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AIBU?

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Original poster

"I just want you to be submissive sometimes"

246 replies

Peanutbutternut · 07/04/2018 10:50

AIBU or has my DP lost the plot!?!

Maybe I am BU but he's really fucked me off with this comment.

Sorry I need to rant Grin (Please excuse my language)

DP has always tried to be controlling with me. It's an endless string of behaviours over the years but the general consensus is that he is often selfish, it's 'his way or the highway', ignores any suggestions I make, has to be in charge, interrupts me constantly etc. I'm sure he probably was like it in previous relationships (and probably got away with it). He's similar with his parents too.

For example today we were looking for a certain building. I found and pointed out the building to him (which was clearly visible) He completely ignored me and asked a man in the street where the building was. Leaving me a bit Angry I point out his behaviour and he says "Oh well, I would have asked him anyway".

He not too keen on strong women/feminism etc which really pisses me off and I think is an outdated fucking moron opinion.

I'd say I'm fairly tough/will stand up for myself and I think this is the problem. I think ultimately we're incompatible.

The thing is that he completely acknowledges that he's controlling, but insists that there's nothing wrong with it and that I should "just be submissive sometimes". He insists that it's just his personality.

He says that he needs to be the dominant person in the relationship because they are all dominant/submissive under the surface. He doesn't acknowledge that he is the fucking problem!

Maybe a lot of relationships ARE like that but I'd rather have an equal one!!

I try not to put up with the controlling behaviour and confront him when he's trying it.. which ALWAYS leads to him getting upset/annoyed. It often feels like a power struggle which is just childish and tedious.

He then refuses to make up with me and insists that I make an effort to make up because 'he's bad at it'... nothing to do with his fucking pride I'm sure.

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment due to me sticking up for myself more regularly during the past few months. And I have being calling him out on his behaviour.

Maybe I'm the problem for being 'too stubborn' as he says. I genuinely don't know anymore!!

I feel like I'm dating an insecure 14 year old boy sometimes, not a 36 year old manConfused

Other times are fine, but this behaviour is ingrained in everyday life. We've had a good few happy years. No kids yet but talk of marriage. This is what has me thinking.

It's the same old story. He's older than me, intelligent, drinks slightly too much, and we started dating when I was fairly young.

Now I'm older and have developed some self respect I find myself getting irritated by his behaviour.

So is there such thing as an equal relationship without ridiculous power struggles??!

Please rant with me because I'm 3000 miles away from home and I've got nobody to rant to here Grin

OP posts:
NeepNeepNeep · 07/04/2018 10:52

Yes there is such a thing as an equal relationship without endless power struggles. That sounds draining and tedious. This sounds a bit like 50 shades of Grey without the bad sex.

formerbabe · 07/04/2018 10:54

My advice...don't marry or have children with him. You're incompatible. Marriage and children will make this situation worse imo. I'd call it a day personally.

Chickychoccyegg · 07/04/2018 10:54

He sounds like hard work , think I would have given up before now.
He sounds rude and patronising, and no wonder you've started to have some doubts, if I were you, I think I'd be ending the relationship asap x

LadyLoveYourWhat · 07/04/2018 10:54

Yes, it is possible to have an equal relationship with no power struggles. I hate that "I can't do it because I'm bad at it" argument, like anything else in life you get better by practising.

I'd cut your losses.

LearnFromThePast · 07/04/2018 10:55

I just could not be with someone like this. It shouldn’t be such a struggle to be heard. I would also worry about attitudes he would teach any potential children we had. I would not want my daughter taught to be submissive or my son being told he has to be some alpha male.

Most of all, you just don’t sound happy. All relationships have their bad or difficult times but you shouldn’t have to fundamentally change who you are or what you believe to be in one.

ShirleyValentineswall · 07/04/2018 10:56

Fuck that shit. LTB.

fuzzywuzzy · 07/04/2018 10:57

Don’t marry him or have children with him.

He’s showing you he’s not a nice person and wants you to stay in your place while he is the big man.

I’d personally run.

AmysTiara · 07/04/2018 10:57

Well ive had some pretty crap relationships but none of them have involved power struggles so no I don't think it's the norm.

