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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel uncomfortable being separated from baby

264 replies

GrumpyPantz · 06/04/2018 02:41

I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby. Even then 30 mins is about my max until I want her back in my arms. I'm just about at the point where I can stand to have my mother hold her for 10 minutes. When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back. AIBU?

Imo she's too young to be away from me for any period of time. DH wants to take her out for 3-4 hours by himself and is calling me selfish because I said no. He took her out once before and I felt weepy and stressed, and after a bit I started repeatedly calling his mobile because I wanted my baby back NOW. He keeps saying she's his child as well and I can't make him understand how every fibre of my being screams out when my baby is more than a few feet away from me.

Am I selfish? AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?

OP posts:
FreshHorizons · 06/04/2018 08:32

Good grief AnnieAnoniMouser I am glad that you are not my mother!

BlondeB83 · 06/04/2018 08:33

It sounds like that early experience with your awful MIL has had a profound effect. It will pass but I do understand your feelings with regards to her!

KoshaMangsho · 06/04/2018 08:35

Also if you shove a boob in at every whimper how is DH ever supposed to help with settling the baby or even at night? I do have some friends like you who found the separation unnaturally difficult and did the whole ‘boob every opportunity’ thing. At 8-9 months they were on their knees with exhaustion and DH couldn’t do anything because the baby would scream blue murder etc. And this is quite a common story on MN.

So it’s fine to be hormonal and possessive but do think of the consequences of your actions.

DeltaG · 06/04/2018 08:35

@Grandmaswagsbag

Honestly, you are talking cobblers with your 'fatherly pride'. A quick google search shows the results; oxytocin in fathers promotes bonding with the child and spending time with the child stimulates oxytocin production and release in a positive feedback loop.

FreshHorizons · 06/04/2018 08:36

I am at a loss to know why people have a child with a man they can't trust 100% with a baby. The best thing for the baby is loving parents who love and trust each other- not someone who is going to be called a shelfish prat because he would like to be an involved parent.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/04/2018 08:36

Feb2018mumma

This sounds dreadful. Personally I would stop visiting his parents until they and your husband can respect your ds’s boundaries. For your dh must step in and he isn't. A crying baby should be handed back to their mother at this age (or father etc). It isn’t about anyone’s time/turn.

Much as I said op should try to start being ok with her dh take the baby for a short walk/to bond, it shouldn’t be at the expense of the child. Dh used to take dd out in the pram with the dog for a short walk when she had a nap after her feed. This is the sort of thing I was talking about. Not prising a child away from their mother.

DeltaG · 06/04/2018 08:39

@Grandmaswagsbag

What about mothers whose instinct is not to give her baby life-saving medicine? Should we encourage her to ignore science and follow her motherly instincts too??

Annette1234 · 06/04/2018 08:40

What you are feeling is perfectly normal for a bf baby.

There is a bond that is like no other and unless you have bf you don’t know want it’s like.

Sorry if that offends people but it’s the truth!

I have had 4 children and felt exactly the same as you with all off them.

Sounds like you are doing a fab job!

Teachervoice · 06/04/2018 08:41

@Annette1234 are you suggesting that formula fed babies don't have the same bond with their mothers?

coffeeforone · 06/04/2018 08:42

YABU re not wanting DH to hold baby for more than 30 mins.

YANBU re taking her out for hours when you are EBF. That clearly won’t work.

As long as you are close by if baby needs fed then others should be able to hold the baby, especially the baby’s father for as long as he wants.

LittleLionMansMummy · 06/04/2018 08:42

Equal parenting can fuck off for a few more months

By which time the baby is a lot more aware and you've created a situation in which separation from Mummy is even harder - for everyone.

paniconthestreetsofdreams · 06/04/2018 08:43

Please. There is a wealth of information out there on this. You carry on in your little fluffy mummy bubble telling yourself it's 'complete shite' if you want, but it won't change reality.

🤣 so that's a no you don't have a scientific link about attachment theory in newborns. You are pointing to a random 'wealth of information'.

What's a 'fluffy mummy bubble'? Will I find that in amongst this wealth of info?

RadioGaGoo · 06/04/2018 08:46

There is a middle ground DeltaG Hmm

RadioGaGoo · 06/04/2018 08:47

Teachersvoice. And there it is.

