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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
lookatthesizeofmylaundrypile · 02/04/2018 00:48

YABVU- she's a size 12. No-one who is a size 12 could be considered fat or 'chunky'.

DaisyGiveMeYourAnswerDoo · 02/04/2018 00:48

That is so mean. Sad

EZA15 · 02/04/2018 00:48

You might say you hate to think of her going out feeling like crap but you have. She felt comfortable enough to wear it and you decided to comment on it. She’s 20, you’ve said yourself that you’re overweight - hardly the best role model.

Sparklesocks · 02/04/2018 00:49

Ouch. If my mum said that to me I’d be really hurt!
If she wasn’t sure about it and asked for your opinion that’s one thing, but if she was happy in it and you brought it up then I think that’s a bit mean..
It sounds like you have weight issues but you shouldn’t project your own insecurities onto your kids...

Florene · 02/04/2018 00:50

Very unreasonable. Your opinion wasn't asked for. Even if it was, there would be kinder ways to say that it didn't suit her.

Ketzele · 02/04/2018 00:50

Well, it is hard to get these things right, but tbh I do think you're getting this wrong. Do you think your dd doesn't notice her weight fluctuations without you around to point them out? Does she really need you to tell her she's looking chunky?

You are sounding very over-invested in her weight, and while I do understand why it isn't healthy for your dd (or for you). Also - it is almost impossible to exercise off family packs of chocolate so some focus on diet is needed. The fact that she's struggling to do this without eating abnormally should give you pause about how your much your approach is helping.

I'm sounding very snotty and I don't mean to be - if it's any consolation, I have had a lifetime of eating disorders and my daughter is now overweight and I'm kind of in despair. I know how really really hard it is to get these things right - my sympathy.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 02/04/2018 00:50

Yes YABU.

I understand you care for your daughter, but I think just criticism won’t help your relationship with her, or hers with her weight.

Perhaps you could focus on your own weight loss efforts (if you want too), with improved diet and increased exercise (or whatever you think best) and after awhile ask if she wanted to join you cooking a new (healthy) recipe or going to a walk or at the gym. It would be a way to address the issue that concerns you, but in a positive way and leading by example, not negative comments.

midgwit · 02/04/2018 00:50

You sound awful.

And the whole 'telling someone something horrible so other people don't' is bullshit too, who else is going to say to your size 12 (is size 12 fat now?) daughter that she looks fat in a crop top? You said it as you wanted to put her down.

Elmwood30 · 02/04/2018 00:51

I think you’re projecting your issues onto her. Well done to your daughter for going out despite your feedback.
Leave her be to sort her own image out and you lose the weight that you want to.

ShovingLeopard · 02/04/2018 00:51

Has she asked you to keep tabs on her looks and weight, and to keep a running critical commentary on them?

Sparklesocks · 02/04/2018 00:52

Also remember the power that words have. Young women can be very insecure, you have no idea how much of an impact such things could have on her.
Hopefully she’s just rolled her eyes and shrugged you off!

TheCriminalMind · 02/04/2018 00:52

I’m the same age as your daughter and I would be so upset if my mum said that to me.
If she felt good in it then that’s all that matters.
(P.S being skinny isn’t everything. I’m a size 6 and I still feel self conscious. And more importantly a size 12 isn’t fat!).

TheStoic · 02/04/2018 00:53

You’ve just become one of those mothers.

Original poster
ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:54

Well crop tops and bulging bellies don't go do they? If she can't rely on her mother to tell her, who can she? I wasn't being mean, just didn't want someone else to say it!

OP posts:
Bexter801 · 02/04/2018 00:55

I understand why you said it,but maybe you could have been a bit more sensitive. Phone her,apologise,and talk to her tomorrow,letting her know,that you are just concerned about the possiblility of her weight getting out of control again

Sparklesocks · 02/04/2018 00:56

Well crop tops and bulging bellies don't go do they

You’re not doing her a favour, you’re fucking up her self eestem. And yes, you were being mean.

MsGameandWatching · 02/04/2018 00:56

I'd prefer to know. I'd never tell anyone they looked fat though but wouldn't mind if it was said to me in a none spiteful way. Not as a youngster though. As a youngster I would have had the mother of all tantrums and loudly declaimed my hurt Grin

halfwitpicker · 02/04/2018 00:57

Oh wow

J0208 · 02/04/2018 00:57

Size 12 isn't fat.
You're being awful to your daughter

whinetime89 · 02/04/2018 00:58

my father was always so weight focused. Once telling me " you look like the size of a house"I was a12-14 and 17 years. Have never forgotte and am so body conscious now. My husband is amazing and always boosting but i have really bad body inage

Etymology23 · 02/04/2018 00:58

I’m in my twenties and a size twelve and definitely don’t look great in a crop top. I could get away with one (maybe even look good) with a high waisted skirt or jeans, but I could also accidentally look vastly worse than I otherwise do. However, if someone has 1) tried something on 2) bought it 3) put it on again once they get home and 4) then concluded they should wear it out and have at no point asked your opinion, time 4) is not the time to give it.

Ultimately though, telling someone they look chunky/overweight is very unlikely to be useful. I think something like arranging to go to a gym class together or meet up for walks or have an agreement to keep each other on track to get fitter or to eat things that are better for you will be more effective.

StillMedusa · 02/04/2018 00:58

Oh dear. Bad choice of words I say...been there myself.
Once when DD2 was 13 I once commented that she was looking a bit chunky in a particular outfit, and 10 years on I don't think she has forgotten or forgiven me. Best intentions but sometimes it is better just not to say anything!!!! These days I do not say a word unless she offers an opinion first ('Do I look like a stripper in this?'... 'Um yes a bit... perhaps a higher neckline...') (DD2 is petite but very busty therefore some outfits do NOT suit)

I'd apologise if I were you...and then just NOT offer an opinion! Ever!

edwinbear · 02/04/2018 00:59

My DM used to comment on my weight all the time. She had food issues which she passed on to me. We've been NC now for 2 years. YABVVU.

ephemeralfairy · 02/04/2018 01:00

My mum used to say similar things to me when I was around the same age. It has had a lasting and negative impact on our relationship.
Be warned.

Original poster
ShushTush · 02/04/2018 01:02

She did tell me to fuck off because I can't say anything to her with how fat I am Grin.

I was trying to impress on her that having a little to loose to easy enough but when you get to the point where you have loads (like me) it's a whole different ball game.

She admitted to getting up at 3am this morning and snaffling one of the Easter eggs I had put at the end of her bed!

OP posts: