Gloaty, smug parent- how do I manage this better?

[Dogjustguffed]

Due to see my friend tomorrow with her DD and my DS. Her DD is nearly 4, my DS is 6 and a half. Friend is obsessed with getting her DD ahead of her peers with reading and numbers. On the other hand, I very much took the view that the preschool years were for socialising and play. My DCs started school counting to 10 and knowing letters/alphabet but that was it!

Last time I was there my friend had written down some random words which are quite long sometimes (things like window, chair, cooker, butterfly etc). She changes them every week, and gets her DD to learn them. I am no expert but I think that the DD is just recognising the word itself rather than reading in the sense of understanding how the letters create a word.

Anyhow...last time I was there she introduced this ‘game’ to me by asking my DS to read the words on that week’s list. My DS is fine at reading so read it easily enough. She then announces loudly that her DD can read them too, and gets DD to recite.

This annoyed me, as it’s unfair to compare children like this (as if it’s a competition) and how awful would DS have felt if he hadn’t been able to read the words and then a 4 year old could have?

I was so surprised that I just stared at her and then said “Well done both DCs”. She then went on about how advanced her child was- in front of the children- and then I just said something about how the early years were all about play and socialising for my DS, but great that she was so happy with her DDs progress. Friend didn’t grasp that I was not engaging her in competition.

How do I manage this better this time? I want to halt any competition before it even starts!

I had a friend who stopped another friend from doing similar by saying that she was trying to avoid talking about the children in their presence in a way that you would never do with adults. You'd never sit comparing two friends out loud while they sat right beside you.

Friend is obsessed with getting her DD ahead of her peers with reading and numbers.

Friend has issues.

She'll find people like her easily enough. I'd write the friendship off, as you're just there to provide a prop for her to measure her child against.

Nothing wrong with her trying to teach her daughter early but everything wrong with how she went about that 'game' with your ds. I think she must desperately want her child to be seen as bright, which is quite sad for the child. Imagine if they can't live up to that.

in a year or two unless her dd turns out to actually be a genius she will probably look back on that in embarrassment.

Best thing you can do is just say how bright her dd is and isn't she doing well then move swiftly on. If she starts on the games again then just gently say to her that you'd prefer she didn't do that with ds as he finds it embarrassing or something.

Unless she's a rubbish friend anyway of course and if that's the case just don't see her anymore.

Could you just treat it as a cute trick she's got going with her DC? Like if she'd taught her some tunes on the piano that she wanted to show off? There would be a temptation to make a super patronising comment back. "You'll love school friendDC, you learn to read whole stories". Make make a jokey but firm rule about "no testing", "he's not a performing monkey" for your own child.

Change the topic of conversation

My Dads cousin was like this when I was growing up.

I was 18 months older than her daughter but “Emily” was always able to do everything earlier or better than me.

My parents are quite laid back and would roll their eyes, and we would joke about how amazing Emily was, but I found it particularly annoying and often embarrassing. My grandad always called her Nelly after the little house on the prairie character but neither of then got it - I think they just thought it was my Grandads humour.

I clearly remember being totally mortified at my Grandparents house, when I was about 12, the Mother asked me if I’d started my period yet because Emily had! Why would you do that?

I totally agree with the pp that these parents tend to have something lacking that they project onto their DC. They need the validation.

I would be tempted to coach my dc into not engaging. If dc are asked to read or “perform” in some way for this woman, to simply say no thank you if they don’t want to do the activity. Then you can back them up and then change the subject.

I had a friend who was like that, until my mother came with us for coffee... when the reading of "set" words started, my mum just came back with - "oh, well done, that is marvellous - now tell me, what does that word mean?"

She's insecure. She has to boost her DC and therefore herself , this way ( and probably other ways too).

If you think it's affecting your DC don't take him/them. Or don't go.

Otherwise just smile and let her get on with feeding her ego.

She sounds very annoying, the type of parent who used to really annoy me when they went on about how their little darling was fully potty trained by 18 months, as if that really mattered.

I would agree with PPs that soft play or the park. Although she may still boast about how advanced her DD is at climbing or how fast she can run etc.

You could try an approach i've used before. I home educate and people just LOVE randomly testing my dc (why?). If your friend starts trying to test him, i'd step in and ask him if he wants to take part, along the lines of 'ds, would you like to read these words, or would you rather play with the lego.' If he chooses to have a go at reading them, i would be ready to step in and help him and if he appears disheartened by not knowing some of the words, add 'ds excels in , it wouldn't do if we were all the same' then change the activity. This then gives the child a chance to participate if they want, but you are there to support them and it sends a clear message that people have different skills and that's ok.

@cupoteap, that’s brilliant!

Thanks everyone. She’s an old and good friend, she has just gone OTT with the parenting.

You have given me some great ideas on how to manage things and move things on. Next time I think we’ll do neutral territory. She’s also a good enough friend that I will take a deep breath and just say that I don’t think it’s fair to compare children- particularly in front of each other. I think a pp comment about not saying it if you wouldn’t say it to an adult is spot on, and again I think I will set that out if this sort of thing is repeated.

If this happened to my kid, I would use it as an opportunity to discuss what happened with my child, in an age appropriate way of course.

