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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

362 replies

Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 18:55

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

OP posts:
pinkhorse · 03/04/2018 13:35

He is doing a lot more than the bare minimum and to suggest otherwise is very rude and disrespectful of you.
Your children are going to grow up with no memories of fun weekends with you. Children don't care that the mortgage is paid off early etc, they want fun and memories with their parents and they aren't going to get that from you.

Quartz2208 · 03/04/2018 13:36

But in doing so you are making too many sacrifices

Adding even 5 years to your mortgage could enable you to ease up. How many 30/40 something’s are mortgage free. They aren’t. The sacrifices you are making means you are missing out on making memories now

LaurieMarlow · 03/04/2018 13:45

For the last time of course I like my kids. I love them dearly.

In the nicest possible way, that's not coming across on this thread. You don't seem to want to spend any of your free time with them and all you've talked about on here is the chore of having them around.

Morningdash · 03/04/2018 13:59

Ok - take your ex and his DP out of the equation.

I love my son dearly, I have always worked, since he was 9 months old. I always wanted to set a great example to him that if you work you are rewarded. I wanted to be able to provide for him and not have to scrimp and save and give him the best of everything because I saw my parents struggle. If I am completely honest think it was easier for me to be at work because he had professional looking after him or could probably do a better job than me anyway.

He is now 19 and living in Uni, not a day goes by when I wish I had spent more time with him when he was little. We are close in a lot of ways but the sleepless nights I have now are over how he has grown and he is independent in a lot of ways because I always encouraged this. Now I wish I had had a day of with him snuggled on the sofa. That I had taken more time for him. I read something not that long ago that said something about from the minute you have your children you are preparing for them to grow and leave, that they are not your forever and that really struck a cord with me.

I am financially secure, my son is reasonably well adjusted and independent and I am incredibly proud of him. When I chat to him about how I wish I had been their more for him, he is always "mom,your always here when I need you" so I do know he is fine with it BUT its me that's not and they are years I will never get back.

LeighaJ · 03/04/2018 14:00

I don't understand how you think it would be okay to dump your kids on your exes girlfriend for another week just because she knew he had kids before they got together? Really?

She's not your child minder slave just because you couldn't bother to sort out details of who will have the kids and when firmly with your ex beforehand.

She may have "kicked off" because she didn't think it was fair on the kids spending another week not really seeing their Dad anyway or have plans or a life of her own that needed tending to or she may not have said anything and he's just using her as a scapegoat.

Greggers2017 · 03/04/2018 14:16

Sometimes it's the only time a dad can see his children on a weekend. My kids spends every weekend with their dad. He works away Sunday to Friday every week so he cannot have them during the week. He also lives in another town. Yes I am sad I don't get weekends with them but if there is something I want to do with them on a weekend then he has no problem with that.
We share school holidays but that's when I have my annual leave and we make up for lost weekends

BitOutOfPractice · 03/04/2018 14:23

Let me get this straight OP

You see your DC from after school on MondayThursday till bedtime. And Sunday evening. And before school.

You don't have them at the weekend

You don't think you should have them in the holidays either?

When do you actually have any quality time with them?

You do sound like a CF, sorry

For intance, will you pay your DH maintenance for the 6 weeks summer holiday?

BitOutOfPractice · 03/04/2018 14:24

and yes, just "assuming" that he'll have them for a week is just asking for trouble. In my experience, holiday cover had to be planned with military precision, months in advance

peacheachpearplum · 03/04/2018 14:27

BitOutofPractice after school they go to a club so she doesn't see them straight from school. Maybe 6 till bedtime? I'm surprised she has enough time with them to know if she would like spending time with them.

Headintheshedagain · 03/04/2018 14:43

From the other side ...

I am the partner of an ex. He has his children every weekend. We get no lie ins, no nights out, no weekends away, no days to ourselves. Every weekend we do activities with the kids - softplay, day trips, meals out. It costs money. His ex gets her time to go away for the weekend, sleep, catch up on housework etc etc. They come to us for a week or two during the holidays. We both work. She doesn't

It is not my responsibility to take care of them. I will do the odd day along with my own children but I'm not childcare

orangesmartieseggs · 03/04/2018 14:48

For the last time of course I like my kids. I love them dearly.

That's not really coming across too well on this thread. You say you don't work weekends but you still don't seem to want your kids around. Now, of course everyone deserves a break occasionally but having every weekend child-free is hardly the norm. Most parents do EOW for precisely that reason - so that each parent gets quality time with the kids that isn't dictated by school/clubs/work.

Don't you think it's a bit sad that the only quality time you get with your kids is a couple of weeks in the summer, and another week or two at Christmas? Even when you're around at weekends, you send them off to their dad's house!

