AIBU to feel uncomfortable being separated from baby

[GrumpyPantz]

I feel uncomfortable about anyone except DH holding my 2 month old baby. Even then 30 mins is about my max until I want her back in my arms. I'm just about at the point where I can stand to have my mother hold her for 10 minutes. When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back. AIBU?

Imo she's too young to be away from me for any period of time. DH wants to take her out for 3-4 hours by himself and is calling me selfish because I said no. He took her out once before and I felt weepy and stressed, and after a bit I started repeatedly calling his mobile because I wanted my baby back NOW. He keeps saying she's his child as well and I can't make him understand how every fibre of my being screams out when my baby is more than a few feet away from me.

Am I selfish? AIBU to refuse to let DH take her out on his own until she's older?

This seems more connected with your mil than general anxiety. What if your DH doesn't take her to mil? Maybe if he goes for a walk around the block with her?
I personally think YABU and need to give him some time with her too.

Little babies need their mums. They develop fierce bonds with their primary care giver to ensure that they can be fed and warm (think cavemen). It's their job to be close to mum and I think as mums we have very hormonal responses to that. Unfortunately the bid for "equality" doesn't exactly support that need. Symbiosis is normal when a baby is so young

Yes YABU and yes you're being selfish, even if not deliberately so.

You could be damaging the bond development between your daughter and her father by not letting him hold/spend time with her. Oxytocin is responsible for bonding and this is released naturally in mothers as it's also the birth hormone. But for fathers, they need to spend time in close contact with the baby to stimulate oxytocin production and release, and thus to develop a bond with the child. I say this as a scientist with a PhD in biological chemistry, specifically in the structure & function of the oxytocin receptor.

You sound extremely over-anxious and this is more about your own feelings as she is perfectly safe and cared-for by her own father. Unreasonable anxiety is one of the classic signs of PND (I had it with DS1, so am familiar), so perhaps you could at least look into this a little further?

To put it into context, my 11 week-old was held and cooed over by DH's extended family when we visited at Easter. If he started to cry, DH or I took him back. He was full of smiles for everyone. You should try it... gradually.

Also, I find the number of people encouraging the OP's behaviour here, worrying.

EBF or not, it isn't normal to have such anxiety about a father holding his own child for half an hour. I agree that taking her out alone for hours when young and BF isn't really feasible at this age, but it will be later on.

I agree Delta

Hi OP, I have only read the first page but wanted to say that you are completely normal, your hormones are doing their job and you are right to follow them. Mother and Baby are one unit at this stage. And the baby is in the “fourth trimester”, ie in evolutionary terms, it would still be in the womb were it’s head then not too big to be birthed by a mammal standing on two legs rather than four (smaller pelvis, bigger skull). Therefore, your body belongs on you or with you. The fact that you are breastfeeding means that you need to feed when baby asks for it or when your milk “lets down”, and you need close proximity to your baby.
Ideally, mother father and hold are one snug unit at this stage, bonding and nurturing together. I cannot understand why your husband has the need to take baby out for hours at a time.
I would use the excuse of breastfeeding establishment, and the risk of mastitis if baby is away for too long. I hope that your husband will be understanding.
It seems that there are lots of “cool mums” on mumsnet, and any pandering to natural hormonal states is viewed upon with severe disdain. I think if you don’t follow your instincts, you will get very miserable and possibly also depressed. Take care.

We weren’t apart for 3-4 hours until 11 months because of breastfeeding.

If you’re EBF then no of course your DH can’t take your baby out that long at two months.

*therefore, your BABY belongs on or with you. Sorry, typo.

*Also, I find the number of people encouraging the OP's behaviour here, worrying.

EBF or not, it isn't normal to have such anxiety about a father holding his own child for half an hour. I agree that taking her out alone for hours when young and BF isn't really feasible at this age, but it will be later on.*

I agree, it's not normal behaviour.

Stand down DeltaG. You don't have to worry about everyone else.

And I have read a lot of John Bowlby and Attachment Theory - in order for a baby to form secure attachments with others, it first needs a secure and unconditional relationship with its primary caregivers.

Remember that your DH doesn’t have the same hormonal state/physical relationship with your child, and is likely not holding/rocking it the whole time. The baby is probably lying in the car seat for hours on end, which is also not good for its back.

I agree Delta. You said what I was trying to say upthread.

