to not want to be a mum?

[Purplerain101]

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

OP, I have children whom I adore. I would literally die for them.

However, I know I would have been happy being childless. I never wanted kids. I didn’t stick to my guns.

I can’t say if I could go back in time I’d change my mind, because I have and know my kids now and could never be without them!

But if I wasn’t going to get my exact kids again, then yeah I’d say no thanks! My nephew, for example, is an little shit but I’m sure my sister wouldn’t trade him in for two holidays a year or whatever!

Totally normal. I love my baby but has she changed things? Of course. I have to make sure one of the mum's can babysit so I can do the things I have always done (gym, nails, hair, general free time) - and not everyone has the pleasure of having free and readily available childcare. I love her, but I've lost freedom and being carefree. Don't do it unless you're sure those are sacrifices you are prepared to make.

@Flutterbyeee Why would anyone want to 'battle' you? Surely the site being used by non-parents doesn't affect you one way or the other.

I agree with pp saying only you can make the decision and decide what is right for you right now - it’s not ‘right’ to have a child because of potential future regrets but I can see how that might be an influencing factor.

If it helps in your thought processes, consider this. I have always wanted babies, my first memory is of wanting to ‘take’ someone else’s baby (at age 5/6) just because I so viscerally wanted them, and have been powerfully broody for most of my life even before puberty. I’ve always been desperate to be pregnant and have babies. I have never felt more ‘me’ than when pregnant. I still feel massively broody pretty much all the time, love other people’s babies etc. That said, I find parenthood very very hard. My standards are far too high, I don’t deal well with sleep deprivation, I don’t like that what children do and how they develop is ultimately out of my control and can’t be tempered with a list or a plan of action. I hate that there is no actual solution to the childhood pinch points of sleeping through, being dry at night, eating the right stuff, friendship issues and so on. It’s is wonderfully rewarding in many ways but it’s truly a labour of love.

I say this only because I have the deepest desire for kids and yet found parenthood surprisingly hard. Rewarding for sure, but hard work. I can’t imagine how I would have felt or reacted at those pinch points if my desire for children had been equivocal.

My advice would be to trust your judgement.

"For parents by parents".

Where does it say "non-parents keep off"?

No one can tell you if you would regret not having children but surely regretting not having them is far better than having them and regretting it?

There are many women (and men) who regret having children. There are quite a few posts on here mums net that prove that plus there are websites/forums for people that regret it and they have many many members and posts.

To say no one regrets having children is absolute rubbish. Not all children are loved are they? If they were there would not be the abuse and even, sometimes, murders of children would there?

Me and DH were early 20's when we got married. We talked at length about having children. We both like children and I had always said I wanted them. When it came down to it though we decided not to have any. There were many reasons.

We are both now in our 60's and we have no regrets. In fact as time has gone by we have both been even more convinced we made the right decision.

We have nieces and nephews that we adore. We see them quite a lot and when they are younger they would often come and stay with us for weekends. We would baby sit often too.

I'll be honest, when we looked after our nieces and nephews I would occasionally have the thought that it would have been nice to have our own children. That thought though never last very long and as much as I loved having them I was quite happy when they went home.

We worry about our nieces and nephews futures (well all young people really). Lack of jobs, unaffordable housing. crime etc. We are glad we didn't bring children into what we see as a pretty horrible world plus not contributing to overpopulation.

I do very occasionally worry about what might happen if I or both of us live to be very old. My parents are in their 90's and we help them a lot with things like housework, house maintenance, shopping etc. I am a worrier though and none of us know what might happen. I might not live to be 90 or I might be fit and healthy if I do.

You can have children and still end up alone when old. Children can move abroad, fall out with you or even die before you. I know someone who is in their 90's who had 4 children - they have all died

Read the title. Mumsnet - a site for parents by parents.

Suggest you put a bit more thought into your online choices.

I think it's great that you are brave enough to say ' no it's not for me'. Too many people find out too late that they are not suited for parenthood.you don't have to have kids and you can live a full and happy life without them. Kids aren't something you do be half hearted about.

Coming into mid thirties now and I've never had a flicker of broodiness. The opposite really. I think having a child would ruin my life at present and make the life I want in the future an impossibility.

Like you, I wonder if I'll regret it when I'm old. But objectively- that's a really shit reason to make a person. And there are a lot of variables in that scenario too. Some of us won't live to be old and some of us will be rock climbing at 90.

I can't imagine being tied to a child. And it wouldn't be fair to it either to be a bit unconsciously resented.

Oh Flutter, I'm afraid you're pissing into the wind there. Be careful that too much doesn't splash back on you. 😉

So this has turned into a rant about why people don't want children. It is bizarre.

