Gloaty, smug parent- how do I manage this better?

[Dogjustguffed]

Due to see my friend tomorrow with her DD and my DS. Her DD is nearly 4, my DS is 6 and a half. Friend is obsessed with getting her DD ahead of her peers with reading and numbers. On the other hand, I very much took the view that the preschool years were for socialising and play. My DCs started school counting to 10 and knowing letters/alphabet but that was it!

Last time I was there my friend had written down some random words which are quite long sometimes (things like window, chair, cooker, butterfly etc). She changes them every week, and gets her DD to learn them. I am no expert but I think that the DD is just recognising the word itself rather than reading in the sense of understanding how the letters create a word.

Anyhow...last time I was there she introduced this ‘game’ to me by asking my DS to read the words on that week’s list. My DS is fine at reading so read it easily enough. She then announces loudly that her DD can read them too, and gets DD to recite.

This annoyed me, as it’s unfair to compare children like this (as if it’s a competition) and how awful would DS have felt if he hadn’t been able to read the words and then a 4 year old could have?

I was so surprised that I just stared at her and then said “Well done both DCs”. She then went on about how advanced her child was- in front of the children- and then I just said something about how the early years were all about play and socialising for my DS, but great that she was so happy with her DDs progress. Friend didn’t grasp that I was not engaging her in competition.

How do I manage this better this time? I want to halt any competition before it even starts!

Had a friend with a child like this. Super smart private and now...He’s now off to oxford! I was a bit laid back with mine, state schools, they took the old chequered road. Now doing amazebobs.

Thistlebelle

View them in whatever light you like!

Well Peng that answers that pretty definitively.

It makes me sad that parents are like this. I can just picture this sort of person going to see a performance at school and insisting their DC outshone everyone else. I’ve honestly never ever engaged in competitiveness with my DC. They are at the level they are at and I couldn’t care less where other children are.

I have a first in English literature and I am an English teacher in a college so English is very important to me but not to the extent I would pressure my young DC! I have just always made sure to read regularly to them and ensured they have access to lots of different reading material. I go through their school spellings every week and occasionally encourage they practice writing. It’s never a pressured thing as I truly don’t want to zap the fun out of it... it’s important to enjoy learning.

Thistlebelle

Well done.

Apart from anything else it’s not just kids with learning disabilities whose feelings need considered. What about a child who just isnt as bright as their peer group?
Exactly. Not sure what Pengggwn meant by view them how you like. But the point is I think you need to be a bit sensitive.

Think Peng was referring to this
Peng I asked your child’s age because if you DD is only a baby or toddler and you haven’t actually done any proper play dates yet your responses and assumptions should really be viewed in that light

Chathamhouserules

Dear god. I was replying to Thistlebell.

I know that. But I wasn't sure what you me as meant or what it was adding.

Chathamhouserules

I wasn't replying to you, so it didn't need to add anything to you. But I suggest you re-read the thread and all will become perfectly clear. If you are suggesting I am making some sort of vile comment about less intelligent children, I'm not. Hope that helps.

The parent is very insecure. I would ask if they had a particular problem at the moment, try to say it in an ultra concerned way. ` Is there something upsetting you, I can't help but noticing how stressed you seem? Do you need to talk about it?' See what happens.

My neighbour had a baby boy 4 months before my boy/girl twins were born. She said that he would always be more clever than my twins as he was 4 months older and in the school above them!!

The kids have all left school now - my son has 3 A'levels and a good job which will give him fantastic work prospects for life, my daughter has 4 A'levels and is at uni reading Psychology - my friends son has a job where he picks food items for a supermarket transportation department.

Life doesn't always turn out as you think when the children are young!

DDs classmate all the way through juniors and now senior schools has always been one or two marks ahead of her. On rare occasions my DD has scored higher this young lady goes into fits of tears - she absolutely hates 'losing' it's awful to watch. There more to being a member of society than your spelling ability at 4 years old!

I couldn't even tell you what my ability was at 4!

Okay OP, it's good that you've got boundaries regarding this type of behaviour and that your respective kids had fun on their play date this time. I don't think that you're being overly sensitive. Many parents have had this type of behaviour to some extent. What opened my eyes was working with kids with moderate to severe learning difficulties; kids who will never be able to work, have a number of physical disabilities and who will always need 24 hour, 7 day a week care.

