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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

362 replies

Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 18:55

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 02/04/2018 18:58

You can't make someone have their kids more. My ex doesn't see our kids at all. Would love to know how I could force him to have them but unfortunately you can't.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 19:00

That’s true I suppose. It just annoys me that he has a choice and I’m expected to just crack on and do it with his sporadic input or not!

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 02/04/2018 19:01

You are being unreasonable to assume he will have them.
Be a grown up, have a conversation and come to a compromise.
Hire childcare. You are spectaularly unreasonable to think his partner should be your unpaid childminder.

Dermymc · 02/04/2018 19:01

When do you get time with your kids if he has them every weekend?

Tbh it sounds fair. He has one week, you have the other.

If you were a couple you'd have to arrange childcare too.

MorningsEleven · 02/04/2018 19:02

You knew the holidays were coming, why didn't you sort out childcare then? It sounds like you're both using those kids as a weapon.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 19:03

I have time with them before and after school and then a couple of days during the holidays.
I’m probably overreacting. I just thought he’d want to see them more and he got my back up when he mentioned his girlfriend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 19:05

morningseleven because as I mentioned further up we have an unwritten rule that he has them the majority of the time whilst I get a weekend and a couple of days in between.

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 02/04/2018 19:05

To be honest, I'd have thought a 50/50 split in the hols was preferable? If he normally has them every weekend then doing half each of gold would give you some time with them as well when you don't have to do school etc?

I think in future you need to discuss in advance who is doing what and both plan around that.

Cynara · 02/04/2018 19:06

I think the problem here is not having a plan in advance. YABVU to expect his partner to look after your children. She has one child, and is responsible for that child's care. It is your ex who should get sharing childcare responsibility with you, not her.

PrettyLittIeThing · 02/04/2018 19:06

You would think people would want to see their kids more wouldn't you, but no, some people don't.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2018 19:07

Why on Earth is it his partners job to look after your kids because you couldn’t be bothered to discuss arrangements with your ex until today, or arrange suitable childcare?

You’re being absolutely ridiculous.

He has them every weekend, you might be doing the school run but you’re not actually “doing everything” when he has them 2 nights a week and a lot of holidays in the last, are you.

They’re your kids. They’re your problem. Make plans in a timely fashion so your poor DC know what’s happening and aren’t being pushed from pillar to post.

QueenB14 · 02/04/2018 19:07

I see your point but I'm having the opposite battle with ex. I want some holiday time too. I know I have dd through the week but that's the hard slog of things imo. I want some of the days out, chilled mornings and allowing her to stay up a bit later rather than fighting at bedtimes. This is what ex has every time he sees her. I want some holiday time too

Pengggwn · 02/04/2018 19:07

Your ex's partner absolutely did NOT need to accept responsibility for caring for your children before deciding to have her own child. You and your ex need to get your shit together.

SilverySurfer · 02/04/2018 19:08

I don't understand how you can think it's reasonable for his new partner to look after your children because you have work commitments. Why the hell should she?

QueenB14 · 02/04/2018 19:08

Sorry just realised I said the same thing twice! I really do though Grin

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2018 19:09

Having an unwritten rule that opts you out of parenting for the many weeks of school holidays a year sounds lovely but it’s obviously not working for anyone other than you.

Maybe write something down next time.

MyDcAreMarvel · 02/04/2018 19:09

You don’t sound like you want to have your kids.

catkind · 02/04/2018 19:11

You need to make agreements in advance. Neither of you can be expected to whistle up childcare at a day's notice, that's daft.
It would be common I think to share holiday time 50/50 so that both parents have the benefit of time to enjoy with their children that isn't confined by school runs and activities.
If he doesn't have them 50% of the time over the year you should be claiming child support from him too, have you got that set up? Should help cover costs of holiday clubs when you need to work and don't have other family cover.
Come on, for the kids' same, I think you need to get things more organised here. Casual may work when you're still a family, sounds like a minefield with an ex.

QueenB14 · 02/04/2018 19:11

I also think its nice for dd to see me actually enjoying her rather than rushing to get her fed, dressed and to nursery and then home, fed, bathed, bed. I just seem to spend term time rushing about getting her from A to B when her dad is the fun parent who has the luxury of being on his own schedule when he's with her

Kaykay06 · 02/04/2018 19:12

He takes them every weekend? That’s not bad. Surely sharing the holidays is most fair, that’s what I do, or if my ex hasn’t got annual leave like during these holidays I’ll hage them the full 2 weeks although he will still take them on his days off, but it’s all worked out in advance otherwise it wouldn’t work.
Not sure how not taking them in the hols isn’t seeing them?..he has them every weekend which I imagine he does everything for them then...I wouldn’t be happy with mine being away every weekend as I actually like to do stuff with them but each to their own, families work differently, and what works for me clearly won’t work elsewhere. Just half it, fair then and no one can complain

catkind · 02/04/2018 19:12

sake, sorry.

MrsMaxwell · 02/04/2018 19:12

Think it’s just one of the ballaches of being the residant parent unfortunately Sad

DNAwrangler · 02/04/2018 19:14

Actually I think YABU. both with the amount of time you expect ex to have DC during holidays, and with your expectations if his partner. No, she shouldn't have thought about it before. YOU should have thought about it before having your kids.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 19:14

I love my kids but I need to wor to keep a riff over our heads, food in our bellies and clothes on our backs. I struggle as it is, have to pay a mortgage and all bills etc single handedly.
Ex only pays £80 per week for them both. I never get help with shoes, uniforms, after school clubs etc. It’s all on me. I can’t afford childcare but I can’t afford not to go to work but either way I’m now going to be worse off whatever the outcome.
I accept that I’m being unfair with regards to his partner but I felt like she had kicked off and that’s why he was reluctant to have them any longer.

As Queen says above, I do all of the slog through the week, fighting to get them to bed on time and having the be the evil bastard that wakes them up in the morning when all they want to do is sleep etc.

OP posts:
Pleasebeafleabite · 02/04/2018 19:14

Sorry OP but the holiday arrangements seem very late in the day. I have to arrange mine several weeks in advance to get the days I want as exh has his own plans