to not want to be a mum?

[Purplerain101]

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

It can be such an agonising question OP. I have struggled with it for years. I have swung between desperately wanting a baby, and being adamant that I don't want one, and everywhere in between. I always knew deep down that the reality of parenthood would have driven me mad though. I have worked with parents and children for nearly 20 years and so had zero illusions about the reality of parenting.

I'm 38 now and feeling more settled all the time about our decision to stay childfree. Life without children can be wonderful. They are absolutely not the be all and end all, or the true meaning of joy or any other load of trite rubbish. Parenting is absolutely not for everyone, nor should it be. Regrets - always a risk no matter what decisions you make in life. All you can do is go with your gut, and with how you are both feeling at the time. None of us can know the future. You will be in good company if you decide not to have children though - more women than ever are reaching menopause without being mothers, although not always by choice. Good luck, it's a very daunting decision

I’m a similar age to you, had all the pressure from family/friends for the last few years to have children, like there’s no choice and was even told how ‘selfish’ I was by SIL but was quite happy not having them.

Then for the last few months DH and I have both decided we really do want them, overwhelmingly. It’s weird how your hormones or whatever suddenly kick in!

So YANBU to not want to be a mum, it’s good that you’ve actually thought it through and not just blindly given in to what’s expected. You might change your mind or you might not but IME you’ll know if you do when the time is right.

I never wanted or had children and don't regret my choice one bit. Now 59 and enjoying life. I have come to the conclusion that having childen is a bit like becoming a doctor or climbing Everest in that it's some people's job in life but not others'.

To add, I don't think people who don't have children are 'selfish' - I don't get that logic.

There are all kinds of regret.
I regret not having travelled more before I had kids.
I regret not trying for no 2 sooner.
I regret conceiving no 2 because it was a horrific pregnancy and birth and he was very sick and on the edge of life and death and I had done that to him (and to his brother who was in bits).
There are days when they are both nuts that I regret not stopping at one.
I regret the hit my career has taken.

But these are mostly fleeting regrets.

I travel with both kids now. It’s not the same as childfree travel but as they grow older we can do city breaks and nice restaurants again.

No 2 is currently healthy and seems to have overcome the issues of his birth (long term we’ll see but for now he’s fine).
No 1 and 2 are so lovely together despite driving me mad.
My career will recover as I have many years left to work.

Also babies are not all there is to having children. Babies are exhausting. The 6 year old is much less so. Teenage will bring its own challenges. But they are not needy and physically dependent as they are as infants. And I am a much better mum to kids over the age of 3 than under 3.

You may or may not regret having children. For some that regret is fleeting. For others that regret is deep seated and painful.
There was a recent study that showed that there are mothers who love their kids but resent parenthood. I have friends (both high flying career women and SAHMs) who really struggle with motherhood. One lot feels trapped. One lot outsourced everything because they simply can’t bear it. Many of them had kids because that’s what they were supposed to do and now regret it. I suspect there are equally women and men in their 60s who love their childfree life but also have a regret about choosing not to have kids (I am leaving fertility issues out of it). Who, while not admitting it to the rest of the world or to MN do think from time to time that having a child would have been nice, especially when they were adults.

As for the ‘how will we manage with kids?’ You will. Everyone does. We both work FT, have 2 kids, we travel, we have ageing parents. We have moved continents three times. It’s all possible. It’s different but possible. When I had a newborn each time I thought, how do mums of twins/triplets do it? They do. If you do want a child you’ll cope and maybe even thrive. If you don’t, then it would be unfair to inflict that regret on a child.

Anyway, I’m sure Jane Austen, Susan B Antony, Condoleezza Rice, the Brontes, María Callas, Barbara Castle, Coco Chanel, Simone De Beauvoir, Amelia Earhart, Elizabeth I, Margot Fonteyn, Greta Garbo, Debbie Harry, Lauren Hutton, Helen Keller, Katherine Mansfield, Theresa May, Angela Merkel, Helen Mirren, Margaret Mitchell, Mo Mowlam, Haruki Murakami, Iris Murdoch, Stevie Nicks, Florence Nightingale, Georgia O’Keefe, Joyce Carroll Oates, Rosa Parks, Dolly Parton, Dorothy Parker, Anna Pavlova, Beatrix Potter, Janet Reno, Ginger Rogers, Marilyn Monroe, Patricia Routledge, Lionel Shirver, Dodds Smith, Gloria Steinem, Gertrude Stein, Mae West, Eiriene White, Edith Wharton and Virginia Woolf would all be incredibly interested to hear how empty, meaningless and joyless their lives were/are because they’re not changing shitty nappies or wiping up sick at soft play on a rainy Tuesday afternoon.

People will remember them long after your kids have stuck you in a home.

For me it was never a decision, I always knew I wanted children and I was incredibly broody for a long while. However, before anyone starts vomiting, I totally accept not everyone feels like this and I respect that. And for those who say it's impossible to know true fulfillment or happiness without a child I would say children are not always rewarding and they can often (and usually unintentionally) really really hurt you!

Haven't RTFT but have you considered having sone eggs harvested and frozen in case you change your mind?