I'll be frank - kids don't care about what sacrifices you're making for the future, because they don't see it that way. They see you sending them to after-school clubs and to their dad's house, they see you having time to yourself but not making time for them. They must have cottoned on to the fact that you don't work weekends - surely they wonder why you never want to take them anywhere or do something fun with them?

I certainly wouldn't want my time with my children to just be about homework, getting them to/from clubs and bath times. You can't get this time back. All these "sacrifices" you're making could destroy your relationship with them. Kids need time with their parents.

counselsadvice · 03/04/2018 14:49

Well OP, when you look back on your DCs childhood and what a chore they were, I hope they don't look back at the same time and resent you and your attitude- poor kids.

ClaryFray · 03/04/2018 14:51

I wouldn't have my DP's children on the say so of his ex. I love the kids but I'm not free childcare. YABU there. If you were still together you'd have to find an arrangement that suited you both as is the same now.

If you don't like it let him be the resident parent.

Takeaweeseat · 03/04/2018 14:59

@Headintheshedagain

Why doesn't your DP tell his ex that you and he want an odd weekend free to do things? If she doesn't work then it's not as if she'd be left having to sort out childcare.

My DP also has kids who come at weekends and some holidays but I absolutely wouldn't do it every weekend, no way.

Headintheshedagain · 03/04/2018 15:14

His ex wouldn't have it. She would more than likely bring them anyway. They are amazing kids but at times it's hard but I can't see it changing, she values her weekends too much

Takeaweeseat · 03/04/2018 15:29

@Headintheshedagain

Shock Oh that makes me so angry, so selfish. Just tell her you/he won't be available on X weekend, have a lie in, don't answer the door. There's no way in hell she'll with-hold access because as you say, she values her weekends too much. One weekend a month for you and DP is extremely reasonable.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 03/04/2018 15:55

Can I just add that he did cheat on me with her

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 03/04/2018 15:58

Can I just add that he did cheat on me with her

In what sense is that relevant to this discussion?

Nicknacky · 03/04/2018 16:00

WHAT WAS THE ARRANGEMENT WHEN THEY WERE PICKED UP/DROPPED OFF?!

Sorry for shouting but I asked twice and you haven’t replied. There must have been something said. And it makes no difference that he cheated, why would it?

feelinggoodinspring · 03/04/2018 16:02

I've been in the position of having to provide childcare for the ex and it's very annoying.
When my dsc was younger I was out of work for a couple of years while my children were little, so for a while it was assumed that I would have dsc most of the school holidays because every other adult in their life was at work.
I thought the arrangement was very sneaky and cheeky because dsc was here every weekday (and went to mums some of those days when she finished work) and at mum's eow because both parents were off work at weekends so I wasn't needed Hmm

Eventually I put my foot down and said I wasn't happy. This of course caused problems but it forced them to come to a fairer arrangement for everyone rather than one that just suited mum. When I had dsc she didn't have to pay for any childcare because I was conveniently available on weekdays to do it instead. I was more than happy to have dsc for half of the holidays to help my oh do his bit, but I thought every weekday was just a piss take and I really was just used as childcare by the ex.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 03/04/2018 16:03

Me too @Headintheshedagain 😒 10 years and counting. Only perk is now they are teens we do get a lay in!

It's all well and good saying 'take them back early' we tried to take them back early one day (agreed) because we were going on holiday and were on our way to the airport she was out and refused to answer her phone, nice woman.

Original poster
Lactofreechummy · 03/04/2018 16:13

Funny that because I’m sure if she started a thread on here complaining about having to look after her DP’s DC after being the woman who split the family up in the first place she’d be getting well and truly flamed!

The arrangement was that I’d be in touch the following weekend to discuss what was happening. I did tell him I was at work this week until Friday lunchtime

OP posts:
orangesmartieseggs · 03/04/2018 16:14

Can I just add that he did cheat on me with her

I'm sorry you were cheated on, but that has fuck all to do with the childcare arrangements in place.

Nicknacky · 03/04/2018 16:16

I think it’s mixed signals then, ex h has obviously assumed you wanted to spend time with them too.

FeckBuggerAndArse · 03/04/2018 16:16

I am honestly laughing at this. He has them every weekend, and you’re assuming he’ll have them all week in the school holidays too?

A 50:50 split is the best you could expect for school holidays, and this should be arranged well in advance so both parents have time to organise annual leave or alternative childcare.

Just for comparison, my ex had our children every other weekend, and I have to remind him when the school holidays are so that he books time off to spend time with them. This is generally one day in holidays like half term that are only a week long, and if I’m lucky a whole week of breaks like Easter which are two weeks long. During the summer he has them for a week, maybe some extra days here and there, and I have to either scrape together days off (from annual leave or time in lieu) or find other people to look after them whilst I’m at work.