"I just want you to be submissive sometimes"

[Peanutbutternut]

AIBU or has my DP lost the plot!?!

Maybe I am BU but he's really fucked me off with this comment.

Sorry I need to rant (Please excuse my language)

DP has always tried to be controlling with me. It's an endless string of behaviours over the years but the general consensus is that he is often selfish, it's 'his way or the highway', ignores any suggestions I make, has to be in charge, interrupts me constantly etc. I'm sure he probably was like it in previous relationships (and probably got away with it). He's similar with his parents too.

For example today we were looking for a certain building. I found and pointed out the building to him (which was clearly visible) He completely ignored me and asked a man in the street where the building was. Leaving me a bit I point out his behaviour and he says "Oh well, I would have asked him anyway".

He not too keen on strong women/feminism etc which really pisses me off and I think is an outdated fucking moron opinion.

I'd say I'm fairly tough/will stand up for myself and I think this is the problem. I think ultimately we're incompatible.

The thing is that he completely acknowledges that he's controlling, but insists that there's nothing wrong with it and that I should "just be submissive sometimes". He insists that it's just his personality.

He says that he needs to be the dominant person in the relationship because they are all dominant/submissive under the surface. He doesn't acknowledge that he is the fucking problem!

Maybe a lot of relationships ARE like that but I'd rather have an equal one!!

I try not to put up with the controlling behaviour and confront him when he's trying it.. which ALWAYS leads to him getting upset/annoyed. It often feels like a power struggle which is just childish and tedious.

He then refuses to make up with me and insists that I make an effort to make up because 'he's bad at it'... nothing to do with his fucking pride I'm sure.

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment due to me sticking up for myself more regularly during the past few months. And I have being calling him out on his behaviour.

Maybe I'm the problem for being 'too stubborn' as he says. I genuinely don't know anymore!!

I feel like I'm dating an insecure 14 year old boy sometimes, not a 36 year old man

Other times are fine, but this behaviour is ingrained in everyday life. We've had a good few happy years. No kids yet but talk of marriage. This is what has me thinking.

It's the same old story. He's older than me, intelligent, drinks slightly too much, and we started dating when I was fairly young.

Now I'm older and have developed some self respect I find myself getting irritated by his behaviour.

So is there such thing as an equal relationship without ridiculous power struggles??!

Please rant with me because I'm 3000 miles away from home and I've got nobody to rant to here

Do not have children with him. Once you have children standing up for yourself becomes so much more difficult.

Imagine :-
You're exhausted, you have 2 under fives, he comes home late and is controlling but you can't walk out, or have a screaming row, or tell him to get out without knowing it will affect the children.

You're on holiday and he is a prick - single you do your own thing and leave him to stew. You with a baby cannot easily do so.

It's Christmas Eve and he starts dictating things, putting you down, and there's a row. Single you says "fuck it" and maybe goes to stay with a friend. But you are not going to ruin Christmas for a two and four year old are you? So you stay and he wins.

You have a tough pregnancy and birth and you are exhausted and need support. You have to leave work because you have child who is ill so you are financially weak and not on top of things - He takes advantage of that - and you never quite get back on a level playing field again.

Mainly I say "Equality" in relationships is a flexible term and as long as both are happy it doesn't matter if every single point is "negotiated" - but this has alarm bells all over it.

This really resonated with me. For various long standing emotional reasons (which I didn’t realise at the time) I dated a series of alpha men in my teens and twenties. Everything was like you describe, either an overt or an undercurrent of ‘shut the fuck up because I am the alpha’. At the time I obviously (subconsciously) felt I wasn’t worth more yet railed against the injustice daily because i knew it was wrong for me. And so the relationships were firey - exciting but exhausting. Horribly addictive. And ultimately damaging.

I wanted babies with the last in this string of long term partners before I met my very different husband who kind of saved me from myself, entirely by accident. I thank god daily I didn’t have babies before I met him, not only because things only become magnified when you have kids, when you’re tired, hormonal and when even the most solid of relationships is tested, but because I am so bloody grateful that my girls’ first male role model isn’t an emotionally damaged man child. This would no doubt have resulted in the cycle of emotional damage continuing for another generation. My girls see what an equal, healthy (but not perfect) relationship looks like, they have a solid first male relationship with their daddy and they won’t have the crippling insecurities I still have now as a result of my early absent/damaging male parental influences.

