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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I just want you to be submissive sometimes"

246 replies

Peanutbutternut · 07/04/2018 10:50

AIBU or has my DP lost the plot!?!

Maybe I am BU but he's really fucked me off with this comment.

Sorry I need to rant Grin (Please excuse my language)

DP has always tried to be controlling with me. It's an endless string of behaviours over the years but the general consensus is that he is often selfish, it's 'his way or the highway', ignores any suggestions I make, has to be in charge, interrupts me constantly etc. I'm sure he probably was like it in previous relationships (and probably got away with it). He's similar with his parents too.

For example today we were looking for a certain building. I found and pointed out the building to him (which was clearly visible) He completely ignored me and asked a man in the street where the building was. Leaving me a bit Angry I point out his behaviour and he says "Oh well, I would have asked him anyway".

He not too keen on strong women/feminism etc which really pisses me off and I think is an outdated fucking moron opinion.

I'd say I'm fairly tough/will stand up for myself and I think this is the problem. I think ultimately we're incompatible.

The thing is that he completely acknowledges that he's controlling, but insists that there's nothing wrong with it and that I should "just be submissive sometimes". He insists that it's just his personality.

He says that he needs to be the dominant person in the relationship because they are all dominant/submissive under the surface. He doesn't acknowledge that he is the fucking problem!

Maybe a lot of relationships ARE like that but I'd rather have an equal one!!

I try not to put up with the controlling behaviour and confront him when he's trying it.. which ALWAYS leads to him getting upset/annoyed. It often feels like a power struggle which is just childish and tedious.

He then refuses to make up with me and insists that I make an effort to make up because 'he's bad at it'... nothing to do with his fucking pride I'm sure.

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment due to me sticking up for myself more regularly during the past few months. And I have being calling him out on his behaviour.

Maybe I'm the problem for being 'too stubborn' as he says. I genuinely don't know anymore!!

I feel like I'm dating an insecure 14 year old boy sometimes, not a 36 year old manConfused

Other times are fine, but this behaviour is ingrained in everyday life. We've had a good few happy years. No kids yet but talk of marriage. This is what has me thinking.

It's the same old story. He's older than me, intelligent, drinks slightly too much, and we started dating when I was fairly young.

Now I'm older and have developed some self respect I find myself getting irritated by his behaviour.

So is there such thing as an equal relationship without ridiculous power struggles??!

Please rant with me because I'm 3000 miles away from home and I've got nobody to rant to here Grin

OP posts:
forgettingnames · 07/04/2018 11:01

Definitely leave him. I have been crying this morning after yet another pointless row with my husband who refuses to in any way acknowledge my point of view and refuses to acknowledge that he isn't acknowledging it.
I spend my life in hatred, bitterness and resentment. Hatred of him and of myself for tying my life to the such a defective human being.
Don't become me. Don't stay with him. You can't be happy in such a relationship. Leave. Leave. Leave.

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2018 11:02

He sounds exhausting and unpleasant.

You're with him, why?

seethesunaftersnow · 07/04/2018 11:02

Run for the hills.

gamerchick · 07/04/2018 11:03

Don’t marry or have kids with him. His type of personality will always seek out the more pliable woman. There’s a good chance he’ll leave you at some point when that type of person pops up. I had a friend who had a string of young girlfriends he would get rid of when they got a mind of their own and started answering back. It never ends well.

Just be thankful you haven’t started the baby thing yet.

forgettingnames · 07/04/2018 11:04

ps we had happy times too. Maybe it was a reluctance to let go of that happiness that led me to stay with him. But I am never happy now. not in any part of my life. Its corroded everything. Seriously, you need to leave.

Battleax · 07/04/2018 11:04

This is a really easy LTB.

Why haven’t you Led TB already? He sounds unbearable.

ClemDanfango · 07/04/2018 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BOO32 · 07/04/2018 11:04

I used to be in a relationship with someone like this. My advice, get out now! It destroyed my confidence, it gets much worse once you have kids. I am now in an equal relationship and it is so much better.

64BooLane · 07/04/2018 11:04

I really, really empathise. I dated someone very, very like this for a while. It could almost be the same man.

I then had a long relationship/two children with exDP (we are still v good friends) which was very equal, and am now with current DP who is also absolutely never controlling in any way. He’s not submissive either, it’s just mutually respectful and great.

When I think back to the relationship with the controlling, unable-to-apologise, I’d-prefer-you-not-to-discuss-feminism man, I feel like I had such a lucky escape. Having a family with him (not that I actually considered doing that) would have been a huge error and IMO a recipe for constant discord and unhappy, confused children.

