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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be a mum?

347 replies

Purplerain101 · 07/04/2018 08:58

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

OP posts:
SaucyJane · 07/04/2018 10:21

YANBU to want kids or not to want kids. It’s your life and choosing to be a parent or to remain childfree is totally up to you. You can have a brilliant life both ways.

As for how you’ll know which is the right decision for you - that’s a very different question as it’s so personal to you and your partner. It’s one that you need to think carefully about both ways.

You could try some fertility testing to give you an idea of whether it’s likely to be possible for you and how long you have to think about it?

Gwenhwyfar · 07/04/2018 10:21

Mightymucks - I don't see the relevance of listing a whole load of famous women who've accomplished great things.
According to that logic, the rest of us should have children. Nobody will remember me when I'm dead, but is that a problem?

HadronCollider · 07/04/2018 10:24

HesterShaw I think the grand children thing is another taboo women don't talk about. I honestly couldn't give a toss (right now) if I never become a GP. The thought is totally unappealing. I dont think I want to be looking after kids when I'm older. I wonder if there are GP out there who really aren't in love with the idea either? (sorry not meaning to undermine your feelings which are valid, just a point I wanted to make)

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 07/04/2018 10:24

IMO anyone who doesn't want them has for some reason ended up in a place where they are unable to access the true joy of life

What a load of utter bollocks. I adore my DC but this just makes no sense. Who are you to say what "the true joy of life" actually is? For some people it might be raising children, for others it might be finding fulfillment through work, being creative, learning, travelling or a combination of any number of things. It seems extremely arrogant to assume you know what holds the key to "true joy".

OP, no one can really say whether you'll regret not having children but you sound like someone who knows your own mind. If you have no desire to be a mum then don't become one "just in case" you regret not being one. That's a recipe for resentment. My DC are very much planned and longed for but I have had moments (during particularly stressful times) when I've seriously wondered whether I would have them if I had my time again. The thing is, those moments are only fleeting and then I quickly realise I wouldn't be without them but I can't imagine how I would cope with the relentlessness of parenthood if it wasn't something I had desperately wanted.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 07/04/2018 10:26

I would say that if you chose to try it and have a child you would never regret it, simply because no one really does, you love your children.

I think this is a really dangerous myth. There are absolutely people who regret it profoundly. It's just heavily tabooed to discuss at all. And what about the impact on the child, even if you "love them"? Most people who have children removed from their care love them - they just aren't capable of putting their children first or meeting their needs.

Ask some of the MNers on here whose mothers regretted becoming mothers about the impact on them.

Redglitter · 07/04/2018 10:26

IMO anyone who doesn't want them has for some reason ended up in a place where they are unable to access the true joy of life

I've read some garbage on this site but this takes the biscuit. It's patronising and insulting. I feel sorry for anyone who can't find any true joy in their life unless it's through their children.

I have to ask... Why are you on a parenting website?

Because there's a lot more to Mumsnet than just being a parent. Those of us who aren't parents can still make worthwhile contributions to all the other areas of the site

Original poster
Purplerain101 · 07/04/2018 10:28

I think the fact my OH is also about 95% certain he never wants children makes it easier for me. If he desperately wanted one then i’d probably feel a lot more torn

OP posts:
Bloodybridget · 07/04/2018 10:29

Me. No children, no regrets. I have had a lot of children in my life, have lived with children as a kind of extra parent for years, now have DGCs with DP, which is great. But really glad I never had my own.

missmorleyme · 07/04/2018 10:31

My auntie never had kids and she is in her 50s now, when people asked why dhe would just say because i didnt want them, or ive got enough niece's and nephews why would i want my own. Just tell people to mind their own and get on with your life if you are sure that is what you want. You dont have to answer to anyone except yourself.

Original poster
Purplerain101 · 07/04/2018 10:31

@hadroncollider my mum is a GP and she loves the kids but I think she also feels a bit fed up that she’s often used as a free babysitter all the time when she has health issues and other stuff going on in her life. Maybe it doesn’t help that my nieces and nephew are an incredibly rowdy bunch

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 07/04/2018 10:31

I have chronic illnesses too that are quite debilitating. At 30 I had just had to stop working and definitely didn’t want kids. At 32 my mum died and my perspective changed completely. I was doing a little better since I’d stopped working and DH and I discussed it and worked out we could handle one child at decided to try. I got pregnant at 33... but it was twins.

Since I had them, my health has deteriorated significantly - the lack of sleep for the first 15 months didn’t help, or the increased physical activity, and some days I feel like I simply can’t do this any more. But if you offered me a magic wand and said I could go back and not have kids, I’d never take it. I’ve had a lot of experiences in my life and having children is by far the best one. I used to roll my eyes at that sort of comment but once I had them I realised it’s true. I could imagine all the negatives before I had them, which is why I didn’t want them, but there’s no way to really understand all the positives until you experience them.

Having said all that, if you don’t want children, don’t have them. No one can say whether you’ll regret it sadly. I would just put it off the table for now and enjoy your life free from that responsibility and revisit the discussion in a few years. It’s possible things will happen that will change your feelings on it, or your hormones will, or you’ll still feel the same.

Flutterbyeee · 07/04/2018 10:34

I don't understand. I would not go on a tennis website if I did not want to play tennis.

Viewofhedges · 07/04/2018 10:36

One of the most useful things that someone said to me when we were trying (and failing) to conceive was “ it’s just another relationship.” So no kids doesn’t mean a life without young people and the great thing is you get to choose to be friends with the ones you like!

