to not want to be a mum?

[Purplerain101]

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

Only you can answer that question. I think it's great that you and your partner have duscussed it openly and both feel the same. You are early 30s still young leave it for now and maybe reevaluate in a couple of years. You and your partner may never feel the urge to have children and that is fine. If you never want them I'm not sure how you'd ever regret having them

*not having them

@dulra I’m just worried that I might be feeling like I never want them NOW, but when I get past the age that I can do it I might feel differently when I see everyone else around me with their families. I guess there’s no point dwelling on “what ifs” fhough and to just go with the way I feel in the present moment

It's not something anyone can tell you. You don't need to read mn responses to know that there ARE childless pensioners that regret having no dc and that there ARE childless pensioners that have no regrets at all.

I have to be very honest and say when friends of mine say they don't want childreI have quite a visceral reaction to it - I feel very sad for them. I know that makes no sense and normally I am very accepting of other people's choices, but with this one it makes me feel awful for them.

To be clear, I never ever say anything about it unless I'm directly asked. Seeing as you directly asked, I'll say yes I don't know if you'll regret not having children but IMO anyone who doesn't want them has for some reason ended up in a place where they are unable to access the true joy of life.

I know I sound like a nutter to say that, but it's how I feel.

I don’t have kids and don’t regret it one bit! With my current partner, I told him upfront that I didn’t want kids and that if he wanted them, then we should just stop before getting serious. His response was, “Your body, your choice.” He didn’t care either way. A couple years after that we were sitting in his back garden and heard one of the neighbour kids shrieking and he said, “You know, I’m really starting to come around to your way of thinking.” 😂

Fast forward to sometime last year when we were going through a really hectic and stressful part of our lives and he said, “How TF would we even manage this with kids?! I can barely get my own self through the day, not even imagining how to deal with a small child to keep alive.”

NO REGRETS.

Perfectly normal. I know people who chose not to and are now in their 50s comfortably off with a nice lifestyle travelling a lot and spending money on their homes.

I also know somebody who said this and changed her mind when she was 38 and now has a little girl. You’ve got loads of time.

If you’re ambivalent though I often think it’s best not to. Because it is a human life and I don’t think it’s fair to bring a child into the world when there is a strong possibility they will be resented or have uninterested parents.

You can’t second-guess what you might feel like in thirty or forty years. And having a child you don’t currently want in case you might be sorry you didn’t after menopause makes no sense. Any decision you make closes down possibilities. I think that whether or not to have a child when you’re ambivalent is one of the last great ‘all or nothing’ decisions, because, unless you adopt or successfully freeze eggs etc, it is time-sensitive. You can’t put it off beyond a certain point, and you either do it or you don’t — you can’t slightly have a child.

Having kids is incredibly hard. Yes there are lovely times too but it's not something to do unless you feel it right and have a strong desire to have a family of your own.

I never wanted children and no regrets. I’m 47 and love my life with my DH. I do have a lot of childless friends and the ones with children their children are now older so we don’t really have many children in our lives it’s not an issue at all for me.

IMO anyone who doesn't want them has for some reason ended up in a place where they are unable to access the true joy of life.

And I think anybody who thinks that has an extremely limited imagination and probably hasn’t actually experienced much of life if they think joy is only found in children. And I say that as a mother of three.

Honestly, statements like that are so trite they make me want to vomit. I’ve got childless friends who have done amazing things and achieved massively and I find it quite offensive if people suggest their lives are somehow without joy.

If your view of life is really that myopic and stilted that you can’t imagine other people find true joy in different things from you I feel very, very sorry for you.

Always liked this one...

You are doing the right thing in not having them, I 100% wanted children and love mine to bits but parenting is utterly relentless sometimes and I would never advise having kids just in case you might regret it! Several of my friends are childless by choice and have lovely lives, stick to your guns

I knew I'd get responses like yours mightymucks. It still doesn't change how I feel.

I never wanted kids and have had no biological urge to have one. Mid 40s and peri menopausal now.

There was a phone in about this on Matthew Wright recently, I can't remember the stats but there's a big increase in women who decide to remain childless.

People on here can only give you their experiences and not tell you if you'll regret it or not, it's a gamble you take, it's pointless trying to imagine how you'll feel as until you have your own baby you'll never know if you'll feel the primal love or not.

All you can do is be prepared for potential regret and acknowledge that it's part of life and no point in dwelling on it as there's nothing that can change it.

I have a Sister who has chosen not to. Totally her choice, totally none of anyone's business. When we're at parties and weddings family members often tackle the 'issue' with her and our other Sister and I have reached a point where we're quite blunt when defending her now.

It's frustrating that a certain proportion of society feels that unless a woman becomes a Mother she's missing out or unfulfilled. It's entirely possible to live the happiest of lives without children. My Sister loves my DC, they love her. But she lives an incredible life without them and openly admits that the full-time grind of parenting is her idea of hell. Far better to be honest with yourself than to have a child to tick someone else's box.

Hormones are funny, unfortunately they might make you wish when you are 50 that you had children. However it's not a good enough reason to have them. If you don't want them and you are both in agreement, then brilliant because sometimes one person is less parental than the other, you are lucky that you both feel the same way. There is no mandate stating you must have kids, I love my DS but I always wanted him no one can predict the future but you know yourself.

Having children in case you regret it if you don’t is a truly bonkers reason to have them IMO.

I did want them but couldn’t. However I am at peace with it now and love my life with DH.

I know lots of people who enjoy travel and who have gained huge joy from seeing different places. I don't enjoy travel much at all. I know lots of those people struggle to understand that and see me as missing out. My feelings about children are no different IMO.

I have 2 little nieces and a nephew who I dote on and spend a lot of time with. But the relief of being able to hand them back to my sister is huge after spending a full day with them. My OH and I did a personality test once and we both had the same results (the most rare personality type in the world with only 2% of the population having it). Apparently we are the least maternal/paternal sorts of people.

The idea of being 'maternal' is total bollocks IMO. Unfortunately you have no idea what kind of parent you'll be till you have one. I worry that a lot of younger people seem to think they have to take some sort of test and 'qualify' for parenthood. You don't. It is an unknown, for everyone.

I agree with Mighty. I had my only child at almost 40, so have spent far more of my life as a non-parent than as a parent, and dealt all the time with peoples ridiculously offensive assumptions about why I didn’t want to have children. I’m delighted I had my lovely DS, now six, but he didn’t ‘bring meaning to my life’ — it always had meaning. I might suggest in response to attitudes like Spaghetti’s that if having your children is all that brings joy and/or meaning to your life, then you were doing it wrong before.

I am a mother now, obviously, but am aware that I would have had a differently good life if I hadn’t chosen to have him.

At the risk of sounding patronising you might change your mind. Equally, you might not.

Children aren't the be all of everything. They aren't everyone's 'life' purpose and many women regret having children - but that's a taboo subject that can't really be openly spoken about.

In my view; it's better not to have them and regret not having them when it's too late, than it is to have them 'just in case' you do want them thus ending up with a resentful and strained family relationship.

I never said anything about children bringing meaning OldB.