to not want to be a mum?

[Purplerain101]

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

I love this kind of threads! to have children or not? Serious dilema. There’s no definite correct answer. (although “want/not want to be a mum”- always struggled with this notion, what is it “to be” a mum? what does “mum” mean? my kid is over 2 now and only now i kind of accepted “mum” as a part of identity).

For me a decision to have children was made when i questioned myself what “do not want” children means to me and realised it is all tied to various kind of fears, subjective and projected. It’s not like i didn’t want children but was scared of the unknown, financially etc.
Also, giving life also means giving death and that (still) is very difficult idea to chew.
To have children is very selfish but having children one must be selfless (unless you have very good support system) and that is VERY hard.

So, to have children or not? It’s not something that can be answered by the other, or even by oneself without retrospective experience. You will
know once you’ll make this unreversable decision.

I don’t know anyone who regrets being child free by choice but although it’s never discussed I suspect I know a lot of older women (60+) who regret having kids. However, in those days you got married and had children and if you didn’t, society would call you names and make out that you were weird or scary. There wasn’t any real choice.

My own mother has exclaimed in anger when at her wits end that she wished she’d never had kids mainly because my DB was such hard work and she was on her knees with tiredness most of the time. I love her and know she loves us but suspect she would have been less bitter and would’ve had a happier life without us. I don’t hate her for this but I see the regret and lost opportunities in her eyes. Her life became all about us when we came along and she lost hers. I have DC and it’s not easy but I try to make a balance between my DC wants and needs (luckily they are healthy) and my own. I don’t want to become bitter.

Yes, this. And I have in the last 5 years or so watched friends who were formerly educated, interesting, vibrant women become the type who can only talk about their child and child stuff. Nappies and prams and poo and who ate what. It was unforeseen and I'd hate that to happen to me.

I never wanted children and still don't. I'm 45 this year and like my life the way it is. I always thought that if a 'baby shaped' hole suddenly appeared in it then I would consider filling it or work out whether to fill it with something else but it just hadn't happened. If it ever does, and it's too late anyway now, there can't be any regrets as I made decisions that were right for me at the time.

I'm also 45 this year, never wanted children, don't like being around them, have no desire to hold babies or interact with them in any way. Can't see this changing.

I much prefer my dogs

@kinkyafro I’m the same. Even holding my baby niece just made me feel awkward and I wanted to hand her back to my sister after a minute. I have zero interest in being around my friends’ children. Animals, on the other hand, will always get my full undivided attention.

The thought of having children always filled me with horror. Never had any and never going to. No regrets and I can’t say my life hasn’t been lacking in joy.

Although as I pointed out above, as a counterpoint, they don’t stay at the baby stage. They can grow into interesting people. I have gone to plays, concerts and sporting events with my boys and DH (and they are both under 10). It has been a privilege and immensely rewarding to watch them slowly grow up from being tiny babies to people with interests and views.

(Again not that this is a reason to have children but just to point out that the pooping/feeding/nappy thing is thankfully a very brief part of parenthood). And that I may even have been a baby bore briefly but once out of the baby fog not only was I back at work but back to being able to have interesting conversations and follow my interests.

And that I find/found babies including my own, cute but immensely dull!

Yes I’m not a baby person and never enjoyed holding other people’s babies. I did however always know I wanted children, and as my DS grows from baby to child I’m finding it more fulfilling.

Unfortunately you can never know what you will regret, I suppose having or not having children should just never taken lightly and should come after a lot of thought. You could still regret your decision but as long as it truly was your decision rather than a decision someone else took for you, it should be easier to live with even if you end up thinking you made the wrong one.

I love these threads for the interesting debates and loon battles that arise, but it is basically like posting 'AIBU to have a sandwich right now?'

I don't know. Are you hungry? Maybe you could have one later. And have you thought about soup? Soup's also good.

I think it's a little harsh to criticise baby bores who were previously "interesting " women.

Convinced the utter absorption is evolutionary- without your care your baby dies it's that simple. You have to be fucking obsessed for the first few months. In most parents this is a temporary state.

I wish there were more people in the world like you, OP. Genuinely can’t understand why anyone gives a shit about if other people have children or not. Too many people as it is, so it’s fab imo when people are perfectly happy not to have them.

Also, I think having children traps you in a way. So I only wanted to be trapped once I’d made a life I was happy with. A person I wanted to be with you had the same goals and hopes that I did. A good financial position. Some people are ok having children before they are financially stable, but I wouldn’t have been. Live in a nice place that we’d consciously decided to settle in.
The worst life I could have imagined would have been stuck with kids in a horrible town, struggling for money.

I think the best thing to do is to plan out the life you want and work for it. If your dream doesn’t include children, that’s not a bad thing.

Agree with a couple of pp's too, I never rush to coo over babies or toddlers but will interact with them if they happen to engage with me in a cafe or something. I never quite know what to do when people assume that I must be desperate to hold their new baby and feel it's expected if me to do so and rude/stand offish if I don't. I also like my 6 year old neice's company and happily spend time with her. But cats on the other hand...I will always rush to stroke a cat

@Bluesheep8 interesting! I’m a huge dog fan and would always be more drawn to a friendly dog than a child, but I do still really enjoy holding other people’s babies. I think babies are gorgeous, wondrous things - I just don’t want one myself. I feel no real pull at all.

I’m very much an introvert and absolutely need a fair amount of time to myself in order to recharge my batteries. The 24/7/365 nature of motherhood (particularly in the early years) would drain me beyond just physically.

Deputy I feel much the same. I do spend time with children, and enjoy it. Because I'm not a parent, and thus not knackered like my friends with under fives, I am happy to take children for a day give my friends a break. I also seem to have inherited my dad's magic shoulder which puts babies to sleep in moments.

My mind was properly, properly blown when I felt my pg friends daughter kick - I mean, growing and brewing and delivering something as complex as an actual person. All in that tiny space, in less than a year! Mind boggling.

I am childfree by choice - felt like this as long as I can remember. In my mid 30's while having scans for my chronic condition, it was found in passing that my womb was shaped in a way that would make carrying past four months incredibly unlikely. There's also more and more evidence supporting the idea that my medical problems are genetic.

A bit of me can't help wondering if my mind and body was in some way 'aware' of this, so never flipped my drive to reproduce to 'active'.

I have two DC. They are wonderful, at the best of times they fill me with joy and love...at the worst, they drive me to the absolute brink. I will never regret having them. But. My life pre kids was pretty awesome too. I was financially solvent, enjoyed my job, social life and love life. I basically enjoyed life and felt I was living a good one. I did not feel unfulfilled.

Yes, since having my kids I've found a new kind of love that's way bigger and more intense than the kind I've experienced before. But with great love comes great responsibility. My happiness is now tied up with my DC; if anything were to happen to them, it would destroy me. That's a really scary thought. And it is HARD. I haven't had a good night's sleep for three years thanks to pregnancy and non sleeping DC. My DH and I bicker and fight a lot. There is no time for romance right now. I am often irritable, and just getting through the day feels like a win in itself. My health and looks are suffering.

That's not to say it's always a bad thing. I know it will all be worth it and I don't resent it. But if you're not sure, having kids is a massive undertaking. Yeah, you might have ones that sleep with sweet placid natures...but you can't guarantee anything!

It's great you are being honest with yourself, good on you and for taking time to really think about it.

I have a son who I adore but life as a working mother is v tough and I don’t doubt for a second that I would not have had an enjoyable and fulfilling life (in a different way) if I had not had a child.

I have a son who I adore but life as a working mother is v tough and I don’t doubt for a second that I would not have had an enjoyable and fulfilling life (in a different way) if I had not had a child.

I have two children. I knew from my teens that I wanted to be a mum above anything else and I didn't really feel I had made a success of my life until I became a parent (despite having a degree and successful career).

My best friend is in her forties, never wanted children and is completely happy with her life as a result

I was a single mum for 6 years and I think you have to consider this possibility when thinking about whether you want children or not. Could you cope on your own? Hardest thing I've ever done but also the most character building.

I don't regret having my children but even the most devoted parents have days where they just want their old lives back.

There is a tiny part of my brain that whispers to me to try for another baby with my OH but we have 5 kids between us and neither of us could cope with baby stage again. This isn't rational however, it is my body telling me I'm nearly 40 and desperately trying to get one more child out of me.. ignoring it at all cost.

I'd say unless you are desperate for a child, don't do it. It's not something you can half do.

Slightly different note- getting a quiet coffee and someone has come in with a child which is doing high pitched shrieks and throwing food. The parents are smiling benevolently.
It's so common now- even some of my own friends since becoming parents no longer 'get' that its not the darling's right to ruin everyone else's experience.
That's another thing I don't want to happen to me/turn into.

@blackbirdblue so very true! I am always mortified when my DC play up in a public place and make it unpleasant for others. We were in a cafe just there and both kids kicked off, me and DH were quick to deal with it as we were conscious people were trying to enjoy their lunches. Sure kids will be kids but you have to respect others around you!

I want to thank everyone for posting so honestly about pros and cons of children. I feel I can go with the flow knowing I'm not alone both loving and hating having children; though mostly hating the experience but that's OK! I'm not a terrible person after all

bluesheep I adore my own child but I do not want to have to hold or interact with other people’s babies ever. Like you I have never been the type to coo at babies and find them quite dull to be honest. It’s annoying when people assume that all women love babies and small children. We don’t!