to not want to be a mum?

[Purplerain101]

I’m early 30s and have no children. My OH and I were discussing the possibility of it last night and we were both brutally honest that it’s just not something that interests either of us. I’ve mentioned this before to people like my sister and female friends and they all look at me as if I’m completely insane and will 100% regret it when I’m older.
Have any of you not had children and not lived to regret it? I just don’t think it should be something I do unless I really, really want to be a mother (which I don’t). But what if I feel very sad about it in 20 years time and wish i’d done it? Any advice would be much appreciated

My DH is open to the idea of us having a child, but equally, if we don't have a child he is happy to build a life together without one. At this juncture, the decision is basically mine. I'm mid 30s, so it will be now-ish or never.

I'm leaning towards never. I like my life, which allows me to cultivate expensive and time consuming hobbies, and take last minute trips to the continent whenever I like.

These are the selfish reasons why I don't want a child, but also I am terrified for the future. The planet is falling apart, and I worry about what the world will be like in 30, 40, 50 years.

@Purpkerain101 Yep I have no desire to become free childcare in my late 50s 60s either. Your mum has my sympathies. If and when it does happen I fully intend to have baby sitting duties on fully negotiated grounds. Raising children is tough, and I think more now so, than in the past when parents could more or less rely on a community spirit to chip in. ie leaving children out to play all day, house hopping, knowing everyone else is playing a part in supervising as well. That was my childhood. Today too much stress is on the parents. So the thought of going through loads of nappy days all over again really doesn't appeal.

I think you’ve got to do what’s best for you.

My sister and her bloke don’t want kids, they like their life as it is thank you very much. I think they are sensible. My mum can’t quite get it.

Having kids is hard going enough if it’s something you really want to do. If you don’t want to do it I’d hate to think how much harder it would be.

My god mum has no children (she’s in her 60s now) and I think she feels sad around times like Christmas. But other than that she’s happy with her decision and has a great life. I hope it will be that way for me. Nothing in life is ever certain so I need to just focus on the present moment more

I'd stay as you are OP, speaking as a mother of two. I don't understand Spaghettis odd attitude at all. It's relentless, thankless and I am on my knees a lot of the time.

I never wanted children, had no maternal feelings at all. I recall my mum's friend telling me I was "selfish" and that I was "denying your mother the right to be a grandparent". WTAF? By virtue of circumstances I'd rather not expand on, I have two now. My second was born when I was 42, I am now nearly 49, he's 7, autistic and I am a lone parent as my ex-husband decided it wasn't for him after all. The selfish prick. Don't misunderstand me. I adore my kids, totally, love them with every bone in my body, they are wonderful, both of them. However, if I had my time again, I absolutely would not have any. Not a chance.

I think you should listen to your instincts on this one!

@hestershaw and @queenaravis I think you are splitting hairs to be honest. I've never met anyone who's actually regretted having their kids, so I don't think my point was a dangerous myth. It's not normal to regret having one. However with women leaving it a lot later now I can imagine that it is harder to adjust and cope and with better diagnosis of PND i can well imagine there are women who struggle. But I don't agree that there are hoards of women walking around regretting they had their children any more than most woman who choose not to have children are walking round feeling empty and unfulfilled.
Regarding grandparents, I think Age has a bearing in some cases. And whether they themselves are still working.
But there are plenty of grandparents who aren't fussed and feel their kids kids are their own responsibility and they can get on with it themselves.

I would say that if you chose to try it and have a child you would never regret it, simply because no one really does, you love your children.

This isn't true. Of course most parents don't regret their choice to have children but I have read enough threads on MN to know that a significant number of women if given the chance over would not choose parenthood again. Understandably it's such a taboo that few people would admit this outside the anonymity of the Internet.

Flutterbyee, since when was MN exclusively a parenting website? Despite being a parent, I rarely post about my children and I ended up here because I needed some support during my divorce, and got it in spades. Have a look round the site, you'll be amazed at what you find that has zero to do with children, parenting or anything else connected to it!

To be clear, I've not met anyone who actually really regretted having them, so I don't think the stats are that high, I'm not saying no one regrets it. But I've personally only had experience of women who couldn't have children but wanted them. It probably also comes down to the circles you move in. Just thought the 'dangerous myth' was completely over the top.

OP there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. Me and oh thought long and hard about it as didn't want it to be 'just the default thing you do' as a couple. We are happy with our two but you are someone's slave full time, no sick leave! It's ridiculously hard work and I admit to being jealous of my child free friends sometimes. I didn't realise how kids mean you can't do anything for yourself without it being a huge hassle.

