To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

[Lactofreechummy]

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

I’d be kicking off if I was expected to provide free childcare for the entire holidays because the children’s parents assumed I would.

You and your ex need to have a conversation in advance of the holidays and make some decisions about who has the children when.

The stepmum should be asked when she can help, not have the kids dumped on her without having a say.

I don't think people are sounding bitter, but I doing think that, looking at it objectively, you have a very good deal. You are getting £80 per week, but he is having them 2 nights per week for 39 weeks of the year (78 nights) plus all the holidays (91 nights) which is 169 nights Vs your 195 nights, but he's actually spending the whole day with them on his days, whereas you're sending them to school for all 195 days of your contact days.

Whether he would otherwise be looking after his other child is irrelevant, too. He doesn't get to take the children because he is already not child free. That's a dreadful attitude. What if his DP's DM offered to look after their child, so they could go out for the day? They never can because you always have a child free weekend. There's no balance whatsoever.

Lougle's sums are better than mine. 😁

School holidays should be split equally. Quality time with your kids? Did you not book any time off knowing a 2 week school holiday was coming up.
You say he does the bare minimum but he has them 3 days a week and you have them 4 and expect him to take them for most of the holidays.
I think yabu

Have you gone op? Now you’re realised that you actually are a cf?

So, let me understand this, your ex has a girlfriend and a 2 year old, works full time, has his dc every weekend, pays you £80 per week maintenance and splits care of your dc 50/50 over holidays.

You have every weekend free as you don't work weekends, expect your ex's gf to provide childcare because hey, she's already got one and she'll hardly notice another two . You get £80 to towards the upkeep of your dc for the 5 days they're with you.

You do actually sound like you don't much want to spend time with your dc; I'd never give up every weekend with my ds those are the fun days. I think you don't have any idea how good you have it compared to some (see lots of pp comments). You need to formalise childcare arrangements and stop winging it and then wondering why it's not working.

@lougle did you work at the CSA?!? I did years ago and worked out shared care the way you have, I think you're spot on by the way

If you base the calculations on someone earning £30k (which I'm guessing is his rough wage based on what he is paying - 2 nights a week on that would give £320 a month), having 2 NRC and 1 RC and having the NRC 169 nights a year the online calculator works out at £45 per week for both children. OP - I'd suggest you wind your neck in as you could be finding your maintenance cut if he goes through CMS.

A lot of very bitter women here projecting

You are the only bitter person on this thread. Take a good look at yourself.

Is this a reverse? Are you really the step mum? Because otherwise, I can’t see how you don’t realise that you’ve got a good deal. He has them all weekend, every weekend and it sounds like he’s paying over the amount calculated by the cms, plus you get all other child related benefits. You may be paying out for swimming lessons but you’re not paying to entertain them when they’re not at school. Then you want him to do all the school holidays too, how do you expect him to get all that time off work? Between you presumably you get 8 weeks holiday, then the rest needs to be holiday clubs/ unpaid leave shared equally between you, not just him. And you certainly shouldn’t assume his new gf will do it, whether they have a child or not.

When do you have FUN with your children? Why don't you want to? And don't you think it's a bit daft to not to have a formal childcare arrangement in place over the holidays - rather than an unspoken agreement - when you both work?

I'm the resident parent. My exh has our son every other weekend and that's that. Holiday childcare is on me. It's a ballache. But it is what it is. I also get no maintenance at the moment because he's up to his eyes in debt. The most I've ever had is £100 a month.

"No I don’t work weekends."

Is there any possibility of you being able to fulfill two of your working days over the weekend? If that was something your employer could enable and would agree to, then you would only have to find 3 days childcare per week in the school holidays, instead of 5 (assuming you work full-time).

If that's not a possibility, then perhaps you would be better off if you and your ex alternated contact. For example, you could have the children over the weekend one week, and through the week the next (with your ex picking up the opposite 'shift', so to speak).
That would give you extra 'free' time with your children, over 'your' weekend ... and also would leave you with far less childcare to have to find, over the school holidays.

Is that something you and he would consider?

Yeah you're a CF. He has them every weekend. You could work then to get some extra cash. Or appreciate the absolutely vast amount of down time you have.

I wasn’t intrigued so went onto the child maintenance calculator.

If he was earning £600 a week, which isn’t bad money after tax, and has your child for six weeks of school holidays as well as two nights a week, whilst having his own child... the rate is £61 a week.

He’d have to be earning £800 a week for £80 to be the standard maintenance rate.

If he was having them for just over half of the holidays (156-174 nights a year) that £800 a week would give you £65 a week. He’d have to be earning £1000 gross a week to pay that amount.....

Yes, it’s the bare minimum etc.... but he’s doing a decent share of the parenting =\

My ex used to do sleepover at his, once a month. Now it doesn’t happen at all. No holidays, nothing. Once every 6/7 weeks, he’ll drive down and take DS out for a few hours.

It’s crap but....women are still “left holding the baby”.

When the skids were dropped off or picked up at the start of the holiday, was there NO discussion at all about how long they were staying away? I find that odd that neither parent would have said anything, even if it was just “see you next week”?,

My youngest was a baby when me and ex split, son is now 19, ex never had our 2 kids once in the holidays, not once. Every request was a flat no, he rarely had them, never over night. I worked throughout, full time, I had to work childcare out weeks in advance, ex never paid a penny towards it.

It's going to be a long future here in view of the fact that they're only 6 & 8.

I think it would be a good move to give full residency to the father and YOU have 'contact' time with the kids every weekend.
That way the kids would actually get to spend some quality time with their mum instead of scraps 'before and after school' and inbetween the normal day to day routine.

You might even learn to enjoy their company......

They're your kids OP, why can't you take time off to look after them during the school holidays?

So you both work...each weekend you get to relax and do whatever you want while your ex has all the child care responsibilities. And he's doing the bare minimum??

You are, seriously, taking the piss. Expecting him to have them for the vast majority of the holiday without having the discussion first, and have his girlfriend look after them?

Yikes. Just fucking Yikes.

He has them every weekend?! That’s quite a lot, I would be pretty chuffed with that. However, that said, I think you need something for the holidays going forward.

Good grief. Have you thought about being the non resident parent? You only have to have them eow then and by the sounds of it you can step that down after a bit if you like

DuckAndPancakes

Not sure that is correct as DH earns £2500 roughly a month and pays nearly £500 a month .... can’t be exact as not totally sure without looking at the paperwork.

For two children...