AIBU to feel uncomfortable being separated from baby

[GrumpyPantz]

I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby. Even then 30 mins is about my max until I want her back in my arms. I'm just about at the point where I can stand to have my mother hold her for 10 minutes. When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back. AIBU?

Imo she's too young to be away from me for any period of time. DH wants to take her out for 3-4 hours by himself and is calling me selfish because I said no. He took her out once before and I felt weepy and stressed, and after a bit I started repeatedly calling his mobile because I wanted my baby back NOW. He keeps saying she's his child as well and I can't make him understand how every fibre of my being screams out when my baby is more than a few feet away from me.

Am I selfish? AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?

Oh. Just seen the latest post about PND.

Makes sense now.

It's a bit bad of the OP to provide such a monumental drip feed 340 posts into the thread

@GrumpyPantz I hope you're OK. There have been some really horrible posts on this thread.

Some posters should be ashamed of themselves. There is a real, vulnerable, new mum posting. Just because she happened to post in AIBU doesn't mean you can be as harsh as you like with no affect to the OP.

Sorry 220

To me it was obvious from the first post Oblomov18, the OP is distressed and her husband doesn't give a shit. Also after 3-4 hours, an ebf 2 months old would clearly be very unhappy, but the husband doesn't seem to care about that either.

OP as a fellow parent of a very young baby (mine is one month) I understand what a stressful time it can be! I think really you aren't asking one question here but two or three.

It is not unreasonable to think that it 3-4 hours is too long for an exclusively breast fed baby to be away from her mother.

It is not unreasonable to be pissed off with your MIL for refusing to hand your baby back when she wanted feeding (wtf was she thinking?!)

It is unreasonable to say your husband can't take the baby out at all without you, I'm afraid. It's his baby too and he shouldn't feel like he's only allowed supervised bonding time with her. The issue with your MIL sounds challenging to say the least and your suggested compromise of allowing MIL to visit you sounds reasonable, however regardless of where he is taking her, two months after she was born I do think your husband should be allowed some daddy daughter time without feeling like he's "on the clock" and without feeling like you are going to demand to have her back at any second.

The PND suggestion others have made does seem plausible to me. Have you told the health visitor how you feel? What have they suggested?

I do agree also that not wanting even close relatives to hold her for more than ten minutes at a time sounds a bit over zealous. Try to enjoy watching your family bonding. For me, watching my husband play with my one month old and watching the, staring at each other, utterly mesmerised by one another, has been one of the highlights so far. Plus it means I can take a proper length shower or nap when he's occupying her. ;) Try to focus on the positives of it!

Hope it gets easier soon.

Xxxx

Not necessarily Teapot.
They are all different.
Some EBF cluster feed, some feed all the time, some hourly, others go ages.

Ds1 was regimented within days and breast-fed every 4 hours on the dot.
6 o'clock, 10 o'clock, 2 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 10 o'clock, 2 o'clock. You could set your clock by him. Gina Ford would have had him as her showcase baby (not that I wanted it this way at all, it just was!

I think tbh, you need to control this situation. You confided I’m your husband that you didn’t want your baby and he has thrown this back in your face at the earliest opportunity. How can you ever trust him again? How can he support you when he kept that info and uses it to hurt you?

However you do sound over anxious and had/stilll have PND, you need to get help for this, follow what your doctor recommended then he can’t use it against you at a later date, and you will be seen to be proactive.

The term mummy’s boy is just horrible and used to undermine a child/adult relationship.. is it so bad that he wants his mum to see the baby? Taking her for 3/4 hours is unreasonable, i think you need to keep repeating that she is welcome at yours then you have more control over the situation.

The term mummy's boy isn't to undermine grown up child + parent relationship.

It is to pour scorn on those adult children who prioritise the feelings of their parents over their clearly distressed spouse.

That is what is happening here. Neither the mil nor the h respect the new mother's preferences.

But what about a trip out is going to be a beautiful bonding experience? The baby can’t be fed so how is it going to be anything other than a stressful exercise in keeping her asleep?

I went out every day with my first, but to get essentials or to meet friends for coffee etc. And I could feed her so could be out for as long as the nappies held out. Without mum he’s going to have to rush out and back - where’s the quality time in that?

Meh, I think you both need to talk properly.
From your update, on first glance he sounds awful. BUT, is he like he is because of how you are, or are you like you are because of how he is? It's very difficult to tell.

If at the slightest whimper you want to breastfeed her, and get uncomfortable with your husband holding her, then why would he get up at night, or stop eating and comfort her - you seem to be replying on boob power alone as a comfort mechanism, and he doesn't have that. It's disempowering, which doesn't help. Or it might be that he is just lazy.

Saying that, his comments about PND are awful. Is it still an issue do you think? You are showing very extreme levels of anxiety to her being held by her father.

Finally, you need to discuss MIL. You need to come up with a plan you can both live with. It's not fair on your daughter as she grows up to be caught between you like this. Tbh, I'm of the school that unless she is a danger to your daughter (as opposed to just not that nice) then you need to be able to spend time together and be civil to each other, so she can build a relationship with her. I've had to do that with my in laws in difficult circumstances. It doesn't have to be a close friendship, or them seeing each other all the time, but as parents you shouldn't give mixed messages about her. Either that, or you both cut her off.

I see the issue as more with the MIL then anything else and that the MIL is probably partially responsible for worsening what otherwise seems to be a normal feeling many first time parents get.

