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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

362 replies

Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 18:55

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

OP posts:
Sleeplikeasloth · 04/04/2018 14:02

I was working one one week for her for Christmas (I'm assuming they alternate but both share some of the Christmas holidays...), and one week at the beginning and another at the end of the summer.

It's not very much in any event. I can't imagine never going for a day trip, or to the park, or for a picnic, save for a brief spell in summer.

BitchQueen90 · 04/04/2018 14:36

OP I disagree with the people who are saying you're "lucky" because I hate that term when it comes to NRP and contact. But to say you are getting the "least" of what you could be getting simply is not true. The least would be him paying the bare minimum set by CMS and doing EOW or something. You are not getting the least and you are not hard done by at all.

achangeisasgoodasabreakdown · 04/04/2018 14:45

I get that financial stability is important. And that you want to set an example for your kids.

But. You posted fully expecting everyone to take your side and say that his DP should be providing your childcare. Not only providing your childcare but should be grateful for doing it. When nobody agreed with you, you said that she was the ow, as though that should make a difference. You said that she should have known what she was getting into, she what? Should have known that she'd be your unpaid child care? Why should she have known that?

Your ex and his DP have been exceptionally supportive of you, your work, and your financial priorities. You need to step up and do the same.

GrooovyLass · 04/04/2018 15:16

Goodness, op comes across as even worse with each update!

Moved miles and miles away but ex has to pick up and drop off, with op occasionally consenting to meet halfway; ex has care of the children equally if not more than op and yet he has to pay maintenance; ex's DP shouldn't get a job because it interferes with op's childcare.

OP can you really not understand how awful you sound? I'm sure you love your children but I'm even more sure that they'd prefer to have more time with you now, when it's important, than you working constantly to pay off your mortgage.

LunchBoxPolice · 04/04/2018 15:56

You are demented!

ferrier · 04/04/2018 16:52

I'm guessing that the only reason your ex doesn't take you to court to get child maintenance from you and the child benefit paid to him is because he is protecting the dc. He seems prepared to take just about everything you throw at him in order to preserve an amicable relationship.
And yes, the 'ow' is a saint.

Spottytop1 · 04/04/2018 17:07

Lots of us work OP but we actually ensure we spend quality time with our kids at weekends and holidays when they aren't with their other parent.

Eating dinner together each night is not comparable to full day quality time.

Spottytop1 · 04/04/2018 17:08

Out of interest how many days/weeks did you spend with your children last summer holiday?
Over Christmas?

Greggers2017 · 04/04/2018 17:40

OP don't you do anything other than eat dinner with them? We go for a walk most evenings with our dogs, we go out for meals, we go bowling or to the cinema sometimes, do arts and crafts, play games, go soft play. I only have mine during the week and work full time and manage to do things with them.
We had a week abroad at half term and last week spent a week at haven. I love making memories with my kids and am sad that I don't see them as much as I'd like. Me and their dad are very amicable and work together. We also share the pick ups and drops offs. For the sake of your children stop taking the piss out of their father.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 04/04/2018 19:53

We are able to do more together on lighter nights. I’ll often take them to the local tennis courts and we’ll place tennis and go for an ice cream.
We go to the cinema together during the holidays - usually the last weekend as that is when I tend to always have them.

I guess in the earliest months and years of the split I made a bit of example of him and made sure that if he really wanted to see our kids then he could damn well make the effort to drive over and collect them. More often than not I will drive part of the way nowadays. I guess I have to remember that he fell out of love with me, not them.

Yes we should’ve been more organised but every holiday has been the same, I didn’t see why this would be any different. I don’t expect OW to halt her return to work to look after my DC but there have been plenty of times in the past where she has made it known that they are an inconvenience to her. Sitting in the car rolling her eyes with a face like a slapped arse. Cryptic Facebook status’ etc. I can kind of understand where she’s coming from but she knows the score, she has to look after them whilst their dad is at work.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 04/04/2018 19:55

You did expect her to halt her return to work though......

And that’s great you do things with your kids after school. For 6 months of the year...........

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 04/04/2018 19:56

I guess in the earliest months and years of the split I made a bit of example of him and made sure that if he really wanted to see our kids then he could damn well make the effort to drive over and collect them. More often than not I will drive part of the way nowadays. I guess I have to remember that he fell out of love with me, not them

Ouch OP, you really don't sound OK. Why wouldn't he make the effort? They are his kids, he loves them.

As for the OW- why are you friends on Facebook? Not a chance in hell my DSC's mum would be on mine- or do you go snooping?

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 04/04/2018 19:57

I meant SMum sorry, not OW.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 04/04/2018 19:58

The sarcasm on this thread is unbelievable! Just because it’s not the ‘norm’ or the way everyone else does things doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 04/04/2018 19:59

I’m not friends with !!OW!! on FB. We have mutual friends who screenshot the shit she puts on there.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/04/2018 20:00

I think you need to put your feelings against her aside and try and come up with a fairer arrangement - if it were not for the distance I would say a proper 50/50 split,

But I think it is fairer on everyone for them to have 3 out of 4 weekends and a 50/50 holiday split because other woman or not it isnt her responsibility

BEcause if they live that far away how on earth do they see their friends in the holidays/weekends/parties

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 04/04/2018 20:00

What nice friends 😂

Bluelady · 04/04/2018 20:06

It's unbelievable that, after 300+ people telling you how unreasonable you are and what a goid plated deal you have from your ex, you still refuse to accept you're anything but a saint, OP. You've definitely got your ex under your thumb, I'm not surprised his partner looks at you with a face like a slapped arse. She must really love him to put up with you.

Oldbutstillgotit · 04/04/2018 20:12

OP - your last update . Why does she HAVE to look after DC if their Dad is working ??

LaurieMarlow · 04/04/2018 20:15

there have been plenty of times in the past where she has made it known that they are an inconvenience to her.

Well they're clearly an inconvenience to you too, going by your general attitude on this thread. Difference is that you are their mother, she isn't. Poor kids.

but she knows the score, she has to look after them whilst their dad is at work.

No she doesn't. She has no obligation at all. It is up to you and their father to organise their care. She isn't your unpaid babysitter and I'm not sure why that's so hard for you to understand.

I still can't get my head around a real person having this attitude. It baffles me.

orangesmartieseggs · 04/04/2018 20:16

You and your friends need to grow the fuck up.

Fijisky · 04/04/2018 20:33

You and your friends are fucked up. What a bunch of twats!

And no, she does not have to look after your dc while ur ex is at work at all.

It’s actually really weird that you want your kids raised by the ow, maybe there start calling her mum and your be happier.

lookingforaline18 · 04/04/2018 20:44

She doesn't have to look after them when they are with their dad. There are other childcare options out there should they wish to use them. So no, she doesn't have to at all.
Also, I hope she does go back to work because its quite clear in your posts you don't want her to because it won't suit you.

Fijisky · 04/04/2018 20:59

It’s now very clear, you are a very bitter ex, the type that doesn’t move on for years! So you thought you would try and break his new women and your ex up by literally forcing him to have the kids all the time! Hoping the new gf would get bored and bugger off, but your plan hasn’t worked. She’s still around and now had a kid by him and it’s really fucking you off that he’s now sticking up for his gf and saying no to the kids.
Classic bitter twisted ex.

peacheachpearplum · 04/04/2018 21:21

Sleeplikeasloth, impressive maths there. You've worked that out well.