To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

[Lactofreechummy]

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

peacheachpearplum

That was in relation to the OP and her ex sitting down together and agreeing arrangements for the school holidays.

Maybe there is some leeway and the OP can drop to EOW in order for her ex (not his GF!) to do this.

It sounds like this informal contact arrangement is not working for anyone. You need to review this with Ex and draw up a formal agreement.

Saying that, if you're the resident parent, receiving maintenance and CB on this basis, that means you are the resident parent ALL year, not just term time. I think it is unreasonable to expect Ex to do the majority of holiday childcare.

I appreciate it must be hard working full time as a single parent (I was the daughter of one myself), but you need to accept that you are equally responsible for holiday childcare.

Are you really happy to spend just a clutch of days off with your DC each year?

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

No chance, the holidays are a special time - I wouldn't want my DCs off for most of it.

YABVU to think his girlfriend should just pick up the slack and look after your kids. Not her problem that you have work commitments is it and nor should it ever be. She should not have thought about your work commitments when she got with a man with children.

Have they just spent a week at their dad's?

Fucking hell! Yes I have every (well, most) weekends child free. A lot of very bitter women here projecting. He does the bare minimum and gets praised like he’s a saint.

No, he doesn’t get weekends free but he wouldn’t anyway owing to the fact that he has another child who lives with them full time.

OP I can understand if things have always worked out before with you winging it that you're feeling stressed now it's fallen apart but really it sounds like it's only worked in the past due to luck not good judgement. I hope you manage to get something sorted out for next week and in future the best thing really is to plan in advance.

Yes they’ve just spent a week at their dads.

So you get EVERY weekend child free?! And you’re complaining about not having more childfree time in the holidays?... Do you even like your dc?

I am the RP and I also have a step son.
SS's Mum asks us each year to outline holidays so she can make provisions during the other weeks for childcare as she works FT. I would quite gladly have him all of the holidays but she will not allow it.
My sons dad is hit and miss if he even remembers what day of the week it is.
Point being, nothing is convention with blended families, but you can control your childcare issues if you take responsibility for them. They live with you, it's up to you to do it.

You need to arrange the contact schedule a year in advance, its unreasonable to just ask his gf to do any childcare. You chose to make babies with him and you are the resident carer, so that's the choices you have made.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.
Assuming is not good enough. Hoping it'll sort itself out is not good enough. Not having definite plans made well in advance is irresponsible.
Like many said upthread Easter holidays weren't sprung onto you with an hour's notice.

My H's ex was a lot like this. She'd just bring their son a night before school holidays start with a packed bag and exit with 'See you in a week'. She also assumed a lot. Never has anything been agreed in advance and it was always me or grandma who ended up looking after the kid. Usually with a day's notice at most. I always thought she's one irresponsible pathetic individual.

And, fwiw, being a step mum and a RP I think you're incredibly fortunate to get every single weekend to yourself, and they go to school Monday-Friday. Just saying 🤷🏼‍♀️

So why should they spend another week there and his girlfriend look after them? Hasn't she just done that already for a week?

Having them every weekend is not "the bare minimum."

My ex used to have them one week of the holidays per year

I had to work term time only until they were a bit older and could be left to their own devices a bit more in the holidays (and used football clubs etc) and now my youngest is 16 I have gone full time.

If I can help now DH ex in the holidays I will but I would never put myself forward as a regular person to be relied upon as I have my own job and that’s up to her and DH to sort out.

I agree that he's not doing the bare minimum. He has them almost 50% of the time and still pays maintenance. Presumably when he's had them for the bulk of the holidays before, he's paid for childcare then too. He isn't being unreasonable, OP although I get that you're stressed given that you have to work and don't have childcare in place for next week.

£80 a week when he has them at LEAST 2/7 nights AND has another child is quite a lot I think ?

Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

Well maybe you should have thought of all this before you decided to have children? Thats what being s parent is like accept you have to do it through the week and at weekends.
There actually yours, why should exs gf be expected to take them more than you?
You have every weekend child and work free and only see them after school on weekdays. Your Ex works all week and then has the children every weekend.
When you have children you should to be willing to have them 100% of them time your lucky you get every weekend of (or not lucky actually I would be devatsted if I never got to see my children at weekends)

OP when do you actually have quality time with your DC? When do you get to have a lie in and then walk to the park? Do you never take any time off work to spend with them as you don't get to do that at the weekend?

He's just had a week of sorting out childcare, now it's your turn. I say that as someone whose DD has never spent more than around 4 hours alone with her father, by his choice, and never ever at a time that he thought would be helpful to me.

So you have every weekend off and only see the kids during the week when they are at school for most of the day and still want your ex to have them more in the holidays?

Do you like your kids? Surely you want to spend some actual time with them?

Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children??

His partner isn't your unpaid childcare.

TBH YABU, he has them every weekend and you want him to have them the majority of the school holidays, when do you actually spend any real family time with your children? Have a day out? I'm pretty sure there is cooking and cleaning to be done when the children are at his house also.

You need to sort out childcare like most working parents do!

But he is not doing the bare minimum.

There are many women looking after DC almost full-time and with no maintenance.

If you are not happy, get a formal agreement in place. But you do need to organise childcare as a single parent, there is not a way around that.

He doesn't do the bare minimum though does he. He has nearly the same number of waking hours each week as you (without any of the free weekends you do) and the majority of the holidays.

It sounds to me like you do a lot of the grunt work which is imbalanced, but in terms of time with them you are equal. Potentially with him having them more normally.