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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

362 replies

Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 18:55

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 03/04/2018 16:18

Funny that because I’m sure if she started a thread on here complaining about having to look after her DP’s DC after being the woman who split the family up in the first place she’d be getting well and truly flamed!

No she wouldn't. Hmm.

It is not her responsibility to provide childcare for your and your ex's children, regardless of her behaviour in any other aspect of her life.

I'm not sure why that's so hard for you to understand.

Choklitdoknut · 03/04/2018 16:24

My god. I work 13 hour shifts and every day off is spent enjoying my precious time aith my with children. You dont get "me time" as often as you do as a mum in the real world.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 03/04/2018 16:25

It sounds very much like you’re using every single penny to pay down your mortgage so as to be mortgage free by next year, you can’t be that old.

If you’re prioritising that over a holiday here and there, childcare, spending actual time with your kids then I feel a bit sorry for you. I get wanting to pay off the mortgage, but your children are only young once and you don’t seem to spend any down time with them at all.

Anyway not really relevant I guess just my two cents.

Sleeplikeasloth · 03/04/2018 16:28

If this thread hasn't helped you re-evaluate your attitude towards your ex and his partner, then I hope at least its made you re-evaluate your attitude towards your children.

They deserve your time, love and attention, and if that means not being mortgage free in your thirties, that's a tiny price to pay.

You may as well put them in boarding school for all you see them. It's really quite sad for them.

Spottytop1 · 03/04/2018 16:31

Him cheating on you is neither here nor there. This is about being a parent.

You hardly see your children at all- there is no quality time in the school week, especially when your children go to after school club.

I can't believe you don't have them any weekend and you don't want them in the holidays and you are complaining that he doesn't do enough!

Do you pay him maintenance when he has them in the holidays? Or does he just not pay you?

Leaspr · 03/04/2018 16:33

So he works M-F? Then has them all weekend and you want him to have them the bulk of the holidays too? Is he ever entitled to a day for himself to do what he wants? Hmm

Fijisky · 03/04/2018 16:42

Can I just add that he did cheat on me with her

And... what the hell has that got to do with the current discussion.

After 9 pages of people telling you that you barely see your kids, your a CF etc your still trying to defend yourself. Maybe try actually caring for your own kids instead of dumping them off for all the holidays instead.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 03/04/2018 16:42

The thing is if OP has her children at weekends to have quality time then their father gets less.As for having quality of life sorted out,I would love that,and to be paying the mortgage off.
I would also love my exH to spend any time with our daughter, not so that I have time to myself(doing housework etc) but so that her relationship with him is better.
Anyway it sounds as if OH will be in a better place next year and soon her children will want to do other things on some weekends too.

BitchQueen90 · 03/04/2018 16:42

OP, she did not split your family up. Your ex did that when he cheated. If she wants to be involved with a man who has children of course she has to accept them as part of her life, but it doesn't mean she has to be at your every beck and call for childcare.

When it comes to co parenting, you have to put aside any ill feelings you have for the sake of your children and it sounds like you are struggling to do that. You have every right to dislike him and her for what they did but you can't make out that he does nothing for the DC because from what you have said it sounds like he does plenty.

Takeaweeseat · 03/04/2018 16:51

Can I just add that he did cheat on me with her

Been there, had it done to me OP, it's fucking horrendous. I can understand now why you hate her but I still doesn't make her wrong in this thread.

I was 'lucky' I suppose that the OW didn't last long with my ex so I didn't have to deal with her.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 03/04/2018 17:02

I had pretty much guessed this morning that your feelings and attitude towards your ex were likely to do with how your relationship ended. I can understand that must have been so difficult for you, especially given how young your dc were.

While you'd have to be a saint not to harbour some bitterness in the circumstances, your dealings with him seem designed to be almost punitive. It comes out in all your posts, an attitude of well you should have thought of that and you caused this so you pick up the pieces. You're actually punishing yourself too though. And your children!

Those dc are part of two families/households now. You and their father don't live together so no, there's never really going to be a clear 50/50 on the day to day stuff. That's how it is when parents split up unless you're pretty much 5 minutes walk from each others home. You're so determined to make him do what you see as his share that you've allowed a situation to develop where you have zero quality time with your DC. That will have effected their relationship with their mum and I'm sorry but you can't rectify that down the line. If anything it will be harder to have the time with them as they get older and want to be with their friends, at their clubs etc.

Whatever he did in the past he clearly does want a relationship with his dc, he does spend time with them and he contributes financially, seemingly more than he'd have to "officially". You see yourself as hard done by and him as a lazy dad who does the bare minimum but it's not the case and you really need to change the narrative imo. You realise that if you were still together that still wouldn't automatically mean everything dc/home related would be 50/50? It's often not whether because one works longer hours or shifts or there's a SAHM and a WOHP who has to travel etc etc. That's the case for many people and they don't get weekends and school holidays child free.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/04/2018 17:05

If you need more money, why don't you work weekends?