Great post Mighty 😁

Haruki Murakami is a man.

And Theresa May did mention that she wanted children but it wasn’t to be? I think there are those who are childfree by choice and those who are not and it’s not helpful to put them in the same category.

I suppose it's a matter of priorities mightymucks, I don't care about people I don't know remembering me.

To add, I don't think people who don't have children are 'selfish' - I don't get that logic.

I think this is something trotted out by people who are envious and bitter because they secretly wish they hadn’t had children themselves, they either wish they’d chosen differently or feel they didn’t have a choice.

That's supposed to be a grin in my post by the way

@Areyoufree that cartoon

Completely to each their own. You're young, you don't want them in your immediate future - keep using contraception. You don't need to make a final decision right now. You can't predict your fertility or how you'll feel in the future but having children just in case is a very big gamble!!

I am a mother of one and pregnant. I'm 30. I always knew I wanted children. Statements like "what would you do with your time" or "what is life without children" or people feeling sad for people without children is madness. My children will be grown up when I'm 50. Does my life end then? Do I spend the rest of my days hopefully feathering my nest in case they come home to visit, mourning them the rest of the time? Absolutely not!!

Your money, your time, your body, your choices, your life. No point dwelling on what ifs!

'I think this is something trotted out by people who are envious and bitter because they secretly wish they hadn’t had children themselves'

Spot on

I do have children, I always wanted them, I love them to bits and I don’t regret it. But - if I’d known what parenthood would be like, would I have had them? I honestly don’t know that I would.

Can anybody actually explain the rationale behind thinking it’s selfish to not have a child? It’s something I’ve heard a couple of times in life, but I genuinely can’t even understand how anybody would reach that conclusion.

Do they believe it selfless to create a new life? We’re not talking about children who actually exist already and are in need of loving parents. I don’t believe that most people in societies such as ours are having children for any other reason than they ‘want’ one (understanding that there must be some people in situations where they are forced to have children they don’t want). My friends with children all tell me how much they wanted them. Those who found themselves pregnant unexpectedly either were shocked but happy because they’d always known they wanted to be parents one day, or more slowly came around to the idea of wanting a child and continuing the pregnancy for this reason. I don’t intend this as a criticism - as I said, if I felt like I wanted a child, I’d try to have one - I just don’t understand the selfish/selfless angle.

I have to ask... Why are you on a parenting website?

If you don't want kids don't have them, they're not for everybody and there's no need to justify that to anybody.

HOWEVER after seeing loads of threads on MN from women who had always been adamant they didn't want them, only to reach a time when the choice was about to be taken away from them and suddenly have a change of heart, my conclusion is that it is premature to assert you dont want them, until your choice is tested, ie until the time comes when the peri-menopause hits. Until then I think the most you can say is 'right now I have no immediate plans to have children' or 'I don't see children in my life now or the short term future'

Leave yourself wriggle room with a partner to change your mind, whilst being clear you may never change it. There's no reason to have a set in stone proclaimation when you can't tell the future on this basis its a bit silly to say otherwise.

Flutter, I would have thought a parenting site an excellent place to ask the question.

also there are lots of us on here who are childfree!

Hormones are absolute devils in my opinion. I was always very maternal and desperate for a family, but I wonder if much of that was growing up with an alcoholic abusive father and craving an environment where I was loved and respected. I would say that if you chose to try it and have a child you would never regret it, simply because no one really does, you love your children.
However if your hormones do not get you regularly and make you crave children, then it's likely that any regrets would be fleeting and over ridden by the happy flexible life you lead.
We ended up with some children with disabilities which have completely taken over our lives, these are not things you can foresee. It's been very hard and effected our finances and whilst I've just got on with it, my husband (who is a fantastic dad) has definitely had depression and struggled with how it's all panned out.
My friend wasn't sure if she wanted kids and mid thirties pretended they'd been trying and had tests to confirm their fertility. They ended up having 2 around 40 and are very happy with their choice as they had 20 years together pre-kids.
I would probably try to think about how you'd feel if you were told you couldn't have them?

You might not have loads of time. I decided when I was 34 that I did want a child after all and it was already too late. We ran out of time. I'm mostly ok with that 9 years later and actually can't imagine a child in our tiny little house in our busy lives, but when I look at my mum with her grandchildren, I get sad thinking I'll never have that.

Just putting that out there to counteract all the "You've still got loads of time" comments.

Sorry for posting twice in a row, but it's becoming clearer that no actually this is not the case: I would say that if you chose to try it and have a child you would never regret it, simply because no one really does, you love your children. There are more and more women coming clean and saying they regret having children.

I don't think we were all meant to have them spaghetti otherwise the planet would implode.

OP if you are amibivilant you certainly shouldn't have kids. It's really really hard work and takes over our life. You have to want it.

I am happy i have kids but there are times.......lol

It is perfectly acceptable to not have kids and live your wonderfu life x

Human beings are animals and, as such, one of our main drives is to reproduce. We like to tell ourselves we do it to 'give our lives meaning', but really it's just an evolutionary instinct that we try and rationalise. If you're one of those people who doesn't feel that instinct and are happy at the thought of a child-free lifestyle, don't have kids!