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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

362 replies

Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 18:55

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 04/04/2018 08:41

Don't forgot @InspMorse - op also needs to pay her ex maintenance if they swap....and possibly, when she has her dc at the weekend, she might as well have their child too.

BlondeB83 · 04/04/2018 08:46

You sound really lucky OP! Your Ex has them every weekend while you don’t work and most of the holidays? When do you get full days with your children?

Sleeplikeasloth · 04/04/2018 08:49

I don't think he ex should pay maintenance now tbh. They have a virtually equal number of nights, so things like household bills will be equal. But keeping children during the weekends/school holidays will be more expensive, as doing stuff inevitability costs money sometimes. They may not be wearing any clothes in the week other than school uniform and pj's, whereas at weekends and holidays, they'll need normal daytime clothes. I bet he spends far more on the children because he us spending time with them, than the Op does.

Greggers2017 · 04/04/2018 10:43

My ex doesn't pay me maintenance, he has them weekends and 50% of the school holidays. I would rather he spent the money on activities with the children. He will however help me out with buying things they need etc.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 04/04/2018 11:51

I’m not lucky! I’m just getting the very least of what I would be getting! Just because other people have uselsss exes who are just as useless as parents doesn’t mean I’m ‘lucky.’

I rely on the wrap around care, just because I don’t conform to everybody else’s ideals. They are happy, well adjusted kids and both myself and their father are setting a decent example by going out to work. The pressure will be off next year and in my head this next year of slog will be worth it for that. Yes I’ll admit that I don’t see them quite as much as I’d like to but we do get the odd weekend together and we eat dinner together every week night after school/clubs. I help them do their home work, wash, book and then bed time. They know they’re loved but they also understand that I have to work hard so that they can have what I never did.

Yes, I do make my ex come at least half way to collect our DC’s. I drive them around all week. I explained this to him when I first moved and he eventually agreed that it was fair. If he is ever in a rush or is pushed for time I will agree to meet him either half way or something like. He pays me maintenance through all of the holidays, it’s never occurred to me that he wouldn’t and in his own words ‘I wouldn’t pay any maintenance you didn’t let me see my kids.’

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 04/04/2018 12:03

I’m just getting the very least of what I would be getting!

What? How you're still coming out with this rubbish after 13 pages I don't know, but let's recap.

Practically shared care, still getting decent maintenance.
All your weekends free
Expectation that you'll get vast majority of the children's holidays free, which is not being met but your ex is happily doing a 50/50 split.

Your Ex is more than doing his share and you know it. However, I kind of agree with you that you're not 'lucky' because I would hate to spend so little of my free time with my DC.

Yes I’ll admit that I don’t see them quite as much as I’d like to

This doesn't stack up with everything else you said on this thread. You want your weekends free so you can get on with work in peace when you occasionally have to do some (what else do you do with your weekends btw?) and you want your ex's partner to provide free child care in the holidays so you can save your precious money to pay down your mortgage super early.

You seem to see childcare as a chore that you want to do as little as possible of and that your ex's partner should have to take on as a punishment for being the other woman.

I'm afraid I don't get it at all.

peacheachpearplum · 04/04/2018 12:06

So you expect him to have them the bulk of holidays and still give you £80 per week and still get child benefit?

You don't see them QUITE as much as you'd like. I don't know whether to laugh or cry and can't decide if your ex is a saint or a mug.

Sleeplikeasloth · 04/04/2018 12:29

AND you moved away, and expect him to do most of the drop offs and pick ups - it sounds like he does all of it most of the time, as you say that you'd agree to meet him half way if he was in a rush.

I can't get my head around you never wanting to spend a whole day with them, or even a half day.

Urgh, it's all about the money it seems. You say you want to give them what you didn't have, clearly that isn't time or attention.

Fijisky · 04/04/2018 12:32

Op you talk so much shit it’s unreal, you slag of your ex but you need to take a look at yourself.

Your seriously that deluded, you hardly see your kids but the fact is your fine with that because you don’t give a shit, aslong as there dads GF has them for you your happy. Don’t know why you bothered to have kids tbh as you don’t spend any time with them. Wow wee you have diner with them a few nights a week and put them to bed, you will never be winning any mum of the year awards, that will go to your ex.

OohMavis · 04/04/2018 12:37

This is a reverse and I collect my £10.

