AIBU to feel uncomfortable being separated from baby

[GrumpyPantz]

I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby. Even then 30 mins is about my max until I want her back in my arms. I'm just about at the point where I can stand to have my mother hold her for 10 minutes. When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back. AIBU?

Imo she's too young to be away from me for any period of time. DH wants to take her out for 3-4 hours by himself and is calling me selfish because I said no. He took her out once before and I felt weepy and stressed, and after a bit I started repeatedly calling his mobile because I wanted my baby back NOW. He keeps saying she's his child as well and I can't make him understand how every fibre of my being screams out when my baby is more than a few feet away from me.

Am I selfish? AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?

If you carry on like this you run the risk of your child developing insecure attachments rather than healthy ones as she when older will not have experienced feeling safe with anyone other than you , and that is not how to have a mentally healthy child / adult.

Yes sorry this is rubbish. It’s a very new idea that babies need to be passed around to grandparents to get used to being away from mum, and for dads to ‘spend time alone’ with their babies. The biological norm is baby being close to mother which releases oxytocin in the mother and close contact and touch helps brain growth and development in the child. Obviously if your B/f you will be doing lots of this anyway!

@RadioGaGoo

I'm not worried about anyone else. I said I found people encouraging the OP's behaviour worrying.

It must be very hard for the fathers who are deemed second class parent to be given instructions! No doubt OP will come back in about 6yrs moaning that her DH doesn't do anything - forgetting that she didn't let him!
Marriage is a partnership and parenting is a partnership - it is not going to work well if one side of it is the one who always dictates how things are done!

On another OP's thread which I've just been on I think you mention you are feeling resentful in regard to your DP as it's always you up in the night??

Perhaps being knackered is also having an impact on your feelings here.

@Grandmaswagsbag

Do stop writing crap on the internet. It isn't rubbish or new-fangled woo, it is scientific fact.

I find it surprising how many people are condoning OP behaviour and making it out to be normal.

3-4 hours is much too long to be separated from an EBF baby. Interesting that your dh has specified this time period - do you think he is planning to take her to his mother's?

Why don't you like your MIL? And - I'm sorry, but - why on earth did you and dh allow the distressing scene in the hospital go on so long? If any relative of mine had refused to give my crying newborn back despite being asked, I'd have got a MW to throw her out.

I think this may be about your MIL and your mother and dh are collateral damage (so to speak). It's nice to let someone close, who will return baby when she needs a feed, hold her for half an hour, an hour while you get some rest. My dh held our EBF babies for hours sometimes while they slept, and now and again they would fall asleep on him, which was wonderful. But it's also fine to want a baby who is entirely dependent on you for nutrition (and I find it's common for people not to get just how frequently ebf babies need feeding) close to you.

Delta I have absolutely no idea what you’re on about. Babies will be insecurely attached if they don’t spend time away from their mother at 2 months old? Please.

When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back

I felt like this more wth my first when he was very young and needed feeding every 90 mins or so. In fact I forgot just how needy newborns were when I had my second. After about 3 months I relaxed.

I suspect it’s the fact that your wishes aren’t being respected and this makes you twitchy OP.

I would have an honest conversation with your dh and explain. Yes he can obviously build a bond with baby - he could do that by settling baby immediately after a feed; or taking baby for a walk after a feed while you have some time to have a bath or something.

It might be worth speaking to a BF counsellor with him to explain that babies that age might still need feeding frequently so taking baby away from you is painful for you (physically eg if you get engorged), and for baby.

But find ways to let your dh be involved.

I was fine with people holding DD, until she started to cry and then I wanted her back NOW too.

You do sound a little anxious, but I concur with others on the thread who say this will probably get better with time.

I'd knock the long visits away from you on the head - no need for your baby to be away from you at all at this stage unless it's what you want - and work on being more relaxed about DH holding baby. He and you are the priorities. MIL can wait.

I don't think you're being U at all. I was just the same with mine. I wouldn't let DH take her out for more than half an hour and even then I was jumpy and stressed until they came back. I didn't feel relaxed unless she was close to my body. I hated other people holding her until she was about 6 months.
Yes it's his baby too but he didn't grow her inside his body for 9 months, give birth and he isn't breastfeeding or experiencing a hormonal rollercoaster! I think men who nag about having time alone out of the house with their very young baby are selfish.

It's natural for a mother to want to keep a young baby close to her side. We're programmed to protect them, feed and respond to them.

Once mine was sitting independently and on solids (though still bf), I didn't mind DH taking her out for an afternoon or friends and family holding her. By the time she turned one I was delighted to go out for the day and leave DH/grandparents in charge!

My LO spent the majority of time with me whilst EBF and his attachments with others are perfectly fine.

Saying that though, I was happy to have others hold baby and my DH was incredibly understanding. I don't think there is anything abnormal about how OP is feeling at the moment. Its likely to get better in time or it's a symptom of something else. I don't think calling her selfish or dictating at this point is going to help her very much.

