Best friend won't come to my wedding.

[KatherineMayfair]

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

Might be really good cake.

X posted. So she’s going to stay at home and eat cake instead?

I might text back asking if she's OK. Why does she feel the need for peace?

There's something else going on here.

One of my parents' friends who came to our wedding (yes, that is a whole other thread) was celebrating his birthday, and I got the room to sing Happy Birthday to him at the start of my speech. He was mortified and his wife was delighted .

No adult would be bothered by celebrating a dear friend's wedding on their birthday. That's just strange.

I'm another one thinking there's more to this. I know you're probably feeling hurt and stressed right now, but if it were me I'd try to meet her face to face to find out what was going on. I'd try to go in assuming there was an explanation for it, but if it turned out there wasn't I would write off the costs and the friendship and focus on enjoying my special day. If one of my close friends weddings was on my birthday, I would see it as a lovely way to spend my day with loved ones, wearing a nice dress, eating a nice meal (and cake) and having a dance. My first though though would be wanting to see my friend happy on their wedding and making sure they had an amazing day! Is she the type of person who wants all of the attention and can't stand anyone else having any?

What an odd thing to happen? Does she have form for this sort of thing? I mean is she generally flaky or is this really out of character? If its the latter I would be inclined to pop round to see her and have a chat and see if there is something more to this.

Only you know her well enough to know how to proceed, but it sounds to me like there is something more to it. If she's actually told you she will be lying low at home rather than being at your wedding, that's either an olive branch (I've been silly, help me come back from this) or a cry for help (I want to talk to you but can't tell a secret, please drag it out of me).

If not either of those, it's diva behaviour and would annoy me.

I too was short of a bridesmaid on my wedding day because of some diva behaviour, and lost the friendship as a result.

I'd be really honest with her and tell her you are confused and hurt.
Ask her why it wasn't a problem until now and explain that you've already paid for her dress and alterations.
I feel there's probably something she isn't telling you about as she already knew the wedding was on her birthday so that can't be the real reason!

Whatever the issue, if she's decided to step down as a bridesmaid then she needs to reimburse you for the money you have already spent on her.

More seriously, I'd be concerned by the "laying low" part - is there something going on with her you're not aware of?

I had one of my best ever birthdays at a wedding. It was great. Sounds like there’s more going on here than just the birthday.

Took me a few tries to get past the height comment

YANBU. She said yes. You spent money on that basis. Now she changes her mind. Yup, that's pretty crap. A friend wouldn't do that, let alone a long one

Something else going on here. Could have developed a life threatening illness and not want to cast a shadow over your big day? Or marital problems? Hope not, obviously, but tread lightly just in case.

Maybe she agreed to come half thinking her dh was going to tell her she couldn't as he had big plans blah blah. Now she knows the only plans focus on you she has spat her dummy right out and is going to flounce around the house eating cake instead!!

I have my parents, one set of grandparents, a brother and a sister, all of whom get on very well so I don't think there's going to be hysterics. Her cake may be good but I doubt it's as good as my chocolate one very similar to this (and yes, this is off google but it's very close).

she ditched your wedding so she could eat cake at home and she told you that's all she was doing, definitely something amiss here

Is this the biggest 'You OK Hun?' effort ever? I'd be tempted to say, Fine then! We'll be thinking about you too while we eat OUR WEDDING CAKE too! and leave her to it.

This probably isn't the most mature way to handle it though.

I don't know if that message was meant to be a dig with the peace and quiet comment or if she was genuinely wishing me well

So call her. You have nothing to lose

My wedding was on one of my best friends birthdays. I had a balloon attached to her chair and got an extra bottle of bubbles for their table. I think your friend is just making up excuses?

Xpost So call her

Her message to me is a hint there's definitely something else going on in her life Op.

'Laying low', enjoying cake and 'peace', hopefully it is happy news such as she's expecting and isn't ready to announce it yet rather than she has other health issues or all isn't well in her own relationship with her DH.

I'd send her a message saying something along the lines of you hope all is well with her, you're always there to chat, not to worry about not attending your wedding and thank her for her best wishes.

You'll probably find out in time what's really going on.

Can you ask the friends dh if something is up op?

He might not even be aware of the change of plan.

Just a thought but is her marriage in a good place right now? Maybe the idea of another year older and stuck with an awful dh is just too much to be with him at a wedding - fears she may bring a black cloud to your day with her resting moody face?

No that’s a cryptic message! Something else going on. Please call her op and then come back

what, about reply
"why don't you just tell me what the fuck is going on ?"