Gloaty, smug parent- how do I manage this better?

[Dogjustguffed]

Due to see my friend tomorrow with her DD and my DS. Her DD is nearly 4, my DS is 6 and a half. Friend is obsessed with getting her DD ahead of her peers with reading and numbers. On the other hand, I very much took the view that the preschool years were for socialising and play. My DCs started school counting to 10 and knowing letters/alphabet but that was it!

Last time I was there my friend had written down some random words which are quite long sometimes (things like window, chair, cooker, butterfly etc). She changes them every week, and gets her DD to learn them. I am no expert but I think that the DD is just recognising the word itself rather than reading in the sense of understanding how the letters create a word.

Anyhow...last time I was there she introduced this ‘game’ to me by asking my DS to read the words on that week’s list. My DS is fine at reading so read it easily enough. She then announces loudly that her DD can read them too, and gets DD to recite.

This annoyed me, as it’s unfair to compare children like this (as if it’s a competition) and how awful would DS have felt if he hadn’t been able to read the words and then a 4 year old could have?

I was so surprised that I just stared at her and then said “Well done both DCs”. She then went on about how advanced her child was- in front of the children- and then I just said something about how the early years were all about play and socialising for my DS, but great that she was so happy with her DDs progress. Friend didn’t grasp that I was not engaging her in competition.

How do I manage this better this time? I want to halt any competition before it even starts!

I did lots of phonics with my children before they started school but I never had any urge to do any with visiting children! They were usually running around like mad things with my kids.

HumphreyCobblers

Of course it would be, but is that definitely the case here? The OP feels the friend is being smug and superior, but it's possible she is just getting them to play a game.

Given the circumstances related in the OP it sounds like testing to me.

A game is something fun to do, not reading words from a wall as soon as you walk in the door.

Can you just meet up without the dc?

life is too short. If people make you feel uncomfortable, or feel like crap, or disrespect you... etc. then stop seeing them. It's the number one lesson for my daughters. There's lots of fish / mummies / other people in the sea.

you describe her as a friend, so if she has other redeeming qualities and she really is a good friend, then maybe ignore this behaviour. I have a low tolerance for BS, though!

I would be holding my own 'Shit parent' competition, just for laughs. It usually takes the wind out of competitive parent's sails!

So, she tells you how much her DD can read, tell her 'Oh, I don't allow books in the house, it might teach the kids things and encourage them to rebel'. She says how smart her DD is, you reply 'Oh stupid children are so much easier to manage'. Just be utterly ridiculous. She will either see the error of her ways or decide to part company, either way is a result!

Whip out your own words which of course your son has memorised -
Tedious - Competitive - Laborious - Ambitious - Egotistical :)

See if she takes the hint!

Have your child address her in French. That should shut her up.

I agree with the PP who said to stop the contests straight away when she tries to start one with a comment about not comparing people in front of them because it's really rude, ask her if she'd do that to an adult.

You do need to stop it before it starts though and that includes not biting back with the play theory comments as well. Just point out that it's rude and that the children are not to be tested.

I would avoid going to her house tbh. I think that would make things easier.

If she is a good and long time friend then I would just talk to her about it. I’d call her up beforehand and tell her that you have a favour to ask..... and the favour to ask is that you are really trying to avoid competitive parenting and can she not test or compare your kid and hers. It won’t ever end if you don’t deal with it now. You can be polite about it.

Good lord - you don't get visiting children to play word games at age 4 and 6. Well unless you are the type of parent who rifles through visiting child's book bag to see which biff and chip book they're reading

we've just had parents evening and DD excels in all subjects and has done from a very early age - she isn't allowed to brag or engage in competition due to her twin haveing a severe learning disability and he's very aware of how 'behind' he is ...

So I bump into a parent and ask how things are (generally) and she boasts 'OH my DD is top of the class in every subject - we're so proud'

Now my DD quite quiet and unassuming says 'yes she too of set 3'

The mother had the grace to look embarrassed and leave quickly

Cancel. This isn’t a real friendship by any measure. They are never going to bring you or your dc at happiness

HumphreyCobblers

Different strokes, I suppose. I certainly wouldn't do it if the child didn't want to. But if they didn't seem to mind, it wouldn't occur to me that reading wasn't fun.

Reading books is fun. Reading in a game can be fun.

Reading a list of words taped to a wall as a test isn't fun really.

Sorry, that sounded unnecessarily didactic!

But I absolutely see such a difference between what the friend in the OP did and doing some fun reading activity with a visiting child. Asking a child if they can read some words you have taped to a wall is just about seeing if they know something. Saying 'Hey let's play boggle" is a fun game and something that will give the child a learning experience rather than a testing one.

Make an excuse early morning ...puking or something - buy some valuable time to think this one over. Or just go and have a come home and ask yourself WHY WHY WHY?!

Tbh if it’s a regular thing I would just avoid meeting up with the kids purely because it doesn’t sound like as much fun as play dates where the children play!

I'd take some books and suggest it is more fun to read those than some tedious list, you should take "Baby Brains" and leave it behind. It doesn't trash pushy hot housing, but it does poke fun in it's direction. And ends withbaby brains just wanting his mum for a cuddle

I vote for MummyofLittleDragons suggestion.

Or waiting until the 'words' are unveiled and shouting 'Smithers! Release the hounds!'

I had a friend that did a similar thing but our DCs were the same age, it was very hard because at the time I was having my DS tested for dyslexia and my friend knew this. I found it so hard to keep my mouth shut in front if DCs but once they were out of ear shot I told my friend to never do that again because one day she will come across a child who can do better than her DS and how much it will hurt her and her DS. She felt awful and said sorry she didn't realise what she was doing she was just so proud her DS was advanced in this.
Sorry it was long but maybe your friend may not realise what she's doing, if she does then she's not worth being a friend

mrscampbellblackreturns

We all do different things. If your child came to my house and you or they didn't enjoy themselves, you'd be free not to come back for another visit.

Comparison is divisive. People do it to make themselves feel better because they are not secure enough otherwise.

This behaviour will always make her dd feel not good enough in the end and perversely will set her up for failure. Research shows that children like this don't take risks and plateau and drop off in terms of performance.

Leave her to it and cut all ties.