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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going to a wedding whilst off sick with morning sickness...

224 replies

Roquella · 04/04/2018 12:41

Originally posted on the pregnancy board but know that AIBU tends to get some pretty honest answers so posting here also.

Due to go to a very close friend's wedding tomorrow. I'm currently off work with sickness and nausea. The sickness is a lot better since I was put on medication a few days ago however the nausea is still quite awful.

I know I'll have to sit out the ceremony if I wake up and am having a bad day, which is fine. I also know that at the reception if I have to run off and be sick I can do.

My issue is, I'm off work currently until at least the end of this week. Is it acceptable for me to attend a wedding reception and not be at work? I have two nights booked in a hotel which I cannot refund, have bought my dress and shoes, and feel like 3 hours at a wedding reception to show my face is a lot easier than an 8 hour day at work with a 3 hour round commute. My hotel room will be upstairs and I can nip up to sleep whenever I fancy.

Thoughts? Last thing I want is to be in trouble with the boss and am genuinely considering pulling out, however would much rather see my friend get married of course.

Honest opinions please Smile

OP posts:
53rdWay · 04/04/2018 13:19

If you're well enough to go to a wedding then you're well enough to work.

Showing your face at a wedding where you can spend most of the time in a hotel room puking is not the same as being fit for a full day’s work.

user1471459936 · 04/04/2018 13:19

Go! Going to a wedding is nothing like being at work all day (plus commute). If you feel ill you can presumably go for a rest. The hotel bed is probably big and comfortable. It'll do you good to get out. Hopefully it'll take your mind off being unwell. Don't feel guilty about work. It really isn't the same.

Fflursan · 04/04/2018 13:19

I wouldn’t go.

If you are well enough to go to a wedding you're well enough to go to work.

It will most definitely come back and leave a huge gash on your backside.

category12 · 04/04/2018 13:20

It's taking the piss a bit. And you won't be able to control whether you appear on social media as people will take pictures

Certcert · 04/04/2018 13:21

Would it be extremely unwise of me to just call her and ask her advice?

Yes. I'm not sure she'd take you seriously. Sorry.

ilovesooty · 04/04/2018 13:21

If you are off sick now and will continue to be off sick afterwards you ate presumably off sick on the actual day of the wedding.
Off sick with a physical ailment means you can't go to a wedding in my opinion.
And being pregnant doesn't protect you from being disciplined for inappropriate use of sick leave as far as I know.
I can see why you want to try to go but I don't think you should. Do you have any insurance that might cover the hotel cost?

daisychain01 · 04/04/2018 13:27

Im struggling to understand the problem OP. Are you overthinking this?

You're taking two days annual leave (presumably tomorrow, Thurs and Fri ) for the wedding which have already been preapproved.

You've been signed off sick for a number of days prior, due to pg related sickness. Those dates have been covered by self certification if less than 7 days or with Fit Note from GP if more, right?

You'll be returning to work on Monday as scheduled.

Why do you even need to discuss the matter or justify yourself with your Manager, you recovered sufficiently to attend the wedding later in the week even though you were unfit for work earlier in the week. What's the problem?

Gromance02 · 04/04/2018 13:29

Massively taking the piss. If I saw someone out at a 'do' when they were too poorly to go to work, I would think it was a massive piss take.

Certcert · 04/04/2018 13:31

I do think working an 8 hour day (11 hours with travel) is different to attending a wedding reception for 3 hours however seem to have divided opinions here!

I don't see it like that.

I, personally, would see it as you are too ill to do much, up to and including, work.

Not that you are to ill to work but can manage a wedding. I hope I'm making sense? (obviously there are exceptions).

NellMangel · 04/04/2018 13:31

I'd go to the wedding. But I would make sure I was back at work the next available working day (Monday?), regardless of how terrible I felt. If asked I would say I felt a bit better by wedding day so was able to show my face.

juneau · 04/04/2018 13:32

I think I'd go, but not tell work, as clearly you can just pop upstairs to rest if you need to, which is hardly an option while at work. Is anyone from work going to be there? If not and they ask you can tell them that you didn't go.

Lookingforadvice123 · 04/04/2018 13:32

The only way I would go is if you’re sure you’ll be back in work Monday - therefore take your two days’ leave for the wedding as planned.

I do get where you’re coming from in terms of being able to take it more easy than a day’s work, but it would still appear you’re putting more effort into attending the wedding than attending work, ie you could’ve explored working reduced hours or working from home before being signed off as sick 100%.