DeltaG · 06/04/2018 08:47

@paniconthestreetsofdreams

Deary me, just because I haven't pasted 20,000 pubmed links, doesn't mean the information doesn't exist.

Isadora2007 · 06/04/2018 08:48

I find it surprising how many people are condoning OP behaviour and making it out to be normal.

I find it surprising that so many people think it is NOT normal and condone taking newborn babies away to relatives for 3/4 hours at a time.

OP, the key issue I think here is the trust with your husband. He let you down on that first day as he should have had your back with MIL and made her hand your baby back. Now he is wanting to take your (plural) baby to her without you. He should be on your side and you and he should be a team. His main role in these first 3 months is to care for and nurture you as you are doing so for the baby. There is plenty of time for baby to bond with him as it grows older and that IS the biological norm. It’s not about him or MIL feeling left out any more than they were “left out” by you being pregnant- that’s the way that biology works and I’m a firm believer in the fourth trimester. Maybe you could read up on that and share with your DH? His time WILL come and it won’t be long relatively. But do be kind and speak to him about it all.
Flowers

Foodylicious · 06/04/2018 08:48

Perfectly normal evolutionary, biological, mammalian instinct and behaviour.

She is your baby mammal and best place is with you.

Human mammals attach primarily to one care giver and learn to attach to others much later.

It doesn't mean it isn't important for baby to spend time with and get to know dad (and others), but it can be done over frequent short contacts

Also my OH used to sit up with baby for a few hours from about 5-6 am some mornings whilst I got some sleep, and he would bring him straight to me for feeds in between if needed.

He loved this quiet time with baby.
Keep a little check on your anxiety and see how you go over the next few months

crazycatbaby · 06/04/2018 08:51

I used to feel like this. To be honest I used to feel torn between "yeah of course you can hold the baby" while feeling ok about it as I thought everyone could look after h better than I could and he didn't like me, and feeling twitchy and anxious/panicky if someone else had him. I cried a few times when someone else had take him for a cuddle (left the room for the toilet and cried). And no I don't think it's normal or healthy, looking back I should have been to see my gp as I think I was suffering with some form of post natal anxiety, and it's a horrid feeling. Your partner needs to feel like an equal parent too, and you need to work together Smile sorry that's a bit rambley and probably doesn't make much sense Blush

paniconthestreetsofdreams · 06/04/2018 08:51

Grandma thank God for your sensible advice on this thread.

There truly is nothing worse than a moron with access to google and the wish to aggressively force their opinion on others as if it is medical fact.

MarthasGinYard · 06/04/2018 08:52

So glad I chose not to BF

Can't relate to any of this.

Bonded instantly with dd, but certainly didn't have this all consuming angst about leaving her with Dp for a couple of hours.

Always knew I lacked primeval maternal instinct somewhere 🤔

DeltaG · 06/04/2018 08:53

Also my OH used to sit up with baby for a few hours from about 5-6 am some mornings whilst I got some sleep, and he would bring him straight to me for feeds in between if needed.

But the OP wouldn't be happy with her DH doing this as she'd be too nervous and jumpy.... hence some posters saying her anxiety is above normal

LynetteScavo · 06/04/2018 08:53

Totally agree with @Foodylicious.

I felt exactly like you OP. Nobody would have dared to try taking my babies anywhere.

Please don't let other people make you feel as though you are being unreasonable. It will pass as your baby gets older. The reason you fell like this now is fir your babies survival.

DeltaG · 06/04/2018 08:55

@paniconthestreetsofdreams

Yes, yes of course, I forgot we're in the era of post-facts and tired of experts.

Are you also an anti-vaxxer?

Pengggwn · 06/04/2018 08:56

Teachervoice

I'd never say as much to any mother who chose not to BF, but I think BF created a powerful bond that would have taken longer to create with bottles and might not have been the same. I may not BF next time, so I will report back. But I don't believe it is a taboo notion. Breastfeeding is an intense physical process - why would not doing it have exactly the same effects as doing it?

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 06/04/2018 08:56

I was exactly the same with mine too. Also BF and it's a physical need to be with your child. DH supportive and had lovely bond with baby despite that. We just things as a team. Long days, short months. I'd go with it, if DH wants MIL to have the relationship (and you are ok with it) she can come to you