Gloaty, smug parent- how do I manage this better?

[Dogjustguffed]

Due to see my friend tomorrow with her DD and my DS. Her DD is nearly 4, my DS is 6 and a half. Friend is obsessed with getting her DD ahead of her peers with reading and numbers. On the other hand, I very much took the view that the preschool years were for socialising and play. My DCs started school counting to 10 and knowing letters/alphabet but that was it!

Last time I was there my friend had written down some random words which are quite long sometimes (things like window, chair, cooker, butterfly etc). She changes them every week, and gets her DD to learn them. I am no expert but I think that the DD is just recognising the word itself rather than reading in the sense of understanding how the letters create a word.

Anyhow...last time I was there she introduced this ‘game’ to me by asking my DS to read the words on that week’s list. My DS is fine at reading so read it easily enough. She then announces loudly that her DD can read them too, and gets DD to recite.

This annoyed me, as it’s unfair to compare children like this (as if it’s a competition) and how awful would DS have felt if he hadn’t been able to read the words and then a 4 year old could have?

I was so surprised that I just stared at her and then said “Well done both DCs”. She then went on about how advanced her child was- in front of the children- and then I just said something about how the early years were all about play and socialising for my DS, but great that she was so happy with her DDs progress. Friend didn’t grasp that I was not engaging her in competition.

How do I manage this better this time? I want to halt any competition before it even starts!

Is it any wonder that childhood anxiety and depression is so prevalent these days

nice... my DD has anxiety, another thing that we can be blamed for.

KrustyKittens that's lovely that you know have a friendship with Isabelle.

We know a mother who would invite kids to her house for a playdate every Friday afternoon, line them up (yes, actually lined up) and interrogated them on their Friday test scores. The awful thing was that her DD wasn't particularly academic, and so the mother went out of her way to invite the children she perceived as not being as bright. I heard about a couple of occasions where some of the visiting children burst into tears because they had got low scores, and that vile woman was doing it just so that she could feel better about her own daughter.

KrustyKittens that's lovely that you know have a friendship with Isabelle.

We know a mother who would invite kids to her house for a playdate every Friday afternoon, line them up (yes, actually lined up) and interrogated them on their Friday test scores. The awful thing was that her DD wasn't particularly academic, and so the mother went out of her way to invite the children she perceived as not being as bright. I heard about a couple of occasions where some of the visiting children burst into tears because they had got low scores, and that vile woman was doing it just so that she could feel better about her own daughter.

KrustyKittens that's lovely that you know have a friendship with Isabelle.

We know a mother who would invite kids to her house for a playdate every Friday afternoon, line them up (yes, actually lined up) and interrogated them on their Friday test scores. The awful thing was that her DD wasn't particularly academic, and so the mother went out of her way to invite the children she perceived as not being as bright. I heard about a couple of occasions where some of the visiting children burst into tears because they had got low scores, and that vile woman was doing it just so that she could feel better about her own daughter.

KrustyKittens that's lovely that you know have a friendship with Isabelle.

We know a mother who would invite kids to her house for a playdate every Friday afternoon, line them up (yes, actually lined up) and interrogated them on their Friday test scores. The awful thing was that her DD wasn't particularly academic, and so the mother went out of her way to invite the children she perceived as not being as bright. I heard about a couple of occasions where some of the visiting children burst into tears because they had got low scores, and that vile woman was doing it just so that she could feel better about her own daughter.

KrustyKittens that's lovely that you know have a friendship with Isabelle.

We know a mother who would invite kids to her house for a playdate every Friday afternoon, line them up (yes, actually lined up) and interrogated them on their Friday test scores. The awful thing was that her DD wasn't particularly academic, and so the mother went out of her way to invite the children she perceived as not being as bright. I heard about a couple of occasions where some of the visiting children burst into tears because they had got low scores, and that vile woman was doing it just so that she could feel better about her own daughter.

KrustyKittens that's lovely that you know have a friendship with Isabelle.

