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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be worried about this woman

189 replies

Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 13:40

DH is a SAHP to our two children, one being a toddler. He has lots of mum friends but is particularly close to one who lives nearby.

She's attractive, flirty and a lot of fun. I hang out with her too and enjoy her company.

Last summer it came out that she had an emotional affair with another dad (not a SAHP but someone who worked part time) It seemed to be lots of deep stuff- texting about his relationship, hoe unhappy he was, how beautiful she was etc. Nothing physically happened but it was definitely a EA.

I can't stop thinking about the guys wife. She has two small kids and works full time, and her circumstances are EXACTLY the same as me and DH.

I trust DH 100% but I feel
Uneasy about them spending time alone (well, with toddlers around!) I know nothing would ever happen, but just the thought of him being attracted to her physically and emotionally makes me feel so low.

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous. I work with lots of men so I know it's ridiculous. They whatsapp a lot and see each other pretty much every day and I'm so worried history will repeat itself, DH is very attractive and kind, etc, but not at all flirty in any way.

OP posts:
Hateloggingin · 08/04/2018 00:47

She’s not bloody cod!! She’s someone else who I thought had been banned but I assume not as she’s posting now...

Hateloggingin · 08/04/2018 00:53

Although actually I like her and am glad she’s posting again so will ask mnhq to withdraw my last post.

She is making sense on this thread not sure why some are confused.

Op - I really feel for you, situation is a nightmare :(

caffeinefreebutsadaboutit · 08/04/2018 02:46

Your dh sounds like an absolute dick. You didn't fuck up op, HE is fucking up. He's at risk of losing you, not the other way round.

JiminyBillyBob · 08/04/2018 02:58

I’d be putting a stop to this. Pfft. She sounds awful (bawdy wit? 🙄) and I don’t think she’s a friend to your marriage.

TeisanLap · 08/04/2018 03:39

the DH does sound crap for a SAHP, he should be doing lots more

I think a big part of the problem is that he's a SAHP. He needs to get out into the workplace.

Personalsituations99 · 08/04/2018 06:05

Yeah I agree with the others. Don't SAHP's do the night feeds or am I missing something? Seems he's just enjoying time with his mistress mate. After all look who's home with the baby while he went back out!

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 08/04/2018 07:54

So he came home last night at 10pm which is way past DC's bedtime. He then sterilised and dried a bottle.

Baby was a nightmare last night, she's got a really chesty cough so very unsettled. After her breastfeed at around midnight she was very moany so I poked DH to let him try and settle her. I think he managed to in the end. Then at 4am she woke and he gave her the bottle but she was beside herself and screaming. Think it's too much change for her while she's poorly so I managed to calm her down and give the bottle to her. So I didn't get any extra sleep but hopefully I'm on my way to stopping the breast feeds in the night which is important too.

I haven't spoken to him about anything. I really don't know how to play it. I would hate to think she thinks I'm threatened by her, because I think she wants me to. She's not been very subtle about it in the past and alluded to Dh hanging out with attractive women etc. She probably thinks it's funny but it's not really but I make light of it when comments are made.

We're visiting my elderly mum this morning so I'll report back once I've spoken to him. Still don't really know what to say. It will just come out I guess!!

OP posts:
Personalsituations99 · 08/04/2018 08:02

Honesty tell him how you feel! It can not go on like this.
Following OP and thinking of you Flowers

OohOohMrPeevly · 08/04/2018 08:07

If I were you cheekylittlenumber I would get him to do as many of the night feeds as possible whilst you concentrate on looking after yourself and getting some sleep and getting some "me time". Make yourself feel as fabulous as possible by pampering yourself. Be selfish and put yourself first and the better you feel about yourself the less worried you will be about this very annoying sounding woman. How I dislike her type they always try and make themselves look good in front of the men whilst getting in subtle digs at the women. They don't belong in the sisterhood. Play her at her own game - I've met her type and it's the only way to deal with them.

OohOohMrPeevly · 08/04/2018 08:09

Also tell him clearly that if you are to be the breadwinner then you have to have a good night's sleep - simple as that.