YANBU 3/4 hours is way, way too long for a 2 month old breast fed baby to be away from food.

Does your H understand bfeeding and support you? Have you agreed whether you will express and sought to establish this? With one DC I expressed and DH took DC out regularly for an hour or two, extending as she grew, but with DC2 I never managed to establish expressing or getting her to take a bottle so that was trickier for a while, but he supported me in bf and went out less or for shorter trips and did other things with DC2.

This sounds to be a difficult MIL/ extended family (expect you’d get very different answers from Stately Homes posters) and that the OP and her DH disagree about handling the family, with the DH prioritising his family over OP and using insults “selfish” when OP doesn’t agree with his unreasonable request.

MIL holding a crying newborn for 20 mins in the hospital and your H not assisting you in taking her to feed? Terrible.

3-4 hours is far too long to be away from a breastfed baby and I think your DH is being cruel to even suggest it, yes he is an equal parent, but it’s not about him and his wants are not important. There’s plenty of time for him to take the baby out when breastfeeding is established and the baby can go longer without needing to be fed. It’s about a little baby that needs to be fed at least every 3 hours and wants the security of it’s mother, she’s not a doll to be passed around.

It depends? Bf babies don't need fed at every whimper or cry. Do you let dh hold the baby, change nappies etc or do you hold the baby all the time?

Is the problem not other people in general holding DD but THESE specific people? Are they his extended family who you dislike?

When holding friend’s or family members’ babies people usually just have a quick cuddle for a couple of mins and then pass on or back, and pass back to mum or dad at the first grizzle!

You say you don’t want your DC to have much contact with MIL but that you think your H disagrees and intends to visit MIL with DD. Suggest seeking to resolve your conflict with him on that.

Don't assume your baby wants to be fed every time she whimpers. There will be times when she is crying simply because she is uncomfortable, or overtired, or just because.

I don't agree that your degree of anxiety is within the normal range. Your husband's idea of taking the baby out for a few hours is obviously ridiculous, but you should be capable of leaving her with her father or your mother for more than 30 minutes at a time, and you aren't doing her any favours depriving her of that. When my children were that age, after a day of sole care I was desperate to put them into their father's arms virtually the moment he came through the door after work, and was delighted if he took them out for a walk so I could have a break.

you should be capable of leaving her with her father or your mother for more than 30 minutes at a time, and you aren't doing her any favours depriving her of that.

What absolute rubbish. It's not a test. There is no reason a mother should force herself to separate from her newborn baby. And a newborn baby isn't 'deprived' by not being with it's dad or GP for extended periods of time. It literally just wants its mum at that stage. Food, warmth, cleaning, sleep, the comfort of the way mum smells. It doesn't need anything else (although there is no harm in it if baby is content).

I was just like that with both of my babies! Yes it is fine and completely natural to feel this way.

You should feel so happy you have bonded so well with her, and clearly are enjoying motherhood and breastfeeding.

Ask your dh to respect your wishes re: MIL.

Once she is older you will feel much more relaxed. For now do what is right for you.

It shouldn't be a matter of forcing anything, Pengggwn. And what the baby "needs" does need to be judged by rather more than her basic instincts. After all, babies don't "need" nappies, for instance - all they need is to be able to wee and poo and have it cleaned up so they're not left lying in it; but that doesn't stop us putting nappies on. A baby also needs a relationship with her father where possible, she needs mother who is not stressed out because she has no time to herself, she needs someone who is able to look after her in the event that her mother is ill, they need to become socialised. At two months they are becoming more aware of the world and people around them, and that needs to be encouraged.

It’s nice your DH wants to spend time with her but why on his own? I think it’s too early for that.

Holy fucking shit.

He's her father, not a sperm donor!

No wonder the relationships board is full of woman who are surprised that their marriages have hit the fan if most women believe that bollocks.

GrumpyPantz there is a whole back story behind your post. You don't like your MIL and you don't trust DH not to take your baby to MIL's house. You need to talk to DH. You may be better off having a united front and allowing her to see the baby in your house with you present.

'It’s nice your DH wants to spend time with her but why on his own? I think it’s too early for that.'

Quite

Bloody hell

At 8 weeks it's fine for you to feel this way, especially with a first baby. It's quite overwhelming but you'll eventually loosen your grip. If you still felt this way at 16 weeks I'd be inclined to talk to someone. For now, try and explain it in a non-confrontational way to your DH. It's also not ok for him to have a go at you over it. He needs to try and be a little bit more understanding of what you've been through in the last 2 months because it is very different for mothers.

You won't damage your DHs bond with her by not letting him take her out. He will bond just fine by changing nappies, bathing her, soothing her if you're taking a shower etc.

However at some point too have to address the MIL thing. Unless she's actually the antichrist, she's her grandmother. It might be time to see if you can bury the hatchet.