Holding the baby for 20 minutes while she cried and while your MIL refused both you and her son asking to hand her back, right after she was born was unacceptable behaviour on her part.

Refusing to let your husband take his child out on her own though is very unreasonable even if it's understandable you're really upset that you know she'll be taken to your MIL's.

It might be for the best to take her to see MIL together, it could be easier on you at least.

OP, I'm starting to get the feeling that there is a LOT more to this story about your MIL!! You're "not welcome in her home?" Wow. She has form for treating you abysmally? You haven't said what she's done (nor do you have to disclose here), but your DH sounds like he's in denial about how she's treated you in the past...and how she is treating you now. Does he crave her approval? I'm struck by the fact you say that he's not any help to you (unsupportive of breastfeeding), nor does he show an interest on caring for his infant daughter at home... Until he has a chance to take the baby to his mum for her to have a "private" visit without you there. Explicitly without you!! That's NOT okay. Is his mum pretty toxic, in addition to being selfish and controlling? Your DH may he operating in a classic FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) of a child in thrall to a toxic parent. Only you know the answer to that... but you should not be forced to give up your child for 3-4 hours so that your DH can pander to his mother's wishes, irrespective of your hurt feelings. He needs to put you first!! You're NOT obligated to hand over your infant to your MIL!

I exclusively breastfed and NEVER felt this way about my baby. In fact, I was the opposite and couldn’t wait to get rid of her at every opportunity. Yes, I had PND. It comes in many different forms, and what the OP is describing is polar opposite to my experience but sounds like PND to (non-expert) me. Luckily, I am very bonded to my baby, as is she to me, but so is my husband as he cared for her on his own so much from early on. There is a plurality of experience out there, rather than right or wrong, so do what you think is best for your baby as well as addressing the issues with your husband, his mother and your anxiety.

Jaysus, sorry, just read your update.

Forget the attachment/non-attachment debate. Your husband is being an arse, and sounds like a Disney Dad in the making. I have no advice, sadly. Anyone else?

It's obviously more about Op's dislike of her MIL though & not trusting her husband to intervene on her daughter's behalf if necessary.

So if he took baby for 3/4 hrs-how would he feed her?

I’m 100% with cobblersandhogwash. My ex is a mummy’s boy (to the point where the first time he hit me, she called over to tell me if I hadn’t done x and y, he wouldn’t have and helped me make things around the house the way he liked them 😂) it’s laughable now but it’s a horrible situation to be in.

You need to talk to him and if he can’t understand your points of view and concerns... you’ve gotta problem there.

I sincerely feel for you OP. I hope you’re ok.

OP I wrote up thread about my very controlling sister practically kidnapping her 6 wk old grandson breast fed grandson and driving 30 miles back to her house with him. She bought formula, bottles and told me she intended to bond with the baby - without the baby’s mother around. Her son was an accomplice and between them they bullied the mother. I was appalled.

Your husband's attitude about BF makes me believe he would be very ok with his mother bottle feeding your baby. Your husband wants nothing to do with the baby when he’s home with her and he’s only wants to be with her when he is offering her up to his mother. He is trying to interfere with the scared bond between a baby and its mother. Trust your instincts.

My nephew had the same attitude about his baby and was just trying to unload him on his mother because she told him to. “Put your foot down with her” she told him and “Start out how you mean to carry on”.

I haven't read the last six pages just the first four, but yet again, I am at the responses to the OP.
When did new mums turn into such precious princesses and when did others encourage such ridiculous behaviour?
The way the OP talks about HER baby (note hers, poor dad should apparently be happy to be sidelined or he is not 'supportive') sounds like a toddler with a new toy she does not want to share.
Enabling such childish behaviour is not in the baby's best interests, but this is not about the baby, it's all about the mum, who apparently should be indulged because she's a new mum.
Hormones and possible PND seem to be the get-out clause for do much self-indulgent nonsense on MN.

OP your DH sounds like an absolute dick, maybe thats why you don’t want him to take your baby. I never had PND, and fuck me, there were plenty of tones I felt overwhelmed and like I’d made a HUGE mistake having a baby. TBH I’d be amazed if most mothers didn’t feel like this at some stage. If he’s not involved in caring for her on a day-to-day basis, and you’re EBF, then no he doesn’t get to take her for 3-4 hours, baby stays with you & MIL will just have to wait. Stand your ground on this one, you won’t regret it. And consider finding some better support, cos your DH doesn’t sound up to the job.

Nah. I think new mums should be throughly indulged. It won't last.

Your husband needs to stand by you, this is his problem. He has no right to make a new mum feel like this or expect you to just deal with the situation. His responsibility is to you and the baby.
He needs to accept that if she refuses to come to you and to let you in her house then she is choosing to forgoe her grandchild, you are the child's mother and it is unacceptable at this point to try to have contact behind your back.

So actually the reason you are so anxious is because of your husband's attitude.

He's the root of the problems.

@cathf firstly new mums, espresso silly breastfeeding are rampant with hormones and should be supported not ridiculed. Secondly before writing such a strong comment you should read the 6 pages as you would then read her update.
Just because you wouldn't care about your other half taking a breastfed baby of 8 weeks out for hours to see a woman that's refused to come to the house or banned her from her own whilst still clearly dominating her son, doesn't mean the majority of us would accept that behaviour. If it's not ok with her, that's fine and she needs support with the situation and how to manage it.

*especially not espresso silly 🙄🤣🙄🤦🏻‍♀️