to not want to be a mum?

[Purplerain101]

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

You can think what you like spaghetti, but if you’re prepared to spout such offensive deluded claptrap in public in public you also have to be prepared to be told you’re a bit of a dick.

Its quite normal and natural not to want children. You may change your mind later in your 30s, in which case you can decide what to do about it then, but you'd be mad to have children unless you really wanted them.

Having children does add a whole new dimension to your life, emotionally and practically. But don't be fooled into thinking that's a wholly positive experience. There's love and happiness there, but also worlds of worry, sadness and fear. In fact, I would say that from the moment your child is born you will never truely be carefree or happy again (now there's a happy thought).

My feelings have no bearing on anyone else's life mightymucks.

If your view of life is really that myopic and stilted that you can’t imagine other people find true joy in different things from you I feel very, very sorry for you.

Mighty has it spot-on. If your only sense of 'joy' and achievement comes from having reproduced you're doing joy wrong.

spaghettijumper that is the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard anyone say

I know my sister and best friend love their children dearly and would die for them, but I also see how utterly exhausted and stressed they are 99% of the time. And I’m just not convinced that I want that in my life (especially as I also have some health issues that leave me feeling very unwell a lot of the time. Having to deal with that whilst also looking after a baby 24/7 fills me with terror).
I think it’s probably the right thing to do to not have one, and I can always make a final decision when I get to my late 30s. And if i change my mind and it’s too late for me then i’ll Just have to live with it. There are so many other things that bring me joy so I’m certain I could still live a happy life

I'm 59, knew I never wanted kids and could never think of a reason to have them, other than my then DH wanted them (we split and he has since had a child with subsequent partner).

I've never regretted it - partner and I were both of this opinion and have a great life (mortgage-free 20 years ago, have travelled extensively, both able to take very early retirement).

What I will say, however, is that as we approach the 'elderly' phase, there's a very occasional tinge of 'we have no family to speak for us when we're really old'. Having said that, I have a much younger brother who has two school-age kids with whom I've very involved and we know we have them (they'll inherit from us).

All I can say is - don't do it unless you're sure you really want to (children deserve to be really, really wanted), but you're young and there's time if you later change your mind.

Fair enough sausage, it's a distinction of sorts

I have several friends who have never had children and don’t want them, they don’t regret it at all. I chose to have children and I often regret it . Having children isn’t for everyone and it’s ok not to have them.

I don't know if you'll regret not having children but IMO anyone who doesn't want them has for some reason ended up in a place where they are unable to access the true joy of life.

Fucking hell. I adore my kids and they bring me great joy, even though I wasn't at all sure about having kids for a long time, but so do many, many other things (including a quiet hour with a book, which is a lot rarer since the said kids). That is a really screwed-up and narrow-minded way to think.

OP, if you don't feel it, you don't feel it. Like a PP, I think better to regret not having kids later than to be raising a child you regret and resent. It seems to me that people who flip on this have generally done it by their late 30s, with time still left to make it happen - if you still aren't feeling it by then, I think that's your answer.

I'm in my 40s and chose not to have children. I have a wonderful and fulfilled life and don't regret it at all, unlike many of my male and female friends who have said that although they love their children they wish they'd decided to stay child free.

This debate always makes me think of the women and men throughout the world and in history who were not able to make the choice whether to have children. It makes me grateful to have been given that life choice.

If a person doesn't want offspring then they shouldn't have them (or be made to feel judged) - it would be unfair on both generations.

I'll offer up my own perspective. I was never sure I wanted kids, so I "reverse psych'd" myself and thought about how I'd feel if I was told I wasn't able to have kids - and that actually disturbed me.
So even though I didn't actively want them, and if I'd had a partner who didn't want them either I might never have had them, I knew that if the choice was removed from me I'd have been upset.

As it is, I met someone who did want children and ended up having 2 boys, who I love to bits. I'm very glad I did have them - but even on the day I went in to be induced with DS1, I was still wondering whether or not I'd made the right decision!! I'm not a big fan of babies, and never felt very maternal until DS1 was out and in my arms. THEN it all kicked in.

So - will you regret it? Can't tell. Just ask yourself how you'd feel if you were told tomorrow you could NEVER have children - if you feel ok with that, then I guess it's unlikely you'll ever regret not having any. :)

I grew up wanting to have children then met someone who didn’t want kids and I thought he was the one. So I eventually came around to all the merits of a cf lifestyle. When we broke up in my 30s, I realised the likelihood that I could end up dating a man with kids, so had to expand my mindset to being a step-mother. When I met DH he had a child he thought was his at the time. Seeing what an awesome father he was with her, not only made me fall hard but reconsider wanting children again. Currently, it’s been a bit of a fertility struggle. I’m now in my 40s.

The way I personally see it having a cf mindset in the past. The only way I’d give up my freedom to have kids, is to be a hands on mother who really wants to be teaching them about life, taking them to libraries and museums and planning fun things to do. If I’m lucky enough to have kids, they are being home schooled. I daydream about throwing them parties and taking a daughter to that American Girl doll shop in New York. I wouldn’t give up my freedom to have kids if my husband wasn’t going to be fully engaged in them, if I was just going to stick them infront of a TV set and show minimal interest. Kids are hard work and a money pit who you are going to worry about every single day of your life.