We know a mother who would invite kids to her house for a playdate every Friday afternoon, line them up (yes, actually lined up) and interrogated them on their Friday test scores. The awful thing was that her DD wasn't particularly academic, and so the mother went out of her way to invite the children she perceived as not being as bright. I heard about a couple of occasions where some of the visiting children burst into tears because they had got low scores, and that vile woman was doing it just so that she could feel better about her own daughter.

A girl in DDs class was allowed to invited friends over for play dates on Fridays but only if she and invitees received 10/10 on their spelling tests

Caused an awful lot of tears all round

Oops, sorry!!

And there was me thinking I was suddenly popular! Awful story, Beryl. My DH used to cover a junior league football club and he was horrified at the way grown men would scream and shout abuse at eight year old children playing football. There is nothing wrong with being supportive and proud of your children but in Isabelle's case it became abuse and it destroyed her childhood. I think when parents get to the stage that they are comparing children within earshot, a strong word needs to be had. Isabelle's mother might have thought she was creating the perfect child but now she has no relationship at all with her daughter. It's very sad and her daughter will probably struggle with the issues she created all her life. I know she tries very hard not to behave like her mother around her own children.

Green and other parents allowed their kids to participate in that nonsense?

GreenTulips My kids are 22,19,and 16... I have been through the whole thing and come out the other end.

Green and other parents allowed their kids to participate in that nonsense?

It stopped when realised there was a criteria element!!

The mum thought she was 'encouraging her DD to do well'

Funny she had very little return invites with that attitude

Gosh, Peng, my child would come to your place to play with your child - not to play with your child and you! How tedious to be presented with word games along with a super invested host parent on a simple playdate.

And you actually plan and prepare games for that? I didn't know anyone did that. I've never, ever encountered a parent that prepares and I have lots of children, mostly privately educated.

Strange.

OP - you did the right thing. Your friend is either exceptionally insecure or genuinely thinks she has a child prodigy on her hands. In the early years, my highest achieving children (very gifted) could read no better than my lowest achieving child (to the point of needing specialist help) and they were behind classmates on pretty much everything. I didn't push any of these things on the clever ones (I didn't know they were clever then) and by around 9/10 they'd fully caught up/surpassed the 4 year old super readers with ease and love reading for pleasure now.

All those years those stressed children were forced to jump through hoops, recite sounds, numbers etc, compete with others appear to have been a complete waste. I would say that the one exception to this is the times tables which absolutely must be learnt as everything in maths hangs off this.

I have a friend like this, maybe not this bad but constantly pushing for her son to be advanced. He was in his own room at 12 weeks old. He rolled over at 16 weeks. There’s other things. He’s 14 months now. I never understood why she was like this, until I met all her family at the little boy’s christening. I had met most of them but this was extended family etc, and I had DD with me who was 3 months old. Her grandmother took DD off me immediately and ignored my friend’s little boy, and said “why didn’t you have a nice quiet little girl? That’s what you wanted!” DD was just asleep! But I suddenly saw how critical her family were of everything even down to things she had absolutely no control over such as her child’s sex! It made me sad she felt so pressured to impress her family.
With my friend I just smile it off and act impressed because I know it doesn’t actually affect me but it makes her feel better. Your friend sounds insecure and probably a little sad deep down.

The mother here sounds OTT so well done on setting a clear boundary.

In terms of preparing in advance, if as Peng says, she has a couple of options based on what her child enjoys and what she thinks others might enjoy but is happy to ultimately be led by what the kids want to do why is this an issue? Fair enough no-one wants regimented play but this sounds more like having a couple of back ups should the kids want it.

Funny she had very little return invites with that attitude

I bet Green poor kid.

And you actually plan and prepare games for that? I didn't know anyone did that

Snork I believe that Peng’s DD is still quite little and therefore she hasn’t in reality done any play dates of the kind we’re discussing yet.

Ah right ok, thank you Thistle :)

Anything you can do better than “gloaty Mum”? Why not challenge her to an arm wrestle next time and then laugh it off!

Hi All - your help has