To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

[Lactofreechummy]

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

Honestly, this has infuriated me. You are basically implying his new partner should be default childcare for you and your ex. Why? If you and your ex have to work, pay for childcare like everyone else.

As he has them every weekend and has in the past had them nearly every day of every holiday, with OP having “one weekend at the end”, is she definitely the RP?

There are an awful lot of holidays and I don’t know how the numbers work but she doesn’t have them much more than her ex does.

I'm RP and Ex hasn't ever had DS1 for the lions share of anything, ever. In 12 years he's never had him any more simply because it's the holidays. As awful as it is this is just how our family works and I've always been thankful Ex doesn't demand more time with DS1 because, selfishly, I love the holidays with the DC. We get to have fun, relax and just switch off from our "have you got your socks on, brush your teeth, where's your lunchbox, homework time" monotony of term time.

YABU to suggest all NRP's 'should' do more in the holidays. In your case it would help you, so speak to him and ask for the help.

Surely if you have them Sunday night to Fri morning (assuming that's 1 hour before school and 3.5 after, ie about 19 odd hours of available contact time in the week plus a couple hrs Sunday night and a couple for spare) and he has them Every weekend (3.5hrs Fri night, 12-13 hours Saturday and about 6-8 hours Sunday), you have equal contact time? 🤔

“Only” £320 per month ....?

Op I think you are being a bit unreasonable here.

The problem is you have no agreement. Can you sit down together and agree a mutually beneficial solution for the school holidays? Childcare is expensive, so it is understandable that he may want the time spent, or childcare expenses, shared.

If you can't reach an agreement together, you could try mediation.

Not sure why everyone is pussyfooting around the OP here when she is being a massive CF.

its reasonable to work out at the start of the year exactly where they will be each week of the holidays..so you can both plan and budget. i assume you have tried that??

morningseleven because as I mentioned further up we have an unwritten rule that he has them the majority of the time whilst I get a weekend and a couple of days in between.

That's the problem.

The 'unwritten rules' need to be sorted out and written.

It sounds like you're both leaving childcare to pot luck.

mrsmaxwell yes I know it sounds like a lot but I’ve just had to pay for next terms swimming lessons for them both in full and that’s set me back over £150, they both need new shoes so that’s £50 gone just like that. Never mind everything else they’ll need.

Equal contact time?! Fucking seriously!

I think you need to plan in advance rather than assuming. It sounds like in the past he has had them for the majority of holidays and CSA was probably calculated on that basis - if he now plans on having them less, then ask him if he will split the extra cost of childcare with you or increase the CM. 50/50 holiday time sounds like a reasonable expectation in the absence of a formal agreement so I don't think he was unreasonable.

I get what you mean but I think expecting the gf to have them is wrong. My ex is with someone else now and if he said he couldn’t have ds well then I’d get on with it- and have recently when he’s gone abroad.

I do understand though that where I don’t work (disabled) and you do, it feels like you get all the crap work. I know you know this, but next time maybe plan for the next hols during this one- so for half term and summer hols ask how he’d like to split it or present your suggestions. I’d also always plan for a back up in case he’s ill or decides to change his mind so you’re not up shit creek

Well I suppose I shouldn’t assume then.

Dad’s are expected to do so little.

How I wish I could have offloaded DS1 onto his father, even just for a weekend. I was a lone parent for 10 years (before I met the saintly Mr smallchance - I had to put that, I suspect he lurks on here). I've spent silly money on childcare so I could both earn a living and retain a shred of sanity. You have an ex who has them EVERY weekend. You're lucky. No his partner shouldn't have to do free childcare. If I was her I might even be complaining that I'd like the occasional weekend without them. It's up to you and your ex to come to some arrangement. Does he contribute towards their upkeep? If so then his contribution should be reduced to take account of any additional time he has them. Perhaps you and your ex need a written agreement of who is going to contribute what in terms of childcare and finances.

As Queen says above, I do all of the slog through the week, fighting to get them to bed on time and having the be the evil bastard that wakes them up in the morning when all they want to do is sleep etc. Well wouldn't it be nice to have some holiday time with them?

To be honest if he has them every weekend and school holidays I think £80 a week isn't bad as it would be almost a 50/50 split. (You have them 39 weeks times 5 days is 195 days, if he has them all holidays and every weekend he has them 170 days) I'm assuming you get the child benefit.

MrsMaxwell, £320 per month is only £40 per child per week.

Not a great deal of money when you consider how quickly kids grow and how much they eat etc.

You need to sit down and work out holidays for the next year, u can't just assume. If your working ft and not receiving help with chilcare via tax credits then it wouldn't be unreasonable to split holiday care costs between you

Lactofreechummy

But none of those things are unexpected expenses - they are things you have told budget for and decide whether you can afford (swimming lessons for instance).

I know it’s not easy (bought up 3 alone with a useless ex and a lot less maintenance) but it sounds like you need to firm up your plans with you ex and do a budget for your money.

Worra they are eating at the dads for a large part of the year.

I live with my DC’s father and we have to discuss childcare responsibilities for holidays well in advance - doesn’t everyone if both parents work? Hardly matters who is the RP - point is everyone needs to plan.

I also think your ‘only £80 a week’ and every weekend is going to put backs up.

WorraLiberty

I am aware of that I got £300 a month for 3 kids.

Yes I get the CB. And exactly, £40 per week is f**k all! He reckons he can’t contribute anymore though.

Sorry OP but you are a massive CF

Do you work at weekends, Lactofreechummy?

Have you gone through the CMS op?