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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend won't come to my wedding.

765 replies

KatherineMayfair · 05/04/2018 10:46

Best friend is a bit of a stretch right now but she is my longest friend (time wise, not height wise). She was going to be a bridesmaid and my wedding is in a few months, however I got a message today from her saying she won't be attending as it's on her birthday. It is on her birthday but she knew that when she agreed and I bought her dress. If she'd have said it from the get-go then that would've been fine (I'd have still been a bit hurt but I'd have understood) but the fact that she's turned around now, after me paying for her and her husband and two children's meals for the wedding, RSPV'd yes and buying her dress, AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
MaverickSnoopy · 05/04/2018 11:50

I would have to phone her. This is really odd. I'd say to her that given that she knew when your wedding was and she'd already accepted, you're worried that there's something going on and that she's not ok as this is very out of character for her.

Roussette · 05/04/2018 11:50

I think she's pathetic. Her, that is. Are you telling me she's pulled out of being a bridesmaid a matter of weeks before your wedding because she's suddenly remember it's her birthday on that day?

Nah.

You are being really nice, I would've been straight on the phone saying, what the hell is going on, I've paid for the dress, you are my oldest friend and you fancy sitting at home and eating cake instead of coming to our wedding?

CupofFrothyCoffee · 05/04/2018 11:51

Why would you book your wedding on her birthday?

If you were to take every guests birthday into consideration when booking a wedding, you'd be pretty screwed for dates.

Karakandchipattis · 05/04/2018 11:51

My best friend got married on DD's 6th birthday. DD was expected just to deal with it. Seems odd from an adult!

Heartofglass12345 · 05/04/2018 11:52

That cake looks amazing, can I be your bridesmaid Grin
On a more serious note, I hope you manage to sort it out Thanks

category12 · 05/04/2018 11:52

I think you should say you're really upset and shocked that she's pulling out at this stage and worried something's wrong.

Does she use mumsnet?

MrsHathaway · 05/04/2018 11:53

I guess what you say is that you're really hurt by her late change of plans (for a bridesmaid, two months is late, particularly after confirming attendance and having dress fittings) and it's so out of character for her you can't help but worry about her. You aren't going to intrude on her privacy if she doesn't want to go into the details, but given the circumstances you can only think there's something else going on and you want her to know you're there for her.

Kind of thing.

I mean, it could be serious illness in the wider family, or her DH ramping up some kind of coercive control, or financial disaster, or bloody hell who knows. But it's a really odd thing to do without some kind of unusual circumstances pushing it.

TomRavenscroft · 05/04/2018 11:53

You are being really nice, I would've been straight on the phone saying, what the hell is going on, I've paid for the dress, you are my oldest friend and you fancy sitting at home and eating cake instead of coming to our wedding?

Yes, this.

Pastaagain78 · 05/04/2018 11:53

This is weird. Either she has something terrible going on and doesn’t want to tell you and spoil your wedding or she is really just letting you down. If it’s that, I would cool that friendship.

EightdaysaweekIloveu · 05/04/2018 11:55

YANBU her excuse is ridiculous. But if she is your longest/closet friend pick up the phone and ring her and talk about it, don't let things fester via text. If she sticks to her reasoning that she wants to stay home for a quiet birthday I would say'Are you really pulling out of my wedding for your birthday'?' Let her know that you will be disappointed. If there is nothing else going on with her, then she is not really a friend.

Giving her the benefit of the doubt that there is something else going on because what friend does not go to their friends wedding as it's their birthday? The mind boggles.

CoffeeOrSleep · 05/04/2018 11:55

Another thought, is she someone who normally has a lot of attention on her? Could there be an element of making this all about her, then she'll agree to come along to 'save the day'? Or not, but see you upset and your perfect day be less perfect because she's not there?

I wouldn't call her later. Leave it. if she's after a bit of drama, she'll contact you if she thinks you're just going to go ahead without her and not give a shit.

IF she's not being dramatic and there's something going on, if she wanted to tell you about it, she would have done or she'll call you/arrange to meet up.

Cancel her meal, the venue should be able to cope with a change of numbers this far in advance. Try to sell on the dress, but don't get yourself stressed about it - you'd have spent that money if she came, so it's not something extra she's cost you.

