AIBU to feel uncomfortable being separated from baby

[GrumpyPantz]

I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby. Even then 30 mins is about my max until I want her back in my arms. I'm just about at the point where I can stand to have my mother hold her for 10 minutes. When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back. AIBU?

Imo she's too young to be away from me for any period of time. DH wants to take her out for 3-4 hours by himself and is calling me selfish because I said no. He took her out once before and I felt weepy and stressed, and after a bit I started repeatedly calling his mobile because I wanted my baby back NOW. He keeps saying she's his child as well and I can't make him understand how every fibre of my being screams out when my baby is more than a few feet away from me.

Am I selfish? AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?

3/4 hours is too long for an ebf baby to be away from you without expressed milk.

Plus if you don’t express in that time you may end up with mastitis.

Yes she is his child as well, He should understand she needs to be near her food!

It is very natural to want to be with your baby all the time and not let her out of your sight. It is what being a good mother is all about. I’m very shocked your husband wants to remove her from you for 3 or 4 hours. What the hell is he thinking?

My sister wanted her son to bring his new baby to see her and, well, she bottle fed him when she got her hands on him which was against the mother’s wishes. I’m still shocked that she took a 6 week old baby 30 miles away from his BF mother and bottle fed him so she could bond with him she said!

At that age, the only times I was without the baby was if my husband took her out for a walk or a drive in the car. If your baby is EBF your husband has to understand that the baby needs to be near you for feeding. Being apart for 4 hours is not an option. Then he needs to be more firm with his mother about this and when you ask for her back, she should be handed over straight away. It’s hard and frustrating when people think you are spoiling the baby by holding or feeding too often. I can see why this situation is making you anxious.

It can be hard for fathers when they feel like they are only getting a look in. Is your husband getting one on one time with her at home? Bath time or stories etc? Are you able to relax and take a nap after you know she is full and content?

YABU. It is important that your DH gets time with your child on his own. He needs to how to care for them in his own way which he can't do if you're watching him like a hawk. It's also important ( if you want an equal realtionship) that your child learns that daddy can comfort and care for them just as well as mummy.

My DS is such a daddy's boy and it's lovely to see. It means we both get equal leisure time without worrying

Yabu most definitely- from a mum who had 2 prem babies.

Babies also need to bond with family.

My GP once told me thst they are very sophisticated little creatures- they will ensure they get needs me whoever is caring for them.

If you carry on like this you run the risk of your child developing insecure attachments rather than healthy ones as she when older will not have experienced feeling safe with anyone other than you , and that is not how to have a mentally healthy child / adult.

3-4 hours is far too long for a 8 week old breastfed baby to be away from her mother. It’s not like they get hungry on schedule either, she could be crying for a feed within 1 hour.

YANBU about this

You sound more anxious than most, but it’s early days and your anxiety is probably heightened in relation to MIL because she was so disrespectful to you and unfeeling towards your baby during the hospital visit.

YANBU about that either.

8 weeks is early days, don’t feel the need to have hard and fast rules about who/what/how long etc with access to the baby. Just go by what you feel comfortable with on the day.

Talk to your DP. Say you feel anxiety about separation from your newborn (many women do!) tell him you trust him, your feelings aren’t a reflection of his capabilities as a parent. Say you want his help working out how to manage his mother.

You may have to tolerate a visit from her so she can see the baby. It will give you a chance to practice laying down the law.

‘MIL - baby is crying, back to Mum.’ While reaching for the baby. Repeat as necessary.

My in laws did that as well. They would get annoyed that they had come to visit but my newborn was ‘always eating or asleep.’ Then if he cried to be fed while they had him, trying placate my hungry crying newborn with jiggling and toys etc as if the crying was the issue. Finally I snapped ‘I don’t want him quiet, I want him fed!’ DH had to step in.

3/4 hours is far too long for a ebf baby. I think it would be wise to learn to be away from your baby for short periods. So dh could take them for a short walk and build it up. I understand your mil keeping your baby gave you big anxiety. But it’s now your responsibility to manage this anxiety otherwise is may affect your child as they get older. You cannot allow 10 minutes of your babies life as a newborn affect their whole life. Controlled withdrawal such as a short walk and building it up could be good. If not, make counselling a priority.

Well if you are ebf then 3 or 4 hours at this age is not feasible is it - you just need to remind Dh of this. Assuming this is dc1 - you can do lots of lovely things altogether - walks - markets - the pub - beach swimming - whatever you fancy. So make sure you spend some time altogether doing fun no housework stuff. Dh can carry / push / cuddle the baby to his hearts content.

YANBU to have feelings but YABU to act on them. Your baby has two parents and deserves a strong relationship with both. Your DH also has feelings. I totally understand the breastfeeding issue and at 6 weeks many ebf babies are still feeding very frequently and cannot be away from their mother for anything other than a short time. If DC is fed and has a clean nappy then your husband is an equally valid source of comfort and shouldn't provoke anxiety in you. Assuming he is reliable I would worry that your anxiety around him having the baby or taking DC for a walk in the pram is possibly PND and you should consider talking to your HV or GP.
Your MIL is a different issue and one you and your DH have to thrash out between you. Does he agree with your stance on her? Are you planning a relationship for your DC with their GM? If so then you may need to come up with a plan for your baby to meet and be held by GM that you are accepting of and DH agrees with. You have to take time away from feeding into account for your baby's sake but there could be a compromise possibly. Keep talking to your DH .

