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AIBU?

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Original poster

"I just want you to be submissive sometimes"

246 replies

Peanutbutternut · 07/04/2018 10:50

AIBU or has my DP lost the plot!?!

Maybe I am BU but he's really fucked me off with this comment.

Sorry I need to rant Grin (Please excuse my language)

DP has always tried to be controlling with me. It's an endless string of behaviours over the years but the general consensus is that he is often selfish, it's 'his way or the highway', ignores any suggestions I make, has to be in charge, interrupts me constantly etc. I'm sure he probably was like it in previous relationships (and probably got away with it). He's similar with his parents too.

For example today we were looking for a certain building. I found and pointed out the building to him (which was clearly visible) He completely ignored me and asked a man in the street where the building was. Leaving me a bit Angry I point out his behaviour and he says "Oh well, I would have asked him anyway".

He not too keen on strong women/feminism etc which really pisses me off and I think is an outdated fucking moron opinion.

I'd say I'm fairly tough/will stand up for myself and I think this is the problem. I think ultimately we're incompatible.

The thing is that he completely acknowledges that he's controlling, but insists that there's nothing wrong with it and that I should "just be submissive sometimes". He insists that it's just his personality.

He says that he needs to be the dominant person in the relationship because they are all dominant/submissive under the surface. He doesn't acknowledge that he is the fucking problem!

Maybe a lot of relationships ARE like that but I'd rather have an equal one!!

I try not to put up with the controlling behaviour and confront him when he's trying it.. which ALWAYS leads to him getting upset/annoyed. It often feels like a power struggle which is just childish and tedious.

He then refuses to make up with me and insists that I make an effort to make up because 'he's bad at it'... nothing to do with his fucking pride I'm sure.

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment due to me sticking up for myself more regularly during the past few months. And I have being calling him out on his behaviour.

Maybe I'm the problem for being 'too stubborn' as he says. I genuinely don't know anymore!!

I feel like I'm dating an insecure 14 year old boy sometimes, not a 36 year old manConfused

Other times are fine, but this behaviour is ingrained in everyday life. We've had a good few happy years. No kids yet but talk of marriage. This is what has me thinking.

It's the same old story. He's older than me, intelligent, drinks slightly too much, and we started dating when I was fairly young.

Now I'm older and have developed some self respect I find myself getting irritated by his behaviour.

So is there such thing as an equal relationship without ridiculous power struggles??!

Please rant with me because I'm 3000 miles away from home and I've got nobody to rant to here Grin

OP posts:
catinapoolofsunshine · 07/04/2018 11:26

Peanutbutter why would you stay with him? If you have no children it makes no sense to stay with a man you don't even like, who doesn't respect you. I can't really even understand why you posted, because its so transparently obvious that you know its a stupid relationship.

Kualabear · 07/04/2018 11:27

Total fuckwit ( I say that as a man). Don't waste your time, or life, on such a moron. Next!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2018 11:28

You what kids? Your body clock is ticking now. Go and find yourself a decent man. You’ve wasted far too long on this misogynistic idiot.

Hypermice · 07/04/2018 11:31

God he sounds absolutely bloody awful. Of course equal relationships exist. We have one.

Look there’s like 3.5 billion men on the planet, you don’t have to settle for a shit one. The building thing is like that bloody fast show sketch (it’s happened to me at work several times but I’ll be damned if it ever happened at home.)

Tedious, tiring, demoralising and wearing. You can do better than that. Truly strong people have no need to dominate others.

AngryAttackKittens · 07/04/2018 11:32

More seriously, you said it yourself, OP - you're totally incompatible.(And also he's a dick. I know you didn't say that part, but it's true.) So best to get out now, before he pulls some kind of poking a hole in to condom type trick to trap you into staying with him.

LeighaJ · 07/04/2018 11:33

Your relationship sounds unhealthy and it's not you, it's him, I'd get out now rather than later. People like him don't change except for getting more set in their ways.

My guess is he picked a younger woman because he thought you'd be easier to control then one his own age. Bleh.

You can do better.

RatRolyPoly · 07/04/2018 11:33

Curious my late teens/twenties sound very similar to yours. Invariably the men were older than me too, often a lot. Then I grew up... and realised I was stronger than any of them, for all their alpha, masculine showiness.

In short, I agree with every poster saying...

... you've outgrown him.

viques · 07/04/2018 11:33

I think you have explained it very well yourself in your opening post.

You met while you were very young and insecure.
He appeared to know it all, appeared strong, made decisions for you both.

You have matured, changed and developed as a human being, and have realised that you have opinions and expectations of your own life and your abilities which are different but as valid as his.

He has not matured, changed or developed. He never will,why should he? He has what he needs from you and will continue to suppress you to maintain the situation.

You have outgrown him.

You will never be happy if you constantly feel that your individuality is being crushed. He will never be happy if you assert yourself and demand equality in your relationship.

Time to move on.

colditz · 07/04/2018 11:36

he insists it's just his personality because it IS just his personality - and his personality isn't very nice.

Don't get lost on a sunk cost fallacy. You aren't going to gain back the lovely years, they're gone. This IS him now.

NathusiusPip · 07/04/2018 11:37

Fuck me, please please please don't have children with this numpty! If he's being such a dick now, can you imagine what he'll be like when you're trapped at home with a child or two? Shock

He's shown you clearly who he is and what he wants. Why on earth are you with him??

niknac1 · 07/04/2018 11:38

Hi really hope you don’t live together, I would advise looking for someone more compatible to you.

Notonthestairs · 07/04/2018 11:38

It's all been said before. He's not the right person for you (and he's just not right although maybe there will be some woman out there that loves this shit). Life will bring curve balls - redundancies, babies that don't sleep, illnesses etc - you need to be in it together to survive and be happy.
Don't settle for him

Hispterwannabe · 07/04/2018 11:39

Relationships where there is a power struggle is difficult ime. Some of his opinions seem very outdated and a little alarming, especially your comment about him not likin strong, empowered women. I’ve learnt through my own experience that men who have control issues have issues with their self esteem and their control of others somehow validates them.

An ex of mine whom I’m still deeply in love with had serious control issues. He was my boss when we met so there was already an imbalance of power but as I matured and grew I overtook hm, wanted more money than him and he really struggled with that and said that I sometimes emasculated him. He would constantly tell me I needed to ‘surrender’ more to him and that submitting to him would make me happier and more at ease. I quickly learnt that my own independence made me happier.

You’re clearly upset by his behaviour (as I would be) and so I’d recommend talking through it rationally and tell him how uncomfortable it makes you and maybe explore why he has these demands, maybe there’s a deeper rooted problem within him?

ReanimatedSGB · 07/04/2018 11:39

Dump him. Straight away. I say this as someone with long experience of the BDSM scene - there are a lot of tossers like him involved in BDSM but the rest of us tend to laugh at them.
PP who said he will soon bin you for another ickle girlie he can overawe and overrule had a point - but the other thing with profoundly inadequate men like this is they have a tendency to seek out strong, smart, competent women and try to destroy them. Because what motivates these men is a fundamental hatred and fear of women - their fragile willies can only survive if they 'conquer' women, and the tougher the woman, the bigger their dick must be if they can make her grovel and obey.

So run for the fucking hills - do you live with him? Share finances? If you have separate homes, just tell him he's dumped and be prepared to have to involve the police if he doesn't fuck off. If you have to separate out your households, plan first and move fast. Best of luck.

senua · 07/04/2018 11:40

The thing is that he completely acknowledges that he's controlling, but insists that there's nothing wrong with it and that I should "just be submissive sometimes" ... He says that he needs to be the dominant person in the relationship because they are all dominant/submissive under the surface.

Classic gaslighting. Your inner insight is screaming that this is wrong yet he still manages to make you doubt yourself. He is the one in the wrong.

Walk away. It will only get worse if you stay.

kateandme · 07/04/2018 11:41

it seems to have got gradually worse.and in inding yourself and what makes you happy more has riled him up the wrong way.this type of personality wants there "victim" to bow down to them,control. so you not doing so wont lead to anything good.
submissive is such a horrible term.
I get it there are some blokes who like to feel more butch etc or whatever reason.old fashioned like to be the "me make fire for wife"type. but they will give and they will still backdown if needed. yours sounds like hes gone too far ove that line.
it would over time too get more tiring.

RatRolyPoly · 07/04/2018 11:42

he will soon bin you for another ickle girlie he can overawe and overrule had a point - but the other thing with profoundly inadequate men like this is they have a tendency to seek out strong, smart, competent women and try to destroy them.

Never a truer word.

SandyY2K · 07/04/2018 11:42

He needs to seek out a submissive woman. Some women like being dominated...In fact they look for a Dom...while they are the sub in every aspect of the relationship.

Quite simply ...This isn't the relationship for you.

Hypermice · 07/04/2018 11:43

but the other thing with profoundly inadequate men like this is they have a tendency to seek out strong, smart, competent women and try to destroy them.

This is sadly true. I’ve seen more than one intelligent, professional friend ground into the floor by men like this. It started as behaviour like you describe, and as children came on the scene, or as the women ascended in their careers, it turned physical. One had her kidney ruptured in a particularly bad beating and the other was turned into a submissive mouse. Awful to witness :/

speakout · 07/04/2018 11:50

RUN!!!

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 07/04/2018 11:53

He sounds like an utter tosser. He will not change.

You know what you need to do. There is no point in keeping on with a relationship that no longer works, and where you know your partner is an arse.

Idontdowindows · 07/04/2018 11:54

Blooming heck, talking of marriage?

Really? Why on this green earth would you marry a man like that?

ReanimatedSGB · 07/04/2018 11:54

There isn't anything inherently wrong with a submissive/dominant relationship if both partners are happy. (Though the ones that seem to work best are the ones where all participants are capable of laughing at themselves and the relationship from time to time and acknowledging that it's a mutually agreed game.)

This is not a mutually agreed submissive/dominant relationship. It's a weak, arrogant loser and a woman who's outgrown him and who needs to dump him quickly.

pigsDOfly · 07/04/2018 11:57

I could have written a good chunk of your post 40 years ago OP, that thing of asking the man directions when you'd already said you know where the building is was exactly the sort of thing my exh would do.

I was also young when we met and he was twelve years older.

One example of many incidences that sticks in my mind was when we were having some decorating done on the house - I was a sahm expecting my second baby. The man who was doing the work suggested a paint colour that I didn't like, obviously I wanted to have a say in the choice as it was in our bedroom. I kid you not, we ended up with the paint colour the builder thought we should have, because that was the decision my exh - husband at the time - made.

It took me a long time to realise how worn down I'd become by him but eventually I ended the marriage and found out what happiness was. I've been divorced nearly 20 years now, it was the best thing I ever did.

Please don't tie yourself to this man. You'll either end up with a lifetime of conflict or you'll accept it for a quiet life. Either way it won't make you happy.

IAmWonkoTheSane · 07/04/2018 12:01

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