Personalsituations99 · 08/04/2018 08:17

Oh and I would be furious about him getting in at 10pm leaving you hanging after the argument to go drinking with said woman. He's a bit cock sure of himself isn't he.
He better get used to nightfeeds when you go back to work. In future sleep in a seperate room so he has to get up.
Seems he's a SAHD but you're always with the baby.

MsHomeSlice · 08/04/2018 08:23

This woman sounds awful, one group dad on her list already and she has her sights firmly set on your dh now. She is going to go through your friend circle like a dose of the proverbial!

Also in total agreement with lipstick .... he is the SAHP, but from your posts it seems to be a token title for him, as you say, why on earth should you alert him to the fact the baby needs a night feed?? I bet you are reminding him about shopping, and laundry too.

AND kind and thoughtful he most certainly is not...YOU are his wife, his priorities now lay with you and his children, not waiting up just in case MsFancyPants wants a lift. I would be very very vexed about that little snippet.

Bekabeech · 08/04/2018 08:23

You need to get some sleep.
Then you need to have an honest talk.
Tell him how you feel - make it clear it is about how you feel. That yes you feel less attractive than her. That you worry because of the emotional affair (she certainly isn't someone you can trust). Remind him how she froze you out at first. Talk about how he just sees you frazzled, struggling with the baby and you think she seems more glamorous. Let him know that he is only human, and the most unlikely people do stray, so you worry and are jealous (a tiny bit of jealousy isn't a bad thing).

Juells · 08/04/2018 08:33

Knock the SAHD thing on the head, and looking into alternative arrangements. Childcare during the day, shared parenting the rest of the time.

If you were a SAHM and getting up to these shenanigans I'd say the same thing. He's taking the piss.

stressedoutsue · 08/04/2018 08:47

having been in relationships with men who like having female friends, I found they often prioritise these women above their relationship on the basis of "being a good friend" when they should be prioritising their partner. also some women are irrational, they do get off on having attention from men and even if nothings actually happening its very difficult to feel relaxed about the situation. no solutions from me, I now prefer a "man's man" but feel for you, OP

Cuppaoftea · 08/04/2018 09:13

Knock the SAHD thing on the head, and looking into alternative arrangements. Childcare during the day, shared parenting the rest of the time.

Agree with this. I'd lay it out calmly but firmly at this stage. No trying to get him to do a little more of this or that, no 'I feel uncomfortable about her' but simply . . .

'You being a SAHD isn't working. I'm going to look in to childcare options for us to discuss, you need to start jobhunting. We'll share the childcare and housework when not in work.'

And he can leave the Whatsapp group. Both of you can arrange occasional playdates for the children/coffees with parents verbally at the school gate, by text or phone.

TheDowagerCuntess · 08/04/2018 09:48

Given how little parenting he seems to be able to do, or even capable of, he's coming across as quite the cocklodger.

What's the point of him? He's not even fit for purpose, if it doesn't occur to him to sterilise a bottle when he's waiting up to give a random person that doesn't need a lift, a ride home for the evening. Hmm

I mean, she actually told him she had a lift sorted. And she ignored his pathetic 'are you sure?!' text.

He's embarrassing himself. And you.

Juells · 08/04/2018 09:52

he's coming across as quite the cocklodger.

That expression always cracks me up, but I agree with it in this case. What the heck is in the arrangement for the OP? Enabling useless tagger-on, who isn't pulling his weight, to have good times with other women.

Fuck that for a game of cowboys.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 08/04/2018 12:01

**I mean, she actually told him she had a lift sorted. And she ignored his pathetic 'are you sure?!' text.

He's embarrassing himself. And you.**

Agree with this , it's a DH problem , to not even do the bottle but yet wait up all night for this woman. Not acceptable. Xx

Bluntness100 · 08/04/2018 12:36

Reading all your posts I think there is a whole range of issues here. I'm also a bit concerned some folks are treating this like a soap opera and not your actual life and stirring it to make it worse for the entertainment factor.

Here's the things I see.

You're jealous of this woman and how she presents herself.
You perceive her as attractive and more attractive than you.
You dislike your husband spending time with a woman you feel is more attractive than you.
She's got previous and you're using that to surmise she might be after your husband.
Neither she or your husband have ever done anything, they don't even flirt, to make you think there is anything between them other than friendship.
He's shit at night and in the morning with the baby.
You're knackered and not feeling great at the moment, and your insecurities have flared.
She's your neighbour and he is friendly with both her and her husband. He was not drinking with just her last night, he was drinking also with the husband.
The husband it appears has no concern about the friendship and does not appear to think your husband fancies his wife or his wife fancies your husband. Possibly because the relationship doesn't present like that, as you said they don't even flirt.

