Gloaty, smug parent- how do I manage this better?

[Dogjustguffed]

Due to see my friend tomorrow with her DD and my DS. Her DD is nearly 4, my DS is 6 and a half. Friend is obsessed with getting her DD ahead of her peers with reading and numbers. On the other hand, I very much took the view that the preschool years were for socialising and play. My DCs started school counting to 10 and knowing letters/alphabet but that was it!

Last time I was there my friend had written down some random words which are quite long sometimes (things like window, chair, cooker, butterfly etc). She changes them every week, and gets her DD to learn them. I am no expert but I think that the DD is just recognising the word itself rather than reading in the sense of understanding how the letters create a word.

Anyhow...last time I was there she introduced this ‘game’ to me by asking my DS to read the words on that week’s list. My DS is fine at reading so read it easily enough. She then announces loudly that her DD can read them too, and gets DD to recite.

This annoyed me, as it’s unfair to compare children like this (as if it’s a competition) and how awful would DS have felt if he hadn’t been able to read the words and then a 4 year old could have?

I was so surprised that I just stared at her and then said “Well done both DCs”. She then went on about how advanced her child was- in front of the children- and then I just said something about how the early years were all about play and socialising for my DS, but great that she was so happy with her DDs progress. Friend didn’t grasp that I was not engaging her in competition.

How do I manage this better this time? I want to halt any competition before it even starts!

By the way, lots of 4-year-olds can actually read well, so it isn't true that the little girl will not be good at reading shorter words, etc. She may well be able to read.

Obviously the mum is annoying, but my approach would be to say her great dds reading is great, maybe play about with reading for a bit, and then move on to doing something else. I would have a similar reaction if the girl learned to ride her bike very young, for instance.

I couldn't spend time with someone like this. I'd alternate between wanting to laugh in her face or chuck my cup of tea over her head. Why subject your ds to it?

What does it matter if the four year old can read well or not? It's not a spectator sport.

I teach Reception and have a friend who had a DS a couple of months after I had DS2. When they went to nursery and began phonics then went to school every get together was peppered with "oooh look what my DS can do now, can your DS2 do it yet?" I'd ignore it and let it go over my head. They're both in Y2 now and they visited recently. DS2 was in his bedroom when they arrived; she went upstairs to say hi with her DS and noticed DS2 reading Harry Potter, came back down and said "well I'm sure my DS would be able to read Harry Potter if he had a teacher for a parent hothousing him". The notion that DS2 simply reads because he loves to read was out of question for her; if anything being a teacher makes me more laid back with hothousing the DC because I believe social and emotional skills and learning are far more important between 3-7.

People like this seem to seek some kind of self-esteem from what their DCs can do, so it's a bit irrational. You can't always argue or point out the madness so either disengage from the friendship or disengage from the competition.

Teach your son 5 words her daughter hasn’t a hope in hell of knowing. When the game starts whip your 5 cards out. That would put a stop to the mothers game I bet.

I'd probably keep my mouth shut and then fester until I no longer felt friendly with her. But I know it's probably better to say something like "Oh, I don't want my son to think learning is about trying to be better than others, but for the pleasure of being able to read, etc.

I’m becoming increasingly aware that academia is actually not the be end and end all in life. Far better to let your children be curious and discover the world around them than obsess over spellings and numbers. Many, many successful entrepreneurs are less “academic “ because they are street wise and know how the world works, whereas the more academic children go and work for them 😂

This. I was extremely talented at dance as a child, and wanted to do it professionally. I was at a level where aged 11 i was very much on track. Secondary school and my parents forced me to drop back as there was no future/it’s very hard to become royal ballet principal, and i should focus on uni.

So i did, and have always regretted it.

My dd is now 14 and has the potential to become a world class athlete. She already has a fair bit of time of school for gb training camps and international comp. i’d be quite happy for her to forget school. School she can always go back in her 20’s and even 30’s, she can’t be competing at sport at that age.

Oh I can't be doing with disablist bragging cunts like that and she is disablist by bragging about her 'perfect' Oxford ready at 4 child. She's wallowing about children who do have a learning disability.
I've only been awake about 2 hours and 3 times already I've used the word cunt.
Now either I've woke up in a fowl mood or Today the cunts are out in their droves.

Thinking about it she sounds rather anxious and ignorant. If she knew anything about reading she'd teach her DD a bit of phonics instead of memorising words. And tbh teaching a 4 yr old a few letter sounds and blending c-a-t wouldn't sound nearly as pushy, lots of preschools do it.

