to not want to be a mum?

[Purplerain101]

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

I wonder if there are any people whose regret at not having children is as strong as mine because I did have them ?

@Oddcat I was wondering the same thing.

I have two at 27; I wasn't "maternal" growing up and had no desire to have children. I don't regret having them but I don't relish motherhood the way some people do. I sometimes wonder whether, if I didn't have them, it would make much difference to my happiness. Even as a mother I still feel like I could take it or leave it.

It's a tough decision. For a long time we thought that we'd have children eventually, when the time was right. In the end, the time was right-we had good jobs, had travelled a lot, paid off the mortgage ect and we still weren't broody.

We loved our life as it was, but had similar concerns as yours regarding not having children: are we going to regret? no one to look after us when we are old? I wanted the 15 mins of attention when telling people I was pregnant but I didn't want what came after that. I didn't want to be a mother, I didn't want to get up at night, rush around to get my kids fed and ready in the morning, I didn't want to give up my career, I didn't want to have to play with my kids, help them with their homework, socialise with other parents, go to parents evenings, I didn't want the additional house chores...you get my drift.

I understand that if you don't get the bad bits you don't get the good bits either! But ultimately i wasn't prepared to gamble a life I already loved for something that could have gone either way. Currently mid 40's, not regrets whatsoever.

When you are making that decision, It can be difficult to exclude external social and parental pressure and to exclude a vision of the future that might attract you, but isn't a guarantee. However, I think you need to make abstraction if you want to do what is right for you.

Lovely post Travel, and very similar to my experience. I'm glad you're still loving your life and have no regrets

Had a very frustrating conversation with a friend yesterday. She was asking me (for the millionth time) if I’m going to try for a baby soon. I told her we’re swaying heavily towards not ever having one. Her response was “I think having kids is always the making of someone.”
I had to change the subject immediately as I could feel a big argument brewing

I'm mid 40s and don't have children. I am delighted.

a good friend of mine had the exact same situation as you. Her and her partner agreed they didn't want kids, but both feared they may change their minds when it was too late, and regret it. they agreed to re-visit the subject every so often, to confirm they were still on the same page.
They're both 50 now, she's menopausal, neither of them changed their minds, and they live full happy lives with no regrets.

I always wanted kids and I wouldn't be without mine, but parenthood is bloody hard work and I wouldn't suggest anyone embarked on it unless they were completely sure.

I would keep an open mind personally. I was never what you would call maternal. I'm still not in many ways. I was told having children would be difficult for me so was prepared for it not to happen and had a great life with DH, we decided not to have IVF as didn't want it to consume us. When it eventually did happen we were overjoyed but very apprehensive as we knew it meant massive changes. 6 years on I can't imagine my life without kids. I still have my career, the car and the house I wanted but I also get my kicks out of going to places like Peppa Pig World and CBeebies land!
I understand some people just don't want them but if you are thinking about it enough to ask on here I'd keep an open mind personally. By 38 you could well change your mind.
And the only thing I find sad about people not deciding to have kids is when they cite their career. No one is indispensable and your employer can screw you over at any point so I would never let that be a factor.

Had a very frustrating conversation with a friend yesterday. She was asking me (for the millionth time) if I’m going to try for a baby soon. I told her we’re swaying heavily towards not ever having one. Her response was “I think having kids is always the making of someone.”
I had to change the subject immediately as I could feel a big argument brewing

People who are truly happy with and in their own choices tend not to feel the need to criticise or persuade others away from theirs. But misery loves company.......

And the only thing I find sad about people not deciding to have kids is when they cite their career. No one is indispensable and your employer can screw you over at any point so I would never let that be a factor.

I don’t think that for many people their career is the real reason they chose not to have kids but it is something to say to people who won’t let the matter rest.

Flopsymopsycottontailbuns I understand the point you are making but then what constitutes as an 'acceptable' reason to decide not to have children?

I think citing a career is a very valid reason to decide against having children (tbh I think any reason or lack thereof is a valid reason.)

Cost of childcare is extortionate - many parents either give up work altogether thus stalling their career progression or work at a net loss to maintain one foot in the door.