@NoMudNoLotus

'My GP once told me thst they are very sophisticated little creatures- they will ensure they get needs me whoever is caring for them.'

Did you miss the part where OP said she was EBF? Unless dad or granny are lactating then baby certainly can't get what she needs from anyone other than mum at the moment.

YANBU, OP. I felt the same way as you and DH never had him for more than an hour or so at that age by himself when I was in the bath, they have a great bond now. I think you should tell your DH how you feel and how it's a long time for DD to go without a feed.

YANBU given you are ebf. I understand that men find it hard because little babies were so mum focused. But your daughter will need feeding if out. How does he think that will happen? People saying you need help are ridiculous. Babies would be at great risk without their mother not that long ago. Equally dad is only an alternative source of comfort for a while if baby will take a bottle or dummy. Not all do. Good luck explaining this!

YANBU. I was the same and I wasn't even breastfeeding. I remember having in laws around for dinner when she was 6 weeks and she was being held by everyone and I sat tense and quiet screaming on the inside. My instinct made me want to take her in my arms so I knew she was safe, which looking back it was irrational, but it is mothers instinct/hormones

Now at 10 months I'm happy as hell for others to take her for a while

I totally understand the desire to be near the baby constantly - we've all been there to some degree, but I do think what you're describing is really quite extreme. Your DH is not a secondary parent, but you are in danger of treating him as one.

Is there a backstory with MIL? Otherwise it sounds like a slightly over enthusiastic grandparent who made a mistake by hanging onto the baby. The way you describe her is quite nasty so I'm assuming there is more to it.

In think it's hormones that make women feel this way. It's fine, natural and can see why you don't want your baby seeing your MIL

Don't push away your DP though just explain how you feel and make sure he's onboard with everything

There is plenty of time for the child to from relationships with the wider family.

Right now it's all about mum and dad and feeds and closeness.

I'm sorry but to say the child won't form secure relationships with others because she won't spend hours with them is barmy.

You know what, op, be stroppy. This is your baby. You're ebf-ing her, she has to be near you.

YANBU. Initually I thought your reactions were a bit strong but as you explain vs how some of the family are or have been in makes sense, and if DH would take the baby to MIL against your wishes that's really not on.

I'm a dad and I did take my son out for a few hours at a time at that age (expressed milk). It was possible as for us it worked well. I think if I was told I couldn't do things like that I would find it hard because I would feel it's more difficult for be to be a parent, but there would still bet loads of things I can do and i hope I would be understanding.

My GP once told me thst they are very sophisticated little creatures- they will ensure they get needs me whoever is caring for them.

Not if that person doesn’t have breasts that lactate that GP was a twit.

Your OP makes you sound U but your update makes it clear that you have a DH problem. An EBF baby cannot be away from its mother for that long and the way your DH and family have been so unsupportive around feeding and the baby’s needs has triggered anxiety. Exactly this happened with my PFB and I had terrible PND as a result. You need to get these issues sorted by explaining and being firm with DH and getting him to sort out the family. There’s a million ways your DH can bond with the baby without taking her out the house or away from you for extended periods of time.

I also have a 2 month old EBF baby. Her and her father has no bonding issues whatsoever. If she won’t settle with him, she comes back to me immediately.

YANBU, op. Your baby is very young still, I think it's perfectly natural - especially if you're breastfeeding - to want your baby with you as much as possible in the first 3 or so months. Your baby will want that too - read about 4th trimester.

With my DS, I had a lot of visitors in the early months and did find it hard. I wanted to share him with the people who also loved him of course, but after half an hour or so I was just longing to have him back. I felt incomplete without him - which isn't surprising given he had been inside me for 9 months up til then! It can take a while for your body and mind to adjust, and if you're ebf then you and baby being together is so important.

Once DS hit 4/5 months or so and was out of the newborn stage I was perfectly happy for others to have him for longer.

Sounds like it's more about your MIL being involved with her whom you clearly hate.

You do sound overly anxious when she's with her dad. I used to enjoy the break. I didn't EBF though so loved popping out for a few hours on my own etc and did it regularly. It kept me sane.

Yanbu. Hormones have evolved to make us protective of our babies. I wouldn’t have let my 2 month old out of my sight. I’ve only just left him for 3 hours with my mother and he’s 11 months old.

First off stop feeding at the slightest whimper, babies have different cries and learning them helps.

Secondly yes and no, I would not want him to take out for 3/4 hours it’s too long for an end baby but stop with the 10 minute bit if ( and it’s a if) she is happy and content - only take her if she is upset and wants you

Shame your DH cannot be more understanding. You are hardly selfish, giving that baby everything it needs.

Also don't let anyone tell you to stop doing something that's right for you and baby.

What on earth can go wrong with another family member holding your baby for 10 minutes? Your reaction is very extreme op