So indulge yourself in the what if scenario of changing your mind and wanting a baby. Why would you want one? How involved in the child would you actually be? What kind of life would you want with this child?
Imo, to have children because that’s what society/family/partners want is not a strong enough reason to give up your freedom. If you are just going to be an average parent and are just going through the motions, I’d choose freedom instead and enjoy sleep, eating out and travelling!

I hope I have kids but if I don’t. I’m thankfully for being cf in the past to know it’s not the be all and end all.

If anything other people's kids put me off having DC. I realised I wanted them when I thought I might be pregnant once and realised I was disappointed when the test was negative. Don't make any firm decisions just yet, you have time.

And bear in mind thag there's regret and REGRET. I have children and I regret not having followed a more international career sometimes. I regret not having travelled more. I sometimes regret not having had a third child. These regrets are not all consuming and I think its pretty normal to have some regrets, whichever path you choose in life.

There are plenty of people happy without kids. Although you might feel slightly differently when all your friends' socialising revolves around kids.

But I think health issues puts a different complexion on things. You might actively regret having kids.

Having kids is really tough. Having kids with poor health is a nightmare.

The older women I know who felt like this fall into two camps - those who changed their minds in their late 30s and had a child, and those who stayed child free. Both groups seem perfectly happy with their decisions. So in my experience it's fine whatever happens, no one seems to have woken up at 50 realising they made a huge mistake. Enjoy your child free life, however long it lasts!

I'm 42

single, childfree, never regretted it.

i think a lot of people regret having children but they can only tell their nearest and dearest and perhaps not even them.

‘Unable to access the true joy of life’? Yes, you do sound like a ‘nutter’ (though I wouldn’t use that unpleasant word myself), quite frankly, Spaghetti.

I’m pretty much in the same situation as you, OP. I’m 31 and just very unbothered about having a child. I don’t expect that to change in the next few years, although I’m aware it could. I think it would be absolute madness to try to conceive on the off-chance that I’d somehow end up a bit happier with a child (he has children from his first marriage). By no means is everybody happier with children.

I like stability and security, and I’ve made a very nice life for myself. I enjoy it immensely. I’m not changing it unless I feel a very compelling pull to.

My mother thinks that people, who don’t procreate are incredibly selfish and odd. I totally disagree with this and much of what comes out of her mouth and accept people for who they are. I know people, who are childless by choice and others by circumstance. I absolutely guarantee these people have a great deal of pleasure out of life.

From speaking to the ones, who are childless by choice it seems to be due to their childhoods. One couple have had a lot of therapy, one is even a very good therapist yet still decided they didn’t want to become parents. If you are of the opinion you don’t want to have children because of how you were treated as a child (not saying this is the case), I would urge you to seek therapy to ensure that you are making the correct decision.

No one can tell you whether you will regret it or not. At 30, you are still developing into the adult you will become in later life. As I approach my 50’s, I see things so very differently than when I was your age. But that is my journey, not yours.

This is something I have struggled with for ages. I've never, ever been 'maternal' and when holding my baby Neice or other people's babies, I don't have any primal instincts to have children.

However, being in a stable relationship at the age of 33 (and still with the same man 3 years later), I thought we may as well try for children, as 'that's what you did' and people say you don't regret kids, you love your own and see your own differently to other peoples and once you're pregnant, you change etc....

.... It was honestly the worst time of my entire life - My mood crashed severely, I cried every single day, regretted what I had done and genuinely thought my life was over - I even remember apologising to my partner, saying I wouldn't mind if he left me as I could appreciate I had 'ruined his life'.

Admittedly, it was mostly the hormones talking and after being diagosed with antenatal depression (something I couldn't have foreseen) and being suicidal, despite being on AD's, I terminated at 12 weeks - This is AFTER having a booking in appointment, AFTER having a scan.... All of which was complete torture for me as there were all these 'Happy Mums to be' and I was in the corner, trying not to hysterically sob, feeling like a complete freak.

As it stands, I'm 36, get married to my amazing partner in less than 4 months and am still unsure about children - I still have no 'urge' and I have kind of accepted that won't happen. I also believe that if I were to get pregnant again, the same thing would happen and I never want to feel like that again, so perhaps on a sub-conscious level, I've already made my choice.

The only reason for my post is to offer an alternative approach to 'Try it, you'll never regret it'.... As I don't regret terminating my pregnancy, but I do regret ever trying in the first place.

Other people's kids put me off too...

I would just say never say never. I did not want kids and was adamant I would not be having any... until I met someone who did want kids - and whose kids I wanted to have more than not wanting to have kids at all. Hormones I guess?

I think at age 90 everyone would prefer to be a great grandmother than not having any descendants BUT that doesn't mean that all of us can do what it takes to get there i.e. the hard work and sacrifices around your 30s. You have to actually go through the bringing them up first so what you're going to think when you're old is not the determining factor.

I didn’t have a broody bone in my body but changed my mind in my late 30s. I sometimes wish I could change my mind back again. I could have been happy either way.