Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend won't come to my wedding.

765 replies

KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 10:46

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 11:00

Cuppa I'm not 'mad' at her or anything like that, just a bit annoyed after paying and having her dress altered and thought she'd be there. I will be over it soon, more upset than anything.

I'm not having a maid of honour for the record.

Childcare won't be the issue as her children were coming.
Could be a money issue (I doubt it but possible) and it could be expecting (but then I think she'd tell me that as she knows I'd be happy for her).

OP posts:
Iswallowtoothpaste · 05/04/2018 11:01

It would never bother me that my best friend was getting married on my birthday.

In fact, I doubt I could think of a better way to spend a birthday than a wedding.

YANBU OP. She knew the score. If she wasn’t happy, she should’ve said from the get go instead of waiting until you’d paid for her and her family AND her dress. To everyone saying that OP is stealing her thunder by having anniversaries on her birthday, get a grip! How old are you? 6??! Someone kicking off about something like that would mean I was inclined to think that they are a spoiled brat

UpOver · 05/04/2018 11:01

I bet it's not to do with the birthday

PurpleDaisies · 05/04/2018 11:01

Her reason is ridiculous what adult would care about their birthday even a significant one to attend a good friends wedding let alone be bridesmaid.

That’s what made me think it was a cover for another reason.

Curtainshopping · 05/04/2018 11:01

Something else going on, surely.

TomRavenscroft · 05/04/2018 11:02

Weird U-turn. Might there be anything else going on?

CoffeeOrSleep · 05/04/2018 11:02

You should be able to cancel their meals and rejig your seating plan if it's still a few months away. The dress, not sure, contact the store and see if you can refund. Otherwise, get it on eBay as at least if you've got soemthing back you won't feel it's such a waste.

Remember this is money you had already agreed to spend and budgetted for, so shes' not cost you anymore by not coming than she would have done if she'd turned up, try not to focus on how much you've spent compared to if she had just said 'no' at the start.

Flaky people are annoying, but don't give her headspace.

Don't probe further, she's either got a good reason that she doesn't feel able to share with you, so will be upset at being asked - or she's not got a good reason and you'll just be more upset.

TheJoyOfSox · 05/04/2018 11:02

Invite others to fill the space, then you’re not wasting the meals you paid for.
Could you find a replacement bridesmaid in a similar dress size? I know that’s a bit of a long shot, but worth a thought.
Worst case scenario, you sell one brand new bridesmaid dress on eBay or gumtree and get some of your money back for the dress.
You can’t make your friend attend, so you need to look at ways to make your day perfect for you.
You still have a couple of months to sort everything out. I’m sorry your oldest friend has done this, but at least she has given you fair warning.
Have a great wedding.

nicelyneurotic · 05/04/2018 11:02

Wow. That's crazy! I'd be happy to attend a wedding on my birthday, especially if my whole family was invited. There must be something else going on. You're not getting married in Maui are you?

CoffeeOrSleep · 05/04/2018 11:03

oh just seen you've had the dress altered! That's annoying she's waited until that point when you can't just get a refund.

Sell it on, but remember she's not costing you more at this point than you were happy to spend.

category12 · 05/04/2018 11:03

Maybe the dress op chose for the bridesmaid is hideous and her family events always turn into a disaster and the friend is dreading the running battle there will be between the feuding uncles and then there's creepy grandpa... And she just feels like a bit of birthday cake at home is a better bet.

user1474981691 · 05/04/2018 11:03

It sounds like there is something else going on here and she is worried about telling you, or doesn't want to burden you with. Just have a sympathetic chat with her to try and figure out what is going on. Its always uncomfortable at the time but if you don't clear the air it could always be an issue between you both which would be a real shame.

Good luck!

NotAgainYoda · 05/04/2018 11:03

I think Hidden is pulling your leg a bit.

Unless it's her 40th and she's being treated to a trip to New York (or something) then I think that this is all you all you need to know about the esteem with which you are held, OP.

It is what it is. disengage from her a bit

TalkFastThinkSlow · 05/04/2018 11:03

I also think the birthday is an excuse, and YANBU to be pissed off. My birthday wouldn't be enough to stop me going to a wedding, let alone a close friend's.

Mix56 · 05/04/2018 11:04

This is not the behaviour of your longest friend.
yes please do get over it, permanently.

Original poster
KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 11:04

I wish it was a destination wedding Grin

Yes I'll sell the dress etc.

OP posts:
NotAgainYoda · 05/04/2018 11:04

Yes, hopefully a cover for another reason. Although sad if she feels she can't confide in you

Piffle11 · 05/04/2018 11:05

I think she's being overly precious about her birthday: if this is really the reason then why just mention it now? And the ridiculous comment about you not being able to celebrate in future because of your anniversary ... how many people have big plans on their actual birthday? With my group we tend to choose the closest Friday or Saturday to celebrate, rarely the actual day. And my DH and I can't get out to celebrate an anniversary on a weekday due to lack of childcare. My friends and I are at the age now where a card and a little gift suffice, no big celebrations anyway. My birthday is in the summer and a couple of my friends and DH's friends got married on my birthday (one quite close friend). it didn't bother me in the slightest and it ensures I never forget their anniversary! YANBU.

Original poster
KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 11:05

Category well that's down to individual tastes, isn't it?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/04/2018 11:05

Meeting face to face to have a talk about it is probably the best plan if you want to continue being friends.

PurpleDaisies · 05/04/2018 11:07

And she just feels like a bit of birthday cake at home is a better bet.

Come on, you wouldn’t miss your oldest friend’s wedding for that though?

Original poster
KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 11:07

Had a message from her saying something along the lines of 'will be thinking of you on your special day, will be laying low at home enjoying some cake and peace'. I think it's nicely intended but it could be sarcastic Confused not sure now Sad

OP posts:
HobnobBob · 05/04/2018 11:08

What have you said back to her? Yanbu to be annoyed, it’s a bit late of her to back out. What else is going on?

Chocolateyescakeyes · 05/04/2018 11:08

Very, very selfish of her. Is she normally sane or can she often be selfish and inconsiderate?

TomRavenscroft · 05/04/2018 11:09

Fuck, that's rubbing salt in the wound, isn't it? If someone had sprung a birthday surprise trip on her or something, that'd be OK –but she's just having a lazy day at home?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.