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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be worried about this woman

189 replies

Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 13:40

DH is a SAHP to our two children, one being a toddler. He has lots of mum friends but is particularly close to one who lives nearby.

She's attractive, flirty and a lot of fun. I hang out with her too and enjoy her company.

Last summer it came out that she had an emotional affair with another dad (not a SAHP but someone who worked part time) It seemed to be lots of deep stuff- texting about his relationship, hoe unhappy he was, how beautiful she was etc. Nothing physically happened but it was definitely a EA.

I can't stop thinking about the guys wife. She has two small kids and works full time, and her circumstances are EXACTLY the same as me and DH.

I trust DH 100% but I feel
Uneasy about them spending time alone (well, with toddlers around!) I know nothing would ever happen, but just the thought of him being attracted to her physically and emotionally makes me feel so low.

Please tell me I'm being ridiculous. I work with lots of men so I know it's ridiculous. They whatsapp a lot and see each other pretty much every day and I'm so worried history will repeat itself, DH is very attractive and kind, etc, but not at all flirty in any way.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2018 15:28

You don't invite a fox into your hen house. This woman is trouble.

KaliforniaDreamz · 07/04/2018 15:30

She sounds massively insecure and bored in her own marriage. IME there is no intention of having an affair just a deep, cavernous hole needing filling with attention and the knowledge that other men find her attractive.
It's highly irritating.
Perhaps jsut ask your DH to respect some boundaires - eg no texting/whatsapping with just her. If she messages him and he then passes it to you to make the plans (or whatever) she will soon get the hint.

Helmetbymidnight · 07/04/2018 15:31

They whatsapp a lot and see each other pretty much every day

This wouldn't be acceptable to me, and I would expect DH to close this down.

TheJoyOfSox · 07/04/2018 15:33

If you trust your DH this shouldn’t be an issue.

Do you fall for every man you work with? Of course not, so I doubt you have anything to worry about with DH.

If it helps you, could you have a subtle word with the ‘ow’ and let her know how happily married your DH is.

Helmetbymidnight · 07/04/2018 15:36

'If you trust your husband'.

OP normally trusts her husband. But she feels uneasy about this.

Is that so hard for some people to understand?

Idontdowindows · 07/04/2018 15:38

Is that so hard for some people to understand?

It does seem to be, doesn't it.

"If you trust your husband, that woman can be as disrespectful as she likes, and if you say anything about it, you're an insecure woman that doesn't trust her husband".

As if this is about trusting the husband. SMH

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 07/04/2018 15:39

What FuckItPassMeTheWine said

Thinkingofausername1 · 07/04/2018 15:40

You have every right to feel this way. I've come across women like this who work with my dh. I've done the silly thing though and warned them off.
Don't give her any insight to how you are feeling. It will give her more opportunity to keep behaving like she does
If your dh is being open about the messaging that's a good start.

MarvelleGazelle · 07/04/2018 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/04/2018 15:42

Your dp is an adult man,and he'll have to set boundaries and have an appropriate cordial acquaintance with her
You fretting and recalling her form for EA isn’t going to prevent anything
Maybe she is a flirt,maybe she’s on the sniff. That’s wholly her problem
You have to not get preoccupied about what ifs and her alleged dalliances

IntoTheFloodAgain · 07/04/2018 15:44

They whatsapp a lot and see each other pretty much every day

OP could mean at the school gates or something, rather than socially.

Lonesurvivor · 07/04/2018 15:46

Does your dh see that she could be trying to wind you up and be boastful of other dads contacting her?
I think he needs to send out strong signals to her that he doesn't consider her a friend just a fellow parent who's children are friends and spending time with her is facilitating that friendship.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/04/2018 15:47

Have a word with ow tell her dh is happily married.dur,yea if you want to look possessive & paranoid
If I thought my dp was warning other folk off that I’m happily his bidie-in I’d be furious
Your dp isn’t your property that you claim and make sure others know he’s taken

Bluntness100 · 07/04/2018 15:54

I've genuinely never understood the thought process that if a woman finds one man attractive she will find any man attractive. I certainly don't. Just because rhe op fancies her husband and thinks he's attractive doesn't mean this woman does, she might rather chew her own foot off than go near him.

Honestly am always surprised when women think other women fancy their toads of a husband. You can chat and be friends, but not want to jump them. I've chatted to dads at school, I guess I'm considered reasonably attractive and have seen the wife giving me daggers. In my head I'm thinking "you're kidding, right, have you seen him?"

If he fancies her it's a different issue, but at no point should anyone assume becayse she had an ea with one man, who she didn't touch, does it mean she's after any man. It also sounds like this other man did all the running. And yes, his poor wife, but she married the toad.

Huskylover1 · 07/04/2018 15:58

He has lots of mum friends but is particularly close to one who lives nearby

Why is he particularly close to her?

Last summer it came out that she had an emotional affair with another dad

So....now you know what she's capable of.

Nothing physically happened but it was definitely a EA

You have no way of knowing that! They could have been shagging like rabbits!

Uneasy about them spending time alone (well, with toddlers around!) I know nothing would ever happen

Nope. You have no idea what could happen.

I used to have a best friend, we'd been friends for years. She told me one night over a glass of wine, that she was shagging one of her other friends husband. Friend happened to live in the same street. They would squeeze in some sex in the utility room, whilst the kids played elsewhere in the house. She had no problem having sex with this man, and still being close friends with his wife. She would text her friend, asking whether the DH could help her with some DIY...he'd go over to help "hang a picture" but actually they'd be bonking.

