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AIBU?

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Original poster

"I just want you to be submissive sometimes"

246 replies

Peanutbutternut · 07/04/2018 10:50

AIBU or has my DP lost the plot!?!

Maybe I am BU but he's really fucked me off with this comment.

Sorry I need to rant Grin (Please excuse my language)

DP has always tried to be controlling with me. It's an endless string of behaviours over the years but the general consensus is that he is often selfish, it's 'his way or the highway', ignores any suggestions I make, has to be in charge, interrupts me constantly etc. I'm sure he probably was like it in previous relationships (and probably got away with it). He's similar with his parents too.

For example today we were looking for a certain building. I found and pointed out the building to him (which was clearly visible) He completely ignored me and asked a man in the street where the building was. Leaving me a bit Angry I point out his behaviour and he says "Oh well, I would have asked him anyway".

He not too keen on strong women/feminism etc which really pisses me off and I think is an outdated fucking moron opinion.

I'd say I'm fairly tough/will stand up for myself and I think this is the problem. I think ultimately we're incompatible.

The thing is that he completely acknowledges that he's controlling, but insists that there's nothing wrong with it and that I should "just be submissive sometimes". He insists that it's just his personality.

He says that he needs to be the dominant person in the relationship because they are all dominant/submissive under the surface. He doesn't acknowledge that he is the fucking problem!

Maybe a lot of relationships ARE like that but I'd rather have an equal one!!

I try not to put up with the controlling behaviour and confront him when he's trying it.. which ALWAYS leads to him getting upset/annoyed. It often feels like a power struggle which is just childish and tedious.

He then refuses to make up with me and insists that I make an effort to make up because 'he's bad at it'... nothing to do with his fucking pride I'm sure.

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment due to me sticking up for myself more regularly during the past few months. And I have being calling him out on his behaviour.

Maybe I'm the problem for being 'too stubborn' as he says. I genuinely don't know anymore!!

I feel like I'm dating an insecure 14 year old boy sometimes, not a 36 year old manConfused

Other times are fine, but this behaviour is ingrained in everyday life. We've had a good few happy years. No kids yet but talk of marriage. This is what has me thinking.

It's the same old story. He's older than me, intelligent, drinks slightly too much, and we started dating when I was fairly young.

Now I'm older and have developed some self respect I find myself getting irritated by his behaviour.

So is there such thing as an equal relationship without ridiculous power struggles??!

Please rant with me because I'm 3000 miles away from home and I've got nobody to rant to here Grin

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/04/2018 12:01

Oh my..sorry to say he will NEVER change permanently, he has way too much invested in keeping in one up role..

Every man I've ever come across like this who has promised to change... (sadly just enough for someone to agree to marry/have babies with them) hasn't sustained change.

This change lasts 6.months tops....

Why are you wasting time with this mysogynistic twat...??

There are plenty of fun, decent men out there (yes I'm referring to you DP who is cleaning the kitchen as I write😁)..and singing loudly.

Let someone who likes arse holes take on this one....

You're worth so much more than this!!

tribpot · 07/04/2018 12:06

He not too keen on strong women/feminism etc

You don't fucking say.

This is a relationship with a shelf life. Either you learn how to be submissive (why?) or you leave before he finds someone younger who is as naive as you once were. I'd get out on your terms - don't give him the satisfaction of dumping you for someone who hasn't wised up to his shit yet.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 07/04/2018 12:09

Do not marry this man. It will get worse. Much much worse. He is a narcissist. Would a woman the same age as him out up with his crap?

DropItLikeASquat · 07/04/2018 12:10

RUN as fast as you can away from this prick.
He is a controlling ass hole and adding marriage and children to this mix will only increase the sour balance in your relationship.
You deserve so much more than someone who treats you like this.
This is not a situation that will end well. He is draining the life out of you and its exhausting you.
Chin up, big girl pants on. You have outgrown him and his childish 'boys out of the pram' attitude.
You are young, intelligent and strong and you have your whole life waiting for you, happier, more confident and as an equal. x

woollyheart · 07/04/2018 12:11

You should believe him when he says this is his personality and he can’t change it. He is telling the truth, and if you could persuade him to behave more considerately and respectfully, it would be short lived. Don’t delude yourself that it is in your power to change him. If you can’t tolerate this sort of behaviour anymore, you know what the answer is.

AssignedPuuurfectAtBirth · 07/04/2018 12:12

You still have time to meet someone else if you want to, have a familiy if you want to. Maybe even decide you don't want to.

But you need to get out of this, because soon you will feel that you have no options at all if you stay with him. Live your life, don't be told how to live it.

Get out. You are worth more than this.