Just my experience and I shouldn’t project it onto anyone else, but I hate to imagine any other woman struggling with that day to day! It is exhausting apart from anything else.

colditz · 07/04/2018 11:05

how utterly tiresome for you

No, most relationships aren't like this. Most men aren't so roaringly insecure that they need their little woman to submit to make their penis feel better.

He's not going to change though, because people don't. You're going to have to split up if you don't want to be handling this nonsense forever

SleepFreeZone · 07/04/2018 11:05

If you have children with him you will be stuck with most of the slog and he’ll LOVE the fact you I’ll have most likely lost your freedom and your earning power. He will have you exactly where he wants you.

MiddleAgedMe · 07/04/2018 11:06

He sounds awful :( I feel for you OP

MrsHathaway · 07/04/2018 11:06

"Ultimately we're incompatible".

You said this early in your OP and I applaud you for your calm self-awareness.

Changing your (expression of your) fundamental self for a relationship never works. Recognising that you are not what he wants and vice versa before marriage, children, etc is PERFECT TIMING and you can both walk away blameless.

I mean, refusing to accept your advice/opinion simply because it's yours is clearly a dick move but we're talking about official relationship status stuff.

I think there can be successful relationships where one partner wants to be cared for and one wants to do the caring (deliberately neutral language) but they only work because of the good fit, like a jigsaw puzzle. They aren't necessarily healthy partnerships and may fail if one partner's wishes change over time, but if they develop together and remain a good fit then great.

Good luck with your future finding the right shaped piece for the puzzle we call life.

TammyWhyNot · 07/04/2018 11:06

“He insists that it's just his personality. “

Well yes, it would seem it IS his personality. So he isn’t going to change, he doesn’t want to change, he doesn’t believe in equality.

If you marry or have children he will get worse. Because he will believe he has you legally bagged, and because even at the best of times parenthood and motherhood amplify gender roles and expectations.

You owe yourself better. He cares about himself, not you.

OldBandTeeShirt · 07/04/2018 11:06

Why on earth are you still with this dinosaur now that you are old enough to know better, OP? I appreciate that you've been with him since you were young (and as you mention 3000 miles from home, did you move abroad with him, possibly to his home country?) but clearly as you grow in confidence, he's more insistent on wanting submission -- you can see exactly where this is going. He's a misogynistic idiot who wants an ickle girl he can boss about. You are belatedly realising that this is not an inevitable component of a relationship. The path ahead is clear. You'd be mad to marry him or have a child with him.

DH and I have been together for 26 years, since we were teenagers. There has never been a power struggle, or anything like it in our relationship. We may intermittently disagree and drive one another crazy, but there has never been any sense of inequality.

YOU are not the problem. Good luck, OP.

LaContessaDiPlump · 07/04/2018 11:06

This will not get better when you are pregnant and vulnerable.

maxthemartian · 07/04/2018 11:07

Run away, OP, run far away.
And feel very very grateful that you've not yet had children with him.

Lostin3dspace · 07/04/2018 11:07

Now, I think this issue is a good chunk of what ended my marriage...except my power struggles were more passive aggressive, not overt like you describe.
In the last couple of years, I stopped being such a doormat, and stood up for myself, but...passive aggressively, as of course there had been virtually no overt conflict.
I treated him the way in which he had been treating me for years. Let's face it, he was a master of not communicating, withholding information, and passive aggression generally, so there was little point trying to have an adult conversation. For him, an adult conversation was just another opportunity to twist things around and blame me.

Wish the marriage had ended ten years earlier.

Good Luck OP!

BarbarianMum · 07/04/2018 11:07

Why are you even with this twat? Let alone contemplating marriage? He's not going to get any better, but you'll find him increasingly pathetic and annoying. And children! Yes he'll love it when he cant boss them about and they develop their own opinions. And you in the middle playing referee.

You are describing my parents marriage. It did not.end.well. Run for it and double up on contraception in the meantime.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 07/04/2018 11:08

I must admit I don't know how anyone gets together with someone like this in the first place.

you need to leave - unless you are actually the type who wants to be told what to do all the time, they do exist, but you wouldn't be posting this if you were one?

brogueish · 07/04/2018 11:08

Why are you still with him?

OrlandaFuriosa · 07/04/2018 11:08

Get out now.

He will find it impossible to be second fiddle to any child, which he will have to be when they are little. His traits such as drinking and unreasonableness will increase.

Do not assume you can alter him, it’s not your business to do so and only he can do so.

He will become more entrenched as he gets older.

Cupoteap · 07/04/2018 11:09

This is never going to work

Sparkletastic · 07/04/2018 11:10

I suspect he will only get worse. You getting pregnant would put you in a very vulnerable position. If I were you I would cut my losses and move on.

pieceofpurplesky · 07/04/2018 11:10

How long have you been together?

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