It sounds extremely tedious and he doesn't sound like a nice person. I'd hate a relationship like that.

ScipioAfricanus · 07/04/2018 10:57

Of course there’s such a thing as an equal relationship. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and I would not have put up with your Dh’s nonsense for five minutes. I couldn’t respect a man who needs someone to kowtow to him to feel important.

I think some men who like to date younger women do so particularly because it gives them a nice paternal imbalance of power. Even if it never escalated above how he is now it seems very degrading to you (the building anecdote) and will wear away at you.

You have no commitments and no children with him. I think you should get out now.

formerbabe · 07/04/2018 10:58

How old are you op?

NorthernLurker · 07/04/2018 10:58

Of course it's possible to have a relationship without power struggles but it isn't possible with a man like that. Get out now, don't tell him you are going. Just go.

AnnaMagnani · 07/04/2018 10:58

What fuzzywuzzy said. With bells on.

userabcname · 07/04/2018 10:59

Why would you marry him???? Run!! Run away now!!! No relationships are not like this - he is selfish and controlling as you yourself have said. Don't hang around to let it get worse. Check out the Relationship board for some idea of what ignoring this huge red flag waving in your face could lead to.

YoucancallmeVal · 07/04/2018 10:59

Bloody hell, OP he sounds awful! What on earth do you see in him??

erazerhead · 07/04/2018 10:59

'not too keen on strong women/ feminism etc'
Can you elaborate on this because from what you've said he sounds like a massive twat who throws his toys out the pram when he can't get what he wants. How attractively dominant Hmm

I could not be with someone who didn't allow me my own opinions

ScipioAfricanus · 07/04/2018 10:59

DP not DH, sorry.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 07/04/2018 10:59

Oh he sounds exhausting.

My 7 year old is going through a phase at the minute where he simply won't accept that I'm in charge and feels that he ought to be the King of England. It's exhausting some days and this kid came from my actual body, so I'm compelled to love and tolerate him even though I want to drop kick him through the lounge window (I won't).

The difference is you don't have to be with this person. He's not a child you can work through this with and teach; my 7 year old is a work in progress and will eventually get through this phase. Your 36 year old is the finished article. There's no changing that kind of behaviour at that age. He's just a dick. How you've tolerated a relationship with this person is anyone's guess, but you cannot spend a lifetime being spoken to and treated that way. Leave him alone to be rude and dominating. There are so many better, kinder people you could spend your time with.

mummmy2017 · 07/04/2018 10:59

Ask him how he sees money being sorted when you have children....
Bet he won't have joint account and share......
Run

Bumblefuddle · 07/04/2018 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 07/04/2018 11:00

You need to walk away.

MadMags · 07/04/2018 11:00

No, no, no.

Please don’t get married and for the love of god, don’t make this man a parent.

DeathStare · 07/04/2018 11:01

Yes equal relationships exist. This man doesn't want a partner - he wants a servant. Someone to do as he says, when he says and who he can be in charge of. Someone whose happiness and well being he doesn't have to worry about because his happiness and well being is all that matters. Someone who will sacrifice themselves for him.

Is that what you want from a relationship? Because in the nicest possible way, he's being very clear about what it is that he is offering you. He's not telling you he will try harder. He's not telling you he gets your point of view. He's being very clear. If you stay with him this is what he's offering you.

Is this is what you want? Are you happy? You don't sound happy and it doesn't sound like what you want. I wouldn't be happy and I wouldn't want it either. And if that's the case you need to get out. There isn't another option.

CuntPuffin · 07/04/2018 11:01

I'd be out of there pronto. He is showing you all the signs that he wants to control you. It'll only get worse if you marry him. I couldn't be with someone who though feminism was a waste of time or disregarded my opinions all the time.

An equal relationship is perfectly possible, but not when one partner doesn't want it to be equal.

DancingLedge · 07/04/2018 11:01

Sounds like a relationship you've grown out of.
By maturing, becoming more self confident, and realising that someone taking charge and discounting you is not needed by any adult.

" I genuinely don't know any more" is the worrying bit. You do know. You're getting worn down by him.

Get out now, while you can still see it.

TrollHunterGeneral · 07/04/2018 11:01

Why put up with any of it in the first place?

I mean, really?

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