I would have said something like 'friends' DD seems quite a clever girl to have been able to read this words, but her mum spends a lot of time with her to do because she likes it. Some children love learning to read whilst other children love to run a lot and be active, and other children love to do a lot of painting. It's great there are all different types of children. I am very lucky to have a boy like you who is so good at .... How about next time we get together, we do the reading again if friend suggested it as her DD likes it, but then we suggest we do something that you like most like...'

If the friend then said she didn't want to do that activity, I would have the same speech with her, but in a more adult way :)

Good Luck! Beware though of crossing the line and becoming the judgmental alternative smug parent ... the one who is so chilled and laid-back that they would never 'push' their preciousness..!

If you want to rile her up ask her if her daughter has the comprehension behind the words. My daughter could "read" when she started school but if you asked her what she had just read and what it meant she had no idea as she didn't have the comprehension of it. At 6 she could of read Harry potter but not understood a word of it.

I have a similar friend, who did nothing but boast and brag about her precious little DD constantly. In reality, whilst bright, her DD is a precocious, spoilt, spiteful girl, yet my friend ignores all bad behaviour and her DD has become increasingly unbearable. My DS is very good natured and friendly, but playdates with my friend and her DD were no fun at all, so I simply made excuses and suggested that just the friend and I meet up separately for dinner, etc. She even told me that several other people have suggested the same but still doesn't seem to have taken on board that this is undoubtedly down to her constant bragging and lack of control over her DD. Our children do not attend the same school but I know that other parents at her DD's school are also sick of the boasting and competitiveness.

My daughter was reading at nursery and doing basic maths but she was almost non verbal. Some kids do actually enjoy reading and spelling, others are pushed by parents. My daughter has ASD so always struggled with socialising and communicating, maths and reading were her thing and there were probably times where I come across as being ‘that parent’ because I was amazed that a child who could not speak could read and write.

If it annoys you that much then just don’t go.

Quite clearly the child's intelligence wasn't inherited from her

Have a quiet word with her beforehand and say that we all have different parenting styles and children develop at different rates, but would she please not put your DS off learning to read by making him feel inadequate by comparing him to a child 2.5 years younger. Really not fair on your DS.

Cut the list into individual words, turn them face down on the table, take turns in picking them up and reading them...without Mummy.

I am sure 6 will get more right than 4 ( not that it matters) as 4 is simply reciting a list of sounds.

Otherwise, go and get both muddy in the woods climbing trees and pond dipping.

Also you could remind her that, by 7, most of the so-called "advanced" children have been caught up by the so-called "average" children and the "advancement" is no longer noticeable. So not much point in gloating at this stage!

Its sad that parents feel the need to compete. It makes other people feel like they have to keep up or their children will fall behind. I had a very relaxed attitude to homework and reading, until after chatting to a few friends and finding out they are making their kids read every single day and some 30 pages at age 5/6! I rather spend hours in the park, then on home work...so I was very relaxed. But now I have started to make sure we do reading every day or I am worried my dd will fall behind. I would tell your friend honestly like its well done you care about education for your dd, but I would relax a bit as she is so young and learning to socialise and play well with others, getting exercise etc is more important then memorising words.

I was the child whose mother was obsessed with showing me to be 'ahead' of my peers! It was awful. She bought the school exercise books in advance and made us cover the chapters ahead of the rest of the class. My cousins still remember coming to our house during the holidays and being made to write essays.

It did our relationship a lot of damage. I felt forced into this hothouse learning and never felt good enough- if I got 99% in something she wanted to know why it wasn't 100% etc. The playdates with your son could be a source of fun and relief for the little girl!

TBH though OP, it sounds like you’re competing with the whole, “preschool is about socialising and playing” bit. It implies she doesn’t let her child out to play, and that her child is missing out on a beautiful childhood because she’s being kept at home to read. There’s no reason to suggest isn’t enjoying both.

I have a slightly different take on this because you say this is an old and good friend.

If your son is fine at reading, and you have a non-competetive attitude, he is very very unlikely to be hurt by this in any way, even if the 4-year-old does read better than he does. It just really won't bother him for more than a second, as long as you feel the way you do, and he is doing fine in school.

If I were you, it would probably amuse me to mention to the mum how great her daughter's reading is, make her feel good, tell her how great that is, etc. I have met a lot of parents like this because one of my kids went to a specialist music school- so lots of very OTT parents. If you give them what they want, they relax and are usually ok.

Ds now being brought up in DHs Home country and we are of course pointing letters out and what have you at Home but in a very casual way, zero pressure or hothouse stuff. Kindergarten here is for civilising them and play.

I did this with my children, I did include taping the word to the object, a bit like when you are learning a new language. So I had Window on the window, chair on a chair, table on the table, door on door etc. But it wasn't to get them to learn to read but to understand what the object was and it was never enforced.

What schools look for is detail when assessing a child. For example my dd2 on being asked to draw a person at 4 put in details like eyelashes and fingernails. Plus she had great cutting out skills .

Our favourite 'toy' to play with was a big box we made into a house. The two daughters 'decorated' it. Messy, yes! Fun, absolutely. They still remember it even though both were pre school.

I can't abide the competition with children so young. Let them be children I say and socialise.