I don’t know why you’re with your DP but i do know that alphas can also be very charming. I just wish someone had given me a shake earlier and told me straight that I deserved better. I did and you do - you deserve equality. You deserve to be treasured.

Run for the hills (airport) x

Why are you having a relationship with someone who you are clearly incompatible with?

I wouldn't have got past the first date with a man that was "not keen on feminism", feminism means believing men and women are equal, why on earth would you date somebody who is not keen on seeing you as an equal? that translates into: he sees you as inferior... unattractive much?!

"I just want you to be 6ft2 with a massive penis and 6 pack abs. Guess neither of us will be getting what we want, eh?"

Bugger that for a life.

Exit stage left for both your sakes.

Honestly, OP, get out of this it sounds awful - a relationship is a partnership of equals not a power struggle.

It is perfectly possible to have an equal relationship, I've been in one with my dh for many, many years neither of us would accept anything less. Hell would freeze over before either of us would be dominant or submissive to the other, we have different strengths and weaknesses and play to them accordingly and that is what makes us such a strong, united team.

I think you know that you're not in the best relationship. It sounds like you've outgrown him. I really don't understand why people without kids stay in crappy relationships. Surely you'd be happier out of it?

Run. As fast as you possibly can.

Did anyone else breathe a HUGE sigh of relief when the OP said they didn't have children together? I did!

OP, you'd be crazy to stay with this man. You've seen right through him and now it's time to go. I'm not sure all the women on dating sites will be thanking you for it, though - he sounds a nightmare.

Why the hell do men who dislike a strong woman end up with one and then try to change them into something else? You have always been strong you just didn't have the confidence to question him before. Please do not marry or have kids with this man. He will break you and make you into a submissive zombie.

OMG WTAF are you doing with this tosser?

It sounds like you’ve been together very a long time, but I expect it feels even longer.

He’s a Grade A Bellend.

LEAVE.

Sounds like you could do with getting out too forgettingnames - for you

What would he say if you told him you were willing to be submissive but he has to be the sub on alternative days. As he points out that’s his personality, but you have a personality too and it can’t all be about how he wants to be.

Does he understand that he could potentially lose you if he can’t control his behaviour? He does need to understand that he can’t just treat you like shit and say “it’s just who I am” that’s not good enough in the 21st century.

Rant away, but remember to rant at him as well as with us. Have a bouquet from me

I thought this was going to be a sex thing, and wanted to remind you that you don’t have to do things that you don’t want to and any attempt to coerce you is creepy and gross.

But the fact that this is something he’s trying to force on you in every day life is still creepy and still gross. You’re incompatible. He sounds awful. Please leave!

I'm with @curious on this one. Exciting, yes. Passionate, yes but soul destroying and ultimately destructive.

For 'be submissive' he means 'why can't you just shut up, let me be the Big Man? Why can't you do as I say, fulfil my every whim, never complain, never argue, let me smack you occasionally when I really think you are out of order, never 'talk back' or stand up to me. Why can't you just wear lots of make up, never talk, wear high heels and hang simpering on my arm so that all other men will admire me? Why don't you go and get your brain removed so that I can tell you things and you will believe me?'

Tell him to fuck off back to the 1800s.

AngryAttackKittens :D

I have used this sort of phrase to excellent effect. The relationship didn't last long after but the long on his face still makes me laugh.

The stronger you get the more he'll resent you and the worse he'll treat you. He wanted you when you were young and maleable and could be owned by him. He wants to keep your that way.

Be with someone who wants you to be the strongest, most powerful and best version of yourself.

What was appealing about him when you were younger was probably the semblance of strength. As we grow in ourselves sometimes we realise what we took before as strength are the childish dominance displays of a weak man.

A strong man wants a strong woman. He wants his woman to be the strongest she can be. He helps her get there. He isn't intimidated by that. He doesn't try to keep her down, or keep her in her box.

Lecture over - ltb!

*look

Oh dear. He can't handle a woman who thinks she is his equal and stands up for herself? Run. Do not marry him. Do not have kids with him. Dump pronto.

He's not listening to you, which is disrespectful.

The sub/don't thing is his way of trying to make his behaviour sound reasonable. It isn't reasonable.

He actually believes he's a more valuable human being than you. And is not willing to change.
Get out.

Dump him.
Today.

I'd walk away op.
Can you imagine how he would bring his daughter up?
Run for the hills ,don't waste any more time on him,find someone who loves you exactly as you are,and makes you happy.