AIBU to feel uncomfortable being separated from baby

[GrumpyPantz]

I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby. Even then 30 mins is about my max until I want her back in my arms. I'm just about at the point where I can stand to have my mother hold her for 10 minutes. When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back. AIBU?

Imo she's too young to be away from me for any period of time. DH wants to take her out for 3-4 hours by himself and is calling me selfish because I said no. He took her out once before and I felt weepy and stressed, and after a bit I started repeatedly calling his mobile because I wanted my baby back NOW. He keeps saying she's his child as well and I can't make him understand how every fibre of my being screams out when my baby is more than a few feet away from me.

Am I selfish? AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?

I was like this too, OP, it will pass. The first few months are really intense and hormonal for you, and your baby will want to be close to you too, it's just nature. I was glued to my babies for the first few months and they're perfectly happy older kids now, it's fine.

GnotherGnu

I disagree. I don't think tiny babies need anything other than their mums or primary care giver. It's fine for them to be with other people for short periods of time, but longer separations shouldn't be considered as being in the baby's interests. They are about the adults, not the baby's needs.

I feel for the baby’s father; it must be tough to feel like the second class parent

@Grandmaswagsbag

Try reading what I wrote.

I said that if the OP doesn't let her DH hold the child for more than a few minutes, then she will be damaging the bonding process between baby and her father. This isn't opinion, it's science, as I explained earlier.

Momo the baby is two months old. This phase doesn't last. Babies this tiny don't need anyone else yet.

But the point is that this is about the adult's needs, not the baby's, Pengggwn. OP nowhere suggests that this arises in any way from her baby's needs, but solely her own. It is obvious that many tiny babies are perfectly happy when being in the care of someone other than their mothers for more than 30 minutes at a time; in fact, so long as they are fed and warm, they don't really care who is looking after them. And where do you draw the line? At what point is the baby allowed to leave her mother's side for more than a few minutes, at what point is she allowed to learn about other people and socialise?

It's natural for a mother to need to be with her baby. It's a primal response, designed to keep babies safe and protected. Don't worry about it. It will lessen over time.

As your baby is EBF, it's not reasonable for your husband to take her away from you for more than an hour at a time--if that. She'll be hungry, you'll be getting too full, and that's bad for both of you.

She feeds frequently which has led other family members to complain that the amount she's feeding is preventing them from holding her.

They can go do one.

EBF babies do feed a lot, especially when they're small. They should stop thinking about themselves and start praising you for doing your best for your baby.

One of the main reasons I don't feel comfortable with DH taking the baby for a few hours is because I know he'll take her to see MIL, who I'm not on speaking terms with. It makes me upset to think of that awful woman holding my baby. I tolerated a rare visit from her in hospital after the birth and she hung onto a crying baby for 20 minutes because she wanted to hold her, despite both myself and DH asking her to hand the baby back because she was signalling that she wanted to be fed. I keep thinking of my baby crying while being hung onto by that horrible witch and I don't want DH to take her to visit.

Your MIL was awful to do that.

I wouldn't let her near a baby of mine if she thinks that's acceptable.

Momo27

What a daft way to put it. When a baby is breastfed, the person without the breasts is the second class parent. Actually, the person with the breasts is first, second, third class parent, and the person without might as well be the gardener! But that doesn't last. My DD adores her daddy, and that was achieved without any enforced separation between her and me at an early stage.

My LO is 7 weeks old and when people hold him too long my boobs hurt!! My family understand but at husbands parents they don't let me have him back when he cries as it's their time and I have ended up hyperventilating and crying when we have to visit them every week! Husband hasn't asked for baby by himself I think becuase he screams whenever he is away from me and not great on expressed bottle but he keeps asking for his mum to have him alone! I just keep saying no I didn't give birth for his mum to have a baby? And if I was leaving him for first time would be husband or my sister not a 70 year old who can't move too well due to health problems! Sorry your husband doesn't understand but unfortunately men just don't seem to get that we gave birth to baby because we wanted one and not to palm them off!

I wouldn't let her near a baby of mine if she thinks that's acceptable.

Tough, OP's husband can take the baby to see whoever he wants.

@Pengggwn

Tiny babies also need to develop a relationship with their fathers as well though. Fathers don't have the surge of oxytocin that mothers have (its primary function is to start labour but it also controls pair bonding). Therefore, in order for the father to develop a proper bond, he needs to be able to physically hold the child for more than a few minutes.

Not having MIL and every other tom, dick and harry holding the baby isn't really the issue here. It's the fact that the OP is preventing the child's father (not talking about taking her out for hours with the mother as at this age & BF, it's not feasible as already discussed).

Sorry op, I think anxiety to the level you describe isn't normal - particularly where your dh is concerned. I ebf both of mine, but really appreciated it when dh took them first thing in the morning so I could get a couple of hours of proper sleep. I don't think you're doing yourself any favours, if nothing else.

I can definitely relate to being itching to get your hands back on your gorgeous baby, and it was some time before I left my first for any real length of time with anyone but dh (partly because I ebf). But there were times with both when I really appreciated an hour or two to wallow in a bath, or pop out to the shop etc. Also, I should think it would have ended up causing my relationship with dh harm if I didn't allow him to co-parent our children.