If a parent doesn't have external support - guess who nursery or school will be calling if the child feels ill. That's right; how patient can an employer be if a member of staff is having to leave work to collect their child or ferry them to appointments etc with little to no warning.

You're right that no-one is irreplaceable but I'd wager that indirectly (or even directly) many women have felt themselves being slowly pushed out or sidelined because their priorities rightly lie with their child and not finishing off some report or presentation for a client.

How productive do you think someone can be at work when they're experiencing night after night of broken sleep due to being up with their dc?

Parents have to negotiate school holidays. Where will the dc be during the Easter holidays, half terms, Summer holidays? Activities cost a lot of money and your typical 30-day annual leave allowance won't cover the entire academic year.

Of course for some parents having children doesn't negatively impact on their careers or jobs but I reckon for the vast majority it does.

One of my friends doesn't want to have children because she doesn't want to ruin her figure. Horses for courses. That's just a valid choice as much as any.

@VladmirsPoutine an acceptable reason is genuine lack of desire and there's nothing wrong with that.Citing career I personally think is something to hide behind. I did it myself for a while. Childcare is difficult I know this believe me and have a lack of external help but you find a way.
I just know so many people who have been screwed over at work whether they have kids or not I think you have to take that as a reason out of the equation.

I can see Flopsys point; not wanting children can still be often met with hostility so it can be natural to try and justify it.

My best friend is almost 40 and has no kids and never wants them, she's had no regrets so far!

Have you seen Ricky Gervais's Humanity on Netflix. He lists his reasons for choosing to remain childless. It's really funny but imo really valid too. Ive got two close friends who've not had kids and they lead really fulfilling, happy lives. It is a very personal decision only you and your partner can make.

Flopsymopsycottontailbuns I mentioned career so I'll give you my view on that. I have been screwed over and I have seen lots of people being screwed over at work. It is just a fact of life and I don't get worked up about it. I still prefer going to work every day to domestic chores, and I like to earn my own money. But clearly I wasn't that bothered about children to start with. As you can see, career came amongst a multitude of other reasons for me.
I'm guessing if someone was desperate for children then their career wouldn't matter so much. I agree with other posters that all reasons are valid and I also assume that people don't refrain from having children because they think that a "work family" is enough, i'll give them that credit!
Also you can get screwed over by anyone, friends, partners, family, you can't really plan for it.

I'm 43 and have never wanted children. I have two godchildren that I love, but I can't imagine myself every having any. I'm happy with my life, I don't feel I'm missing out at all. I don't like holding babies (I answer the phone if one is brought in the office) and, unlike a previous poster I tend not to interact in cafes or places like that if I can help it!

“I think having kids is always the making of someone.”

Did you ask her to explain how exactly? I mean why are there so many children in care homes then? I would have said: they're also the unmaking of some people. People do say things without thinking!

FWIW, I know someone who was the 2nd eldest of a large family and was expected from a young age to help her parents bring up her 4 siblings, as they had to both work (this was in the west indies and they lived very rurally) She insists she never wants kids. BUT she spends her energy volunteering with drug and alcohol addicts, in mediation for families in crisis, with downs children etc, and this alongside a very demanding city job. Clearly NOT having kids has been the making of her. I on the other hand would love to do more for others but am usually knackered, even if I put my health issues aside. I reckon she has done more for the planet any day of the week, than I have.

"your typical 30-day annual leave allowance won't cover the entire academic year. "

30 days in my current job, but I don't think it's typical! Closer to 22 days I'd think.

I have had the odd bizarre fantasy of being a Carole Middleton type, and in 25 years’ time, sitting in the Harvey Nicks’ cafe with my two beautiful grown up daughters for afternoon tea, before sauntering off to the Royal Court for a matinee.....

but I really don’t want to do the ‘work’ leading up to that: conceiving, pregnancy, labour and pain and indignity etc, smelly nappies, screeching and screaming I’d probably have to deal with (as men inme are mostly hopeless with nappies and sleepless nights!).

I am told I’m not maternal but I am, only towards dogs, not baby humans!