Gloaty, smug parent- how do I manage this better?

[Dogjustguffed]

Due to see my friend tomorrow with her DD and my DS. Her DD is nearly 4, my DS is 6 and a half. Friend is obsessed with getting her DD ahead of her peers with reading and numbers. On the other hand, I very much took the view that the preschool years were for socialising and play. My DCs started school counting to 10 and knowing letters/alphabet but that was it!

Last time I was there my friend had written down some random words which are quite long sometimes (things like window, chair, cooker, butterfly etc). She changes them every week, and gets her DD to learn them. I am no expert but I think that the DD is just recognising the word itself rather than reading in the sense of understanding how the letters create a word.

Anyhow...last time I was there she introduced this ‘game’ to me by asking my DS to read the words on that week’s list. My DS is fine at reading so read it easily enough. She then announces loudly that her DD can read them too, and gets DD to recite.

This annoyed me, as it’s unfair to compare children like this (as if it’s a competition) and how awful would DS have felt if he hadn’t been able to read the words and then a 4 year old could have?

I was so surprised that I just stared at her and then said “Well done both DCs”. She then went on about how advanced her child was- in front of the children- and then I just said something about how the early years were all about play and socialising for my DS, but great that she was so happy with her DDs progress. Friend didn’t grasp that I was not engaging her in competition.

How do I manage this better this time? I want to halt any competition before it even starts!

I would be seeing less of her tbh, I can't stand parents like that, I had to delete a school mum from Facebook, as she just kept gloating, I was fed up of reading it on a regular basis.

Peng if you’d set out a word game for my DD aged six you would have destroyed her.

She’s a highly intelligent, highly articulate child. Bright and outwardly confident.

She’s also extremely dyslexic,

But you wouldn’t know. Because she is very private about it and has chosen not to discuss it with her friends.

Her brother was reading before school and is currently reading about 7 years ahead of his age.

Whether a child can read well can have very little to do with how much work the parents put in or how “engaged” the child is with learning.

If you’d showed her up in public in front of her peers you would have undone months of work by her teachers and myself.

It would be cruel, really really cruel. Please don’t ever use overtly educational games on play dates.

Apart from anything else children on play dates don’t need structured play. They need time to use their imaginations, form relationships and play freely.

This thread had made me really quite cross.

OP in your circumstances I’d have put a stop to the game immediately.

Your friend’s lack of judgement and compassion will potentially cause her to hurt some other child in future. I’d put her straight now.

Thistlebelle

That could apply to any activity, any particular need or disability. If your child has those needs, please tell me when you organise their attendance at my home. It isn't my fault if, otherwise, the perfectly standard games my child plays aren't suitable for or upset your child. Take some responsibility and inform people about what she needs.

What your friend did was just nasty

I admit I like to encourage my DD and set her similar tasks, but I would never make my friends children do that and we certainly don't do that sort of thing with friends.

Friends are there to play and have fun.

the teachers will take care of the academic stuff.

I'm astounded that people have such blind faith in the school system, particularly given the ongoing and worsening problems with illiteracy and innumeracy.

when l was in this situation my son had no interest in anything except Thomas the Tank and Alfie and Annie Rose - read to him with all the voices and he would know if you shortened it. Friends and family were yaking on and l would ignore any comparisons. It was good training because my son found reading and writing difficult but hid it with a good memory. Everyone's children was getting scholarships etc etc we were just pleased he went to normal school. Pitying looks from family members when our son had an educational assessment and then had appropriate extra help that the primary school felt unable to provide, which we did. Eye brows were raised when he passed an entrance test and when he didn[t get a million a stars at gcse's - "do you think it was worth paying all that money for his education ?" Then some of the opinionated people had problems with their own kids so little was said and now the heat was off and more than awry smile from us. He is now 30 and in terms of profession, educational attainment, finance, travel and life experience he has beaten them all. My son was a tortoise but he went to university, after a gap year abroad, and just "flew" So keep the play date because this "competition" lasts until they leave home with a job and home of their own. Just smile, "really " alot , listen and offer no comment one way or the other.

Your friend’s lack of judgement and compassion will potentially cause her to hurt some other child in future.

How is the reading 'game' any more hurtful than having two children play, for example, a physical game when one is clearly more co-ordinated or athletic than the other?

Chrys2017

I am too, but not because I think schools aren't doing everything they can to address it. I think the issue is the plainly false dichotomy parents are increasingly drawing between "fun" and "reading". Reading IS fun, for lots of children. If you look at books like they're the equivalent of watching paint dry, however, your child isn't going to be able to access that fun.

Could have not could of.

Just be honest? “I like spending time with you and dd but it frustrates me when I feel that you’re trying to compare the two children”.

She will either acknowledge and change her behaviour, or not change in which case you know to drop the friendship.

Sorry, had to chime in on the bit about 'taking responsibility and inform people about what she needs' re your child. Sometimes parents (and children) are still trying to figure out what the hell's going on with their child. I have many friends who have only had a diagnosis of dyslexia when aged around 9 or 10 (or later, which these days is a little shocking). Plus many children also have diagnoses of ASN after the age of 5 or 6. Younger than that, it's sometimes really hard to tell what is going on because kids are still developing. So please be aware that sometimes people don't know what the heck's going on and therefore can't 'take responsibility' about what it is that stresses their child out (and girls I think are sometimes extra good about hiding those stresses, and turning inwards). If a child doesn't want to engage sometimes it might not be just about them not enjoying the play date, but finding the whole thing just too much. By all means introduce ideas of what activities to do on a play date, but let the kids lead with whether they do it or not - don't put them on the spot.

She'll soon learn when her kid starts school! Just nod and smile for now.

Just tell her no ...you don't want your son thnking he has s judged by stuff like that.

Pengggwn I agree. I've witnesed first-hand the joy a pre-school child can get out of a visit to the library or a half-hour spent on his own reading a book to himself.
There also seems to be an implied message that learning of any kind isn't fun and is something that should only be done in school.

This style of parenting can backfire. I had a friend whose Dd was friends with mine from the age of 7. Her girl was bright ( and beautiful and funny) but had been told that she was gifted from birth, stratospheric IQ sort of bright. Endless unflattering comparisons made with the other kids in the class who couldn't read Sanskrit ( really) like her Dd. By age 9 the girl had plateaued and was pretty much on a level with her peers but her mum wouldn't let up with nagging the teachers for special 'enrichment' for her Dd. Long story short, the girl could take no more and ran off to live with her laid-back dad. Sad to say she is now off the rails and is a hell-raising school refuser. It's genuinely sad as she was a great kid.

I think you handled it perfectly. I deal with many parents who suffer from PFB syndrome. I just do not engage and move the conversations on...

NumptyMum

And I completely understand that, but not knowing a child's needs and putting out standard games and toys - yes, even when some involve reading or co-ordination or concentration, or any other thing the other child could be experiencing difficulties with - does not make me cruel. If my child has fun playing word games, I will suggest words games on a play date, as well as other things they enjoy and the other child might enjoy. There is nothing wrong with that. If the other parent knows their child can't be offered a particular activity, they should tell me. If they don't, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I won't be ruling out normal things my child enjoys doing on the off-chance someone is going to be very upset.

I have a friend like this. She is a good friend and a good person but she is very competitive and I think part of it is that she had a rubbish childhood and wants more for her child than she feels she has achieved.

If you know her well can you think of any reasons she may be like this?

Pour yourself a massive glass of wine ...... the tell her how you really feel.

No-one is saying learning isn't fun, it is just the insecure parents who take the joy and camaraderie out of ordinary interactions by insisting on being competitive. If you want a competition check with your guests/friends that they want to take part, otherwise it is rude and obnoxious.

Hosting is about being welcoming, what is welcoming about giving your guests and their children the academic third degree because of your own insecurities?

Mmm...she sounds incredibly insecure!
I would politely point out that you have opposing views on this matter - that you are very much in accordance with the Scandinavian way of educating children I.e it is all about play/discovery etc before the age of 7 (I understand that this method promotes healthier minded children and they end up far more ahead than Uk kids despite starting school much later).
It's a matter of just respecting each other's strong views without trying to 'put' upon he other (if that makes sense?).

Chrys2017

Except, that is, when the 'learning' is 'unstructured'. Everyone on MN seems happy for their child's first ten years of education to be spent learning the names of sticks and leaves, observing gravity in action and 'discovering' food. God forbid anyone ever reads a book!

Pengggwn – no worries, I think having lots of options available is fine, and I'm not suggesting you would be being cruel for having options that include reading or writing. But I do remember instances where I felt very judged as a parent when my DS was little, and it was only later that we had a diagnosis for Aspergers that made a whole lot of things make sense – we had no idea before then, and on the whole neither did the other parents. It still sticks in my craw some of the comments I had to deal with at that time, so I tend to be a bit sensitive about the idea of parents 'taking responsibility' when they might still have no idea what is the cause of stress for their child, and no strategies to manage it yet...

(and for what it's worth, both my kids are now avid readers: the hardest thing is to get them outside doing any other activity!).

How clever a child is doesnt necessarily have bearing on their intelligence as an adult. As a child I was quite clever, didn't revise for exams (because I thought it was boring) and still did really well. Since I have had children I find myself becoming more stupid! Lol. Lots of successful and intelligent adults didn't do well at school - Richard Branson has dyslexia