Gloaty, smug parent- how do I manage this better?

[Dogjustguffed]

Due to see my friend tomorrow with her DD and my DS. Her DD is nearly 4, my DS is 6 and a half. Friend is obsessed with getting her DD ahead of her peers with reading and numbers. On the other hand, I very much took the view that the preschool years were for socialising and play. My DCs started school counting to 10 and knowing letters/alphabet but that was it!

Last time I was there my friend had written down some random words which are quite long sometimes (things like window, chair, cooker, butterfly etc). She changes them every week, and gets her DD to learn them. I am no expert but I think that the DD is just recognising the word itself rather than reading in the sense of understanding how the letters create a word.

Anyhow...last time I was there she introduced this ‘game’ to me by asking my DS to read the words on that week’s list. My DS is fine at reading so read it easily enough. She then announces loudly that her DD can read them too, and gets DD to recite.

This annoyed me, as it’s unfair to compare children like this (as if it’s a competition) and how awful would DS have felt if he hadn’t been able to read the words and then a 4 year old could have?

I was so surprised that I just stared at her and then said “Well done both DCs”. She then went on about how advanced her child was- in front of the children- and then I just said something about how the early years were all about play and socialising for my DS, but great that she was so happy with her DDs progress. Friend didn’t grasp that I was not engaging her in competition.

How do I manage this better this time? I want to halt any competition before it even starts!

Cancel the date?

If she’s a really good friend and you suspect this is PFB madness, I would try and sustain the friendship by getting together without the kids, or at least meet at a soft play, or similar, where she won’t have a chance to put up labels. Otherwise I would probably drop the friendship.

God that sounds a boring and miserable way to spend a Sunday.. I wouldn’t be going in the first place. How dull.

Oh I’d cancel.

If there was a chance sh could make one of my kids feel shit - I’d swerve her.

Urgh. Disengage. This kind of competitive parenting is just grim.

Fwiw I could read fluently by two. DH is Scandinavian raises and never even went near a book until he was seven, having spent his formative years climbing trees and mucking about in kindergarten.
No difference in reading ability, education or intelligence level. But he has happier memories of early school years!
Ds now being brought up in DHs Home country and we are of course pointing letters out and what have you at Home but in a very casual way, zero pressure or hothouse stuff. Kindergarten here is for civilising them and play.

I’d just look a bit baffled and change the subject every time.

Do you like her and like spending time with her besides this? Because if not.....don't go! She sounds ridiculous. I hate people like this.

See her without children if you want to preserve the friendship. I would have no patience with this nonsense

I'd say something lighthearted like "gosh, I thought we were here to play, not do homework!"

She sounds really tedious.

Oh God this takes me back. Friend of the family was like this, I felt there was something very lacking in her that she projected onto her perfectly nice dd in this way. Worse was that my family started mentioning how far advanced (she thought) her dd was as though their gc was lacking in some way.

Years later, when dd used to go to a friends for tea, she told me that her friend's mother used to go through her school bag and check her reading record to see where she was up to! I thought it was funny that she was saying odd things about her dd being around 6 months younger so she could not be expected to be at a certain level. Why would I care? Why do people do it.

She is doing the same to you. She thinks because her dd can read some words from memory she is 2 1/2 years ahead using your ds as a comparison and feeling smug. Reading is measured on comprehension as well and at that age she will not understand how everything fits together. I would give her a wide berth because she is a seriously competitive bore.

I'd try to nip it in the bud by disengaging. Hopefully you'll have better success than me. Ours are 17 now and she's still doing comparisons

Have a simple game in your bag with you and whip it out?

if it's a nice day, suggest the park?

Acknowledge how clever her child is, as she clearly wants you to, and then move on

Look very eager and say"now it my turn" and read them out

As soon as she gets the list out, get out the remote control and say 'come on kids, let's watch some shit TV'

Unless she has a child genius, it will all even out in the end with the correct schooling and engaged parents.

Best thing you could do is. “Well, yes, I did consider hot housing ds but having read the studies that children even out by 10 (or some similar age, not sure when exactly), I followed the more up to date advice of focusing on his emotional intelligence.” And I’d back it up by doing a bit of googling. Then, when she shows off again. Say, “that’s nice dear” to her and her child.

Talk to your ds that this is what she may do. He’s perhaps a little young to get it yet though. Tell him that her dd has been taught the words so not to worry if he doesn’t know everything because he knows far more than she. Afterall the most important thing in all of this is that your ds doesn’t feel like a dunce.

Or just not meet up.

Iwhen I was growing up I knew a mum like this, she was friends with my mum and me and my brother spent a lot of time with with her kids. It got to the point that every hobbie I did she made her kids do too and they always had to be better. It got so bad even the oldest daughter started being really competitive. She was 2 years younger so naturally I was probably gonna do better. We did Irish dancing which I was better at but had to quit so when she had got ahead of me she quit too, I did disco dancing classes which I was a lot better at and she’d try to bad mouth me to others but no one reall6 cared. One thing I did for years without her joining was scouts until her mum found out I was one of the high ranking ones of course they had to join. Again she couldn’t do better even though her Mum became a helper etc, they were ecstatic when I left and did carry on but I used to think why, I wasn’t even competitive I just did it for fun. I never understand why some people turn everything into a competition. My mum used to find it funny.
The best thing op is that if you generally like the women and the kids get on then carry on but just set her straight that you are not interested in competition and that every kid is different and goes at their own pace.

Fuck that OP. Seriously, I wouldn't go.

I’m becoming increasingly aware that academia is actually not the be end and end all in life. Far better to let your children be curious and discover the world around them than obsess over spellings and numbers. Many, many successful entrepreneurs are less “academic “ because they are street wise and know how the world works, whereas the more academic children go and work for them 😂

Meh. What's the history with this "friend"? Is she just a fair-weather, life-stagey, thrown-together pal or is she a real long termer?
If she's a long termer, tell her to knock it on the head. Tell her your boys doing great but wants his down-time from school etc.

If she's a fair-weather, I'd drift strategically apart.....have a purge, she'll just do your head in.....next thing it'll be schools, homework, tutors all sorts of shit. I have 2 grown up DC's doing A levels at great schools....this kind of parental dross does not help you or your kids up the ladder, trust me.

i would find that behaviour completely annoying, and would be in danger of saying something sarcastic that would ruin the friendship.
A friend of mine is a primary school headteacher. He sends a letter to parents of prospective pupils saying that the things the child needs to be able to do when they get to school are: dress themselves, go to the loo (and take care of themselves), know colours, understand please and thank you. I'm sure there are others, but the point is that they should have social skills - the teachers will take care of the academic stuff.
Ignore your friend, don't respond, and don't join in.

Look very eager and say"now it my turn" and read them out

Mean, but brilliant

I'd call her out on it.

If she tries to involve your child in something again I'd tell her to leave him alone, and if she doesn't, I'd leave.

I can't be doing with that.

There is a school of thought that argues that many words are better learnt by sight than phonetically.

That said, while her approach clearly works for her I would just say that downtime is just that for your kids and you don't want to join in.

Annoying but I wouldn't be horrified. Children compare themselves all the damn time.

I'd spoil the game if I thought it were mean. In a jokey way by being silly like making up huge fake words or hiding the paper as soon as they look while we all giggle.

You don't have to manage this OP, disengage.