AIBU to be worried about this woman

[Cheekylittlenumber]

DH is a SAHP to our two children, one being a toddler. He has lots of mum friends but is particularly close to one who lives nearby.

She's attractive, flirty and a lot of fun. I hang out with her too and enjoy her company.

Last summer it came out that she had an emotional affair with another dad (not a SAHP but someone who worked part time) It seemed to be lots of deep stuff- texting about his relationship, hoe unhappy he was, how beautiful she was etc. Nothing physically happened but it was definitely a EA.

I can't stop thinking about the guys wife. She has two small kids and works full time, and her circumstances are EXACTLY the same as me and DH.

I trust DH 100% but I feel
Uneasy about them spending time alone (well, with toddlers around!) I know nothing would ever happen, but just the thought of him being attracted to her physically and emotionally makes me feel so low.

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous. I work with lots of men so I know it's ridiculous. They whatsapp a lot and see each other pretty much every day and I'm so worried history will repeat itself, DH is very attractive and kind, etc, but not at all flirty in any way.

What is the difference between an emotional affair and being friends with someone? Genuine question btw.

@Moofolk, there's a massive difference. With an EA, your 'friend' becomes idealised, compared with your partner. Your friend hears all about the partner's shortcomings. Your 'friend' is the one you tell when things are a bit crappy. He seems like a better alternative, but for some people (myself included) there's a world of difference between desperately wanting to shag someone other than your husband, and actually doing it. With an EA, you walk the dog (ahem) very late at night so you can ring your (ahem, again) 'friend'. You text them when you hear something funny/something that makes you think of them. You send them cards because you see one that might make them laugh. You think about them when you go to sleep. You contrive reasons to spend time with them (be that work or playgroup or any other bollocks). My XH once said I was more married to my EA than I was to him, because I was chatting to him (the EA) at length about dog food. An EA is very, very different from a friendship.

OP, I completely get that you trust your DH and that you would dislike being told who you could be friends with. I would feel the same. But I would detest the friendship you describe, and would be trying to find some way to intervene without alienating your DH and making him feel that you don't trust him.

My gran used to say.... you can trust a dog not to take bacon from the larder but if you lay bacon strips over his nose he might just eat one.

I’m not going to prepare an executive summary to give a précis previous posts

LipstickHandbagCoffee, have you ever been so-called MN Royalty in the past? Just wondering...

No I’m afraid not but I’m prepared if you wish to call me ma’am

LipstickHandbagCoffee, I'll take your word for it, ma'am. iCod well have been mistaken.

I've fucked up.
We went for a takeaway but the baby needed to go to sleep despite a late nap so we came back. I said I could do it by myself but he insisted on coming back with me, and I realise now to try and clear the air after the argument/nappy throwing.

Well the ippposite happened. He said he couldn't believe that I would think he prioritises other people over me and I'm always first etc. I said he's attempted two night feeds in five weeks and action speaks louder than words. He said I've been 'controlling' the feeding by breastfeeding and he corrected himself saying he didn't meant it like that (!!!) He said he was happy to do a night feed and I should tap him on the shoulder so he can get up and open the carton etc. But no one taps me on the shoulder to feed the baby. Why the hell should I be on standby to hear her when one of the reasons were ff is to give me a break so I can sleep longer- my sleep is already so broken and disturbed!

I told him to go back to the neighbours (our other DC is still there playing with friends) and we'd talk about it all later/tomorrow and he said he didn't want it all hanging over his head all night. I said well I want an apology for earlier and he said I'd be waiting a long time for it so I told him to go back to neighbours and he can have a nice chat about our relationship with them all. He said he would!

Fuck, I've blown my top.

He's going to be drinking with her and her DH now (and her other mates are there too) I doubt he'll do a night feed now.

I'm so confused as in many ways I like the set up we have and I like having her as a friend but I think it's dangerous knowing she has form and by DH's behaviour tonight maybe his head has already been turned?

Fuck, the hornets nest has been poked and he’s run right in the direction of her.

I don’t know what advice to give here, except you need to step away from the situation (as in, don’t discuss it) until you’re level headed and can plan what you want to say. You were caught off guard a little bit.

Personally. I would have left him with the baby and gone back myself! But I can be a drama queen 😒
See you shouldn't have told him to go back there. You know how you feel about her. Wrong move, you did fuck up a little there!

But I agree you shouldn't have to tap him on the shoulder to ask him to help with the feeds! He shouldn't be offering other women lifts over helping you either.
I really don't know what to advise here. Other than to be honest with him and tell him exactly how you feel!
You're going to be stewing for hours now OP!

I would also be questioning whether his head is already turned!

I'm hoping he won't be home too late as our other DC will need to go to bed soon. I haven't made any real emphasis on 'her' but have said he pulls out the stops for his mates but not for me re: sleep.