I forgot to say, I know quite a lot of couples who chose not to have children and, as far as I know, none of them regret it.

I also know many couples with children and quite a few of them have told me that although they love their children if they could go back in time they would chose not to have any.

Also a lot of my divorced friends say problems in their marriage started when they had children and they feel their marriages would have survived if they had not had any

Bimballo - if you have a point to make then make it. Your pathetic attempt at humour loses my respect.

I always knew I wanted to have kids dp wasn't keen he loves having them now and wouldn't change anything he even would consider a third while I would run for the hills at the idea of a third but I think had he have met a woman who didn't want children he would have been perfectly happy without them.

It's such a personal thing and really you don't know what kind of parent you will be until you are one. Plenty of people have children and regret it or abandon their family its not unheard of it's sadly common. I know a woman who waited 10 years desperatly wanting a baby and now she says she honestly wishes she never had one works 50 hout weeks to avoid being at home and can't wait until her daughtet is an adult as she feels she will connect with her them its very sad to watch.

I knew I didn’t want to be a parent when I was 20. People said “you’ll feel differently when you’re older “.

I didn’t.

“You’ll change your mind when you meet the right person”.

I didn’t.

“Wait till your body clock starts ticking”.

It didn’t.

OP, you are perfectly entitled to not want kids. Being a parent is a lifestyle choice and it isn’t for everyone. If, deep down, you know it isn’t for you, then you won’t regret it.

I don’t.

Good luck with whatever decisions you make.

@serendippitty lol. Copying and pasting sections to distract from the overall message is not very helpful to the conversation.
You can split hairs if you choose. I in no way meant people who regretted having children were 'not normal' I meant that it's not 'the norm' to regret having them. Overall the majority of people who do have kids do not end up bitterly regretting them, that's not me saying people aren't normal (who is normal? And what is normal anyway) but overall the love for a child will mean that even if you think life would have been easier you don't regret that human in your life. Yes there are a few exceptions.
Just like when people choose not to have them, there are a few who will feel sad, it's is more likely 'the norm' to feel at peace with your decision.
I certainly don't have preconceived ideas about how people should feel about the topic of having children. Everyone is so different and hormones have a huge role to play. One of my closest friends had not got a maternal bone in her body.

It’s totally OK to not want kids. Humans are not an endangered species. If we were huddled in a post apocalyptic bunker after the decimation of the species you might BU, but since we aren’t ...

If you don’t want them, don’t have them. Every child deserves to be born into a family who want them. There’s nothing wrong or selfish about remaining childfree.

You can’t tell how you’d feel in twenty years time anyway so that’s no reason to have children.

@Flutterbyeee - Mumsnet is a bit like the Carphone Warehouse - it's grown way beyond its original starting point... can't you understand that?

MumofKids - people don't go around saying they regret having children because 1. It's a mahoosive taboo, and 2. It's incredibly hurtful and damaging to their children if they find out that's what their parent feels.

Flutter you're an odd, angry little thing aren't you? It's beyond me why you'd think anyone would want your respect!

Read the title. Mumsnet - a site for parents by parents.

Suggest you put a bit more thought into your online choices.

Flutter, did someone give you a plastic sheriff's badge and tell you to patrol the internet, making sure that Non Parents don't stray into Parents' Places?

If it did nothing else, I think that a forum like Mn (even with all its problems at the moment with tabloids using threads as faux-journalism etc) does a valuable service in allowing people to have frank, anonymous conversations about 'taboo' subjects, like regretting having had children, or being able to explore whether to have them or not, in a generally non-judgemental, open atmosphere.

I was a contentedly childfree person for far longer than I have been a parent, and while I only joined Mn when I was pregnant (and had valuable, well-informed advice on birth options on the pregnancy forum), and I am delighted that there are so many people who aren't parents on here.

I love children and ideally I'd have 2dc one day, but I can 100% understand why people decide to have none.

I don't agree with the "nobody regrets a baby" parade that always come on these threads. Many people regret having children, it's just a very taboo subject that people, understandably, don't feel comfortable talking.

talking about*

Mn needs an edit button.

anyone who doesn't want them has for some reason ended up in a place where they are unable to access the true joy of life.

How absolutely bizarre and batshit

I’m 52. post hysterectomy and very happily childfree (also happily married for more than 30 years)

I don’t understand why people would feel sorry for me, what does it even have to do with them? Keep your patronising pity for someone who needs (or wants) it

@Flutterbyeee why are you on the thread? That’s a genuine question. You pop up on these threads and seem to take it personally that people don’t want or like children.

I’m not sure if you’re just being a goady fucker, or if it really bothers you as much as it seems. And if it bothers you, why? It has no impact on you whatsoever.