I should have ditched her then and there, once I knew what she was capable of. Long story short, just for shits and giggles, she started targeting my (then) husband behind my back. Yep, you guessed it, they ended up shagging too.

I ditched the friend and the husband.

Honestly, with the experience I've had, I would get this woman as far away from your marriage as humanly possible.

She's clearly getting off on attention from other people's husbands and your's will no doubt be in the firing line too. It's great you trust him, but I think even the strongest relationship could be rocked by this dynamic, if you aren't careful. I'd also be concerned that a stay-at-home dad might feel emasculated in some way, and might start to feel puffed up by the attention....seriously get her away to fuck, asap.

Jenna43 · 07/04/2018 16:03

Bluntness100

shes very confident in herself and talks about how random men message her from the school run for example. she's quite open about that other dad and what went on and herself draws parallels between DH and hers friendship

It's not really anything to do with speaking to other dads at school though. I'm assuming you weren't messaging these men or having an EA with them and shouting the odds about it.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 07/04/2018 16:05

@bluntness OP isn’t saying that she fancied one so she’ll fancy them all.
Quite a few pp have said that the main issue the woman is pointing out similarities (presumably to the OP) between an affair she had and the friendship she has with the OPs DH. That’s not merely friendly behaviour. That is trying to imply that this man could go in the direction of her previous affair.

Even if she doesn’t fancy OPs DH, that’s even worse because then she’s pointing out these similarities just to cause paranoia.

Whether the OP trusts her DH or not, she’s not wrong in feeling unease about her.

MorningsEleven · 07/04/2018 16:07

Huskylover1

You make some very good points.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/04/2018 16:26

I have no issues with my DH having female friends but in this instance I'd be wary, for no other reason than she didn't see anything wrong with what she did if she is so open and discusses it regularly.

THIS ^

Also - if she flirts with him and he doesn't respond - or even tells her to shove it - than she may accuse him of having an affair with her out of revenge if she's annoyed enough (she sounds like she doesn't care who gets hurt). And even if you know she's lying, there will always be someone who believes it - mud sticks, unfortunately,

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 16:39

Thank you all for your messages.

Just to clear a few things up, we're basically neighbours with her which is why they might see each other every day. They also attend the same playgroups/toddler groups as well as go to other places like farms, the park etc (but not on their own, with at least one other mum sometimes a few)

As far as I'm aware there's never been one on one time, but we've only recently moved so are nearer and I suspect there is bound to be as our kids will be going to the same school so no doubt they'll be cuppas at each other's etc.

When I say 'drawn parallels' this was in the context that a mate of hers was concerned about her new boyfriends relationship with a mum friend and her mate said 'well look what happened with you and bob' (emotional affair guy) and then the mate brought up DH and the woman said something along the lines of she would more likely flirt with me!

We get on very well, but I am wary and naturally insecure. My DH likes spending time with her, but insists it's purely platonic and if she did ever cross a line he would tell me. He knows it all about the other dad as the other dads wife messages my DH and all the woman's friends all the text messages they had been sending each other- it was really dramatic!

We've just had a big argument as the woman and some other friends came over last night for a couple of drinks and we're going on to another party and we're going to book a cab, so I suggested DH (who wasn't drinking) could drop them to the party. He did then came back and messaged the woman saying he was happy to pick them up (he knew they'd be back by midnight for the babysitter) She didn't reply so he decided to stay up (he's a night owl so not that unusual)

He's been yawning a lot today even though I let him lay in and when I found out he stayed up especially late to pick her (and our other friends!) up I saw red and asked if he would show them that much consideration and stay up late just in case they needed a lift back why the hell couldnt he sterilise the baby bottles or do a night feed (she's just started formula after EBF)

He said I was having a go at him and threw a nappy he was changing across the room. I asked him why he couldn't show me the same kind of consideration. In the five weeks we've been doing formula at night he has only attempted two night feeds and baby gets up around 4 times in the night, all currently breast feeds but he knows I want to stop them and is making very little effort to help me.

He's gone out with our other dc and I'm just upset at it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 16:42

I'm on mat leave btw (god this is outing) and she also said she'd take pictures of all the fun they would have with the kids and send them to me! She's basically a bit of a cunt!

OP posts:
KaliforniaDreamz · 07/04/2018 16:49

As you're on maternity leave this is the time to spend more time with your DH.
Just stop talking to him about her.
It's hard, i know.
I have had a 'friend' like this. x

MarvelleGazelle · 07/04/2018 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MallorieArcher · 07/04/2018 16:54

She does sound like a friend of convenience, she's nearby, she's easy for him to meet up with and get adult conversation.
That being said, she also sounds like a cunt and I'd not want her near my kids with that attitude. I don't know how the other women can still be friends with her either after finding out about the ea.

Original poster
Cheekylittlenumber · 07/04/2018 16:55

I don't want to give her any power by acting like I feel threatened. I need to lose more weight after the baby but I'm in ok nick. It's really weird because I like her a lot and try and bury the concerns I have but I stumbled on pics of a night out that the scorned wife of the EA dad and it made me really sad as they all seem so happy like a close knit gang and I'm worried history will repeat itself. I have total confidence in DH but he can be really naive sometimes and wouldn't pick up on inappropriate behaviour. She talks endlessly about sex, all her past conquests etc. Seeing that woman's pics on fb has just made me sad and angry. I'll push him away if I keep snapping at him though...

I think she must fancy DH as he looks (and has a similar temperament) to the EA dad, but slightly bigger build.

OP posts: