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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I just want you to be submissive sometimes"

246 replies

Peanutbutternut · 07/04/2018 10:50

AIBU or has my DP lost the plot!?!

Maybe I am BU but he's really fucked me off with this comment.

Sorry I need to rant Grin (Please excuse my language)

DP has always tried to be controlling with me. It's an endless string of behaviours over the years but the general consensus is that he is often selfish, it's 'his way or the highway', ignores any suggestions I make, has to be in charge, interrupts me constantly etc. I'm sure he probably was like it in previous relationships (and probably got away with it). He's similar with his parents too.

For example today we were looking for a certain building. I found and pointed out the building to him (which was clearly visible) He completely ignored me and asked a man in the street where the building was. Leaving me a bit Angry I point out his behaviour and he says "Oh well, I would have asked him anyway".

He not too keen on strong women/feminism etc which really pisses me off and I think is an outdated fucking moron opinion.

I'd say I'm fairly tough/will stand up for myself and I think this is the problem. I think ultimately we're incompatible.

The thing is that he completely acknowledges that he's controlling, but insists that there's nothing wrong with it and that I should "just be submissive sometimes". He insists that it's just his personality.

He says that he needs to be the dominant person in the relationship because they are all dominant/submissive under the surface. He doesn't acknowledge that he is the fucking problem!

Maybe a lot of relationships ARE like that but I'd rather have an equal one!!

I try not to put up with the controlling behaviour and confront him when he's trying it.. which ALWAYS leads to him getting upset/annoyed. It often feels like a power struggle which is just childish and tedious.

He then refuses to make up with me and insists that I make an effort to make up because 'he's bad at it'... nothing to do with his fucking pride I'm sure.

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment due to me sticking up for myself more regularly during the past few months. And I have being calling him out on his behaviour.

Maybe I'm the problem for being 'too stubborn' as he says. I genuinely don't know anymore!!

I feel like I'm dating an insecure 14 year old boy sometimes, not a 36 year old manConfused

Other times are fine, but this behaviour is ingrained in everyday life. We've had a good few happy years. No kids yet but talk of marriage. This is what has me thinking.

It's the same old story. He's older than me, intelligent, drinks slightly too much, and we started dating when I was fairly young.

Now I'm older and have developed some self respect I find myself getting irritated by his behaviour.

So is there such thing as an equal relationship without ridiculous power struggles??!

Please rant with me because I'm 3000 miles away from home and I've got nobody to rant to here Grin

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 07/04/2018 20:21

Stay resolute op. I wish dsis would, 20 years and one child down the line. Men like that don't change for the better, they get worse.

mathanxiety · 07/04/2018 20:22

The building thing is an example of 'crazy making'. It is indeed baffling, and maddening.

UpOver · 07/04/2018 20:22

So your were 18 and he was about 30 when you met. You’ve now matured and are now seeing him for what he is.

Time to leave. You are wasting your life with him.

HappyFeet1212 · 07/04/2018 20:23

I certainly found my voice, my independence at about the age you are now. It meant that I put my happiness a little higher on the list & left my husband, luckily no kids.
I went on to have a relationship with someone who sounds similar to your partner. They have an inflated sense of themselves, they think they are better than you.
Be careful when you plan your escape, this type of personality will not be able to believe that you, little ole you, could leave them. Make sure you are living somewhere safe that they cannot gain access to.
My ex, from a perfectly respectable family, public school educated, professional job, gained access to my building on several occasions & tried to force his way in to my flat. For what reason, I have no idea. I don't think he could handle the fact that it was up to me whether I spoke to him or not. So ultimately control.

Take the wheel my friend and get the fuck out of dodge.

I have a really lovely, kind & caring husband now. Choosing the wrong ones helps you choose the good ones.

picklemepopcorn · 07/04/2018 20:27

Please be really careful when you leave. Things can escalate quite fast, and he won't like it. Don't assume anything, if he looks like he's going to get aggressive, assume he is and get out.

AdoraBell · 07/04/2018 20:31

Hang on to that feeling Peanut but don’t tell him he’s dumped until you have your ducks in a row and a safe place to go.

FaultySpice · 07/04/2018 20:39

I've been in a 'my way or the highway' relationship. He will try to make it as difficult as possible when you try to leave. He will guilt-trip, manipulate and pile on the pressure in an attempt to grind you down enough that you give up and stay. This is because he does not see you as an autonomous person, who is entitled to make decisions about her own life, but as his possession. Make sure you have an iron-clad escape plan and go. Good luck OP.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 07/04/2018 20:49

I got out of a relationship last year, after a very long ( 3 decades) time. Our DCs are dealing with mental health issues, and I suffer anxiety. I put this down to him. He liked being in charge, he effectively made all the decisions (although he paid lip service to asking my opinions, he never actually agreed with anything I said), we were walking on eggshells, and there was so much else. We are all getting on better without Ex, addressing our mental health and getting stronger. In fact, I may even look at dating soon, I've been working hard on my boundaries and have finally realised I'm strong enough to be on my own.

Please, don't fall into this trap. I also was young when I met Ex, and really naive. I really wish that I knew then what I know now.

spacecadet48 · 07/04/2018 20:59

butter you are a young woman. This is a time in your life to be having fun and not be brow beaten by a dominant control freak. As others have said it will just get worse and once a child is involved I have no doubt it will get worse. Take some time to truly think whether you are happy and if this is what you want for your life. Then plan your exit .....

Slat3 · 07/04/2018 21:00

Sounds similar. I’m 24 with 2 under 2, thank god you didn’t have kids with him like me. Get out now x

SeaEagleFeather · 07/04/2018 21:15

When I was 18 I went out with a 35 year old man

I know, I know.

Except that when I broke it off, he left me more able to think for myself, with a sense of having been truly loved even if we weren't compatible long term, and with a wider knowledge of the world. He gave me the tools to think for myself.

He challenged me, was patient with me, told me when I was genuinely wrong and hugged me after. I'm a much better person for having known him and 25 years on (omg 25!) we are still good friends. I respect him even though he's not perfect and I'm grateful for having known him. Kinda glad that I ended it at the point we could still remain friends, too, once a couple of years had passed.

THIS is what a good relationship with an older man should be like. Your man's not going to leave you in a good state; the best that can be said is that you'll know what the hell to avoid in future.

Be strong, be feisty, wipe him off your feet.

StylishMummy · 07/04/2018 21:19

My relationship is 50/50 even split, all decisions rationally discussed and course of action agreed. Wouldn't have it any other way!

Dangerousmonkey · 07/04/2018 21:30

Look him directly in the eye tell him you're after a mature confident man who can have a real partnership not a whinging toddler looking for a blanket and walk calmly out of his life.

littlebillie · 07/04/2018 21:41

Sorry 💐 but this isn't normal this is just spoilt behaviour and you tolerating it is enabling him to think this is normal

littlebillie · 07/04/2018 21:46

Good luck there are some lovely kind men out there who will love and respect you

placebobebo · 07/04/2018 22:02

Leave. You've wasted enough time on this one.
He has told you he wants you to take a backseat in the relationship and your future in general. Someone like that will soon start looking for the weak link every time life doesn't go their way, that weak link will be you because you weren't submissive enough, or polite enough, or tried hard enough.
You can tell from your posts this is draining you, imagine how much more it will drain you as it continues and as your lives become more enmeshed. Life will either become a battle ground for you to maintain your independence or you will become a scapegoat if you submit.

SickofThomasTheTank · 08/04/2018 12:34

How are you doing @Peanutbutternut ?? X

pompomcat · 08/04/2018 13:28

OP this sounds like a massive dealbreaker. There are some things that you can or should gloss over in a relationship (after all nobody is perfect) but that behaviour sounds hideous and inexcusable.
As pp have said: run far far away before you get engaged/married/have DC-it will just get worse.

SickofThomasTheTank · 08/04/2018 22:45

@Peanutbutternut I'm probably being daft, but I'm a little worried... (if my controlling m, psycho ex is anything to go by) Really hope you're ok, and just sorting things... xx

Original poster
Peanutbutternut · 09/04/2018 05:23

I'm fine, I'm sorry for worrying you Thomas!!

The internet is very intermittent here (combined with power cuts!) and often only lasts a few minutes at at time. We are quite remote!

I'm still feeling strong and have started planning my exit. I've also spoken to my mum about it so there's no turning back now Grin

I think that comment was the final straw for me the other day, and I feel very differently/cold towards him now. The feeling you get when you know you're done. I'm glad I've finally reached that point!

We're here for a little while longer but I'm sorting out accommodation and things for when we get back.

Thank you to everybody who has taken the time to reply and has given me strength. The power of mumsnet strikes again! God I love this siteGrin

OP posts:
Treehugging · 09/04/2018 05:39

I really don’t think it would be a good idea to choose this man as the father of your children. You’d be storing up a lot of problems.

leighdinglady · 09/04/2018 05:55

My very first LTB. He will only get worse as he gets older and it will destroy you. Imagine if you had children with him. What sort of example would he be? Dominating over them too? Or raising sexist pigs of boys and down trodden little girls.

There's no place in this world for his sort of sexist bullshit

picklemepopcorn · 09/04/2018 07:17

Well done peanut! ThanksThanks

TammyWhyNot · 09/04/2018 07:27

Oh, well done Peanut, the relief will be immense.
The future is yours.

NoSquirrels · 09/04/2018 08:27

Well done peanut - and I misread your age, which I’m happy to hear because you are younger than I thought and the perfect age to be single and not settling for any man who’s not a genuine match fur your personality and an equal partner fur your life. I’m also going to bet your mum is relieved. Stay strong Flowers

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