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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I just want you to be submissive sometimes"

246 replies

Peanutbutternut · 07/04/2018 10:50

AIBU or has my DP lost the plot!?!

Maybe I am BU but he's really fucked me off with this comment.

Sorry I need to rant Grin (Please excuse my language)

DP has always tried to be controlling with me. It's an endless string of behaviours over the years but the general consensus is that he is often selfish, it's 'his way or the highway', ignores any suggestions I make, has to be in charge, interrupts me constantly etc. I'm sure he probably was like it in previous relationships (and probably got away with it). He's similar with his parents too.

For example today we were looking for a certain building. I found and pointed out the building to him (which was clearly visible) He completely ignored me and asked a man in the street where the building was. Leaving me a bit Angry I point out his behaviour and he says "Oh well, I would have asked him anyway".

He not too keen on strong women/feminism etc which really pisses me off and I think is an outdated fucking moron opinion.

I'd say I'm fairly tough/will stand up for myself and I think this is the problem. I think ultimately we're incompatible.

The thing is that he completely acknowledges that he's controlling, but insists that there's nothing wrong with it and that I should "just be submissive sometimes". He insists that it's just his personality.

He says that he needs to be the dominant person in the relationship because they are all dominant/submissive under the surface. He doesn't acknowledge that he is the fucking problem!

Maybe a lot of relationships ARE like that but I'd rather have an equal one!!

I try not to put up with the controlling behaviour and confront him when he's trying it.. which ALWAYS leads to him getting upset/annoyed. It often feels like a power struggle which is just childish and tedious.

He then refuses to make up with me and insists that I make an effort to make up because 'he's bad at it'... nothing to do with his fucking pride I'm sure.

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment due to me sticking up for myself more regularly during the past few months. And I have being calling him out on his behaviour.

Maybe I'm the problem for being 'too stubborn' as he says. I genuinely don't know anymore!!

I feel like I'm dating an insecure 14 year old boy sometimes, not a 36 year old manConfused

Other times are fine, but this behaviour is ingrained in everyday life. We've had a good few happy years. No kids yet but talk of marriage. This is what has me thinking.

It's the same old story. He's older than me, intelligent, drinks slightly too much, and we started dating when I was fairly young.

Now I'm older and have developed some self respect I find myself getting irritated by his behaviour.

So is there such thing as an equal relationship without ridiculous power struggles??!

Please rant with me because I'm 3000 miles away from home and I've got nobody to rant to here Grin

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 07/04/2018 13:02

He not too keen on strong women/feminism

He says that he needs to be the dominant person in the relationship

I went back to read your OP again, after I read this bit, and confirmed that you are asking AIBU that he is like this, when you would prefer a more equal relationship. Now I am wondering what you are doing in a relationship with this pathetic-excuse-for-a-human-being who is quite open about not being sufficiently secure in himself, to risk an equal relationship.

Sorry, I don't understand what you are doing with someone like this. This is the argument for getting to know someone, before getting close to them. And dumping the no-hopers, he is a no-hoper

GoldfishCrackers · 07/04/2018 13:03

He's told you who he is. Believe him.

The minute the power balance shifts in his favour he will exploit that. So anything that makes it harder for you to leave him (financial commitments, marriage, children) or reliant on him, will make life worse for you.

And rumbling under the surface of all of that is that even now who you are (a strong woman) is something he dislikes. Not very good for your self-esteem.

myluckycharm · 07/04/2018 13:07

This man is neither alpha nor dominant.

He is a delusional, inadequate and belligerent fuckwit.

Original poster
Peanutbutternut · 07/04/2018 13:09

Sorry the internet here is crappy. We are fairly remote and in a different time zone. He's here now and having read a few responses I'm trying not to well up in front of him!

I will check back later when I have internet and am alone.

Thank you so much everybody for taking the time to post. Every single post I've read so far resonates with me so much.

OP posts:
morningconstitutional2017 · 07/04/2018 13:09

You need to get out of this 'relationship' before he grounds you down completely. You've been with him for a while and I suspect that you fear being alone - but that's better than being with a man/child/bully.

It is perfectly possible to have a good relationship with a good man - they do exist.

Tell this git to sling his hook and don't give him a backward glance. And don't listen to any more excuses, you've wasted enough time on this loser already. Be brave.

gluteustothemaximus · 07/04/2018 13:10

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment due to me sticking up for myself more regularly during the past few months. And I have being calling him out on his behaviour.

This is the key really.

Either you tow the line, and you might have an existence of some kind, but still a shit relationship (what with the eggshells).

Or you don't tow the line, and your relationship will be shit, but more obvious.

So same result really.

Don't have children. Don't get married.

Merryoldgoat · 07/04/2018 13:11

I’ve not RTFT but your partner sounds like a total arsehole. I am at a loss as to why you’d put up with it.

MrsA2015 · 07/04/2018 13:11

RUN.

Foxysoxy10 · 07/04/2018 13:12

I know there are always extenuating circumstances but I tend to think along the lines of, if he is older (30+) and single there is probably a reason for that.
Now it might be that he was unlucky and had a real shit dating time, got cheated on or more career minded etc but if there is a niggling feeling for you about control issues then that’s probably your answer.
(Basically he is a controlling, arrogant shit and you should LTB asap)

cantstandup · 07/04/2018 13:13

He sounds like a complete tool.

Why does he get to be himself but you can't be yourself?

Meckity1 · 07/04/2018 13:13

There's plenty of porn out there about breaking and training 'stubborn' women. Lots of stuff about trapping women with pregnancy on the internet - did you know that birth control pills loose efficacy if left on a hot radiator.

I suggest you either leave or learn your place in his world

ocelot41 · 07/04/2018 13:14

Oh love, this must be so hard for you. Wouldn't it be nice to have a partner who cheers you on when you show strength and are successful though? It's time to go isn't it? Do you have any friends close by?

MadameJosephine · 07/04/2018 13:14

Why are you with this man, you are clearly not right for each other. Walk away

Inertia · 07/04/2018 13:15

He bullies you to cover up his own inadequacies.

Equal partnerships are certainly possible. It won’t be possible for you with him.

Get out now while you still have time. It’d be a hell of a lot harder to escape after marriage and children.

MadameJosephine · 07/04/2018 13:17

.

"I just want you to be submissive sometimes"
rocketgirl22 · 07/04/2018 13:32

Finish it whilst you still have the energy.

He will not improve, things are likely to get worse over time and he has not the slightest idea how to be a mature man with a sensible outlook, there is no future whatsoever in this relationship.

GirlsBlouse17 · 07/04/2018 13:32

He sounds really unpleasant OP. Thank goodness you don't have kids. Get out of this relationship OP. If you stay in it, over time it will wear you down and you will tire of sticking up for yourself and gradually you will just go along with what he wants and will spend your life treading on egg shells afraid of upsetting him. For the sake of peace you will avoid inflaming situations and will become compliant. You have a chance now to get out of this toxic relationship, so take it before it's too late. Be free to find someone who will treat you with respect and to have an equal relationship with, someone who is mature, kind, thoughtful and not full of issues.

TammyWhyNot · 07/04/2018 13:38

The biggest red flag is that he will never be the one to make up. It isn’t pride, it’s control, and possibly emotional abuse.

BrendasUmbrella · 07/04/2018 13:39

I see no point in continuing a relationship with someone who has profound disrespect for you and for your sex in general.

Camdenlife33 · 07/04/2018 13:39

Why are you with him?

deadringer · 07/04/2018 13:47

You said it yourself op you are incompatible. It worked at first because you were young and pliable and allowed him to take the lead. You have matured and can now see him for the selfish controlling man that he is. You need to leave and find someone who treats you as an equal, this man never will.

StuckSoutherner · 07/04/2018 14:09

Don't make the mistake I did. I married a man just like this and now stick with it because of our child. Your married life will be miserable. Get out while you can x

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 07/04/2018 14:12

I got as far as the fourth paragraph of your first post.

Run like fuck.

DairyisClosed · 07/04/2018 14:15

I would be strongly tempted to say "Yeah, me too. I actually prefer a relationship where I can be submissive but I need a proper strong and capable type of man to do that. Otherwise a feel like an idiot putting on a fake submissive act for a weakling." and then I would leave him obviously.

harshbuttrue1980 · 07/04/2018 14:19

Equality is certainly possible. However, did you start out liking his dominance? For example, did he sweep you off your feet, taking you on surprise trips, buying you things and paying for everything? A lot of younger women who go for older men like that aspect of it (Trump and Melania etc). If that's the case, then you've helped to create the problem, and would need to become more independent.

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