Ditzyitzy · 03/04/2018 17:07

I have a nearly identical arrangement with my ex except he usually has ds for a few hours on a weekday and I have him in the holidays. I work weekends so it isn’t free time but I still acknowledge that my ex is doing his fair share. You’re a massive CF OP.

Fuller2018 · 03/04/2018 17:07

It sounds very much like you’re using every single penny to pay down your mortgage so as to be mortgage free by next year, you can’t be that old.
*
If you’re prioritising that over a holiday here and there, childcare, spending actual time with your kids then I feel a bit sorry for you. I get wanting to pay off the mortgage, but your children are only young once and you don’t seem to spend any down time with them at all. *

This!!

If you are choosing to overpay on your mortgage then I have little sympathy with the complaints of how much everything else costs. You can still have a secure future without putting every penny towards the mortgage.

I feel sorry for the children who are having no holidays or time with Mum just so you can be mortgage free. That means nothing to a child and they won't be grateful for it in the future.

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/04/2018 17:13

This is crazy.

He pays more than CMS amount because he didn’t think it was enough.

As someone has already calculated he spends more hours actively with them than you do already.

His ex looked after them all last week because he has to work just like you have to work.

You’re being totally unreasonable.. why come on here and ask if you’re not prepared to listen.

Pengggwn · 03/04/2018 17:30

The fact that she started a relationship with a married man means she has poor morals. It doesn't obligate her to provide childcare for your children.

Bluelady · 03/04/2018 17:39

This is nothing to do with her morals. It's everything to do with OP being fixated on paying off her mortgage at the expense of spending time with her children, taking them on holiday and expecting her ex's partner to provide free childcare throughout school holidays. Money isn't everything, OP, but you clearly seem to think it is. Poor kids.

ButtMuncher · 03/04/2018 17:41

Just to add - you said it wasn't every weekend recently as your exes car packed up.

Are you seriously telling me he has to travel every time too? So you don't drop or collect them either? So he pays loads, has them as much as he can (or seems that way) AND does all the drop offs/pick ups?

Jesus Christ. Cheating is shit, but you are one massive cheeky fucker. Sounds as if you want to punish them. As for paying your mortgage off - fucking hell - you must be so skint Hmm Can't afford a holiday? Pull the other one. I almost want to give you a Biscuit

I'm a step mum. We have my DSS most weekends. I work full time, and have a DS 18 month old. No holidays, no down time, no lie ins, no weekends 'off'. I picked this. So did your exes GF.

KriticalSoul · 03/04/2018 17:53

When your kids are older, all they'll remember is that your job and your social life were more important than them.

You spend what, 2 hrs a day in their company?

Its not enough.

Dermymc · 03/04/2018 18:26

Cheating is irrelevant now.

I'm still Shock that you spend £150 on swimming lessons, plus you're prioritising your mortgage (early) over actual time with your children.

The person taking the piss with warped priorities is you not him.

Tirednanny · 03/04/2018 18:29

They’re only little for so long you’ll regret not seeing them when they’re older and it will come a lot quicker than you imagine. I’d really use this disagreement as a time to reassess your life with your children and get some more quality time with them

Matilda2013 · 03/04/2018 18:49

So she’s the other woman and you still want her to look after your children all the time? Grin

This does remind me of when my partners ex expected us to take dsd on holiday for two weeks (over £2000 at least) and still pay two weeks childcare to split the rest of the summer holidays Hmm didn’t happen as it’s three weeks each out of six!

Pleasebeafleabite · 03/04/2018 18:55

I’d step back if I were you OP

Guilty of the heinous MN crime of ..... working to pay your mortgage off! Which means obviously that your children will suffer from neglect at the hands of.... after school club (gasp) like thousands of children the world over

Maybe OP is quite happy with the amount of time she has her children and just needs to put in place more robust arrangements with the ex as past experience is not a guide to future performance

peacheachpearplum · 03/04/2018 19:03

Maybe OP is quite happy with the amount of time she has her children I think that is what shocks people. Most of those thousands of children who go to after school clubs spend at least some of the weekends and holidays with their mother. The OP doesn't seem to want them except for an hour morning and evening 5 days a week in term time.

notapizzaeater · 03/04/2018 19:18

So dad doesn't actually have the kids all of the holidays if you go away, so he does have them less. Even so it's up to you to sort out the holidays.

Her position in this is irrelevant- they are your children.

I'd extend /reduce your mortgage and make some memories.