I know it'll get easier and I'm looking forward to watching them grow up but if you've seen what your dns involve then embrace your freedom! (Equally if you do change your mind then embrace what you've chosen!)

I've never met anyone who's actually regretted having their kids

A) how do you know? Most people who feel that way tell almost no one.
B) what makes you think you've met every type of person who exists?

I'm about a decade older than you, and have no children, by choice. I love children, and adore my sister's children, but the thought of having my own horrifies me. That is, I like children - what I don't like is the position of being a mother.

If I had had children, I feel that I would have loved them, of course, but I would have also really resented them, which is really not fair on any child born.

I also like Mumsnet a lot, because it's a place where intelligent people come to talk about lots of things, not just parenting. I never felt I didn't "belong" here.

There’s nothing “sad” about not wanting kids. A good friend of mine doesn’t want kids, she’s a lovely person and is great fun. She’s not joyless or miserable like someone suggested.

I say this as a mother, by the way.

I didn't want to have children because I like babies and the under 18s, it was a desire to create a family. Children grow up. The screechy baby/kid stage passes in a flash. Even if you don't miss needy small people now you might in the future miss having adult sons and daughters.

Or you might not! You sound on the same page as your OH and are discussing it, so that's all any of us can do. I'm just saying the annoying smallpeople stage is a tiny fraction of what it is to have a child or children in your life.

I’m about same age as OP, I’m nearly 30 and pregnant with my second DD.

I think by this stage - you probably do know deep down if you want kids or not. I’ve always wanted children, but after having one DD, I know I’ve made the right decision that I’m finished my family now and this will be the last time I’m pregnant. My DH agrees.

Kids doesn’t mean your never happy again or don’t ever travel. I know lots of people who travel with kids, it just involves a little bit more planning.

Alternatively I’m the one of the only ones out of my friends who has children and sometimes they don’t understand my lifestyle.

Also, I find it a bit insulting that when you tell people with kids that you don't want children of your own, they look at you in shock, concern, and pity, and tell you that you'll change your mind eventually.

When people tell me that they're pregnant, or they want to have children soon, I don't tell them that they'll regret it and are they sure about it!!!

I think at age 90 everyone would prefer to be a great grandmother than not having any descendants

No, sorry. No interest in having descendants at all. More interested in what I will have done with my life in non-reproductive ways.

The tagline is "by parents for parents". Pointless trying to battleme on that.

No point trying to battle against the many people who aren't parents who frequent the site.

While the majority of posters are parents, there’s nothing wrong with other people using the forum.

@Flutterbyeee I’ve seen you pop up on threads before asking the exact same question.

If you’re really that hard of thinking, maybe chat forums aren’t for you. Have you tried colouring books?

mumofkids I would say the proportion of parents who regret having kids is higher than you think as its not something people, especially women, admit to. I can remember the terrible sleep deprivation I was going thriugh with a beautiful but miserable colickly baby, I would weep through exaustion, but down at the 'mother and baby group' everyone would just be all smiles, and full of stories about how little Alexander is sooooo adorable, he only wakes up once a night and is sooo content. Not once did I EVER have a parent admit in person to me that their bundle of joy was anything other than a life enhancing bundle of perfection and the sleepless nights were a breeze or never happened at all. Let alone PND. That was a dirty word akin to swearing.

But then strangely MN is full of parents going through such things so clearly people are not forth coming in RL. If struggling parents can't be real about common phenomenons like PND why would they admit to regreting children altogether?

It is almost inevitable that as we age we experience some regrets whether it be not having children, having children, not pursuing a career & a myriad of other things. I agree with PP that as you & your partner have made a joint decision not to have children it is probably the right decision for you both.
I have children but I found early years parenting very hard & it is only really now that my children are adults that I could say I really "enjoy" parenting. Having children has also undoubtedly damaged my career prospects & I am much more anxious than I was pre children.
Having said all that I am loving being a first time grandparent but certainly want be providing regular childcare (feel that I have done my bit).
I would say go with your decision & ignore the naysayers, it is your life not theirs, they can make their own choices!

Not rtft but I know a few people in couples who don't have children by choice.
They're not close friends but as far as I know they are perfectly happy, and lead full and interesting lives. Some are close to nieces nephews etc.

I have absolutely no opinion about it; it's their life; what's it to do with me.

Whether or not people have regrets I suppose depends partly on their personality... glass half full or half empty etc.

@hestershaw and @queenaravis I think you are splitting hairs to be honest. I've never met anyone who's actually regretted having their kids, so I don't think my point was a dangerous myth. It's not normal to regret having one.

Mumofkids Do you think they would tell you if they did, especially given your view that it is not normal?