AIBU to feel uncomfortable being separated from baby

[GrumpyPantz]

I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby. Even then 30 mins is about my max until I want her back in my arms. I'm just about at the point where I can stand to have my mother hold her for 10 minutes. When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back. AIBU?

Imo she's too young to be away from me for any period of time. DH wants to take her out for 3-4 hours by himself and is calling me selfish because I said no. He took her out once before and I felt weepy and stressed, and after a bit I started repeatedly calling his mobile because I wanted my baby back NOW. He keeps saying she's his child as well and I can't make him understand how every fibre of my being screams out when my baby is more than a few feet away from me.

Am I selfish? AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?

She is very young still but I think your reaction is a bit over the top. Are you anxious in general?

Work with your DH. He is her dad and he loves her too. But explain how you feel. Ask him to try to understand and allow you to work up to it slowly.

Have you got a health visitor? Can you talk to her. It could be a sign of post natal depression. My sister was the same. Really struggled letting anyone hold her DC. It later transpired she had PND.

You do seem to be over-anxious OP and that's coming from a Mother who never left hers with a babysitter till they were about 8!

My DH was "allowed" to take ours for a few hours whenever he wanted! I knew they were safe with him and they're his too....neither were breastfed so it was fine.

You can't really say no to their own Dad...it's not on. You can work with him to work out why you're so worried.

Yes YABU.

It’s been 2 months since the baby was born. This issue isn’t about the baby’s safety or security - you know she will be fine with her Dad. It’s about you and your feelings. You have a relationship with your husband and mother as well as with your DD. You can’t and shouldn’t let everything else fall by the wayside. I’d be extremely upset with you if I were your DH, and a bit fed up (although wouldn’t say it necessarily) if I were your DM.

You know what, it's fine to feel the way you do.

It's perfectly natural because your baby is so young and you feel you are the only one who can comfort her, soothe her and make her feel safe.

This will pass.

I think you shouldn't deny yourself and take your baby back whenever you feel like it. That will help you regain a sense of control and help you develop more confidence.

If people start insisting that they carry on holding the baby, then that is wrong. You are still raging with hormones.

I am a firm believer in totally indulging new parents. Let them have things their way because it is their world that has completely changed and they are trying to find their way through it.

I felt the same, op. People refused to give me my first baby back and I wasn't assertive enough to take him back. I was miserable. With my second baby, I took charge and took her back whenever she was crying in someone else's arms. And soothes her.

You might be anxious but you'll work your way through it.

I used to feel like that when my kids were babies. It felt like a very primal response, but I think it was also linked to breastfeeding in my case. If I was apart for very long, I'd have a letdown and feel very physically uncomfortable, and in one case got mastitis.

It's true that he's her dad and needs to develop his own relationship with her, but at 2 months old, I don't really see how she will benefit from being separated from her mum for hours at a time. When she's older, there will be plenty of time for that. You're a family-why not do things together, in the meantime?

I’m sorry OP but this level of anxiety doesn’t sound quite right. Are you breastfeeding? My husband wouldn’t have taken our daughter for that long when she was that age because she was completely reliant on me for feeding and wouldn’t take bottles, so I would understand if that’s your scenario.

It’s natural to want to soak in all of those precious newborn cuddles but I wouldn’t say it’s normal to not want her to be held by others for more than 10 minutes. You seem quite anxious so perhaps you should talk to your HV or GP just to check for PND.

Wants well she won't benefit from not spending any time with her Dad either! My Dad was the one who brought me up for the first 5 months of my life as my Mother was very ill in hospital.

I'm fine....it won't hurt the baby to be with her Dad and that's key here.

It's not ok to refuse a parent access to their own child.

I don't think YABU. I was like this to a degree with my DD who is now 6 months old. However, over the last couple of months the intensity of it has lessened. I think it's maybe a protective mechanism for baby and hormonal on Mums part. I think if it was ongoing when baby was 1+ maybe it could be a problem but at 2 months old I really don't think so

I felt the same way. I don't know if it's normal or not, but I just went with it. I am not an anxious or worried type but it felt like a primal response. It abated around 12 weeks I think.

I think for some women this is normal. There is some primal instinct that kicks in - I couldn't even sleep at first unless I could touch my babies. Although as they wouldn't sleep either unless held it worked out ok
In my experience with 3 ebf babies this need to be near starts lessening at about 12 weeks.

Ooh xpost

Yes YABU. You need to work on this as your DH has as much right to parent as you do. Imagine if he were acting like this and how you'd feel. You are pushing him away. I do understand your feelings and remember well how weepy I felt in the first week or two when DH insisted I took some time off and slept for a few hours, but it's been 2 months now so it is unusual and unreasonable to act like this.

I am EBF and whenever my baby whimpers I have an urge to snatch her back and put my nipple in her mouth. She's big and I have a lot of milk, so much that she sometimes pulls off when I have a let-down and it squirts across the room. She feeds frequently which has led other family members to complain that the amount she's feeding is preventing them from holding her. It makes me feel like they're accusing me of feeding her just to stop them holding her, which isn't true (though it is a convenient side effect).

One of the main reasons I don't feel comfortable with DH taking the baby for a few hours is because I know he'll take her to see MIL, who I'm not on speaking terms with. It makes me upset to think of that awful woman holding my baby. I tolerated a rare visit from her in hospital after the birth and she hung onto a crying baby for 20 minutes because she wanted to hold her, despite both myself and DH asking her to hand the baby back because she was signalling that she wanted to be fed. I keep thinking of my baby crying while being hung onto by that horrible witch and I don't want DH to take her to visit.

She feeds frequently which has led other family members to complain that the amount she's feeding is preventing them from holding her

Charming people, that your relatives are upset that your baby's hunger is interfering with their want to cuddle her....

MIL sounds terrible. Why is your DH taking your baby to visit mil when she is unsupportive of you? He should be trying to foster a positive relationship between mil and you, not taking baby to her behind your back.

YANBU it’s nature. That little baby is relying on you for survival and your body is responding to her needs.
Listen to your instincts, not your husband.
Your MIL sounds awful, don’t be bullied into placating her while she behaves like this.

She isn't refusing access to her dh. She would just rather he didn't take the baby away from the house.

Op, that's fine.

Your mil needs to realise that your and your baby come as a package and if she wants to see her then she's had better be polite and considerate of your preferences.

That's how it works. GPs are very much secondary at this stage.

YADNBU.

Your DH needs to respect your feelings. However the witch (and I know how you feel) is a grand mother to your baby.. Put a time limit on it, let them have their time and don't let it bother you, you relax when they are gone. It will be hard, but worth it.

YABU

YANBU if that’s how you feel.

The ‘having a hold’ stage of a baby is so very short and very soon people won’t be remotely interested in holding the baby!

Don’t worry!

Sounds like the fact your mil would give your baby back has left you anxious. Explain to DH. Invite mil to yours but wear baby in a sling. You need to find a way of reducing your anxiety. Speak to your HV who might have some useful suggestions

"Am I selfish? AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?"

Yes. Extremely.

If you always treat and see him as the secondary parent then that's what he'll become.

I felt exactly the same as you with my first born; looking back I think I had what might be termed ‘baby blues’ which never really became pnd.

My well meaning but not always self aware husband knew I needed rest and used to take my baby to see his mother. Twelve years later I found out that she had been giving my exclusively breast fed pfb bottles of formula. If I had known at the time I might have killed her, with the benefit of hindsight, the fact we have a generally good relationship and by looking at my healthy, happy 12 year old ds I managed to find it in my heart to forgive them both.

The feelings you have will pass but protectiveness towards newborns is such a primal instinct it can be hard to overcome. As others have said talk to your hv and your husband about how you cope when you feel the way you do.

I don't really understand how the father anyone can take the baby for hours at a time if she is being EBF.

I know I took my dgd out at that age for about an hour to give dd some time to herself, but no longer.

YANBU, I can relate. I'm 100% exactly like this OP.

Thank you Cobblers, I've found your posts incredibly soothing to read!

AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older

Yes, definitely.

I can't relate to any of your post. Seems way OTT to me but it's this that seems most worrying.