And if you have kids, he will have you exactly where he wants you. Don't have kids with him. Get out, now

Minta85 · 07/04/2018 12:14

Would you be happy for your children to have a father like this man? Would you be happy for your daughter to grow up seeing this relationship dynamic and possibly replicating it in her own relationships with men? Or for your son to think that it’s normal and acceptable to treat women like this?

pigsDOfly · 07/04/2018 12:15

Agree with pp he won't change, ever. He's told you that, listen to him.

Anyone who says 'this is the way I am, I'm never going to change' is a prick.

There's a very good reason he's gone for a younger woman.

RandomMess · 07/04/2018 12:16

Sounds like making of a miserable future marriage and family to me.

Run for the hills!!! I think he will expect increasingly submissive behaviour from you as "his wife" and if you work less to bring up any DC...

pencilhoarder · 07/04/2018 12:17

Get away from him and stay away from men like this, OP, they can become a habit without you realising it because of your attachment style and possibly childhood role models.

You deserve a life but you won't have much of one whilst you're with this tosser.

Tigerpit · 07/04/2018 12:18

You don't sound happy, OP. I think you deserve to be happy, with someone who respects you, acknowledges your talents, skills and own unique characteristics. If it's not him, it's not him. Never blow out your own candles to make someone else's light shine brighter xxx

Jammy33 · 07/04/2018 12:19

You said your relationship was on thin ice. I wish I could give you a huge ice pick to smash that ice. Get out!!

UpstartCrow · 07/04/2018 12:19

"I just want you to be submissive sometimes"

He doesn't believe in equality so that's a lie, isn't it. He means he wants you to be deferential 100% of the time.
If you did have children they would also have to be submissive to him, and his daughter would have to be submissive to his son.

kimanda · 07/04/2018 12:23

Didn't read the full thread, but based on the first post, your partner sounds like a first class twat OP...

Not often I say this but LTB.

Flisspaps · 07/04/2018 12:24

RUN AWAY

OliviaStabler · 07/04/2018 12:32

To be blunt, WTF are you still doing with him? He has no respect for you. He will always need to be the top dog in any relationship from the sounds of it and you are clashing heads as you are starting to stand up to him.

Walk away. Can you imagine the damage he would do to any children you had? Oh wait, I bet he does not want any, can't stand the competition.

Prancingonthevalentine · 07/04/2018 12:35

Oh god no

BlueSapp · 07/04/2018 12:39

Please OP do not marry this man you need to run away from this relationship now leave and don’t go back.

You can have an equal relationship with a decent human being this guy is not one of those.

Lweji · 07/04/2018 12:42

Run for the hills.

It won't end up well.

You cannot control him, and you can't change him. Sticking with him is not a sign of how strong you are as a woman.
Keep your self respect and look for a man who respects you too.

CanIBuffalo · 07/04/2018 12:43

IME men who 'don't like strong women' tend to be woeful inadequates themselves.

BonsaiBear · 07/04/2018 12:43

Agreed that "I just want you to be submissive sometimes" is not terribly hard to crack code for "I want you to be submissive ALL the time."

He'll keep chipping away until he wears you down if you stay with him. If you bring children into the mix it will be much easier to do and will keep you bound to him for years. More than likely he will both resent any children and use them as a means to control you and put you in your place. That would be miserable for all involved.

He won't change. Your choices are either spend your life fighting against his control which would be exhausting or accept it and watch it get worse and worse as time goes on - every bit of submission he gets from you will lead to a desire for more until piece by piece you lose everything that makes you, you. (and by the way, he will most likely lose all respect for the shell of a person he turns you into into the bargain and despise you in the end)

Or - leave, be free, have a happy life.

NoSquirrels · 07/04/2018 12:44

Well, everyone else has said it.

More importantly, though, you said it first:

I think ultimately we're incompatible.

Google the Sunk Costs Fallacy.

Think about how you’d like to parent children you might have, and how that would go with your current DP. The need to be the Big Man all the time - how will you negotiate toddler tantrums, childcare splits and whose job is most important on the day the kids get sick and you’ve both got to work, how will you divide up all the unglamorous grunt work of school assemblies or after-school stuff when it clashes with his hobbies. How will he relate to the pre-teen who wants to give up football for “no good reason”? How will he deal with his daughter dating boys and flexing her independence...

Up to you, but 36 is the right age to decide if you’re willing to keep going despite his attitude.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2018 12:53

He's a cunt with major potential to become abusive.

Echobelly · 07/04/2018 12:54

Wow, he's not even bothered to cover up his lack of respect for you (some men are good at seeming charming to cover up that they don't really think women are people). Not a keeper.

RallyAnnie · 07/04/2018 13:00

What do you need to have in place to be able to leave this man? Get yourself ready with finances, somewhere to go, and plan a date to do it. Whether you're asking him to leave, or getting up and going yourself, remove the obstacles and do it. He is showing you who he is, and as others have said, marriage and children won't make things better, they will polarise things further. Do it now and make room in your life for a loving, caring and above all equal relationship. It's out there.

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