The more time you spend with her, the more jealous you feel.

So, I would address it one by one.

Focus on you, make yourself feel better, be it shaving your legs, getting your hair done, whatever works for you. Take time out to do some exercise, he's a stay at home dad, so he can ensure you have the time. You need to feel not threatened by her appearance and not insecure about your own.

Take turns at night and in the morning with the baby. So you do it one day, he does it the next. Just get a routine going.

When uou have more sleep, and you feel better about yourself, you might see this whole thing in a different light.

Try to keep reminding yourself there is nothing going on, because there actually is nothing going on. That's a really important fact you can't lose sight of.

ferntwist · 08/04/2018 12:50

I agree wholeheartedly with posters who have said it’s time for him to get a job. He’s not really doing what he needs to as a SAHD and the set-up is at the root of all these problems.

Personalsituations99 · 08/04/2018 12:50

Bluntness are you forgetting he stayed up to pick this woman up and wouldn't help his own wife with the nightfeeds.
No we aren't treating it as though it's a soap opera. We just aren't pussy footing around the issue her husband clearly spends more time and makes more effort with this affair junkie than his actual wife.

Big red flag! I'm sorry but I wouldn't want my husband hanging with someone who has form and he wouldn't like it the other way round either.

Fairenuff · 08/04/2018 13:19

I agree with Blunt. This is too overwhelming to tackle all at once and the first thing to sort out imo is getting more sleep. Everything else will be easier to tackle then.

Routines are a good idea but chose ones that fit your family.

My dh used to do the late feed (about 11pm - midnight) and settle her into bed so I would feed the her at about 6pm - 7pm then eat my own dinner, have a bath/pamper and go to bed early so that I got a good few hours sleep before she woke for a feed at about 5am.

If your dh likes staying up late this might be a good option for you?

ducksandrivers · 08/04/2018 13:42

When I read threads like this, I do wonder if I'm too harsh but if my DH were behaving like yours op. I think I'd be packing his bags. He's not coming across as kind at all!! He cares about her getting home after a night out but won't get up and do his fair share of the night feed when he's a SAHP?

It's just so disrespectful.

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 08/04/2018 14:52

Thank you for all your comments. We had a good chat this morning on the way to my parents. He apologised for yesterday. He's going to do the 1am feed and is happy to do all night feeds once I've weaned her off the breast. He said he felt because she's been breastfed for the majority of his life and we've only started ff for the last 5 weeks he's not really known where to help as it's been my remit (which is true- I mix up when I'm going to ff in the night depending on how engorged I'm feeling) whereas now the ff is more established he knows when he can feed the baby without waking me up to disturb me. I said I didn't want to wake him up and he said he'll get up by himself. We'll see.

I talked about how I feel the friendship has become too much and described a reverse scenario and he said he totally got it. He said he would feel the same, but equally he trusts me and I should trust him. He said he was staying up till midnight Friday night anyway as he was watching the tv so didn't feel like he was staying up especially late. And to clarify he was picking up her, her DH and two of our other friends so it wouldn't be a one on one thing.

He said that me and our DC are more important to him than anything else in the world and he would never do anything to jepordise it.

He said he didn't like the flirtyness/the fact she had the EA and that's clearly a big fault in her character. He said she's never been like that with him and I believe him. I told him I thought she was goady to me sometimes and that even if her jokes are her sense of humour it's not on.

I said we need to set better boundaries with her and that we should have a bit of space, and he was happy with that. He pointed out it was me who both got her to stay for drinks Friday night and offered him to give her a lift, so I need to set boundaries too.

I said that I liked knowing we had someone nearby we trusted to help us out- we have no family nearby. But the sex talk etc is getting boring and chipping at my self esteem. He said she isn't baudy with him when they've spent time together and thinks it's because I 'play her at her own game' in that respect that she thinks I like that interaction. I see why he's come to that conclusion.

OP posts: