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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the NR parent should have the DC’s the lion’s share of the school holidays?

362 replies

Lactofreechummy · 02/04/2018 18:55

Myself and ex have 2 DC’s aged 8&6. I’m the resident parent. I have both DC’s through the week and then he has them every weekend (Friday night through to Sunday night).

I always felt that during the holidays he should have them for the lions share seeing as though he doesn’t get to see them through the week.

Our DC’s broke up a week gone Friday. He picked them up on Friday night and dropped them back yesterday. I asked if he wanted them back this week and I just got a flat ‘no.’

I’ve got work commitments next week and now I’m stuck for childcare. We never have an arrangement prior per se, we work on the idea that he has them the lions share with me having them for the last weekend and maybe a day or two in between. I asked him why he couldn’t have them and he said that he too has work commitments and that because he was at work last week too he had to ask his girlfriend (with whom he has a 2 YO) to look after them most of the time and that it’s not fair to expect her to do it again next week. Well surely she should’ve thought about that before she got with a man who had children?? I do EVERYTHING for them through the week, washing, cooking, cleaning, bathing, dropping them here there and everywhere etc.

OP posts:
Pleasebeafleabite · 03/04/2018 19:18

How do you know it’s an hour?

LaurieMarlow · 03/04/2018 19:18

I think that is what shocks people ...The OP doesn't seem to want them except for an hour morning and evening 5 days a week in term time.

It's a combination of that and the belief that the ex's new partner should provide free childcare when required.

peacheachpearplum · 03/04/2018 19:44

If a 6 year old is in school all day and then after school club it isn't much more unless she has a late bedtime for a 6 year old.

LeighaJ · 03/04/2018 20:04

Typical, when someone doesn't like that 90% of people think they are the unreasonable party, then they start dragging out unrelated things to gain sympathy. Hmm

I don't feel sympathy for the OP though, tbh the first thing I wondered was if her ex ended up turning elsewhere because she spent as much time with him as she does her children. Js...

MoreMoneyMoreProblems · 03/04/2018 20:07

Think everyone is being way too harsh!!

Course he should drop things for their kids. She'd have to cancel plans if he decided he couldn't have their kids.

Why should op have to foot the childcare bill because her ex has to work??

Matilda2013 · 03/04/2018 20:14

MoreMoneyMoreProblems he has already done half the holidays! Half and half is fair which is what everyone is saying.

Bagofworries · 03/04/2018 20:56

OP, Despite your ex having the dc half of the holidays and every weekend, you describe him as not doing very much.

How much would be enough?
I don't see how he could have much more contact. The dc are either in school or in someone else's care most of their weekday waking hours and your ex has them all weekend.
Don't you actually miss them?

Fijisky · 03/04/2018 23:03

Why should op have to foot the childcare bill because her ex has to work?

And why should the op ex foot the bill for childcare when he’s already done half the school holidays?!!

Fijisky · 03/04/2018 23:06

Pleasebeafleabite - well it’s not going to be much more then and hour is it? After school clubs and then home for tea/bath/ bed. Bet the kids really look forward to all that quality time they spend with there mum Hmm

LunchBoxPolice · 03/04/2018 23:29

I can't imagine being happy with seeing so little of my children. My ds goes to his Dad every other weekend, to my parents on every other Saturday. I work every Saturday, so I can work less hours during the week. I get Saturday evening and every other Sunday with him, then I get to pick him up from school every day and spend some time with him instead of rushing him to bed.
But it sounds like you are happy to hardly see your kids for the sake of some extra cash. I doubt your kids will thank you as they grow up.

C0untDucku1a · 03/04/2018 23:40

Yabu.

You should have some weekends with them too. He shouldn't get all the fun time. Can you Discuss every other weekend. And share some week nights instead?

He paid for
The holiday care last week.

You need to be
More
Organised.

AnathemaPulsifer · 03/04/2018 23:56

Did you really mean your mortgage will be paid off in another year or so? Your priorities seem all screwed up here and it sounds like you're trying to punish them for him cheating by ensuring they never get any relaxation time without your kids.

Your kids are only young for such a short time, spend some weekends with them not only when they or their dad are ill!

Greggers2017 · 04/04/2018 00:18

Why do some people think the dad should only see his kids every two weeks for 48 hours. That isn't fair when the dad loves the kids just as much as you do and they are 50% his. I would be devastated only seeing mine that little and I know my children's dad would. He adores the kids and they him. He deserves to spend time with them just as much as I do. Week nights aren't always possible for families due to where the parents live, school and work commitments. I don't love my children anymore or any less than their dad.