Sleeplikeasloth · 04/04/2018 12:39

Presuming 1hr before and after school (because of the clubs), and op having children for 1 week at Christmas and 2 for the summer holidays (with neither party using childcare for weekends or holidays), the actual contact time split is 28% if time with mum and 72% with dad.

orangesmartieseggs · 04/04/2018 12:42

Yes I’ll admit that I don’t see them quite as much as I’d like to

And that's your own choice! Bloody hell, your poor kids. You have all your weekends and most of the school holidays child-free BY CHOICE. Your priority is your job and your mortgage, not seeing your kids. Before you know it, they'll be all grown up and you'll never be able to get this time back.

Your loss. You'll regret your choices, though.

LaurieMarlow · 04/04/2018 12:47

This is a reverse and I collect my £10.

I was beginning to wonder if we're just being trolled.

LiteraryDevil · 04/04/2018 12:53

Trolling? Maybe but some situations are actually that ridiculous. I was accused of being a troll (different name) but the situation was completely real. It was a reverse though and as a newish member didn't know what that actually meant and ended up banned for a while. No one could believe the situation as was so far fetched yet completely true. This OP is having a laugh though with her attitude. Jesus wept.

BangingOn · 04/04/2018 12:58

I think it’s a reverse, the language around him doing most of the driving and expecting his girlfriend to do the childcare really sound as if they are written by someone very frustrated by the behaviour of their partner’s ex.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 04/04/2018 13:11

Oh yeah, sure. Now it’s a reverse. Hmm FFS.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/04/2018 13:34

Given the amount of time your ex has his children, i expect he would have been more than happy to have had them some week nights and eow plus 50/50 holidays. You made that impossible by choosing to move so far away and no expect him to have them every weekend and all the holidays. Sounds to me like you are bitter because (possibly) your ex had free time to cheat whilst you were doing childcare, so know you are making sure you get free time and your ex doesn't.

EenaMinaMoe · 04/04/2018 13:40

I have to say, I think the SM sounds like a bit of a saint, OW or not! I'm sure it isn't normal to marry a man and promptly become primary carer for his kids most of the time, let alone be told off for wanting to go back to work.

TempusEejit · 04/04/2018 13:41

I can well believe this isn't a reverse. My DH used to have his DCs Thu-Sun every week plus half of holidays, he obviously had to get a big enough property to house his DCs comfortably. Paid maintenance without fail and also went halves on uniform, trips etc as well as all his own expenses kitting out his house so the DC didn't have to lug stuff between homes e.g. clothes, TVs, games consoles, bikes etc. She also kept all the benefits/tax credits.

Ex told the kids (and they believed her) that all DH did was provide them with a few meals each week!

SilverySurfer · 04/04/2018 13:43

I sometimes work from home at weekends and find it much easier to do if I agent got the DC’s constantly fighting in the background.

How very fortunate your DC are with their DF every weekend and not disturbing you since you wouldn't be spending time with them anyway.

So your DC spend less hours with you over five days than they do with your Ex over 2 days. Surely he should be RP and you should pay him maintenance?

peacheachpearplum · 04/04/2018 13:43

op having children for 1 week at Christmas and 2 for the summer holidays (with neither party using childcare for weekends or holidays), the actual contact time split is 28% if time with mum and 72% with dad. Take out time they are at school and time they are asleep and see how it works out, he has far more time with them as does his partner.

peacheachpearplum · 04/04/2018 13:45

I have to say, I think the SM sounds like a bit of a saint, OW or not! I'm sure it isn't normal to marry a man and promptly become primary carer for his kids most of the time, let alone be told off for wanting to go back to work. In this case I think she probably rescued him so yes more of a saint than a sinner.

peacheachpearplum · 04/04/2018 13:48

Sleeplikeasloth, sorry I misread your post I thought you were saying dad only had the 28% of the time. I just read it again and you obviously did allow for the school time.

Sleeplikeasloth · 04/04/2018 13:49

peacheachpearplum, yeah I have. I was working on 1hr after and before school because of clubs, save for Sunday evening when mum has them for 3 hours. Weekends and school holidays are calculated on the basis of 12 hours awake (so Sundays, 9/3 hour split)

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/04/2018 13:54

@Sleeplikeasloth op they do alternate Christmas though so a bit more to add on to Dad and a little less for Mum