When I was pregnant and first properly met her she was a bit off with me. I met all his other mum friends and they were really warm and friendly and talked lots to me, as did their partners. But she didn't really and I mentioned it at the time to DH (not really knowing he was closest with her out of the group of mums) But we've hung out a lot in the last 8 months or so and I really like her a lot. She is full of energy and baudy wit and I'm so exhausted I barely know my last name. She's the sort to get her hair and nails done all the time and take care of herself. I barely have time to shave my legs! I know a lot of this comes from my self esteem/tiredness but I'm just so upset to not get any acknowledgment from him. He is of the opinion of 'tell me to do it and I will' but why the hell should I instruct him how to parent his own child even he's here 24/7 with me! And if he's unsure, and he really loves me and cares about my sleep and we'll being why is he not TELLING me he's going to do a night feed- insisting that I sleep in in the morning when we can (I brought the kids downstairs and sterilised the bottles that were sitting out by the sink all night this morning while he had a lie in- I'm an absolute mug!) if it was the other way round and I knew he was up multiple times in the night just ONCE I would insist her had a lie in. He is terrible in the mornings and I always have to poke him to wake him up during the rare occasions I've had a lie in. I should get one every morning but I don't and her first feed is formula and he knows that so there's no excuse! It's so selfish I can't believe he can't see it,

It's a difficult one my ex husband used to work in a pub for extra cash An used to tell me about this single mum who was always bringing her son in. My ex started staying out late new freinds all the classic signs I

missed ! He was seeing her and we split up I trusted him 100 percent but I had a gut instinct ,
I don't think she sounds like someone who I or my other friends would want to be around.

For a SAHP, he doesn't really seem to have the first clue about how to actually do it. Does he usually need such hand-holding in everything he does?

And as for the rest....

I don't even know what to say. You and DH seem to have got yourselves embroiled in a super-intense friendship group, of the sort we all had in our 20s, when all you wanted to do was just spend all your time hanging out with your mates, laughing and partying.

I'm not downing on neighbourhood friendship groups - we're part of one ourselves, and it's great. But we don't all see each other every day (other than school pick up) and both weekend nights as well.

This is all fanning the flames of a situation that is going to come to a head - one way or another - very soon. It can't go on like this.

I hope you're going to be OK OP - it all feels a little out of your hands, and spiralling rapidly.

And your DH isn't as kind, nor as naive as you're trying to paint him.

YANBU. She sounds lonely and needy. I wouldn’t want her getting so close to my family. Is your DH going to be a SAHP for a while, or will you swap?
I’m really feeling for you. Totally understandable that you’re uncomfortable.

Stuff that. I totally get why you're feeling like this and I wouldn't put up with it. Boundaries need to be drawn and soon. Spend some time away from her, stop socialising with her all the time

OP I just asked my DH about this (as I said above I was in a similar situation) and he said
“The husband is being a twat. And the reason why he is so angry is because he hasn’t actually done anything wrong yet.”

Which I felt was it in a nutshell to be honest.

Lipstick i don’t get your point

Confused the shite out of me as well, but I flipped back a post or two before she had her arsey replies and it seems as though she is on the OP’s side.
I think she got a bit pissed after that though.

It's out of order that he stayed up late to wait for her when your sleep deprived . It's disrespectful. You said earlier that he is closest to her out of all the mums , sorry I think you need to say I am not comfortable with a woman who has such a faulty moral compass & gets off on causing drama and male attention. He either wants to protect your relationship or give excuses to be her "friend".

My partner would not even want to socialise with a woman of this calibre as he would be quite revolted at her being part of an EA. the fact that she was off with you too when you first met like who the actual fuck is she . I think you need to address it with your husband as it's sounding more like a DH problem now ....sorry Op it's a real shit situation and he should be demonstrating that you come first, she's a neighbour ffs not some lifelong actual friend . He should Shut down the friendship .

Another thought , can't you be the sahp ?
I'm sure if the tables were turned and some hot dad who had form for affairs was spending a lot of time with you and giving you lifts here and there then your DH would be raising his eyebrows, I'd ask him how he'd feel about that scenrario xx

by DH's behaviour tonight maybe his head has already been turned?
The neighbour may act like a whore-bag - but it's your dh that's allowing himself to get 'involved'.
Just because she lives next door doesn't mean he has to see/chat to her all the time.

He then texted to say 'are you sure' and she didn't reply so he just stayed up!
He's making the conscious decision to prioritise her - even if it's to your detriment.

Stop pussyfooting around the issue and tell him bluntly that HE is behaving like he's having an EA with her.
Don't volunteer his services as 'favours owed' - they're all adults and can arrange/communicate it themselves.
That way each can be held accountable for their own actions instead of it being thrown back in your face.

Oh do keep up.justvent & tatty I don’t have to walk you through my posts,and I’m exasperated,not arsey
Fwiw I think the op has a slacker of a partner,who should help her more.lots more
Waiting up to check up on how an acquaintance who has a dh got home,that’s odd
I think the notion of warning another woman to yo!stay away from my man is ridiculous
And I have no idea whether or not the op partner is sniffing around this other woman.

Agree with @lipstickhandbagcoffee , the DH does sound crap for a SAHP, he should be doing lots more , sounds like all he is doing is having banter in the SAHM whatsapp group and arranging lifts for some floozy .

Confronting the neighbour as tempting as that would be is defo not the correct way to go about it. DH needs to close the friendship down though , causing too many issues but he must want to do that and it sounds like (from what you've explained op ) that he will turn this into a trust issue rather then ensuring relationship boundaries are respected and strengthened xx