Boulshired · 04/04/2018 00:29

But weekends are the times of having no commitments, I love my kids as does their father and I would want equal weekends. If due to commitments that meant one parent only got every other weekend then so be it, hopefully it could be readdressed in holiday periods. But that would not be my problem if the other parent moved or worked long hours that week days were not suitable that would be their problem.

Greggers2017 · 04/04/2018 00:47

But the children's best interests is an equal relationship with both parents which means seeing both regularly. My kids would miss their dad like crazy if it was just once a fortnight and at the end of the day their feelings come first not mine.
I don't get home until 5 every weekday but we do plenty In the evenings together. We also do lots of trips await during school holidays.
I have a great relationship with my kids but so does their dad and both their step parents. We all make decisions together. At the end of the day it's about the children in every situation and whatever is best for them is what should come first

weneedtotalk · 04/04/2018 00:56

Op if you don’t like it then swap with him:
He has them mon-Fri you have them fri night- Sunday night & holidays & pay him £80 a week.

Do you see how much he is doing now?

TheGruffalosArse · 04/04/2018 01:09

Aw, you have to put your kids to bed and get them up 5 days a week. Diddums Hmm

MiniTheMinx · 04/04/2018 01:09

Can't imagine sending my children away from their home every weekend.

I am RP, full time, every day, of every week. I have them all of the time. They go out with their father when it suits them, usually for an afternoon. I get maintenance. We also have DPS son here every weekend, and a few weeks in the summer. I'm happy to look after him. I'd be happier still if he wasn't shuffled back and forth like an orphan. If he lived here full time I'd be more than happy. His mother is useless, clueless, and seems only to want him with her so she can continue to claim maintenance. When it suits her she's quite happy not to see him for 10 days.

Pleasebeafleabite · 04/04/2018 03:52

If a 6 year old is in school all day and then after school club it isn't much more unless she has a late bedtime for a 6 year old

We don’t know do we? She could be picking them up at half four? Or six? Projections abound on this thread

OP didn’t come to aibu to ask does she see her children enough yet she’s being told to cut her hours.

She uses after school clubs and her children are cared for by their other parent or his partner at weekends and school holidays for the weeks she doesn’t have annual leave.

Yet according to one poster the children might as well be in boarding school. Directly above a child going between homes is “shuffled about like an orphan”

What’s happening here is that a mother isn’t conforming to the notion of how MN thinks she should behave and feel and the indignation is ramping up as she shamelessly refuses to self flagellate to MN’s satisfaction

Spottytop1 · 04/04/2018 08:03

No, what is happening here is that the op has come on stating her dcs father is doing the bare minimum and isn't doing enough as she wants him to have the Dcs every holiday, as well as every weekend to save her money as she doesn't want to pay holiday care. She is also unhappy that the exh gf wants to go back to work and stop being her free childcare.

When In fact 50/50 holidays plus every weekend & maintenance is still well above the bare minimum & the op seems to put everything else ( job, mortgage pay off) in front of actually spending time with her children.

InspMorse · 04/04/2018 08:05

Have I got this right?

-Your DC are at school all day
-You are at work during the week whilst they are at school
-Your ex has them EVERY weekend, ALL weekend

  • You don't work at the weekend
  • He pays £320 pm maintenance
  • You want him to have the DC for most of every holiday...

If that is right, you are one CF.

Do you actually want to spend any time with your DC?

He is with them non stop every weekend Fri pm to Sun pm - 48 hours.
That alone tops your 5/6 hours an evening Sun pm- Thurs. - 25- 30 hrs.
If we're counting.
You sound like a nightmare.

peacheachpearplum · 04/04/2018 08:06

Spottytop1 couldn't agree more, it is the whole package plus her attitude that is so wrong.

InspMorse · 04/04/2018 08:08

OP puts them on after school club too?
Ok, she has even less 'contact time' then.

InspMorse · 04/04/2018 08:17

I've got an idea OP...

Swop it around.
Ex DH has the DC in the week Sun-Thurs (so that you can work uninterrupted like he does now) and YOU have our children every weekend and most of every holiday.

No more breakfasts/school runs to do.

Do you like that idea?
No of course you f'ing don't

This thread has given me the rage.

LiteraryDevil · 04/04/2018 08:24

Isn't it funny how the OP always disappears when things don't go their way!