Dh and I took dd to a funeral when she was 6 weeks or so old. At the wake, she went for a cuddle with a whole bunch of people, some of whom I didn’t know. We were all in the same room and it felt safe and ok. She was also ebf. Dd was an ivf baby so getting pregnant for me was a big deal.

I’m not saying you should feel comfortable with this too. But you do need to get to a position where you feel comfortable with your dh spending time with your baby even if it is for you to have a rest while your dh plays with her.

Many moons ago, I felt like you do, with my first baby, very protective.
It is natural, just look at animal mothers, they're the same initially.
I confided in my mother and midwife, as it was exhausting me. I trusted then both though, and they helped and encouraged me to relax, it's natural for babies to cry, they don't just cry because they're hungry.
Imagine how you would feel if your husband wouldn't allow you time with your baby, don't push him out. Though you don't like your MIL, it doesn't mean that she won't love her grandchild, the more people that love your baby, the better.
Don't make a rod for your back, be kind to yourself, be brave, put the baby down.💐

There’s no way I’d have been separated for 3-4 hours when mine was 2 months old. Pumping was a mammoth task and I’d need several days to pump enough. I did leave her with my mum to go to a wedding at about 4 months though and that was fine, because I knew it was coming up and knew what I’d need to prepare pumping wise.

The baby is probably lying in the car seat for hours on end,'

Sweeping assumption

*Babies also need to bond with family.

My GP once told me thst they are very sophisticated little creatures- they will ensure they get needs me whoever is caring for them.*

If you carry on like this you run the risk of your child developing insecure attachments rather than healthy ones as she when older will not have experienced feeling safe with anyone other than you , and that is not how to have a mentally healthy child / adult.

Stop posting utter shite with clearly no medical knowledge. Never read such drivel!

OP you do sound dramatic but your baby is very young. As your baby gets older you will likely relax more.

YABU. DH is the equal parent. I would get help for your anxieties because it will not be good for the baby if you carry on like that.
Try going out- even if only for a walk around the block and leave DH to it. It doesn't matter at this stage, except very sad for DH and grandparents but it will soon get to the stage where it will matter.

grunpy

I was in your exact position. BF and mil issues!

I didn’t let mine go. No one died. Every one got over it

YANBU when human babies are born they are not ready to be separated from their mothers. They are born ‘premature’ so that they can fit out of our pelvis. So after they are born physiologically they need to be close to their mothers. It’s sometimes called the 4th trimester. She’s only 2 months. I wouldb’t Listen to people who say you are over anxious. You are acting on mothers instinct. It’s nice your DH wants to spend time with her but why on his own? I think it’s too early for that. I would ask him if he can look after her while you have a nice bath or a nap and maybe try and involve him more in baby’s bath time and nappy changes.

Relaxed mother- relaxed baby (as a very general rule)

I am a firm believer in totally indulging new parents. Let them have things their way because it is their world that has completely changed and they are trying to find their way through it.

But the DH is a new parent too and he is not getting a look in with his own daughter! I think there is a compromise to be found, could you let him look after her at home for a bit while you have a sleep so that you are not watching him, then perhaps build up to going out without you. For your DDs sake, she needs to get to know her dad.

I honestly don’t even understand why the DH wants to take the baby out alone for so long. You should go to. Daddy bonding for us was lots of skin to skin things like baths and sleeping on Daddy’s chest, stuff like that.

MIL holding the baby for 10 mins.. It depends what the baby is doing. If asleep for instance, they can hold for hours if they want. If the baby is fussing and they’re just carrying on holding I wouldn’t be happy.

I used to feel this way. It was such a strong urge to be near her! She's 8.5 months now and I'm still wanting to be near her but also happy for a break sometimes :)

You do need to be able to talk to your dh and accept his role as parent. It’s terriy unfair to him. I would keep it to under 3 hours with an ebf that age. But you should talk to him about mil and how that is influencing your attitude to him taking baby, and suggest for the next couple of months still she sees baby at your house so you don’t panic. Perhaps start with him having baby at your house or just going for walks. Or you get a baby carrier, go for a walk out to a cafe or just around and dh carries the baby in the carrier (we did this a lot, I wasn’t recovered enough to walk carrying baby for long). My dh would have been devastated if I didn’t want him to hold the baby.

'When anyone else holds her I feel twitchy and watch them like a hawk, looking for any excuse to grab her back.'

I certainly didn't feel like this.

I used to love when Tiny dd had snuggles with others.