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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

362 replies

Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 18:55

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

OP posts:
lougle · 02/04/2018 20:23

@GiveMyHeadPeaceffs no, I've never worked at the CSA, in just a geek Grin

Matilda2013 · 02/04/2018 20:25

We have this exact set up and holidays are split 50/50. I don’t see why your ex should be expected to do all the holidays. Surely no one even has annual leave for that anyway and they’re BOTH of your children so half and half is fair. Also his girlfriend has already helped out. Not her job to look after your children while you don’t think it’s your responsibility.

MismatchedStripySocks · 02/04/2018 20:25

‘Ex only pays £80 per week for them both. I never get help with shoes, uniforms, after school clubs etc’

Erm....isn’t this what maintenance is for? Hmm

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 02/04/2018 20:29

I do think some women hold their exes to incredibly low standards. However, I think you’re being unreasonable. He does not do the bare mimimum and you’re being ridiculous to suggest that. However, childcare and long school holidays is stressful and I have empathy for that.

DuckAndPancakes · 02/04/2018 20:30

@MrsMaxwell could be that he’s paying more than necessary but also dependent on how many nights a year he has them and if he has other children too.

Quartz2208 · 02/04/2018 20:30

You do everything for them because they are your children.

The maths is right the divide between the two of you is not that much - he is not responsible for childcare during the holidays you both are

I would say 50/50 in the holidays is completely fair

MrsMaxwell · 02/04/2018 20:33

DuckAndPancakes

He just had his review.

Our issue is that he is in the forces so drives a long way to get his kids and gets some of his get you home pay from work and the CMS takes this money into their calculations but only takes into consideration the petrol to get the kids to us wheh they are actually in the car which is a bit shit tbh!

Schmonday · 02/04/2018 20:34

Also... If you take his contribution of £320 a month and double it with your contribution - do 2 children cost more than £640 a month?

cantkeepawayforever · 02/04/2018 20:34

He has had them for a week of the holiday.

You have them for a week of the holiday.
At the very least, that is fair.

If you work on 'waking hours per week', he has them for, say, 26 (2 x 13 hours at weekends). You have them, in term time, for around 26.5 (about 5.5 hours M-Th, about 3 hours Sun evening and about 1.5 hours Friday eve) - so 50:50 in terms of 'hours of awake care'.

Therefore holidays should be the same : 50% each.

cantkeepawayforever · 02/04/2018 20:36

Equally, I agree with above poster: you contribute £320, he contributes £320 - £640 per month is OK for 2 children?

OohMavis · 02/04/2018 20:37

So he's had them for a week and you're complaining that you have to have them for this week?

He has them every holiday and 90% of weekends? And this is the bare minimum? When do you actually see your children?!

Is this a reverse Hmm

DuckAndPancakes · 02/04/2018 20:40

@MrsMaxwell I’m just going off the gov website and throwing numbers in to get the output this lady is getting in her circumstances.

I know they never used to take into consideration a lot of things when I went through them years ago and it was a total ball ache. ExP has been paying the same rate of maintenance since DD was 2 (now 8) but we were moved to “a private agreement” which means I can’t get CSA to re-evaluate without then having to pay them money to do so. I’m 100% sure he’s earning more and should be paying more, but I just take my£200 a month and am thankful that it’s something.

It goes down the more the NR parent has the child and if they have another child that lives FT with them.

DuckAndPancakes · 02/04/2018 20:43

She also gets the child benefit for the children, which is another £32(?) a week as well as any tax credits she gets alongside working. Maybe another £50 a week or maybe more/less depending on what she earns. That’s another £328ish a month.

MrsMaxwell · 02/04/2018 20:46

Yeah my ex has paid the same always - we split when I was pregnant with DS2 (who is now 16!!) and I never bothered getting CSA involved as figured I could end up worse off!

Coco134 · 02/04/2018 20:46

Well ain’t you a massive CF!!

He has them every weekend. While you get to do whatever you want! And nearly all the school holidays!

You see your kids for an hour before school and a few hours after only and you think he does the bare minimum! Fucking hell, what a joke. Do you actually spend any quality time with your kids?! Because from what you describe you barely see them!

You are practically 50/50! And you want him to have all the school holidaysHmm

I’m not surprised the gf has had a moan and said no she won’t look after them. Why the fuck should she! I wouldn’t, good on her!

You only get £80 a week as well when you both practically have them for the same amount of time ‘awake hours’.

Cheeky fucker!

NapQueen · 02/04/2018 20:50

I was pondering what the hpothetical scenario would be with dh if we separated. He works term time only so in my head I do mon-fri termtime and he and I share the weekends, then swap during holidays as he is off all of them anyways.

But arent most break ups quite tense and result in animosity? So all that sensible planning goes out the window.

Greggers2017 · 02/04/2018 20:53

I'm not the original poster and I do think she's being unfair but why do people think a Mum who doesn't have her children at weekends is a bad Mum? Just asking?

Nicknacky · 02/04/2018 20:55

No one said she is a bad mum but weekends are when you get to chill out with the kids and have fun with them. Why didn’t the op want that time with them? They are away all weekends and all holidays.

MrsMaxwell · 02/04/2018 20:56

OP probably left after being asked if she actually likes her kids - which is a pretty mean thing to say IMO and not asked of many men Hmm

I do think she is being unfair but I am not surprised if she has left this thread tbh.

DuckAndPancakes · 02/04/2018 20:56

I don’t think anybody is of the belief that a mother who doesn’t see her children at weekends is a bad Mum.

I think the fact she doesn’t have her children ANY weekends AND wants them off to their dad for all of the school holidays as well makes her look shitty tbh. She’s only spending term time with them... when they’re at school/after school clubs and then just a few hours in the evening.

DuckAndPancakes · 02/04/2018 20:57

To be fair I wouldn’t be upset by being asked if I liked my children. I don’t sometimes. I love them dearly though.

I’d absolutely hate to be away from them every weekend and all of the holidays and only have those few stressful after school hours with them.

Mintychoc1 · 02/04/2018 20:58

OP if your ex has the kids in all the holidays, when do you take your annual leave, and what do you do with it? Because evidently you don't see your kids. Bizarre. This must be a reverse.

Greggers2017 · 02/04/2018 20:59

Maybe I am being a bit touchy. We do have dogs though so we walk them mornings and evenings and do a lot in the evenings after work and school. When I have them half the school holidays I always use my annual leave for those days too.

cantkeepawayforever · 02/04/2018 21:00

Not having children at weekends doesn't make someone a bad mum. However, someone who actively seeks not to have their children at weekends and never to have them for long during school holidays seems to be actively seeking not to spend time with them - and that seems, at best, a shame.

Combined with her comment about 'doing everything' being very much focused on 'the practical' - cooking, cleaning, washing, transporting - implies that she doesn't value or focus on 'fun' relaxing time with her children, and (if such time is available, which it may not be e.g. if she works long shifts all weekend to keep a roof over her head) that is unusual in a parent who enjoys their children.

Nicknacky · 02/04/2018 21:02

cant I agree with you, and the op has said she doesn’t work the weekends. I could understand her position if she worked all weekend, but I don’t.