH and hers friendship.

This is what would bother me. It sounds like she is lining him up as her next victim/conquest.

What does DH say about this aspect of her behaviour?

I would be very unhappy.

Lostinspace84 · 07/04/2018 14:37

I would not be comfortable about this either. Especially as the exact same circumstances led to my first husband cheating on me and leaving me (although before he did, I was made out to be controlling, mad and paranoid!). Nightmare situation

Sn0tnose · 07/04/2018 14:38

she's quite open about that other dad and what went on and herself draws parallels between DH and hers friendship. This would be where I drew the line. That is unacceptable behaviour and almost sounds like she's baiting you. What do you say to her when she does this?

And more importantly, have you told your DH that she's doing this, and given him the opportunity to take a step back? It's one thing for him to be friends with this woman, particularly if all messages between them are innocent. It's something else entirely if she's suggesting to her friends wife that a similar friendship ended up being an EA.

Tallia · 07/04/2018 14:46

Everyone seems to be blaming the woman, but did she actually do anything wrong or was the man pursuing her?

I've received those kinds of messages before from a married man, who I'd definitely done nothing to encourage (I'd literally exchanged one LinkedIn message with him about a job change I'd posted, before that I'd not had any contact with him since I left the place we'd both worked years before, and even then, had never had any interest in him or spent any time with him except as part of a group of colleagues). I didn't reply to the messages, and I did mention it to a friend, not because I thought I was 'all that', just because I was taken aback at the sudden change in direction of the conversation.

The kind of messages you've described are all ones that would have come from him not her, was she encouraging him?

EweDoEwe · 07/04/2018 14:48

she's quite open about that other dad and what went on and herself draws parallels between DH and hers friendship

See this ^ is the point at which you’ve got a DH problem.

Why would he want to continue a friendship with someone who does this?

What’s he getting from this friendship with her... Is he liking the attention? Enjoying your insecurity?

He could close this down at any point, and at the point where she’s drawing parallels between her previous affair and her “relationship” with your DH is when he should have stopped this.

MaisyPops · 07/04/2018 14:49

Maybe nothing at all happened with the other DF that she's boasting about...Maybe he rejected her.
I wondered this.
One of my friends found themselves in an emotional affair with a friend (both married). When it became clear that a line had been crossed they both pulled back, focused on the issues in their own relationships and preserved the friendship (although it was never quite the same again, both were guarded). Neither of them spoke of it beyond a trusted friend and I can't see her ever broadcasting it to the world.

This woman might just be full of shit.

Bugjune · 07/04/2018 14:51

I wouldn't like it either, OP so if YABU then so am I.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/04/2018 14:52

YANBU. You could suggest to your husband that you’ve heard she has bunny boiling tendencies. That should do the trick.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 07/04/2018 14:54

Even if she is making it up, I still would be uneasy that she’s drawing parallels between an affair (fake or not) and her friendship with your DH. At the very least she is trying to make you jealous, which is sly.

If she’s part of the group, it’s not going to be easy to not have anything to do with her though. I can’t imagine it would go down well if he tried to single her out.
Reducing one on one playdates would be a an idea though.

SleepFreeZone · 07/04/2018 14:56

I would be very concerned OP. But what can you do about it? If you ban him from talking to her or socialising with her the youre handing her ultimate power. She’ll be able to use that against you and suddenly they’ll be star crossed lovers being thwarted by the miserable wife who wants to keep her husband at home.

All you can do is say that you have some concerns and then hope to bloody god he doesn’t stray.

seabase · 07/04/2018 15:00

No man can be stolen .... if he wants to have an affair then he will ... if he is madly in love with you he won't even see the OW.

I would speak to DH and tell him how you are feeling though. Good luck x

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 07/04/2018 15:06

She could be full of crap, but equally she could be spouting that crap about your DH very soon

I'd not be happy.

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 15:09

You could suggest to your husband that you’ve heard she has bunny boiling tendencies. That should do the trick

Grin Yes, do this.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/04/2018 15:12

Has your H given you any reason to think that he might be interested in her as more than just a friend?

geekone · 07/04/2018 15:22

She is messing with your mind. Trying to make you doubt your DH enough to make your relationship unstable so he has to go and cry on her shoulder. Don't rise to it, be the couple you have always been. It is possible for men and women to be friends but to me this sounds suspicious on her part.

caffeinefreebutsadaboutit · 07/04/2018 15:24

She sounds like an absolute dick head. If you told your dh you weren't comfortable with her being in your lives anymore how do you think he'd react?

PercyPigAddict · 07/04/2018 15:24

It's a bit much that they're seeing each other every day! Is your DH aware of the history with the other man? is he present when she's drawing parralels between that EA and the "friendship" with your DH? It sounds like she's enjoying winding you up and making you insecure. But I think if you can bring it up with your DH, preferably in a light-hearted "Oh god isn't she a nightmare, always banging on about her school run conquests" you can figure out what he really thinks of her...