When I looked at my two, I realised that they were fortunate enough to be able to work when they're older (now), live an independent life and do the things they would like to do. Seeing what I saw at the time made me relax considerably and inform any pushy parents that as long as the child has health and contentment, can do the basics, then it really didn't matter.

I have a friend who's always doing this - I usually just smile sweetly and say "That's great he's so advanced - he'll be smoking and drinking by the time he's 8!"

The most unpleasant thing about this thread is all the people telling tales of families getting their comeuppance... kids who learn to read early but end up failing their A levels...kids who get great degrees but end up depressed, unemployed and single at 45...

How does any of this make anyone feel better?

There are just as many people on here (and in life) feeling superior because their wonderful balanced parenting has created children who are better than Tiger-Mom's children, as their are parents who have a tendency to brag about their toddler's mathematical prowess.

Surely, we are all bowled over by our own children's wonderfulness, and we all try (often successfully and with little effort) to enjoy the wonderfulness of other people's kids.

Equally obviously everything doesn't "even out" in the end. Some kids are more academically successful than others; some grown ups are happier than others. There isn't much rhyme or reason to any of it.

Surely - all we want is for our children to be happy - in whatever form that takes?

ellieboo9

How does any of this make anyone feel better?

When your child had been on the receiving end of this crap for years you'll understand

That child always star performer in the plays that child who always speaks in assemblies that child who always wins the medals and trophies

The most unpleasant thing about this thread is all the people telling tales of families getting their comeuppance

I think there's a strong thread of snobbery to it. You do occasionally meet people with successful academic backgrounds who then set-to hot-housing their children. But my entirely unscientific gut feel is that parents who do that sort of hot-housing are disproportionately likely to be people who didn't have a great academic experience themselves, but want their children to have the opportunities they regret not having themselves. From an outside perspective, that can look misguided, but the instinct is laudable: it's just that the execution is perhaps not always sensible.

If you think your life would have been been better had you studied subject X to level Y, it's tempting to think your child's life would be as well, and because you didn't study subject X to level Y, your attempts to encourage it might look foolish to people who did. That's often snobbery.

And more to the point, if the concern is about life chances and money, it's easy to say "oh, so long as my child is happy" if you've got a spare hundred grand to sort the mess out when they're 25 and need to do another course. If you haven't, the urge to ensure your child "succeeds" first time is going to be much stronger.

There's a strong air of sneering at people who say "serviette" to the whole thing.

Euuuugh, I know a mother like this, yesterday she was banging on about how her 3 year old wouldn't be going to the same preschool as mine as she was clearly too advanced & would only be bored with the others.....
Same mum always so competitive, is the same with our older dc, it's draining, she should be thankful her kids are thriving. My kids are thriving, I'm happy but I certainly would never compare to another child. I have actually just posted a thread about my experience with said mum, what is wrong with these people?!! Also dad's can be just as bad if not worse.. A saturday morning down at the footie will prove this..

I would tell her you will not discuss the DCs in their hearing. This was a thing when mine were growing up, often denigrating, so about how hard their lives are, as mums, because DCs do this that or the other. How bad the school is because DC isn't learning anything etc etc.

So then she can boast to you and you can just put it to the back of your mind and pity the little girl.

We knew someone like this when I was a child. No matter what I did or said, her daughter was better. She constantly bragged about her and her daughter was even morally superior to me. When my Mum joked that i was sighing after Morton Harkett from Aha, she declared, "My Isabelle would never do that, she is too busy studying, doesn't even know boys exist!" I hated poor Isabelle, through no fault of her own when we were teenagers. Turns out that Mummy was piling on the pressure behind closed doors as well and would get quite abusive if Isabelle's grades and behaviour were anything less than A+. As soon as she could, Isabelle moved to Spain, went LC with her mother and developed real friendships for the first time in her life. She is now married and has children similar in age to my own and is very happy. I feel ashamed for not wanting to be her friend when we were young, as looking back on it, her mother's constant bragging made her very isolated. Every one assumed she was a much of pain as her mother when she was just a very lonely, unhappy little girl who wanted to have friends and be able to act her age, instead of studying constantly and being dragged to endless after school classes and being told she couldn't go to parties and sleep overs because she was 'better' than those children (she told me all this when we got a pissed one night). Parents should let their kids be themselves and keep their fingers crossed that as adults they have happy lives. You can't MAKE it happen.

Although, I do get on at my kids to study hard and do the best they can - I don't leave everything up to fate!

Is it any wonder that childhood anxiety and depression is so prevalent these days?!