Focus on who is going to be there and making it a special day. Don't chase her to see how she is and try to get her to tell you what's going on.

MrsHathaway · 05/04/2018 11:55

Could she have found out that someone else is invited and Really Really Really want to avoid them?

That kind of situation sometimes comes up on MN (sometimes it's an embarrassing ex or a partner's ex, or someone at work they can't bear) and lots of people really feel like they have to bail at that point, but don't want to put pressure on the B&G to choose between their guests.

YellowFlower201 · 05/04/2018 11:55

You're being very nice about this OP.
HOpe you get some better answers later. If not i would be distancing myself and moving onto some better friendships.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/04/2018 11:55

Ok, so my theory was completely wrong! In which case I agree that this is both baffling and unacceptable. I do think you probably need to see her face to face to work out if she really is being this selfish (in which case I don't think I'd consider her a friend again) or if there's something else going on - I think that even if she doesn't tell you what it is, you'll be able to work out whether that's the case.

LagunaBubbles · 05/04/2018 11:56

Why are you pussyfooting around her? Unless there's a bloody good reason, she's being an utter selfish rude bitch. Wanting a quiet day at home on you bestie's wedding day is incomprehensible to me. Friends don't do that

Absolutely this! Why arent you telling her how you feel? I would doubt the friendship will continue for much longer anyway. Confront her, you dont let people treat you like this.

OakIsBetterTho · 05/04/2018 11:56

I'm amazed at your level of self restraint to be honest, I can't believe you haven't said a word about how hurt you are or how inconsiderate it is for her to change her plans at such late notice.
In fact, thinking about it, there simply has to be more to this, it's too bizarre. My bet would be on marriage problems tbh.

BlooBagoo · 05/04/2018 11:56

Almost exactly the same thing happened to me (she didn't have the birthday excuse though). I had a great day but it felt odd that she wasn't there and I have never managed to get a reason that makes sense out of her. DH thinks she was jealous as she has been with her DP for much longer but she used to always say she didn't ever want to get married so I don't know. Things are still off between us and I don't know if they'll ever be the same again.

Mia1415 · 05/04/2018 11:56

I'd actually be really hurt at her response. The bitch in me would want to respond 'and I wanted to enjoy my wedding day with my best friend as bridesmaid'. However that would probably not be the best thing to do!

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2018 11:56

She’s been bloody rude and the ‘laying low’ implies she’s avoiding the OP.

I’d tell her I’m hurt and cross because she’s treated you really badly,

InspMorse · 05/04/2018 11:57

If it was a big milestone b'day and she had already booked & arranged a huge party BEFORE you booked your wedding - I could understand.

However, that's not the case so she is either being totally ridiculous (an ordinary is of no interest to anyone when you're an adult) or she's using it as an excuse for not coming... is there any reason you could think of why?

toolonglurking · 05/04/2018 11:58

Absolutely bizarre behaviour from your friend, I'm inclined to agree with pp that there must be more to it, she maybe doesn't want to upset you, but she is being an idiot.

WatchingFromTheWings · 05/04/2018 11:58

The fact she's 'laying low' to me suggests something has happened and she's embarrassed. Maybe she made a pass at the groom-to-be? Or shagged the best men (or someone else in the wedding party)? There's more to this than she's letting on!

SoozC · 05/04/2018 11:58

I had a friend who married on my 25th birthday. I'd already planned a celebration (so replied 'no' when I got the invite, which was a month or two before the day) but all of my friends went to her wedding so it ended up being my family only... I was annoyed (but had a good time on the day), but at least I hadn't told her I'd be there and then cancelled on her at short notice. There must be some other reason she's suddenly 'remembered' it's her birthday - bridesmaids do not just decide not to be a bridesmaid with a month or two to go without some big reason.

InspMorse · 05/04/2018 11:59

Does she not like the dress? Hmm

GetAwayFromHer · 05/04/2018 11:59

Why drippy? You tell me!

It's much more 'entertaining' to eke out an AIBU thread with drips of info than call her. You don't sound unassertive to me. You've had suggestions of what to say...

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