When you have nicely got her to stop being competitive, perhaps have a quiet word about what she's doing and why and the way reading is taught in schools these days.

Nothing wrong with her teaching method at all but plenty wrong with her competitive attitude. Don't let her start that!

Next time she starts, tell your boy he doesn't have to read them out and just very quietly and earnestly go "why do you do this?" to your friend.

And then just wait for an answer.

Oh god i have a friend like this, bangs on about how "advanced" her child is, always tries to make out mine is some kind of thicko in comparison... talks about "well boys aren't as advanced as girls are they". She once said to me when her child was about 8 months old that she had "serious concerns". I asked why... "because she's so advanced shes going to get bored at school and bullied for being so clever"... ...i still laugh about it now

If she knew anything about reading she'd teach her DD a bit of phonics instead of memorising words. And tbh teaching a 4 yr old a few letter sounds and blending c-a-t wouldn't sound nearly as pushy, lots of preschools do it.

Not really. Read this and think about how you read it. You aren't decoding the words phonetically. You are reading by sight. The vast, vast majority of reading is done by sight recognition and phonetic decoding is only ever done a tiny, tiny fraction of a percentage of the time. Think of how many times a year you come across a word you don't know? Four times? Six? Twenty at a push? Compared to the literal millions of words you'd read in that time.

And when you do come across a word you don't recognise you may not be correct if you decode it phonetically as English is an extremely inconsistent language in terms of phonetics. Eg; How do you pronounce "ough?" I can think of at least six ways, some ending in completely out of nowhere sounds "f" and "p" and none ending in a 'gh' sound. Though, through, plough, cough, enough, hiccough.

Phonetic decoding is part of learning to read but it should only be a small part. A rough guide to helping with helping work out a word you don't recognise but ultimately context is key. The best way to teach reading is to read aloud, a lot, with the text visible to the child. Given time nearly all neurotypical will figure it out at their own pace depending on their interest.

I agree Every time she brags change the subject.

I remember my friend banging on about her new boyfriend. What they did last night ect ect. Chapter and verse. I just used to either blank her or change the subject.
--mind you at the time I hadn't had a
bit 'of the other' for a while, so I was probably jealous--

Buckety, it's been done to death on the education boards. There's a reason schools teach reading through phonics and not memorising random lists of words.

buckety, I read literally millions of words cos I'm on mn a lot. Trouble is, mostly it's the words cunt, vipers, aibu, etc

OP! I'd be tempted to be silly. So, cupoftea's (sorry if got username wrong) suggestion, but read the words wrong! Tell the kids you're not very good at reading yet and still practicing

Just thought of something nearly as bad. I once attended a primary school Parent Voice meeting where the headteacher decided to check out the parents in attendance maths ability. So condescending and patronising in the whole way she went about it. She couldn't for the life of her understand why no-one turned up to any more.

I knew her away from the school environment and she simply wasn't a bad person at all. I just think she found it hard changing roles from dealing with 6 year olds to adults. Your friend has also lost her way with this and I am surprised you have been so patient so far.

She sounds reaaaally boring..I wouldn't bother going.

I'm absolutely going to be encouraging my DD to read as soon as she can, but because I think she will enjoy it, not to compete with anyone else. On the other hand, if she can read certain words and is proud of that, I won't be hiding it.

Teach your son 5 words her daughter hasn’t a hope in hell of knowing. When the game starts whip your 5 cards out. That would put a stop to the mothers game I bet.

Brilliant suggestion! (I was about to post the same, but Pizza beat me to it!)

But Pengggwn I bet you won't test visiting children in order to check if your child is superior to them. I think that is what the OP is objecting to.

I would ask ds if he wants to play the game before he starts reading the words.
Then when he hopefully says no just tell your friend e prefers learning at school and playing at home and send him off to play.

Then start talking about TV or something before she carries it on.

And if needs be - leave

HumphreyCobblers

I wouldn't, no, but I might well give them word games to play. Is that definitely testing?

If they are fun games and it occurs naturally that the children want to play, then no it isn't testing.

But if your ulterior motive is to test the children then it would be a bit off, wouldn't it?

If she starts to get this week's list out. Nip it in the bud quick and say 'We're not here to play schools'. If she tries to get her DD to read, say something like 'Give it a rest, she's not a performing seal'. The last one took you by surprise but make sure you don't engage in anymore.