Also a great meme the other day “why don’t you want children?” “The same way I don’t want to be an accountant.” It’s not for everyone.

Viewofhedges · 07/04/2018 10:38

By the way flutter look around. This site has sections on trying to conceive, infertility, miscarriage, adoption as well as pets, style and beauty, films and tv etc etc.....

Redglitter · 07/04/2018 10:42

I don't understand. I would not go on a tennis website if I did not want to play tennis

Probably because a tennis website will be 95% about tennis. MN is massive compared to when it started. Those of us without children can still make worthwhile contributions to Relationships, TV, Style & Beauty, AIBU, Chat etc etc where the discussions aren't just about parenting MN encourages all kinds of people to join the site regardless of whether they gave children or not

KoshaMangsho · 07/04/2018 10:43

But you might want to watch tennis? Or like a tennis player? I don’t play many sports but it doesn’t stop me from having an interest in them.
I am never going to be an Astronaut but I read a book by Chris Hadfield and like reading stuff on space websites.
What a weird attitude to have.

SleepFreeZone · 07/04/2018 10:43

I would worry that you would have kids because you think you should, then spend a lifetime resenting them. So personally I think if you’re both sure then that’s that. No regrets! Keep a close bond with your nieces and nephews and you’ll get the best of both worlds.

catinapoolofsunshine · 07/04/2018 10:44

If you both don't want children just don't have them. If one of you wanted them and one of you didn't you'd have an issue. As it is it seems quite straight forward! Its really not something to do if you don't want to!

I read recently that 1 in 5 of women born in 1971 (so now aged 46 or 47, very unlikely to have a first child) in the UK have never had a child, so it's not especially unusual.

DeputyBrennan · 07/04/2018 10:47

@Flutterbyee, why don’t you go and look at the list of talk topics and see how many have naff all to do with parenting? I don’t understand why you’re confused. Mumsnet Talk is one of the most active discussion forums in the U.K. and a huge number of topics started and discussed daily have nothing whatsoever to do with children.

ScreamingValenta · 07/04/2018 10:47

No children and no regrets for me.

RedDwarves · 07/04/2018 10:49

No one here can tell you whether you will or will not end up regretting that decision.

I know people who chose to remain child free. Some of them admit to regretting it; others are confident that they made the right choice and are living the lives they wanted to be living. Equally, I know people who've had children when they didn't envision motherhood as being a thing to tick off on their to-do list, and they've fallen into the role with ease; and yet I know others who I'm quite sure regret having children, though they'll never verbalise that, of course.

It's a decision like any other. It may end up being a good choice; it may end up being a regrettable one. The difference is that children are a permanent thing. It's a complete, all encompassing decision. If you choose to have them, you are resigned to being a parent for the rest of your days. If you decide not to have them, you have to accept that there may come a time when you regret the decision and it's too late to change it.

SpringNowPlease2018 · 07/04/2018 10:50

Um, Flutter, how do you think so many childfree posters got here in the first place? There's loads of sections to talk about lots of things.

I admit the title made me assume it wasn't for me, but a friend of mine suggested I join because I was on a political discussion site that was male dominated and frankly they were all...mad.

anyway, I love having a female dominated site and don't talk about parenting because I'm not one! However, as a childfree person I do have people chat to me about regrets etc

OP just a point about my life at your age - makes me sound 100 Grin - what I got was a lot of people saying "when you see your friends have children you will change your mind". Actually it underlined my decision even more, seeing how their lives changed completely, although I knew that already. It just wasn't for me, I have no interest in children and all the human development aspect.

I also had people question my choice to date only men who didn't want children.

There's a strong thing, or seems to be in my experience, that some people really think everyone must have children. It puzzles me.

But there's so much of it, another childfree friend has actually started telling people they can't have kids just to shut them up.

A pp mentioned children and health. A contact of mine was unsure about having children, got "talked into it" by her DH, had two, seemed very unhappy, then one of them got really ill. She is now spending half her life to ing and fro ing from hospital. And her career is shot to shit and he's in trouble for the amount of time off he is needing.

I think people often assume their DC will be healthy as well. I think it's hard even if they are healthy!

Redglitter · 07/04/2018 10:50

I think it was pointed out to you the last time you asked the same question Flutterbyeee why non parents would be on the site. Only this thread has been nicer about it

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 07/04/2018 10:51

I wonder if there are GP out there who really aren't in love with the idea either?

Hadron My Mum and Dad divorced years ago and now both have new DP's. Neither looks after my DC on a regular basis and neither has any interest in being used as regular childcare. They're happy popping in and out and occasionally having sleepovers (I mean once or twice a year at most) and I'm chuffed that my Parents have happy, full lives while they're still young enough to do the things they want to do. Neither has any sort of desire to spend masses of time with the GC and both admit how exhausting they find them (they adopted me at 10 so until the GC arrived neither had spent much time with small children).

MIL is the opposite and defines her relationship with the GCs by how much time she gets with them. It's odd seeing the contrast and I have to say I think my Parents seem far, far happier for being "selfish" (in MIL's words) and not spending their latter years looking after children.

ForalltheSaints · 07/04/2018 10:58

I know three couples in their fifties who decided to have no children and do not regret it one bit.

The fact you and your OH can discuss this and have the same view suggests this is right for you.