A 2mo baby is not going to 'socialise'. A year down the line, that might be a valid concern. But not at this stage!

We are a bit of a messed-up culture. We expect women to turn their entire lives upside down for their children, but they're also supposed to step back and 'give others (usually = the mother and MIL) a turn' whenever they demand.

I said that if the OP doesn't let her DH hold the child for more than a few minutes, then she will be damaging the bonding process between baby and her father. This isn't opinion, it's science, as I explained earlier.

Complete shite, as I wrote earlier. Happy to be corrected if you have a source for your 'science'.

He’s not been unreasonable wanting to take his baby to see his mother. Go with them if you are concerned.

DeltaG

My DD was frequently held by her dad. But he didn't take her out for longer periods until she was 3-4 months. It's done no harm to their relationship whatsoever. It'a a few weeks.

Delta did you read what I wrote? She has said that she is fine with dh holding baby for half hour stretches. There is no ‘need’ for the baby to be taken by the father away from the mother for 3/4 hours at a time at 2 months old when the baby is ebf. Biological or otherwise, apart form perhaps satisfying some sense of fatherly pride. If you’ve done a PhD on this subject then you will know that it is a NEW area of research/understanding, unless you did your PhD 50 years ago, in which case you’re probably out of date by now. There are plenty of mothers here who have felt the same way, it’s instinct not a sign of pnd (what a ridiculous comment to make over the internet based on one piece of information, not very scientific). Such a MN classic ‘you didn’t feel like I did with my baby so you probably have pnd’. I’m not sure why you feel the need to attack the OP quite so aggressively. She will not damage the bond with the babies father. There will be plenty of time for them to go on nice outings together when the baby is older and not feeding/needing her so much.

Tell your incredibly selfish & stupid DH that an 8 week old EBF should be with its Mum. Tell him he needs to think about his baby, not his Mum. He can spend as much time with the baby as he wants, at home. Stupid prat.

The reason you are over anxious now is probably largely due to her not handing the baby back when you asked. You waited 20 minutes? 20 minutes if asking? Your DH is a spineless, stupid, wimp, who needs a kick up the arse.

I'm an old first time mum (the term is geriatric apparently!) and most of my friends and siblings already have 2-3 children. I had some friends who were very clingy to their baby and the result was that their baby was very clingy towards them. Their husbands were unable to bathe them and put them to bed even 1 or 2 years on as they wanted mum to do it. They couldn't leave them, couldn't have a break and if they were ill, they still had to battle on as the babies screamed for mummy. And it was then that my friends complained, but this is the situation that they had created.I think spending time with dad on their own also gives dad confidence. We're all learning.i was determined to bring up my DS to be happy in others' company - as much as I could - as I think it's fair on him. Imagine if you were ill and had to go to hospital or something. You need to know the baby is happy with dad.

It's all subjective though!!

And you can PhD the shit out of something, it’s doesnt mean a mother should/can ignore her instinct. There’s a reason we have them.

Why is the MIL getting all the blame here?. She was not mentioned once in the OP's post.

@paniconthestreetsofdreams

Please. There is a wealth of information out there on this. You carry on in your little fluffy mummy bubble telling yourself it's 'complete shite' if you want, but it won't change reality.

YANBU - I felt like this with all of mine when they were little babies. Those feelings don't last for ever. I always assumed they were instincts and linked to breastfeeding. A bf baby doesn't go long between feeds. A bf baby needs to be near mum a lot and not be away from her for long. Dads have an important role but it is not the same role.

My husband would take ours for a brief walk, cuddle them while I snoozed, change nappies, do baths, etc. But he never expected me or baby to be apart for long. We tried him giving me a break to go shopping/do something for myself with our first. I hated it. He understood and we didn't try it again for a good while.

We both look back and laugh now as he is very welcome to quality time them while I do my own thing. Very welcome!! And noawadays a trip to the supermarket alone seems like a special treat 😂😂

YANBU! I used to feel physical pain when DD was out of view. Or in view but with someone else. DH wasn't allowed to take her out for months.

You have an ebf 8 week old baby. That's tiny. The only people who get a say are you and baby. Equal parenting can fuck off for a few more months.

FWIW my 2 DC have a fantastic relationship with DH and GPs. Me hogging them when tiny hasn't affected anyone.

YNBU to feel hormonal and protective.
YABU if you twitch if someone holds your baby for 10 mins.
YABU about your DH taking the baby out. If the baby needs bringing back DH will do so.

And as someone who EBF two babies don’t do that thing where you shove a boob into her mouth at every whimper. Think of it as the baby trying to say something. Think of what it might be, and try to meet that need. The boob is great but feed when she’s hungry. I too had plenty of milk and a sharp letdown so I know all about this. Cuddle at every whimper if you want but don’t do that thing of feeding constantly. Then in another month you’ll feel the baby feeds all the time and can’t sleep without a nipple. Let the baby express its opinion without getting distressed, let her have a stretch, a moan, let her figure out her surroundings.