I’m a line manager to someone who is off sick a lot, and whilst I obviously haven’t said anything when they’ve been off with depression and attended social events, when she was off with a “chest infection” and I then saw on Facebook that she was planning on attended a fireworks display, I was really cross. A physical ailment is different.

53rdWay · 04/04/2018 13:34

Oh, I missed that you were signed off for this week at the moment anyway. Yes, as NellMangel says: go, but go into work on Monday (and take more sick leave after that if you’re still struggling of course).

viques · 04/04/2018 13:35

I would take it as holiday rather than sick. I would be extremely miffed if a colleague booked time off as holiday then asked for those days to be allowed as sick days and the holiday leave restored so they could go to a wedding. I wouldn't care that you were still a bit sick, I would see it as extremely cf.

daisychain01 · 04/04/2018 13:35

There will always be people like you Gromance who think that when someone is unfit for work they should lock themselves away in a dark room and only emerge back into real life when they can drag their conniving carcass back to their desk.

The OP is clearly trying to keep her job going whilst having to manage extreme pg sickness, and balance with family obligations, she's hardly deliberately "taking the piss".

Nicknacky · 04/04/2018 13:36

If I am sick during annual leave, my annual leave is cancelled and I get it another time. Would that be the case here and the op WOULD be attending during sick leave rather than pre booked leave?

Eatsleepworkrepeat · 04/04/2018 13:36

Is it worth it? I know when I had morning sickness the thought of attending a wedding, standing around for photos, the food smells, drunk people... Urgh just no.

GertrudeBelle · 04/04/2018 13:36

There’s an extremely high chance that you will be disciplined for malingering.

If you think it is ok, why not tell work first and clear it with them?

ilovesooty · 04/04/2018 13:40

I think I've miscounted the days. Blush

If you are planning on taking Thursday and Friday as prearranged annual leave thus declaring yourself fit from Thursday and will definitely be returning on Monday that is a bit different. I don't think you can take the days of the wedding trip as sick leave and go.

user1471459936 · 04/04/2018 13:40

What are all these jobs that are as easy / relaxing as being at a friend's wedding?! All those saying if you are well enough to briefly attend a wedding must have jobs with very low responsibility.

applesisapple5 · 04/04/2018 13:43

What is your work like generally, are they understanding?

I had sciatica and was signed off work for two weeks, and had a long weekend in Bath booked so flew down and used the spa there [amazing by the way, so healing for my back] and flew back. I told my work I had gone, they saw it as totally different to sitting in pain for 8 hours at a desk, but they're generally a fantastic workplace. I did use annual leave, not sick leave.

Then again, I also missed a wedding just because I knew I wouldn't manage the travel three weeks later when I got morning sickness.

The joys of pregnancy, I do hope you feel better soon!

TheShapeofYou · 04/04/2018 13:45

I would go OP. I was signed off for 6 weeks with HG with ds2 but still went on a week's "holiday" within that (if you can call sleeping most of the time in a lodge in Dorset, and feeling sick and dizzy every time I opened my eyes, a holiday).

I would go and take it easy. Use your annual leave. Then if you're fit enough for work on Monday be open and honest. You never know, your boss might be kind and say as you had a sick note to cover the period and it's pregnancy related illness then she'll not deduct the annual leave but use sick leave instead (at least it will be here making the decision tho).

daisychain01 · 04/04/2018 13:46

Nicknacky if I was the OP, I would go back to work on Monday, and clear the situation with her line manager that she took Thurs and Friday as the preapproved Annual Leave because she had recovered sufficiently to attend the wedding, even though she had to keep a low profile and went to bed early.

Pg symptoms are unpredictable (something the OP could remind the manager about) and had she not felt well enough, she would have declared the Thurs and Fri as sick leave. The manager would be unlikely to argue with the OP on that basis, it's perfectly reasonable and professional.

Original poster
Roquella · 04/04/2018 13:46

Thanks all for your responses. I'm not the type to just go and lie about it or not mention it to my manager. I like to think that integrity is a strong point of mine.

I bit the bullet and phoned my manager. I probably should have done this in the first place. Long story short, I work in law enforcement which is currently office based due to pregnancy. I deal with live work and cannot make a mistake as it can lead to injury or loss of life.

My manager had told me to go to the wedding and take it as sick. She stated that she suffered from morning sickness in both of her pregnancies and on good days could've attended a wedding but not this job. She needs her staff to be alert but also doesn't want me to end up a hermit like she did.

She's consulted HR who agree.

Thanks again for all of your responses. Looks like I have very nice management!

OP posts:
londonrach · 04/04/2018 13:47

Yabu, iwouldnt as you risk your job. Not unless you return to work the day before.

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