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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend won't come to my wedding.

765 replies

KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 10:46

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Hiddenmeaning40 · 05/04/2018 10:47

Why would you book your wedding on her birthday?

Spaghettijumper · 05/04/2018 10:48

YANBU. Clearly she's playing games with you. That'd be the end of the friendship for me.

Original poster
KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 10:49

Hidden I didn't intend to but it was the only date that the venue and after party worked with our plans for the rest of the year really. She knew this straight away as I did tell her and she didn't seem bothered.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 05/04/2018 10:50

The birthday thing is nonsense - I presume she knew the date of the wedding when she agreed to be a bridesmaid? I'd be chuffed if my friend got married on my birthday - it'd be a lovely way to celebrate and I could wish her happy anniversary every year - there's no way I'd be a huge toddler and get all stroppy about it being my day.

Leeds2 · 05/04/2018 10:50

When is the wedding? Unless it is next week, I would've thought you could adjust the catering requirements at your Reception venue and at least recoup those costs. Or invite someone else!

PurpleDaisies · 05/04/2018 10:50

Why would you book your wedding on her birthday?

Why not? Confused

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all op. She knew the date before agreeing to be a bridesmaid. It’s rubbish she’s dropped out now. Do you think something else has happened? The excuse doesn’t make sense.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 05/04/2018 10:50

Hidden
Why wouldn’t she? It would not bother me in the slightest to go to a wedding on my birthday. Op I think the birthday is just an excuse.

Original poster
KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 10:51

Leeds I don't know if I can get a refund, I might be able to but the point is her knowing I paid for it (they had a selection and she sent me their choices) and said that she 'couldn't wait'.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/04/2018 10:52

Shame she agreed to it in the first place. Surely she should have been maid of honour, not that it matters now.

Hiddenmeaning40 · 05/04/2018 10:52

She’s probably hurt OP. She’s not handled it well either, of course.

Moving forward, You’ll not be able to celebrate her birthday with her as you’ll be celebrating your anniversary. It isn’t just the wedding day, is it.

mzcracker · 05/04/2018 10:52

The birthday thing is a load of nonsense. There's more going on here. Can you talk to her face to face and find out what's happened?

PurpleDaisies · 05/04/2018 10:53

hidden you’re being absolutely ridiculous.

QueenOfMyWorld · 05/04/2018 10:54

Totally out of order.Unless it's a milestone birthday she is being ridiculous

borlottibeans · 05/04/2018 10:54

my longest friend (time wise, not height wise) Grin

Is she the Queen, with formal birthday celebrations that she needs to grace with her presence in order to avoid an international incident?

If not, this is bizarre. I am a big birthday celebrator (I say this because some people will post here to say that adults shouldn't celebrate their birthdays) and I would absolutely go to anyone's wedding on my birthday. I love weddings and if nothing else you know the cake is going to be taken care of (unless you are not having a cake in which case YABU).

Original poster
KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 10:54

Hidden my 'big' anniversary dates don't correspond with her 'big' birthdays so I don't think that's true.

I will probe more in a bit.

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 05/04/2018 10:55

Seriously Hidden? God what age are you?? Did you plan your wedding around all your friends' birthdays? What if the birthday falls on a Wednesday? Does the celebration absolutely have to happen then or can it wait till Friday/Saturday? Is there no flexibility in your life at all???

Original poster
KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 10:56

Definitely not a milestone birthday.

OP posts:
Cuppaoftea · 05/04/2018 10:56

Agree with others the birthday is an excuse.

Could be they can't afford to attend or there are travel or childcare issues, she could be expecting again or has a family member with ill health she needs to care for.

Whatever the reason she's given you a few months notice so I think YABU to be too upset with her.

Civilsoot · 05/04/2018 10:57

I'm a summer born baby and for 4 consecutive years different friends weddings fell on my birthday. The last wedding was on my 30th birthday so one of the bigger birthdays too.

I loved going to those weddings. I got to dress up, lots of nice food and drinks and all my mutual friends were there too who I don't think I would have seen had they not olso been invited to the wedding. In fact I felt like more of a 'fuss' of me had been made than it would have been ordinarily!

You are not being unreasonable at all. She's being very very precious.

Trinity66 · 05/04/2018 10:58

Really? Is it an big birthday of hers or something? Sounds like something else is bothering her tbh

iTonya · 05/04/2018 10:59

Unless her husband is planning a surprise birthday trip to a once-in-a-life time location (which I am struggling to imagine... I dunno, Beyonce appearing at her local Harvester or something?) then it's genuinely hard to understand what birthday-related plans will be more exciting than a close friend's wedding celebrations.

Tell her she can bring Beyonce along to your wedding but not JayZ

Mydoghatesthebath · 05/04/2018 10:59

Her reason is ridiculous what adult would care about their birthday even a significant one to attend a good friends wedding let alone be bridesmaid.

Nasty cow she sounds op.

bassackwards · 05/04/2018 11:00

Err your friend is being hugely rude and selfish. I'm going to a friend's wedding this year that happens to fall on my birthday and am really looking forward to it - what better way to celebrate?

If a friend did this to me, I would take it as a clear indication that she doesn't value me or the friendship. I'd be really hurt, but wouldn't waste any more of my time on her.

Sorry about the circumstances OP but congrats on your wedding!

ShutTheFridgeUp · 05/04/2018 11:00

Our wedding was on one of my oldest friends birthday. She was fine with it! She spent the day being fed and watered, we gave her a bunch of flowers and made everyone sing happy birthday during the grooms speech.
I think there is more to it than just the birthday thing too.

freakydeakydo · 05/04/2018 11:00

Unless she's 5 going on 6 and having a party then I'm struggling to see why this woman is much of a loss to you Grin

Ditch her. No self respecting adult would make a fuss that their birthday would be overshadowed by a wedding Hmm

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